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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

224 replies

mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:00

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

OP posts:
Girlfriend36 · 04/10/2015 18:38

This isn't normal behaviour for a 10yo, the Dr sounds completely unhelpful tbh. Sounds to me like an anxiety condition linked to needing the toilet, I would be looking for some specialist advice.

lotsoffunandgames · 04/10/2015 18:41

I think you were wrong to tell her friends.I have experienced something similar but i don't want to go into it on here. I would never humiliate dc regarding this.totally out of order.
It will not work either.so you have not achieved anything positive from this.
I would say sorry and explain why you were so mad and that you were worried about her. Ultimately the trip will be a way for her to sort herself out or embarrass herself.

Original poster
mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 18:43

Firstly, thank you for all who gave advice & constuctive comments.
I'm going to push this with the doctor again if it continues into the next few months, esp after the residential.
I have apologised to DD and we've had yet another chat about it. Her friends knocked for her a little while ago, but she was in the middle of dinner. But she spoke to them & all seems normal.

After reading some of the replies on her, I just broke down. I suffer bad anxiety at the best of times. I've been called a bully, a shit parent...I know I am after what I did earlier but to have strangers call you that too is an truly horrible feeling.
I really hope none of you reach such a point in your parenting where there doesn't seem to be an answer.
This will be my last post on mn

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 04/10/2015 18:44

Has she ever (over the age of about 8) actually not managed to hang on and properly wet herself in front of her friends at school? If so, I think you really can rule out laziness. Once she's been that embarrassed she wouldn't let it happen again on purpose. One of my daughters wet herself at a school disco in Y5 when she'd drunk about 2 litres of fizzy pop and all the girls were queuing for the toilets. Almost certainly the most embarrassing experience of her life so far. I doubt she'll ever forget that one!

manicinsomniac · 04/10/2015 18:46

cross post - I'm sorry you feel so bad. We're just internet people, try to ignore it. None of us know you, your daughter or what is going on in your lives.

wizzywig · 04/10/2015 18:47

You never know, it may make a difference and she goes to the toilet in good time

IceCreamBandit · 04/10/2015 18:48

If her wee is that strong, I bet it stings when she does go. That could be putting her off because in the back of her mind weeing=pain.

Have you sat down with her and asked what's going on? What does she say?

Maybe a timer and a reward scheme will help?

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 18:53

No need to stop posting on MN OP, you must have known you would get direct answers to the question you were asking? Why would you post otherwise?

When people are saying not very nice things about you they're only talking about this one instance you've described, they're not calling you a failure as a parent and human being! Thanks

Most posters have said they've done stuff on a similar level to what you did, I have too, it's inevitable.

Try not to take it to heart, after all we don't know you or your DD and you wouldn't bother posting the thread if you didn't care about her.

Skiptonlass · 04/10/2015 18:54

Honestly even though the docs have said there's no physical problem, I think there must be some sort of anxiety issue here.

What's done is done, but I think you need to talk to her. Really love-bomb her over the next few days and get her to open up. Don't take 'I'm fine' or 'I'm distracted' as an answer. Something is going on here and she needs help.

It's not uncommon for a kid who has had a uti leading to urge incontinence to feel anxious away from the loo even after symptoms have gone, or to then develop an anxiety issue that means they need to pee frequently. I can see the opposite happening as well.

Hope you get to the bottom of it. It must be distressing for her.

anothernumberone · 04/10/2015 18:54

Just joining in solidarity with you OP there have been days where I was that shit parent. My ds is nearly 4 and toilet training is an ongoing nightmare so 7 years would be enough to make me snap. I was going to suggest sensory issues but someone has already suggested that. GPs can be a bit hit and miss but obviously they would not see the issues a lot.

Florriesma · 04/10/2015 18:57

Have you asked her why she holds it in? (When you're not in the middle of her just wetting herself -I understand the frustration)
Is she embarrassed about using the loo when other people are there? It might explain the withholding at school.

I would have a chat to the school nurse and see what they suggest. They will be well used to having strategies for this sort of behaviour.

MammaTJ · 04/10/2015 19:04

YABU, so very U!

I have a 10 year old DD and I would give almost anything for her not to be teased and bullied, yet you blithely possibly cause your DD to go through the same in temper!

Horrible!

sleeponeday · 04/10/2015 19:05

OP, this was not a thread for Am I Being Unreasonable. People here are usually cruel for the hell of it - I will never understand why, because I am not a clinical psychologist, but I would quietly observe that the musings of some on the chances of your child being bullied are hypocritical to the nth degree.

Post on Parenting, or www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development. People there will listen and try to help.

