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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for a drink and snack while breastfeeding

236 replies

schoopz · 31/08/2015 18:46

DP just had a huge go at me when i asked him for a cup of tea and snack as i was breastfeeding (10 week old) - he said he was very tired and he shouldn't have to justify himself not doing what i wanted at the drop of a hat -
i then got upset and pointed out i couldn't get up and do it myself
He then got up, slammed the stuff around in the kitchen and made the tea and snack - but told me i shouldn't be so demanding and that i need to exercise more "give and take"
He has now gone upstairs for a sleep while I look after the baby.
Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding? If he's tired should I give him a break and just wait until i can fix it myself?
Hate that i always end up crying and I don't want to be so pathetic, finding motherhood tough as it is and don't always feel i'm doing the best job, so his anger and criticism doesn't help

OP posts:
GaryBaldy · 31/08/2015 18:48

I'm guessing if you are b/f that you are the one up in the night with the baby so quite why he is so tired is beyond me.

But when you are b/f yes you get thirsty and hungry more and he should be helping you out not behaving like a child. YANBU

PotteringAlong · 31/08/2015 18:49

No, he's bring an arse.

However, if you'd asked him and he'd said "in 5 mins, I'm just doing x / watching this on the news" and you'd demanded it immediately then that was a bit ott.

If you didn't do that then refer back to previous arse comment

AuntyMag10 · 31/08/2015 18:51

His reaction seems ott, however how often are you asking him to do it? Do you always want this snack as soon as you bf?

scatterthenuns · 31/08/2015 18:51

I think that if you've got his child attached to your tit and therefore limiting your mobility, he should accommodate your needs.

littlejohnnydory · 31/08/2015 18:54

He's being an arse. But it doesn't take that long to breastfeed, you could probably have waited.

ohmyeyebettymartin · 31/08/2015 18:56

I thought it was a given that anyone sitting down to bf a very small baby (and 10w is very small) should be given a drink without even having to ask.

Your DP sounds like a selfish arsehole TBH. Why does he feel like he should have to "justify" not doing what you want (ie need)?

Sounds like he's just pissed off that the fact of the matter is that it needs doing (looking after you while you look after the baby) and he doesn't want to accept reality. Wake up mister, you're a dad now.

Itsmine · 31/08/2015 18:57

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ohmyeyebettymartin · 31/08/2015 18:58

Littlejohnny it depends on the baby as to how long it takes. My first was still REALLY slow at that age, I was stuck BFing for the best part of an hour.

OP thankfully they get much speedier as they get stronger Smile

usual · 31/08/2015 18:59

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SaucyJack · 31/08/2015 18:59

What would you have done if he hadn't have been there to put the kettle on,

SaucyJack · 31/08/2015 19:00

?

pigsDOfly · 31/08/2015 19:00

He needs to understand that you will get thirsty and hungry whilst bf and it's not always possible to predict when you'll be feeding so not always possible to have something to hand.

You're not pathetic. He's being unsupportive and you need to have a serious talk with him about his attitude.

So he's tired? You're caring for a new baby does he not think you're tired and need his support rather than this nasty behaviour.

Is he always this unpleasant towards you?

Perhaps it would help if you bought some handy snack type things so that when you start feeding you can pop into the kitchen and grab yourself a glass of water and a snack. Not ideal but better than having him reduce you to tears over it.

AuntyMag10 · 31/08/2015 19:01

ohmyeyebettymartin er that's the first time I've heard of that 'given' . So you think someone should automatically jump up and make something anytime a bf woman is around? Weird.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 31/08/2015 19:02

What's he been doing to get so tired?

I'm rather concerned by the phrase 'It's an ongoing problem that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie food/drink). That is a problem you have with a servant, not a partner.

If it was a one off I would say YWNBU. But it sounds like you expect him to wait on you so yes, YABVU. You are an adult. You don't need someone to 'cater' to you.

Fuckitfay · 31/08/2015 19:02

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Fuckitfay · 31/08/2015 19:03

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XCChamps · 31/08/2015 19:03

It sounds like the sort of thing that blows up when everyone's stressed and exhausted with a 10 week old in the house, unless he's generally uncaring.

Of course OP is likely to be more sleep deprived as she's breast feeding but becoming a new father and suddenly having all these people (baby and mother at least while on ML) dependant on you is pretty high pressure too and often ignored.

Of course he should be meeting reasonable requests for food and drink while you're breast feeding but he can be excused a one off bout of unreasonableness too IMO.

Osolea · 31/08/2015 19:03

I don't think asking for a glass of water is too much, my ex used to know that as soon as I unhooked my bra that was his cue to go and get a glass of water.

It's hard work for both parents when you have a new baby, so there does need to be give and take. I think whether you're being too demanding depends on how often you ask for tea and a snack. Tea and a snack could probably wait until you can do it yourself. Water can't wait when you're bfing though.

Tealtowel · 31/08/2015 19:05

Why is he so tired?
How many times a day do you ask for something?
I think hes being an idiot to be honest you have this lovely new baby doing all the feeding and hes huffing around. I bet your more tired than him. Sounds like hes finding it very hard to deal with new baby, maybe he has some other issues which is why hes snappy??

Itsmine · 31/08/2015 19:06

This reply has been deleted

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SanityClause · 31/08/2015 19:09

Yes, what Osolea said.

Perhaps have some of those sports bottles of water in the fridge, so you can just grab one before you sit down to feed.

LoveAGoodRummage · 31/08/2015 19:12

YA and ANBU. I had a marathon cluster feeder and exDP would make, bring and cut up my dinner. However, didn't take me too long to master the fine art of carrying a feeding baby and leaving an arm free - oh the joys of doing things one handed!

It's hard to judge based on what you've written. If you are sitting down and then asking, YABU. If you've been stuck there for three hours with a sleepy baby who doesn't want to fucking eat even though they didn't feed at the designated time slot seven hours ago after you had lunch and threw the washing in the machine and the remote is five metres away and the television is on CBeebies and your phone is charging upstairs... Then no, YANBU.

Littlecaf · 31/08/2015 19:12

There have been times when I'm bfing that I've asked for stuff "can you just.......get me some water/pass my phone/open that window please" There have been times when I can feel my DP sigh inside but not once has he ever said anything out loud as he knows that he would be unreasonable. So if you have asked politely the YANBU.

XCChamps · 31/08/2015 19:13

Presumably Dh isn't there for most feeds (either working or sleeping) so what do you do then? My routine was always to grab a drink and a snack before I sat down to feed.

Clearly he's over-reacting but it sounds like you might be too.

Jw35 · 31/08/2015 19:15

Yanbu he should be more supportive.