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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for a drink and snack while breastfeeding

236 replies

schoopz · 31/08/2015 18:46

DP just had a huge go at me when i asked him for a cup of tea and snack as i was breastfeeding (10 week old) - he said he was very tired and he shouldn't have to justify himself not doing what i wanted at the drop of a hat -
i then got upset and pointed out i couldn't get up and do it myself
He then got up, slammed the stuff around in the kitchen and made the tea and snack - but told me i shouldn't be so demanding and that i need to exercise more "give and take"
He has now gone upstairs for a sleep while I look after the baby.
Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding? If he's tired should I give him a break and just wait until i can fix it myself?
Hate that i always end up crying and I don't want to be so pathetic, finding motherhood tough as it is and don't always feel i'm doing the best job, so his anger and criticism doesn't help

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 02/09/2015 16:01

'Breastfeeding versus going out to work, the housework and the cooking is hardly 'doing all the hard work'
Only on MN would it be seen as hardly doing hard work.
Sort yourself out op. You know you going to need something to eat or drink. You probably manage to do it fine during the day?

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 16:12

I mean she is doing all the hard work with specific reference to feeding her child. Which she is.

Regardless of levels of tiredness, no-one will go hungry if the housework is not done. And actually, while 10 weeks is not newborn, it is a very very short space of time for your first child, and I think it's fair that she's still getting used to breastfeeding and not able to do it with no hands while juggling a football and knitting her poor hard done by DP a pair of socks.

She is looking after the needs of their very young child, for half an hour or whatever, it is not at all unreasonable to ask DP to support her during this short time by making her a cup of tea. I really really find it baffling that anyone would begrudge bringing her a drink. Do none of you ever do anything nice for your partners? DH and I make each other tea/snacks/drinks to be nice to each other, if one of us is hungry or thirsty, and the other is not otherwise occupied.

When you are really thirsty half an hour is a long time to wait for a drink.

Katie2001 · 02/09/2015 16:12

I don't think YABU. In your last sentence you say you are finding motherhood tough and you are clearly being hard on yourself and wanting support. Whether you can or can't get yourself a drink doesn't seem to be as relevant to me as the fact you are crying out for help you're not getting. I wonder if a good long chat between yourself and your partner is needed so you can explain this.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 16:15

He's not working or cooking in the 5 minutes it would take him to make the OP a cup of tea while she can't though is he Confused If she was calling him home from work I could understand those saying unreasonable, but he was in the house while she was temporarily stuck under a baby!

If my DP asked me to bring him up a cup of tea while he was upstairs doing something that made it tricky to do himself (say, painting a wall) I would, and without throwing a tantrum or thinking him needy or pathetic.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 16:28

threebeabrap- how do you think women who have older children and a newborn cope?

Spilose · 02/09/2015 16:28

I don't think yabu at all. Presumably you are doing all of the feeding, I don't think it's a lot to ask for a quick drink/snack whilst you are doing so.

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 16:31

Women have been breastfeeding without being pampered princesses since the beginning of the human race. Can you imaging telling a woman living in an Ethiopian village ( for example, other abodes and countries are available) that she should be tied to her equivalent of a sofa for weeks on end whilst she is catered for. She'd think you were bonkers and she'd be quite right.

Op you husband is fed up because you seem to have developed learned helplessness. Just get on with it.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 16:35

Flippin heck, some of you must have lovely marriages! Asking for a cuppa makes you a pampered princess Confused

Don't most people just, er... do nice things for their partner?

I even do things for my kids sometimes even though they could WAIT or DO IT THEMSELVES the pathetic, needy little creatures.

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 16:36

goblinhat - I think they get on with things to the best of their abilities, and if they have support available, would do well to take advantage of it.

Do you have any family/friends/a DP who ever helps you out or does you a favour? How do you think people without ANY support whatsoever cope? Does that mean you should be working as hard as them, being entirely independent of everyone else at all times? Or do you take advantage of the support YOU personally have available, and manage on your own the rest of the time?

When you only have one child of course you have it easier logistically than someone who has 2. Why does that mean anything? My mum had 9 and breastfed us all, I have never in my life seen my dad tell her to get her own cup of tea if she asked him for one.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 16:37

All those who think the OP is BU, if your partner was busy doing something upstairs or outside and he asked you to make him a cup of tea, would you tell him to fuck right off too? After all he could make his own cup of tea once he'd finished mowing the lawn or whatever.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 16:39

mabythesea- the OPs OH works full time, does most of the cooking, much of the housework.

Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding?

The OP finds it an "ongoing problem", it's not just a one off cuppa.

If feeding and changing the baby is the only thing she has to do then I'm not surprised her OH is pissed off.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 16:44

threebean- how do they cope?

THey just get on with it. When I was breastfeeding my youngest my OH was away working for extended periods, I was a carer for my elderly mother- my only relative close by, I worked from home, and cared for older children.

mabythesea My OH wouldn't ask. He would get his own tea and wouldn't be so precious.
If he was thirsty he would get a glass of water. We do make tea for each other sometimes, but it is a bonus, not an expectation.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 16:44

I am definitely not demanding things all the time. I manage to get stuff for myself most of time but when baby is crying sometimes don't get if sorted before I sit down to feed.

