is BIL hurtful and DH is allowing it

[bellheart]

Namechanged for this

Sorry there is a lot of background to this one but I will try and keep it short.
My DH has 2 older brothers, BIL1 is the oldest he has a son and they both live with us. His wife (mother to his son) died 6 years ago.
BIL2 is the middle brother. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend, the ex left him and the daughter for another man and then she passed away. BIL2 struggled with this and turned to drink and drugs. So DH adopted the daughter just before we met and he has raised her as his own. We both now refer to her as our DD and she calls us mum and dad but she does know that we aren't really her parents.

Now BIL2 has been clean for a couple of years. He comes and visits us every weekend. He doesn't do anything with his daughter alone as he doesn't want to. He mostly comes to play video games either With his brothers or by himself. DD refers to him as uncle first name but she does know that he is her father.

So to the point. I am just over 8 months pregnant. We have been trying for years and had to suffer a couple of miscarriages so this baby feels like a dream come true. However it has been far from easy plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

BIL2 keeps making stupid comments since I became pregnant it started off sounding more like jokes at first but since then he has become more and more offensive.
He says things like, God your looking fat today did you shallow a whale oh no wait just a monster. He also says that I planned to lose my job so DH would have to support us and calling me lazy and if I am eating he laughs and says oh God eating for two AGAIN.
This upsets me and I have brought it up with DH but he shrugs it off and says it's just BIL2 joking and I shouldn't take it to heart. When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones.

So it all came to a head for me tonight. We were having dinner and BIL2 came round to borrow something. I asked of anyone wanted a dessert and BIL2 said haha surprised you haven't eaten them all. I ignored him and carried on. DH started clearing the table and he asked why I wasn't doing it. I said it was DHs turn and he said oh I thought it was the baby making you lazy again. I laughed it off and we carried on.

Then we were all sitting watching tv and I was sitting on a cushion and I had a hot water bottle because my back hurts and it makes the pain slightly better which BIL2 knows because DH explained it too him a while ago. He looked at me and said God your so lazy you can't even sit by yourself. I told him to stop it now as we were trying to listen to the tv and wind down for the night.

I went into the kitchen with BIL1 to sort some financial stuff out and BIL2 followed us and said oh are you getting another snack. I said no we were sorting some bills out.
He said well you know if you keep lazing around all the time you will probably make the baby fat and that could kill it.
I lost it and called him a dick. He got really defensive saying that I was being a hormonal cow bag and he thinks I am using his brother.

BIL 2 then stormed out so DH came to see what happened. I explained to him and he didn't say anything to me he just ran out after BIL 2.
I was upset and BIL 1 was really nice and sorted the kids and made sure I was okay.

DH eventually came home and he said that he was upset with me for upsetting his brother as I might push him over the edge. I said I was really upset by his brothers behaviour and his comments were really horrible and untrue. DH seems to think that because it's untrue I should take it as a joke. I said I didn't find it funny and DH said it was probably just my hormones.

I have gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa because I am really upset with both of them.

So am I being unreasonable and should I just take it as a joke, or are they being unreasonable.

A good outcome op. Understanding and empathy from both of you. Well done in handling it so well, given that you were understandably hurt and upset.

I think misc has some excellent points in how to move forward. Dh has good intentions but needs guidence in how best to help his brother. There is some excellent advice in the above post.

All the best with the baby and moving forward.

They're not even jokes. He just sounds a little odd. I mean, who talks like that?

Also agree with Misc that your dh needs to decide exactly what he wants his relationship with his brother to be. He seems to have the idea that if he can keep all stresses out of bil2's life, then he will save him from his addictions. That's not a realistic vision. Bil2 needs to learn how to cope with stresses, he needs to learn how to treat people so that they respond positively towards him.

It is clear that bil2 is jealous of your position. You are the focus of dh, you are the other "adult" in the house, you are parenting his child when he doesn't. He is essentially treating you like a wicked stepmother and seeing how far he can push you, with a view to you leaving.

