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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is BIL hurtful and DH is allowing it

216 replies

bellheart · 27/08/2015 21:41

Namechanged for this

Sorry there is a lot of background to this one but I will try and keep it short.
My DH has 2 older brothers, BIL1 is the oldest he has a son and they both live with us. His wife (mother to his son) died 6 years ago.
BIL2 is the middle brother. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend, the ex left him and the daughter for another man and then she passed away. BIL2 struggled with this and turned to drink and drugs. So DH adopted the daughter just before we met and he has raised her as his own. We both now refer to her as our DD and she calls us mum and dad but she does know that we aren't really her parents.

Now BIL2 has been clean for a couple of years. He comes and visits us every weekend. He doesn't do anything with his daughter alone as he doesn't want to. He mostly comes to play video games either With his brothers or by himself. DD refers to him as uncle first name but she does know that he is her father.

So to the point. I am just over 8 months pregnant. We have been trying for years and had to suffer a couple of miscarriages so this baby feels like a dream come true. However it has been far from easy plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

BIL2 keeps making stupid comments since I became pregnant it started off sounding more like jokes at first but since then he has become more and more offensive.
He says things like, God your looking fat today did you shallow a whale oh no wait just a monster. He also says that I planned to lose my job so DH would have to support us and calling me lazy and if I am eating he laughs and says oh God eating for two AGAIN.
This upsets me and I have brought it up with DH but he shrugs it off and says it's just BIL2 joking and I shouldn't take it to heart. When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones.

So it all came to a head for me tonight. We were having dinner and BIL2 came round to borrow something. I asked of anyone wanted a dessert and BIL2 said haha surprised you haven't eaten them all. I ignored him and carried on. DH started clearing the table and he asked why I wasn't doing it. I said it was DHs turn and he said oh I thought it was the baby making you lazy again. I laughed it off and we carried on.

Then we were all sitting watching tv and I was sitting on a cushion and I had a hot water bottle because my back hurts and it makes the pain slightly better which BIL2 knows because DH explained it too him a while ago. He looked at me and said God your so lazy you can't even sit by yourself. I told him to stop it now as we were trying to listen to the tv and wind down for the night.

I went into the kitchen with BIL1 to sort some financial stuff out and BIL2 followed us and said oh are you getting another snack. I said no we were sorting some bills out.
He said well you know if you keep lazing around all the time you will probably make the baby fat and that could kill it.
I lost it and called him a dick. He got really defensive saying that I was being a hormonal cow bag and he thinks I am using his brother.

BIL 2 then stormed out so DH came to see what happened. I explained to him and he didn't say anything to me he just ran out after BIL 2.
I was upset and BIL 1 was really nice and sorted the kids and made sure I was okay.

DH eventually came home and he said that he was upset with me for upsetting his brother as I might push him over the edge. I said I was really upset by his brothers behaviour and his comments were really horrible and untrue. DH seems to think that because it's untrue I should take it as a joke. I said I didn't find it funny and DH said it was probably just my hormones.

I have gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa because I am really upset with both of them.

So am I being unreasonable and should I just take it as a joke, or are they being unreasonable.

OP posts:
laffymeal · 27/08/2015 21:43

Your bil is a cunt and your dh is a spineless dick.

EatDessertFirst · 27/08/2015 21:45

laffy got there first!

You have a 'D'H problem, not a BIL problem.

hedgehogsdontbite · 27/08/2015 21:48

No YANBU. Your BIL is a nasty bastard and your DH is a fuckwit for allowing him to speak to you like that.

RandomMess · 27/08/2015 21:48

What laffymeal said.

There is so much projection going one from him...

"using his brother" - like he is letting him adopt his daughter and absconding ALL responsibility for her

"lazy" - like his is for not even bothering to build a relationship with his daughter even as a niece.

What an utter cunt he is.

laffymeal · 27/08/2015 21:49

Glad we all agreeGrin

ollieplimsoles · 27/08/2015 21:49

might push him over the edge

Well boo fucking hoo... Its attitudes like that that have helped him fuck his life up til this point. What a cry baby dick, he needs to man up. He should be on his knees fucking thanking you for what you have done for the family.

And the only person using his brother is him.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 27/08/2015 21:51

He made a 'joke' about killing your baby and your DH is blaming you for upsetting him??!! Jesus. I have no words.

Reubs15 · 27/08/2015 21:53

They're both knobs! It should be your husband sleeping on the sofa!

ollieplimsoles · 27/08/2015 21:55

And why are you sleeping on the sofa at 8 months pregnant??

Get that bell end out of that bed and on the sofa instead where he belongs

WombatStewForTea · 27/08/2015 21:55

Yeah he's a prize dick and your DH isn't any better!!