I think Mumsnet need to post a warning on AIBU that it is effectively a fight club/roast venue, and that parents genuinely seeking help should try some of the specific areas.

All of us are crappy parents sometimes. You know what you did was really wrong, but the frustration and worry must be enormous and ongoing. There have been some good suggestions - obviously talk to her, but also get that watch that beeps, and tell her to drink a glass of water as well as pee so she is less likely to get a UTI. The poster who mentioned the association between peeing and pain may well be right.

I never needed to pee as a child - my mother used to joke I was like a camel. But I also hardly ever drank, and had UTIs. I didn't ever come close to wetting myself, but I do wonder if there is an anxiety component for her - DS won't use the loos at school to poo in and it makes him suffer horrible stomach cramps when he gets home at times. I think this sort of thing is more common than people realise, and I would try to post on a forum dedicated to helping rather than judgeing.

Take care. Worse things happen to us all than our mothers reaching the end of their tethers. Apologise and move on. Flowers

PuppyMonkey · 04/10/2015 19:06

I'd be worried she's holding off going because it hurts her or something. DD was like that when she had a ursine infection.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/10/2015 19:06

Don't leave OP.

Just read the thread and some of the replies you have had been pretty harsh.
I'm sure it wasn't your finest hour as a parent but no one is perfect. I've had more than my fair share of shit parent days.

Hope things get better quickly for you and your daughter.

PuppyMonkey · 04/10/2015 19:08

Oh no, I swear I did RTFT, my phone just froze and I didn't see all the posts about the underlying condition etc. sorry, carry on ....

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 19:12

'People here are usually cruel for the hell of it'

Bit of a blanket statement there.

Only one or two posts have had a go at the OP, most have said they don't agree with what she did but they understand how it came about.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 04/10/2015 19:13

Ok the stick doesnt work ... try the carrot. If you collect her from school .. she gets a sweet .. or something .. every child has a price ... at home put a jar in the bathroom or a magazine.... maybe stickers . Maybe she can put marbles in a kar or stickers on a chart.. its worth a try ...

Bakeoffcake · 04/10/2015 19:14

Flowers for you. Only a perfect parent never does/says something they regret.

Unfortunaltely you made the mistake of posting this in AIBU.

You said DD seems fine with her friends, so don't worry too much, just move on.

I would take her to the Drs again and speak to the school. She needs to drink more, then she'll need the loo more often and hopefully get into the habit of going more.

I'd also say that while you didn't go about it the right way, what you did today may have had the desired effect!

diddl · 04/10/2015 19:15

Does she drink much when she gets in from school?

If she gets up in the night when necessary then that it surely as good thing as it means that she feels the urge & can be bothered to get up & go?

definiteissues · 04/10/2015 19:17

With all due respect, if you have anxiety to the extent that a thread on mn makes you breakdown then perhaps you should have a think about the type of thread you post.
You were very clearly being unreasonable and very unfair to your daughter. Posting a thread asking about it was never going to go any other way.
Perhaps the break you want to take from mn is occurring at the right time

sleeponeday · 04/10/2015 19:22

'People here are usually cruel for the hell of it'

Yeah, should have read "some".

Though I also think posting to exclaim in indignation on p11 is cruel in itself. The OP has doubtless got the memo by that point, and contributing to a pileon is scarcely kind, productive or pleasant. Rather like AIBU, in fact.

sleeponeday · 04/10/2015 19:24

Should add that I wish MN had an updated AIBU to explain what it's for. People try to use it to garner support/advice, and that never ends ideally. The support and advice generally does arrive, but it is so hedged in by attacks and judgement that I doubt it achieves very much.

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 19:30

'Though I also think posting to exclaim in indignation on p11 is cruel in itself.'

They're just answering the OP and maybe haven't read all the posts (unlike Puppy Grin), nobody wants to push the OP to a breakdown over it.

It's surprising to find you posting in AIBU if you think it's so cruel, scary, unkind and unpleasant. You're very scathing about the posters taking time to answer.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/10/2015 19:38

I have a 10 year old DD and I would give almost anything for her not to be teased and bullied, yet you blithely possibly cause your DD to go through the same in temper!

op cracking over what must be a very hard tiring traumatic problem which has seen days ruined and repeated trips to gp a waste of time, is not in the same league as what is happening to your dd. one is a deliberate act by nasty toe rags who revel in giving your dd a hard time. the other is a long suffering parent who just happened to flip and has happened to the best of us.

op is not responsible fir what's happening to your dd and I suggest you take your anger out on the school failing to protect your child and bitches harassing your dd rather than a mum.whis just trying to do her best and made a mistake.

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