He needs to grow up. It is not your responsibility to help him do that, but if dh wants to help, then I think he needs to contact an organisation for the families of addicts, because what he's doing at the moment is all wrong, and supporting bil2 in not standing on his own two feet. Which means bil2 will never be able to cope with the real world.

How did he get on talking to BIL today?

Thank you for your comments. We carried on talking late into the night about why DH feels the need to protect his brother and why letting him get away with behaviour may not be the best way to go about it.

He went to speak to BIL 2 this morning. He told BIL that he had thought about it a lot and what he said was offensive and he wanted him to apologise to me and an assurance that it wouldn't happen again and they also talked about their relationship was going to change and DH apologised for his part in that and explained that he would try and be his brother rather than his dad. BIL took this well and said that he understood and he would stop pushing it.

BIL 2 came back to ours with DH and he said sorry for what he said. Then he went to play games by himself for a bit and DH stayed upstairs with me to sort some stuff and then I sent him to play with his brother for a bit.

Everything was fine and BIL 2 stayed for dinner. However while we were eating DD asked what we were doing and DH and I told her we were taking her for a special treat as she goes back to school on Wednesday but DH is back in work on Monday so this is the last day to do a treat day out.
She was excited and she was trying to guess where we were going.

But when she went upstairs to get ready for bed BIL 2 said well I guess I'm not coming round tomorrow then. DH said sorry he thought he had told him that we weren't here. BIL 2 huffed a bit and said well he shall just have to cope.
DH said he could take some games home with him if he wants.
BIL went downstairs to pick them. DH went to the other room and BIL came back up and he said I know that it's your fault you made DH angry with me and I bet you arranged this day out so I couldn't spend time with DH.
I said that I was sorry but we arranged this ages ago and I thought DH had told him but it wasn't my fault.

He snorted at me and said he hoped I was happy that I got what I wanted and he hoped I realised that I was going to make DH break up with me. I told him to stop it now and I was going to go into the other room.

He grabbed my arm and whispered that I was going to regret my meddling and he hoped that I got what was coming to me. Then he said that all my babies died and this one would too because of something that happened to me in my past.

DH came rushing in and told him to get out now and not to bother coming back. He told him that he was under the thumb and slammed out the house.

That's awful! How much of that did your DH hear? I hope it was all of it.... I think your BIL very much resents you... It sounds like a v bad situation all round.

What has your DH said?

You can't keep seeing your BIL if he is going to be like this...

I didnt post this last night but i suspected this would happen I had a nasty feeling that he would carry on bullying you but simply try to do it behind your DHs back. Seen it too many times before on here and in RL

Im sorry OP Im glad your DH has come through for you in the end. He needs to watch out for the emotional blackmail and manipulation which will inevitably come from your BIL now. And BIL assaulted you .

I would not have him back in my house- however difficult that was. I would simply refuse and tell DH that if he let him back in I would be leaving until he put a stop to it. I would also tell DH that if he ever allowec his B to treat me like that again I would be leaving and not returning. And I would mean it.
My DH ws reading this over my shoulder and his view is they are both utter cunts, BIL sound like a piece of shit all round and your DH needs to get things in priority- if he can't you know where you come on his list and it is behind a few other people when you should be number 1.

You must feel like crap.

Rereading that post again he sounds sick in the head. And i will probably be flamed but he sounds dangerous to me.

Oh you poor thing. What a hitting thing to have happened. I'm pleased your dh did what he did but that's awful for you.
I hope you sleep well tonight & enjoy your day out with dd.

He was right in a way Your DH was/is under the thumb..............to your BIL!

Wow op hope your ok.

I really hope your Dh stands to his word now.

DH didn't hear BIL say anything to me but he walked into the room and could see BIL had hold of my arm and that he was speaking to me with a horrid look on his face and that I looked really upset.
I told DH what he said once he had left.

DH is very upset about it. He keeps saying sorry and fussing round me making sure I'm okay. He is also really worried about having to tell BIL 1 what has happened tomorrow.

Well i hope he tells BIL1 the truth and doesnt try to sugar coat it.