Original poster
bellheart · 27/08/2015 21:57

I am really upset about DHs lack of support.
His brother is a touchy issue and he does feel responsible for him since their parents died. But it really hurts that he is taking his brothers side on this.
BIL 1 can see that his brother is being a dick so why can't my husband.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 27/08/2015 21:58

Well I agree with everyone else. You said that BIL 1 was nice. If he is generally supportive do you think he could be persuaded to take your side and tell the other two what complete arseholes they are all being?

UterusUterusGhali · 27/08/2015 21:58

What they said. ^^

Original poster
bellheart · 27/08/2015 21:59

I'm on the sofa because I left the room in anger and I don't want to go back up there and ask him to take the sofa because I am really angry and upset.

OP posts:
nocabbageinmyeye · 27/08/2015 21:59

I get the saying you don't have a bil problem you have a dh problem but still annoys me, op has both, bil is a bullying cunt who knows your dh is a spineless coward and is laughing while he treats his wife like shit cause he knows he won't do anything about it. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Did bil1 say anything? God you've helped this family so much and one of them treat you like this, that's so hurtful. Ultimatum time I think

SeasideSunshine · 27/08/2015 21:59

I would ask BIL1 if he could discuss this with your DH. Perhaps he could make your DH see how out of order BIL2 is.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/08/2015 22:01

Fucking hell OP. None of that is ok. If I was there I would yell at them for you so loud they wouldn't know what hit them. I am feeling particularly feisty this evening.

THEY ARE BOTH CUNTING ASSHOLES.

BathshebaDarkstone · 27/08/2015 22:01

Fathers to be can be inconsiderate dickheads. I have no words to describe your BIL though. BrewCake

JustHavinABreak · 27/08/2015 22:03

You poor thing. Sending you hugs x

Although he shouldn't have to, is there any way that BIL1 could talk to DH? He can obviously see the harm their brother is causing and DH can hardly accuse him of being pregnant and hormonal.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 27/08/2015 22:09

Yes, another vote for BIL1 to talk to your DH. How fucking rude!

junebirthdaygirl · 27/08/2015 22:10

Your dh sounds like he took on a lot of caring in his family. His db is an alcoholic and families can build up a lot of fear and codependency around protecting one in case they hit the drink again. There is a lot of stuff he needs to look at as it's now affecting his own relationship. I don't know how ye manage your own privacy with so many others around all the time. It's like there is no space just for ye. I would find that hard.

Blu · 27/08/2015 22:13

Is BIL2 always like this, or just since you have been pregnant ? (and congratulations!). Is he worried (and guilty) that with a baby of your own his DD might be pushed out a bit?

Tell your DH that you have had enough of this constant needling dressed up as a joke and you have a right to stick up for yourself. If BIL2 can't take it he has a very easy get out: shut up and leave you alone .

And next time your BIL carries on like this just look him calmly in the eye and say 'why do you feel the need to go on and on and on about my eating normally and increasing in size in the normal way that pregnant women do? Because I would like you to keep it to yourself'.

Your DH seems to be seeing you as someone who helps him with his responsibilities: his adopted Dd and his brother, rather than as someone who deserves his loyalty. Speak to him about this.

Good luck .

StackladysMorphicResonator · 27/08/2015 22:13

Shock I cannot believe your DH isn't supporting you! AND you're 8 months pregnant with his child!

Your DH is spineless. You know (obviously) that your BIL is a complete knob - having had issues in the past, abdicating all responsibility for his own daughter to YOU and your DH, he's no special snowflake and your DH needs to start sticking up for his own wife and child. Clearly BIL is a dickhead of the first order. If my BIL said even half of what your BIL has said my DH would call him out and cut contact immediately.

Please show your DH this thread, maybe it will help him to understand how unreasonable he is being.

Flowers for you.

abbieanders · 27/08/2015 22:16

Perhaps it would be less stressful if you spent the remaining portion of your pregnancy with your parents, and possibly planned to go home to them with the new baby.

I've a 14 week old, you will not be able to recover in that situation.

DoJo · 27/08/2015 22:30

Your BIL is a complete dick, and perhaps if he was told this instead of his brother pandering to his rude and spiteful behaviour then he wouldn't be making such a monumental balls-up of his own life. Your husband is doing him no favours by excusing his appalling behaviour - I'm sure their parents would have wanted their sons to be equipped to deal with the world, not have excuses made for them and be allowed to treat people so badly just because they have had some rough times in the past. I agree with a PP that if BIL1 can see that his brother is out of order then perhaps he could draw your husband's attention to that fact to demonstrate that writing everything off to your 'hormones' is patronising, dismissive and inaccurate.