to ask for a drink and snack while breastfeeding

[schoopz]

DP just had a huge go at me when i asked him for a cup of tea and snack as i was breastfeeding (10 week old) - he said he was very tired and he shouldn't have to justify himself not doing what i wanted at the drop of a hat -
i then got upset and pointed out i couldn't get up and do it myself
He then got up, slammed the stuff around in the kitchen and made the tea and snack - but told me i shouldn't be so demanding and that i need to exercise more "give and take"
He has now gone upstairs for a sleep while I look after the baby.
Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding? If he's tired should I give him a break and just wait until i can fix it myself?
Hate that i always end up crying and I don't want to be so pathetic, finding motherhood tough as it is and don't always feel i'm doing the best job, so his anger and criticism doesn't help

Yes I agree duckdeamon, I think you are in a vulnerable position breast feeding; you are sat down, you can't shout or move really, you can't walk out of the room. It's horrible to fall out when you have just asked for something that your partner can get you fairly easily. I mean a cup of tea takes seconds doesn't it frankly. I would far rather be the one making the tea than the one having to be breastfeeding for hours on end. I liked the driving analogy, it is a lot like that.

Provisionally- apart from me having two babies under 2 that's my situation. If I've had a rough day or I'm feeling a bit flustered Oh will just get up and get me a drink and some snacks- I'm formula feeding. I don't even think it should need to be asked really and OPs OH should just automatically do it! I don't treat my Oh like a servant, I get him things too if he needs anything and he's holding our 10 week old. Right now he's settled our son and asked me to open a can for him and get him something out of the kitchen. I didn't batter an eyelid and just got on with it. I can imagine OH does do some inward sighs sometimes when I ask him for stuff but he's never once slammed stuff about even when tired and we've been pretty exhausted due to baby having a milk intolerance and sleeping 1-2 hours a night for 8 weeks. That bits sorted now with hyperallergenic milk but in a nutshell your OH is BU unless like other people have said you are demanding drinks and snacks all the time.
Tiredness does terrible things to people so if he's not usually like this just take it that he's probably knackered (and you are too). It'll get easier.
If however there are other issues then you need to address them.
Crying at the slightest thing isn't uncommon at that stage, your hormones are still all over the place and I do admire you in that you have chosen and persevered to breast feed your child. I tried and failed miserably.

I used to get my own as soon as I heard the first whimpers. Some men just don't get it. When I was 41 +6, DH once yelled at me that I just lay on the sofa drinking milk and water all day. I couldn't do much else.

Thanks everyone for the messages. This is the first time I've posted so maybe the person who said I should have posted in relationships is right. I guess it is an ongoing problem - and just to say I was being a bit sarky in saying 'cater to my needs' - I am definitely not demanding things all the time. I manage to get stuff for myself most of time but when baby is crying sometimes don't get if sorted before I sit down to feed.

In fact we had just got in and I sat down to feed immediately as baby crying and he went upstairs, I called up to ask for a drink and when he came down half an hour later I asked again and said would it be ok for him to make me tea and a snack.

He is constantly telling me how tired he is and I don't know why but he reckons he is more tired than me!! He has been on depression medication for past year so it could be why in part. But I am getting up to feed every 3 hours in night sometimes up for 1-2 hrs, yes my 10 week old tends to go for long feeds sometimes an hour and cluster feeds most evenings so getting up in 10 mins to make tea not always an option.

To be fair to DP he does do lots of housework and cooks dinner most of the time. He is good with our baby just seems to sometimes take out his tiredness/frustration on me.

Anyway felt v supported by comments and will as suggested get in plentiful snacks/drinks and a thermos.

Night all.

Pretty sure in the 9 months you carried your and dp baby you always put the baby first! Not a lot to ask for your dp to put you first too

Being depressed is not justification for "taking things out on" your partner. If he is unhappy with side effects of medication and this is affecting his ability to do things for his family then he should see is doctor for advice.

Please look after yourself; and observe whether he steps up to parenting - and continuing to be a caring partner - or not. Lots of men do, but some don't unfortunately!

I took became ragingly thirsty the second I had a let down.
My OH worked long hours however, so often was not around.
My "breastfeeding chair" had a table next to it that contained pretty much everything that I may need. Water, biscuits, snacks, tissues, telephone, a book, tissues, TV remote etc. That way I wasn't reliant on anyone to fetch and carry while I was feeding.

Second baby was quite different. By a few weeks I was able to hang laundry outdoors while my baby was breastfeeding in a sling and kicking the occassional ball for a toddler.