Shit! He's very messed up. I hope your DH keeps to his word that BIL2 is no longer welcome in your home.
I fear though that you've got a rocky road ahead of you.
Is there any way you, DH, DD and the baby can move out and make a new home for yourselves? The family dynamics sound far too intertwined.

Your DH needs to keep to his word.

OP you do realise that domestic abuse can be perpetrated by family members other than a spouse. If you feel the need you could call Womens Aid for advice.

What a sick prick! I hope your DH realizes that his brother made direct threats to you and never lets him cross the doorstep again!

I can see it could get really nasty as you have DD, BIL1 in the house as well but your DH has to be prepared to do this. I can't believe he thought a chat over a couple of video games would sort it out. He has no idea how hurtful and disrespectful it is. It would never have been funny. I have never seen DH hit anyone but I think he would have lost it with him and thumped him.
Please don't give in on this. What on earth are they all playing video games for all the time? is BIL2 smoking dope as well?

It does need to be out in the open, so BIL1 needs to know, otherwise he'll be stuck in the middle wondering what's happening and why his brother can't or won't come to your house. He also may be useful in making BIL2 see how awful his attitude to you is.

We can't move out (and we won't be) DH owns the house anyway and BIL 1 pays rent for the flat.

DH keeps saying he hates him and never wants near me or the kids ever again.

It does sound like BIL2, with no responsibilities, has reverted to childhood.

That is awful, OP.

BIL2 has a very unhealthy fixation on your dh, your dh needs to detach himself from BIL2 it is a dysfunctional dynamic that is doing no-one any favours and could well escalate into something even nastier.

BIL1 also needs to be made fully aware of what has gone on.

I hope you are ok, that must have been frightening and very upsetting.

Well I guess it was too much to hope for that the brother would give up so easily on entrenched behaviour that keeps DH dancing attendance on him. It's probably a vicarious thrill to have so much power over someone, and who is/was so easy to manipulate.

From that perspective the brothers behaviour is simple to understand, but also scary as it sounds like he's got no brakes or internal standards to keep his behaviour in check.

That's why it's so terribly misguided to give someone like that free rein and endless excuses. The brother is probably shocked as up until now all his bad behaviour has got him exactly what he wanted. So this one to it hasn't, so his response isto do the same thing but harder... And to hate the interloper even more. As he's not used to taking responsibility for his own actions, he's just carrying on in the same way, but intensified.

I hope your Dh understands the importance of what he does and says now, as if the brother brow beats him into submission again, all the brother has learnt is that he can escalate his behaviour to potentially dangerous levels to get the results he wants.

I'm not sure why your DH has had such a massive turn around about this situation and although good, I'd question the black & white thinking? Why was all terrible behaviour minimised, excused and actually encouraged (since it all led to super special attention for dearest brother bully boy)... And yet now he's public enemy number one for basically doing what he's always been allowed to do?

I don't think your DH is reacting rayionally, it all feels emotional and fraught, and like he has to choose a side, and there's only room for a hero and a villian in this narrative. It would be concerning me though I'd be bloody happy he chose to protect you and stop with the 'throwing the wife & unborn child under the bus strategy'!

Soery I know my post was mamouth last night and you've had enough to deal with already, but I was wondering if you had had any thoughts about the way your DH is not helping his brother by his paternal protect and excuse mentality? Does your DH see that his behaviour has been actively unhelpful for his brother? Limiting and creating an artificial environment where the brother is encouraged in his destructive manipulative behaviour... though clearly it's coming from a place of love and concern (& guilt, and fear...).

I just wonder how he's interpreting what's happening and how he can go from 'brother must be indulged in all his destructive behaviours or else!' To 'he's the bad guy' and suddenly can be judged against all the social norms that just 48hrs ago were absolutely fine and dandy for little brother to trample all over.

What an utter abusive and vile prick, I am very pleased that your dh got your back, and was supporting you. No, never let him in the house again, he is a vile and abusive individual

Oh my goodness. What a terrible thing for you to experience. I hope your DH will continue to support you OP.