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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for a drink and snack while breastfeeding

236 replies

schoopz · 31/08/2015 18:46

DP just had a huge go at me when i asked him for a cup of tea and snack as i was breastfeeding (10 week old) - he said he was very tired and he shouldn't have to justify himself not doing what i wanted at the drop of a hat -
i then got upset and pointed out i couldn't get up and do it myself
He then got up, slammed the stuff around in the kitchen and made the tea and snack - but told me i shouldn't be so demanding and that i need to exercise more "give and take"
He has now gone upstairs for a sleep while I look after the baby.
Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding? If he's tired should I give him a break and just wait until i can fix it myself?
Hate that i always end up crying and I don't want to be so pathetic, finding motherhood tough as it is and don't always feel i'm doing the best job, so his anger and criticism doesn't help

OP posts:

Lurkedforever1 · 02/09/2015 17:03

As a lone parent I've done both op and her dps current roles at different times to an extent. Breastfeeding (if I'd done it without worrying about housework, cooking or my other responsibilities) was considerably less hard than ft work, housework and cooking, even with an older dc thrown in.
And I say that as someone who fed an extremely hungry baby, with little fat reserves to call on, so it was vital I shovelled in food ate regularly. I didn't cope in a martyr like because I had to way either. Rather I had it easy because I wasn't juggling school runs and toddlers with a dh working ridiculous hours as well whilst feeding like many do.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 17:04

Grossly unfair to make a cup of tea

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 17:06

I must be a bloody saint because when I worked full time I also did lots of housework and cooked dinner most nights. I even did most of the night wakings!

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 02/09/2015 17:07

Surely you're could have just waited. If I'd been work all day and had to come home to cook and clean and my DH started asking for drinks and snacks as he couldn't wait a few minutes I'd have snapped too.

Just do it you yourself rather than play the helpless card, how do you manage when he's not home?

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 17:09

Who said the dad needed a pat on the back?
Seems to me he is getting on with stuff and is mightily pissed off with the op for being glued to the sofa and not pulling her weight. He has told her she needs to "exercise more give and take". This implies he feels she is taking too much and being too demanding.

It would annoy me to have a partner who asked me to do stuff they were capable of doing themselves and then who ended up crying when I got pissed off. OP's partner is pissed off because she expects him to do this. It I snot about getting your partner a cuppa everyone and again when you're making ourself a drink.

It's like people read something online or in books about post part care in the home "you will be be very tired , hungry and thirsty when you are breastfeeding. Make sure you have a plentiful supply of drinks and snacks on hand. Ask your partner to look after you whilst you are doing this"

This is reasonable for the first couple of weeks perhaps but after that. no.

I bf 6. I also had 6 under 8 years . Never once did I sit on the sofa and ask for a drink. I didn't have the luxury of sitting on a sofa for hours feeding. I had to get on with looking after the rest of the family too.( like countless other women) It wasn't an issue, ever.
If I was thirsty I would get up with baby attached, walk to the kitchen and get myself what I needed. I would often cook dinner with baby attached.
Life goes on, you know.
It had nothing to do with being looked after or not. I fed myself because I was perfectly able to do so and wouldn't want to be sitting around like some helpless thing feeling badly treated because I wasn't prepared to go and sort myself out.

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 17:10

Lurked she hasn't said she is doing it without thinking about housework or cooking or any other responsibilities though, she said DP often cooks dinner and does lots of housework. That isn't him doing everything and her doing sweet fa except sit on her arse all day.

Good for you that you found it so easy though. Are you able to put yourself in the place of someone who isn't finding it easy? She has said she is struggling.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 17:10

CookieMonster - they'd both come in at the same time, and she waited 30 minutes

Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 17:12

I even do things for my kids sometimes even though they could WAIT or DO IT THEMSELVES the pathetic, needy little creatures.

An ongoing issue of him being a dickhead, yes.

Mabythesea . . . you are hilarious. We should be friends . . . lol.

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lurkedforever1 · 02/09/2015 17:15

I'm not saying he's a saint maby. Just that he's pulling his weight so expecting him to wait hand and foot just because op is feeding takes the piss. Like I originally said, the thoughtful thing would have been asking op if she wanted a drink when they first got in, but if someone was constantly pulling the needy card on me I'd be irritated by that point and not bother.

kevin cos op said he went upstairs and she then shouted up for a drink and snack, hence she waited. The logical thing to do was ask before that.

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 17:20

Who said I found it easy? Of course it's not easy. I still got on with it though.

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 17:23

Lots of things are time consuming and tiring. Doesn't mean you turn into a helpless sofa dweller.

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 17:25

I still got on with it though

So is the OP! What do you all mean by keeping on and on about 'I got on with it'? She is doing. She shouted up to ask for a drink. She carried on feeding for half an hour, he then came down and she asked again for a drink.

She didn't toss the baby into the bin and stamp her foot and say if you won't make me tea I'm not getting on with it. She got on with it. She would just like some support.

Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 17:29

I'm new to Mumsnet n so far I've not taken part in a single thread that has not been blown ALL out of proportion! People just wildly assume thing! What ever gave you the impression she's become a helpless sofa dweller?! Bit extreme!

I think what's most worrying about this thread is that the OP stated in her original post lot's of things that rang alarm bells for me as potential PND. She's struggling, she doesn't feel like she's doing a very good job. She comes on Mumsnet for support and if she ever comes back to read this thread (which I hope she doesn't) she will be left feeling more alone and useless than she was before :(

A lot of you could have been much more polite in your comments if you felt she wbu.

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 17:30

Where does it say that she waited 30 mins? Sorry couldn't find it in the OP, please can you show me where it says this? Perhaps in a subsequent post?
In the op it says she asked, he made a fuss but did it anyway.
Maybe I should have said getting on with it without whining and asking people to feed me. Would that be more accurate?

Lurkedforever1 · 02/09/2015 17:30

three I didn't say she was doing fuck all. And I wasn't comparing myself to op. I was comparing the fact I've been in both ops position and her dh's, and stating the former was less tiring.
Fair enough op may think it's harder than I did. But by that logic her dh may also think work, housework, cooking etc is harder than I do. So it's still a reasonable comparison of being in both positions.

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 17:34

bigbuttons yes she did say it in a later post, you can search for it in advanced search if you don't believe me?

It would have been more accurate yes, but also more spiteful, but it seems that doesn't bother you.

Lurked YOU found it less tiring, that isn't to say that it's the same for everyone. Some of you seem incapable of empathy or imagining that anyone's experience could be different from your own.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 17:41

It's weird that some posters seem so horrified at the idea of asking your partner for an occasional, very minor, favour.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 17:41

Yes, the OPs OH was upstairs resting. She shouted upstairs for tea.

I think that's selfish and unreasonable.

Lurkedforever1 · 02/09/2015 17:46

In that case three why aren't you defending the fact ops dh might find his role harder than others do? Fairs fair, if we're all getting out our violins because op finds it hard, surely it's only fair to say the same of her dh.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 17:50

Her OH is not the one asking for favours though.

Has breastfeeding rendered the OP unable to walk?

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 17:52

Because in real life if a tearful new mother said she was struggling with motherhood and feeding her small baby, and her partner was angry because he had been asked to make her a cup of tea on top of coping with housework, I would offer my support first to the woman in question.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 17:52

Breastfeeding a 10 week old rendered me unable to walk around making cups of tea tbh.

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