So sometimes when the baby is crying and the OP hasn't got her self sorted she asks him to get her a drink. Goodness me, how does he manage to make it through a whole day at work after only getting a full nights sleep if he is expected to occasionally make a cup of tea?

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 16:46

I can't imagine being in a relationship where I was scared to ask for a drink from my partner if I was busy and thirsty Confused People live very different lives I guess. Though tbh if my other half and I had just got home with a screaming hungry baby and I'd sat down to feed he'd offer me a drink...

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 16:49

Erm - that's exactly what I'm saying. Of course they cope. Mothers of a newborn and older children cope. OP could cope if her partner refused to make her tea, she would be thirsty but the world wouldn't end.

But if you have someone in the house who professes to love you, and you are feeding your small child and ask for a drink, why on earth shouldn't they bring you one? You don't HAVE to cope completely on your own all the time, that's what loved ones are for.

If I or DH was busy and asked the other one for a cup of tea, the other one would happily do this small favour for the other. I just find it completely bizarre that others wouldn't, and that this new mother, who says in her OP that she is finding motherhood difficult, is being berated for being a pampered princess for daring to ask her DP to bring her a drink while she feeds their child.

KevinAndMe · 02/09/2015 16:53

Lurke what is making you think the OP waited for her do to be upstairs before asking???
He might well have gone upstairs when she was busy settling down feeding and then asked him. Ie there was no intention to be annoying by asking when it was the most inconvenient for him.

I'm always amazed how people are always seeing the worst intentions in people.
Not everyone is always on the lookout to be demanding/taking the piss.

Fwiw the OP is looking after a very young baby, which includes bf and getting up in the night.
Her DH goes to work and does some he and cooking.
Where is the big deal there and does this guy really needs a huge pat on the back to do so? He us just what any other father should do.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 16:55

This isn't an odd cup of tea though

Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) -

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 16:58

An ongoing issue of him being a dickhead, yes.

MagickPants · 02/09/2015 16:59

bigbuttons, in many cultures women do exactly that - while breastfeeding they are waited on hand and foot. Sometimes for 6 weeks they do absolutely nothing while the baby is tiny. ok the OP's baby is 10 weeks now but she sounds absolutely knackered and has clearly not had 6 weeks of recovering from pregnancy and birth and establishing breastfeeding. Perhaps she wouldn't be frequently tearful if she had.

I never asked for anything when I was in this situation and yes you can cope. Sometimes I think maybe my relationship with DP would be better though if I hadn't internalised the idea that I really shouldn't ask for anything. I don't really think much of the way he left me to cope with some of it, to be honest. On the other hand I also think I've been conditioned by a few occasions where I did ask for help and he was a bit of a git about it. Being laughed at when you're 9 months pregnant, can barely walk, and have a toddler, isn't exactly inspiring of deep trust. So yeah you don't have to ask for anything, a lot of the time, but maybe you should.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 17:00

Grossly unfair to expect this guy to work full time, do all the cooking, much of the housework and be expected to run around like a blue arsed flea waiting on his precious snowflake of a wife.

TheOddity · 02/09/2015 17:01

I think OP is trying to say that DP struggles with helping her out. He is used to her being independent and if anything, catering to HIS needs. Now for the first time, a crying baby comes first, he has to step up a bit and help her out in small ways and he doesn't like it. Lots and lots of men like this I imagine in the first few months of a new baby. It sounds like the fact he has to work AND cook (shock horror!) PLUS occasionally help out his wife while she sits on the sofa is just asking way too much Hmm

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 17:01

So what?

If DH had something going on for the good of our family, that meant he would be occupied at random times of the day and night, sometimes without much warning, sometimes for hours, sometimes with very small breaks in between, that could be painful or uncomfortable, and made him stressed if it was going wrong, and he was struggling with getting to grips with it. I would make him all the bloody tea he wanted.

Because I love him, and it's not forever, and he would be going through a difficult and new experience that I wanted to support. And because I know he would do the same for me.

I thought that was normal in a loving relationship but reading this thread is making me think I am much luckier than I'd imagined.

TheOddity · 02/09/2015 17:02

I'd also say if you have never been through the ordeal of cluster feeding a breastfed baby, keep your opinions to yourself.

MagickPants · 02/09/2015 17:02

One of the difficulties is that if someone doesn't offer, is putting themselves first, then they will just disappear, faster than you can move (because you are dealing with the baby, the bags, spd, whatever). So then if you want to ask for help you have to call him back. This feels disgustingly regal - calling someone out of another room to wait on you - in a way that it just wouldn't be if he waited for you to get in and sit down and then was just standing there going "you ok?" You could just casually say "well I could murder a cup of tea actually." This is a totally different dynamic from being forced to call someone. AND THEY KNOW THIS. AND THIS IS WHY THEY DO IT. Either you are too shy to do it, or you do and they punish you for it.