I do think your OP is being an arse though.

I'd ask my DH for a cup of tea and vice versa and, get this, I'm not feeding a tiny baby. It is just something we do for each other....

I suggest you post in relationships...

I actually think you should get your own. Your baby is nearly 3 months old!

iggly- it depends.

To be fair to DP he does do lots of housework and cooks dinner most of the time.

It sounds as if this guy does a fair bit of catering already.
OH and I don't drink a great deal of tea or coffee,we don't ever ask each other to make a cup. Sometimes we do but it is a bonus, not an expectation.
My OH never expects me too cook him an evening meal either.

bigbuttons- I can see where you are coming from.
Tea as such isn't actually necessary for a thirsty person= a glass of water will suffice.
It's also useful to be able to stand and walk around while a baby is latched on, leaving one hand and two legs free to turn on the tap and fill a glass.

YANBU in the slightest, he bloody well should wait on you in that scenario.

I think yabu.

Yabu

One of the most helpful things my aunt did when I came back from the hospital was to present me with 2 tubs and 2 water bottles, and a bag of snacks.

I kept one by my bed, and one in the living room, and ensured it was kept well stocked.

Obviously if DH was around he would have been happy to get me a snack.

I think YABabitU?

If OH is in I think it's only nice for him to help you but what do you do if OH not in? My youngest is 3 weeks and DH went back to work 2 weeks ago leaving me with baby, toddler and to get other 4 DCs to school so no alternative but to just look after myself.

I second what a lot of others say - get yourself a sports bottle and fill with ice and water and lots of tasty easy to eat snacks and keep it beside where you sit to breastfeed. Also maybe practise walking about and breastfeeding - it's amazing what you can get done!

What do you do when he's out at work during the day?

Could you get a sling and try BFing on the move? We were bottle feeding by 10 weeks but certainly with the second child there were times I had to feed him wandering about the house keeping an eye on what big brother was up to.

It sounds like DH does his fair share of household tasks - some anti-depressants do completely wipe you out .

the thing is you can be fine until child latches on and then hit with sudden deep thirst... hormones I guess.

and yes he is an arse.

He's an arse.

I can't believe anyone would begrudge their BFing partner a cup of tea.

Twat.

It always going to be nice and helpful and supportive if the other parent of the child you are feeding gets you a glass of water or squash or something if you want one when you are holding screaming baby who needs feeding and you have just wanked through the door.

I'm not sure that it is worthy of an argument but I would think less of anybody (especially the other parent) if they didn't offer a BF mother a drink if they knew it was unlikely that she wouldn't want one.

OMG, I'm so sorry I meant WALKED.

my iPad spell check appears to have been paying attention to the sort of messages I have been sending someone recently

At this early stage it's not really about who is being unreasonable schoopz, it's about everyone trying to be as kind to each other as possible while adjusting to being parents/tiredness.

Yes, your DH probably should have just got you a drink. I remember well how jealous I was of DH having all that time alone while I had a baby permanently attached to my boob. Just once I'd have LOVED to be able to pass someone a drink and then sod off.

But, assuming DH is generally a good and helpful guy, try not to let things blow out of proportion with the tiredness. Leave random glasses of water spotted about and know that you WILL regain the ability to make your own tea again soon.

I agree with PPs that this sounds like both OP and DH are magnifying the situation because of the sheer exhaustion that comes with a new baby. I was still crying a lot when my now 7.5 month old was 10 weeks - it's perfectly normal - and I would say it's taken my DH until very recently to realise that despite being home all the time I still need him to step up and do things in the house. The household dynamics have changed and it will take some time for your DH to adjust to the new reality. In the meantime if you do need something then ask him in an apologetic way 'DH I'm really sorry but would you mind getting me X? I know you're tired but I can't get it while I'm BFing' or even bargain with him 'could you get me a glass of water? When I'm done BFing I'll make us both a cuppa'.

I'm a single parent and while bfing I did the same as some of the above posters and had a table set up with everything I might need in easy reach, including books, snacks, a bottle of water etc. I rarely had visitors over as everyone worked full time so I just had to get on with it. I don't think yabu exactly, you do have someone to help, but if it's causing rows there are things you can do to make it less of an issue. You don't need to rely on someone else to cover this. Also speaking from experience, rows over who's more tired only lead to bitterness and frustration. There's never a winner.

Hes a prick, however you can breastfeed on the move. Lost count of the number of feeds i gave whilst cooking, walking round asda, following Ds1 round the duck pond etc. if you cant then you need to sort your drinks and snacks before you sit down to feed.