to ask for a drink and snack while breastfeeding

[schoopz]

DP just had a huge go at me when i asked him for a cup of tea and snack as i was breastfeeding (10 week old) - he said he was very tired and he shouldn't have to justify himself not doing what i wanted at the drop of a hat -
i then got upset and pointed out i couldn't get up and do it myself
He then got up, slammed the stuff around in the kitchen and made the tea and snack - but told me i shouldn't be so demanding and that i need to exercise more "give and take"
He has now gone upstairs for a sleep while I look after the baby.
Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding? If he's tired should I give him a break and just wait until i can fix it myself?
Hate that i always end up crying and I don't want to be so pathetic, finding motherhood tough as it is and don't always feel i'm doing the best job, so his anger and criticism doesn't help

[InimitableJeeves]

But, Lurked, what on earth is the problem with asking the husband for some tea? He clearly isn't incapable of making it, there is no indication that OP knew what he was doing upstairs but when he didn't reply she left it till he came back down so it's not like she was harassing him. If you were struggling to breastfeed and have the child securely latched on, would you want to disturb that? And, if you were visiting a friend in that situation and she asked if you would make some tea, would you seriously tell her that she was being as dependent and feeble as possible?

I simply don't understand this perception that the normal give and take of marriage is in some way heinous. My dh asked me to take his plate back to the kitchen with mine after our meal tonight. Should I have told him to get lost and stop being so dependent and feeble?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Given that pretty much every other discussion group, cultural attitude and fucking news media outlet continues to bang home the message that women need to support, indulge and service men, the fact that MN puts women first and takes women's side over men's is the best thing about it.

When there is a newborn baby in the house, if the mother has a male partner he is lowest priority for a while. Baby comes first, older kids second, then mother and then father. It's not forever, but some people still seem incapable of accepting any kind of arrangement that doesn't prioritise the man over the woman.

[LieselVonTwat]

Yeah, that.

[CarrotVan]

Schoopz in more practical terms it's worth laying in a supply of cereal bars and carrying a refillable bottle of water around with you so you always have a drink and a snack that's handy or easy to grab quickly.

My DH was still medicated for depression when DS was that age. His particular depression does leave him very tired (it affects his sleep pattern horribly) and he was working full time and doing most of the cooking similar to your DH. It was a difficult time as there's a bit of adjustment to routine - the baby is more alert, more active, needs more engagement and having a growth spurt. The broken nights are catching up with everyone and you're all a bit ratty.

[Lurkedforever1]

As has been said inimitable phrases such as 'a history of not catering to my needs' and the dh's actual response indicate it's not a case of him not being thoughtful, it's comes across to me as though op is expecting more than is fair.
As to helping a friend, yes if they asked, but more likely I'd just offer. However people who continuously demand I do things they are in a better position to do perfectly well themselves get short shrift.

Being supportive of women solid doesn't mean being blind to situations when actually the man has a point. Overcompensating for real sexism towards females by giving the message that acting like the less capable gender is acceptable isn't constructive in my view.

[InimitableJeeves]

But why is asking for a cup of tea when your child is breastfeeding "expecting more than is fair?" OP is working and looking after a 10 week old baby, is feeding for an hour at a time at 2-3 hour intervals through the night, and is understandably emotionally fragile. Yes, her DH is contributing to the housework, but he works part time at home and he's not doing the night feeds. When they've just come back and the baby is screaming for a feed, was it really unfair to ask DH to take two minutes bringing a cup of tea and a snack?

[slightlyglitterpaned]

I think some people have difficulty considering breastfeeding and care of a newborn as real work.

[LieselVonTwat]

I think some people got overinvested in their initial, baseless assumptions about the poor, hardworking put upon DH being knackered after coming in from his full time job and OP sitting on her arse all day.

[pennypitstoppe]

Yanbu. I understand that bf releases hormones thatmake you very thirsty. I don't see the big deal in asking dp to get you a drink. Most parents would prefer to help each other rather than leaving a baby to cry.

[Katie2001]

If one of my sisters, having so recently produced another human being presumably quite painfully, asked me to fetch them something while they were breastfeeding I would do it willingly and quickly in order to be helpful. I don't understand why it's a problem to do it.

[AcrossthePond55]

I apologize if this has been covered; It shouldn't be a problem for DH to do this on occasion. But if every time the OP sits down to bf she asks him to fix/bring her something, then I do think it's a bit excessive. I used to sit down with a drink of water or soda as bf is thirsty-work, but if I forgot or was rushed and if DH was heading to the kitchen or not doing anything, he would bring me something to drink gladly if I asked. But I wouldn't have called him away from whatever he was doing just to fix me something.