To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

[mumtoaninja]

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

Don't beat yourself up op. Nobody's perfect, even if some on here think they are! Go and give DD a cuddle and apologise, then maybe try a different doctor for another opinion?

I truly feel that the OP doesn't want support or advice in regard to helping her daughter with her toileting issues, what she wanted was to be told she was not being unreasonable and the posters could understand why she was at the end of her tether and why she said what she said.

Perhaps even all pile in with stories about their own children's 'laziness' in this area and what they did to cure them of it.

OP didn't get what she wanted and now she is upset.

I think she needs to stop dwelling on her own hurt feelings and being humiliated by random strangers who don't know her from a bar of soap and actually start making amends with her daughter and arranging some sort of specialist continence support via her GP.

Rather than latching on to her GP also thinking her daughter is purely lazy. How incredibly unprofessional, unhelpful and yes, LAZY, of the GP to make such a ridiculous 'diagnosis'

As a child I was told I just needed to get into a better routine by the doctor. As an adult I was diagnosed with an overactive bladder but as a child and young adult I avoided drinking and had problems with infections and also damaged my pelvic floor muscles. It has took physio and avoiding certain food and drinks (never found a medication that worked and should stop wine at weekends) to have an a average bladder.

I responded to your last post sansoora of your 08.14 saying about your experiences with your ds, and how you never lost your temper.

that isent true sea she said she would go back to the dr and try and get the help she needs. I got the impression she was taking things on board, but the piranha mentality on here was quite rightly too much.

OP- it can be hard, we've had the same problem,
We managed to get out of it by sitting down, and explaining to her (some of these points will fit with your daughter, others won't)
Firstly, she's a big girl, and people think she's bigger than she is, so they will judge and possibly tease if it does get to the point that she wets herself, and when she really really needs to go, there may not be a toilet near by, or free for her to use. And if she does wet herself she will get cold in a matter of seconds and it's not comfortable having wet through clothes.
I also mentioned that she doesn't want to be the child at school who wets herself because she's not bothered to go for a wee.
We did then discuss whether it was just because she was too excited to play and do whatever else she was doing, or if she generally couldn't stop it- she told me it was just she didn't know how much she needed to go, then all of a sudden she did.
So we figured out a sticker and treat system.
We haven't had the problem since May?
She is also much happier to just use the toilet when I ask, I say to DD, we've got a drive ahead of us of an hour- shall we try to go for a wee? No, I don't need it she used to reply, with a whimper and false tears,
To be met with, I bet you are right, you probably don't need to go, but try and if you prove me wrong, then I'm wrong. Or do you think it's worth risking your prize for the week? You've got to plan ahead of your gonna win!!
She would always happily go to the toilet and at least try.
Even if the little mite would tell me she didn't go, when she obviously did!! She likes to sing when she wees!

I wish her luck,

But other than that, I'm going to say that it was disgusting telling her friends, have you not considered how hard you could have made life for her?? What on earth will you do to rectify the situation if these children are horrible to your DD? This is going to be such a touchy subject with your daughter, you need to be understanding and figure out a way to make her change without feeling thoroughly ashamed.

Disgusting? Making it hard for her? Sorry, I think that's way OTT. The OP sounds to me as if she's a loving, caring mother trying to do her best for her dd, and has reached the end of her tether (quite understandably in my view). In any event, if the dd doesn't sort this out then she WILL be wetting herself in from of her mates and that will be even more humiliating. She'll find that even harder to live down than a bit of tough parenting.

Assuming the dd doesn't have medical or psychological issues then I'm at a loss as to how the OP should deal with this without getting a bit tough, tbh.

You posted this at 7.50

sansoora op is venting on here. She has had years of this, probably tried everything, is really worn out by it all. She gas said she feels awful ready, before you vultures start laying into her fgs!

I then replied to you because you had addressed me in a post.

You took exception to it because I was apparently supposed to let you say what you like and not answer back.

As for your interpretation of my post regarding my personal experiences - it seems remembering the order of posts you make isn't your only problem.

That really was my last reply to you.

I have a feeling this thread has touched you on a personal level and Im just not getting into it with you.

