to ask for a drink and snack while breastfeeding

[schoopz]

DP just had a huge go at me when i asked him for a cup of tea and snack as i was breastfeeding (10 week old) - he said he was very tired and he shouldn't have to justify himself not doing what i wanted at the drop of a hat -
i then got upset and pointed out i couldn't get up and do it myself
He then got up, slammed the stuff around in the kitchen and made the tea and snack - but told me i shouldn't be so demanding and that i need to exercise more "give and take"
He has now gone upstairs for a sleep while I look after the baby.
Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding? If he's tired should I give him a break and just wait until i can fix it myself?
Hate that i always end up crying and I don't want to be so pathetic, finding motherhood tough as it is and don't always feel i'm doing the best job, so his anger and criticism doesn't help

[AcrossthePond55]

I apologize if this has been covered; It shouldn't be a problem for DH to do this on occasion. But if every time the OP sits down to bf she asks him to fix/bring her something, then I do think it's a bit excessive. I used to sit down with a drink of water or soda as bf is thirsty-work, but if I forgot or was rushed and if DH was heading to the kitchen or not doing anything, he would bring me something to drink gladly if I asked. But I wouldn't have called him away from whatever he was doing just to fix me something.

[Katie2001]

If one of my sisters, having so recently produced another human being presumably quite painfully, asked me to fetch them something while they were breastfeeding I would do it willingly and quickly in order to be helpful. I don't understand why it's a problem to do it.

[pennypitstoppe]

Yanbu. I understand that bf releases hormones thatmake you very thirsty. I don't see the big deal in asking dp to get you a drink. Most parents would prefer to help each other rather than leaving a baby to cry.

[LieselVonTwat]

I think some people got overinvested in their initial, baseless assumptions about the poor, hardworking put upon DH being knackered after coming in from his full time job and OP sitting on her arse all day.

[slightlyglitterpaned]

I think some people have difficulty considering breastfeeding and care of a newborn as real work.

[InimitableJeeves]

But why is asking for a cup of tea when your child is breastfeeding "expecting more than is fair?" OP is working and looking after a 10 week old baby, is feeding for an hour at a time at 2-3 hour intervals through the night, and is understandably emotionally fragile. Yes, her DH is contributing to the housework, but he works part time at home and he's not doing the night feeds. When they've just come back and the baby is screaming for a feed, was it really unfair to ask DH to take two minutes bringing a cup of tea and a snack?

[Lurkedforever1]

As has been said inimitable phrases such as 'a history of not catering to my needs' and the dh's actual response indicate it's not a case of him not being thoughtful, it's comes across to me as though op is expecting more than is fair.
As to helping a friend, yes if they asked, but more likely I'd just offer. However people who continuously demand I do things they are in a better position to do perfectly well themselves get short shrift.

Being supportive of women solid doesn't mean being blind to situations when actually the man has a point. Overcompensating for real sexism towards females by giving the message that acting like the less capable gender is acceptable isn't constructive in my view.

[CarrotVan]

Schoopz in more practical terms it's worth laying in a supply of cereal bars and carrying a refillable bottle of water around with you so you always have a drink and a snack that's handy or easy to grab quickly.

My DH was still medicated for depression when DS was that age. His particular depression does leave him very tired (it affects his sleep pattern horribly) and he was working full time and doing most of the cooking similar to your DH. It was a difficult time as there's a bit of adjustment to routine - the baby is more alert, more active, needs more engagement and having a growth spurt. The broken nights are catching up with everyone and you're all a bit ratty.

[LieselVonTwat]

Yeah, that.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Given that pretty much every other discussion group, cultural attitude and fucking news media outlet continues to bang home the message that women need to support, indulge and service men, the fact that MN puts women first and takes women's side over men's is the best thing about it.

When there is a newborn baby in the house, if the mother has a male partner he is lowest priority for a while. Baby comes first, older kids second, then mother and then father. It's not forever, but some people still seem incapable of accepting any kind of arrangement that doesn't prioritise the man over the woman.

[InimitableJeeves]

But, Lurked, what on earth is the problem with asking the husband for some tea? He clearly isn't incapable of making it, there is no indication that OP knew what he was doing upstairs but when he didn't reply she left it till he came back down so it's not like she was harassing him. If you were struggling to breastfeed and have the child securely latched on, would you want to disturb that? And, if you were visiting a friend in that situation and she asked if you would make some tea, would you seriously tell her that she was being as dependent and feeble as possible?

I simply don't understand this perception that the normal give and take of marriage is in some way heinous. My dh asked me to take his plate back to the kitchen with mine after our meal tonight. Should I have told him to get lost and stop being so dependent and feeble?

[Oysterbabe]

YANBU in any way.
Also I just asked my DH to make me some tea and toast because I can't be fucked to move. He's doing it now.