No not really samsoora I have empathy, and can see we are human. I can see she is struggling, and gas had years of this, really if her dd is 10 with no medical condition, she has told her mum she is to busy to go, can't be bothered, this is not on. What if she had wet in front of her friends, even more embarrassing. I think op needs to encourage her dd to drink lots of water, and take her every so often to the toilet, talk to her about the impact on this on her Heath.

Absolutelynotfabulous, you have your view and I have mine. They obviously differ, but in my view it's pretty disgusting to tell other children that she's not allowed out because she almost wet herself. What adult actually hands other children ammo to attack their children with? I gather OP didn't intend for that, but children aren't always nice.
Tough parenting is not the same as humiliation. That's not going to help the problem is it??

Gawd, everyone is posting as if this incident is a one off! and one which the op has handled badly, which she agrees and feels bad about.

The child is 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10.

This is worrying, kidney failure isn't cured by a few days of antibiotics. you need a KIDNEY TRANSPLANT.

Surely we can assume that the OP has tried everything there is over the previous 7 years - but no not on MN - this one and one only angry outburst by the OP cancels 7 years of doctor's visits, persuading, bribing etc etc etc etc, all the worry, all the supporting, all the helping she has done over the last 7. This one incident makes her a nasty nasty DM and the DD obviously needs SS to whisk her off immediately.

Is it only me that has some imagination and can see a bigger picture. Strewth.

quite scooby

well put

I totally agree with you scooby, this has been going on for years, they have seen many Doctirs and specialists, no medical condition. Mabey op shoukd see if she can take her dd to a renal failure unit, to see the reality of what can happen. It sounds as though she needs that wake up! Her not drinking and holding her wee, can lead to renal problems, which is bloody serious, op knows the reality, dd does not her understanding is not as great. Op dd says she gets rpdisteacted, woukd rather hold it, than take herself off to the toilet.

I think you've been unfairly flamed, OP.

It's obvious that you're beyond frustrated and at the end of your rope. It must do your head in to watch your DD's behaviour and see that she's sitting on the floor to dull the sensation of needing a wee. That would really drive me bananas, watching that.

I don't think OP was unreasonable at all.

This child is not a toilet training toddler. She is a perfectly able and medically OK 10 year old who just cannot be bothered to get to the toilet on time.

It was an unconventional tactic, but who knows what they may resort to after so many years of being ignored?

My favourite bully on this thread is the poster who shrieked

'It's not her fault. Even if there is an underlying issue that she is lazy is that her fault? How could you whisper even a word against the sacredness of a child, causing instant psychosis, you evil bitch, etc'.

The best bit are the bullies savaging the OP who have completely missed the fact that her pre-teen DD is going to end up on dialysis if this carries on. Because that's how much they care.

I must have missed the most recent research in preventing kidney problems then, because last time I heard public humiliation wasn't a recognised method. Nor do I buy the idea op humiliated her child as a carefully considered cruel to be kind preventative measure for kidney damage. It was said in a fit of malicious anger.

Lurked if op dd carries on she will most definitely have kidney problems. Op knows that and she understandably is extremly worried. Hence her one off remark

Op telling the friends she nearly wet herself, is noway as humiliating and getting up and wetting yourself right in front of them, which is a distinct possibility as well as causing herself kidney problems.

She may know she feels uncomfortable or in pain, but that may not be translating itself in her head to going to the toilet.

You know like some children get overtired and have no idea why they feel so shit, or not realising that theyre actually hungry, just that they feel weird.

I think you know that embarrassing her in front of her friends was shitty, but just because the doctors havent found a physical cause for it, doesnt mean everything is ok

Is there a psychological reason as to why she is reluctant to go? Has something happened in the school toilets she hasn't told you?

Ywbu to embarrass her like that. You'd be better leaving her to it, she will pee herself and be mortified and learn her lesson.

I would also consider punishment along the lines of no screen time, no friends over at until she acts like "a big girl"

That's my point aero it wasn't done as a considered method to avoid physical damage, or because humiliation is a researched way to solve it.

DSD1 does this and also still wets the bed. She feels terrible about it and we do 't discuss it with her sister and step-siblings never mind her friends! She would die.

DS1 used to poo himself until he was 9/10 - I do understand your frustration but these issues need to be handled with the upmost sensitivity - kids don't need reasons to take the piss (sorry no pun intended).