[Lurkedforever1]

inimitable I also left out the normal expectation that by 10 weeks breast feeding doesn't render you incapable of walking to the kitchen and co-ordinating a tap and a glass. But yeah lots of assumptions to put it from another angle in order to demonstrate how hypocritical people are being. Everyone pander be supportive because op sounds a bit unhappy, but bollocks to her dh and his actual depression he needs to pull his socks up. My empathy, or indeed sympathy, isn't based purely on whether they have the same gender as myself, regardless of the rights or wrongs. Sorry if that breaks some unwritten female code where we all encourage each other to be as dependent and feeble as possible.

[ProvisionallyAnxious]

and an absolutely massive , OP. I hope things go better after your chat with your DH.

Also, please don't let this put you off posting on MN for support - though some of the more specific boards may attract less goady fuckers be a bit calmer than AIBU.

[InimitableJeeves]

I must admit to enjoying the fact that goblin and big buttons enthusiastically applauded Lurked's post at 19.58, saying how "spot on" she was, when actually it was based on a number of assumptions and omissions. She's assumed that OP's DH has gone back to work full time and OP is not working; whereas the reality is that DH is working part time from home, whilst OP is also working part time whilst breastfeeding and looking after a 10 week old baby. She assumes that the husband had gone upstairs to rest, but there's nothing in the information supplied that indicates that that is necessarily the case or that OP knew it if it was. And finally, in trying to envisage how this would work out if it was the husband formula feeding, she has wholly left out of the equation the fact that formula feeding doesn't make the feeder thirsty.

Still, for some people, any material is grist to the mill if you want to attack a vulnerable OP, no matter how many wild assumptions it is based on.

[InimitableJeeves]

Unhappyuser, the fact that you seriously contend that all babies sleep for 80% of the time, and that if the don't it is the parents' fault for sticking to "daft fashions" is in effect an announcement to the rest of us that you know virtually nothing about babies and feeding. I suggest you go away and do some research.

[Topseyt]

Bloody hell, there are some goady and bitchy posts on this thread.

A new mum who admits to struggling with a 10 week old is being called a pampered princess who should just suck it up!!!! Seriously??? I remember still feeling overwhelmed with my first baby when she was 10 weeks old, and such thoughtless comments would have driven me over the edge.

It is perfectly normal at that stage to still not feel totally in control, and to need support. I know I did even though I had had to give up on breastfeeding after a very short time before it destroyed me (no exaggeration).

OP, you were not being unreasonable to have asked your DH for a drink and a snack. Ignore the bullshitters on this thread. They must all have had perfect babies who just took easily to things and never got in the way of them getting anything for themselves at all. Clearly they were all supermums, who could "do it all" effortlessly.

[TheOddity]

Sounds good Schoopz. It is hard work for everyone involved with a newborn/small baby and is totally normal to get into the 'tiredness competition'. I can assure you it gets easier the less frequently they need to feed and the more regalarly they sleep! Well done talking to DH later, it is best to get it all straightened out before it causes resentment.

[bigbuttons]

Lol

[bigbuttons]

I have bf 6 and never been trapped under any of them. My last stopped at about 4. I suspect the majority of mothers round the world aren't either.

[schoopz]

This was my first time posting on man and I feel pretty overwhelmed by the comments. And the assumptions made which are so wrong.

Person who wrote this: weird fuckers fantasising about a totally invented OP, because what OP actually said doesn't fit the evil parasitic bitch preying on long suffering poor Man With A Responsible Job narrative.

Is right.

My OH works part time self employed from home. So do I, at the moment. (I usually work full time + in 3 jobs) And I also do housework! Day in question was a bank holiday, anyway and neither of us were working.

I am not a needy princess, but I AM finding it hard, as I am sure a lot of first time mothers and fathers do.

I think the most important thing as some have said is to love and care for each other and since posting I've talked with DH about both our needs for support and care for and from each other.

Will stop there in case anything else is just fuel to fire but please those who posted v vitriolic things be aware that people who post in vulnerable states maybe not always be in position to step back and not take your comments to heart.

[ThreeBeanRap]

A huge bias in favour of women...completely against societal norms then bigbuttons so long may it continue. I hope women continue to support each other through this site at times in their lives when they need it most and aren't put off by people like you.

shiteforbrains I think you're right. Will leave this here in the happy knowledge that I don't have to live like these people seem to.

Good luck OP if you're still reading, I really wish you the best and hope you get all the help and support you need from your partner in future.

[bigbuttons]

Perfect logic, again.

[TheOddity]

If a bloke came on here complaining about his wife not making him food and drink when he was looking after the baby then he would get told to man up.

If a bloke came on here saying he'd mastered the art of breastfeeding, he'd be given a bloody medal. Until that day, he can deign to make a cuppa for his wife who is trapped under a baby feeding. Either you have never been in this situation or you have the momory of a sodding goldfish.