is BIL hurtful and DH is allowing it

[bellheart]

Namechanged for this

Sorry there is a lot of background to this one but I will try and keep it short.
My DH has 2 older brothers, BIL1 is the oldest he has a son and they both live with us. His wife (mother to his son) died 6 years ago.
BIL2 is the middle brother. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend, the ex left him and the daughter for another man and then she passed away. BIL2 struggled with this and turned to drink and drugs. So DH adopted the daughter just before we met and he has raised her as his own. We both now refer to her as our DD and she calls us mum and dad but she does know that we aren't really her parents.

Now BIL2 has been clean for a couple of years. He comes and visits us every weekend. He doesn't do anything with his daughter alone as he doesn't want to. He mostly comes to play video games either With his brothers or by himself. DD refers to him as uncle first name but she does know that he is her father.

So to the point. I am just over 8 months pregnant. We have been trying for years and had to suffer a couple of miscarriages so this baby feels like a dream come true. However it has been far from easy plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

BIL2 keeps making stupid comments since I became pregnant it started off sounding more like jokes at first but since then he has become more and more offensive.
He says things like, God your looking fat today did you shallow a whale oh no wait just a monster. He also says that I planned to lose my job so DH would have to support us and calling me lazy and if I am eating he laughs and says oh God eating for two AGAIN.
This upsets me and I have brought it up with DH but he shrugs it off and says it's just BIL2 joking and I shouldn't take it to heart. When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones.

So it all came to a head for me tonight. We were having dinner and BIL2 came round to borrow something. I asked of anyone wanted a dessert and BIL2 said haha surprised you haven't eaten them all. I ignored him and carried on. DH started clearing the table and he asked why I wasn't doing it. I said it was DHs turn and he said oh I thought it was the baby making you lazy again. I laughed it off and we carried on.

Then we were all sitting watching tv and I was sitting on a cushion and I had a hot water bottle because my back hurts and it makes the pain slightly better which BIL2 knows because DH explained it too him a while ago. He looked at me and said God your so lazy you can't even sit by yourself. I told him to stop it now as we were trying to listen to the tv and wind down for the night.

I went into the kitchen with BIL1 to sort some financial stuff out and BIL2 followed us and said oh are you getting another snack. I said no we were sorting some bills out.
He said well you know if you keep lazing around all the time you will probably make the baby fat and that could kill it.
I lost it and called him a dick. He got really defensive saying that I was being a hormonal cow bag and he thinks I am using his brother.

BIL 2 then stormed out so DH came to see what happened. I explained to him and he didn't say anything to me he just ran out after BIL 2.
I was upset and BIL 1 was really nice and sorted the kids and made sure I was okay.

DH eventually came home and he said that he was upset with me for upsetting his brother as I might push him over the edge. I said I was really upset by his brothers behaviour and his comments were really horrible and untrue. DH seems to think that because it's untrue I should take it as a joke. I said I didn't find it funny and DH said it was probably just my hormones.

I have gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa because I am really upset with both of them.

So am I being unreasonable and should I just take it as a joke, or are they being unreasonable.

Just 2 things (sorry if it's been mentioned already) what was BIL1's thoughts on the matter (did he think his brother was being a bastard too or did he feel sorry for him as well).

Also did the kids hear him making these comments because that could really be quite damaging for them to hear him being so verbally abusive to you.

I know it's hurtful to you and the way I see it is it's fine for someone to have a dark/offensive sense of humour but only show it if the people around them are comfortable with it. With my friends who have a similar sense of humour I always say, "That's great that you find it funny but I don't and considering I'm the person the joke is about, my finding it funny is important to whether it's funny or just mean. As I don't find it funny, I think you should have the decency not to say such things in front of me."

It doesn't work on the assholes obviously (like BIL who seems to feel sorry for himself, boohoo) but for those who just forget themselves.

I hope your DH mans up and learns that being a brother isn't just about agreeing with your brother all the time, but showing them wen they are acting like a complete jerkass.

Well BIL 1 is less involved with BIL 2 for lots of reasons. Which is why he is going to talk to BIL 2 because he is more removed from the situation than me and DH.

The kids have heard a few of the previous "jokes" but they luckily weren't around to hear the more extreme comments.

It sounds as if you have your support system well in hand. I'm sure BiL2 needs help, but unfortunately he'll have to come to that realization himself and get it from someone other than your DH. I think BiL1 is right in distancing himself.

I know first hand how hard it is to cut off a sibling with a drink problem. But I can tell you that it is the best thing I ever did and it will be the same for your DH with his brother. My own brother finally got the help he needed on his own.

If anyone said that to me about my babies I would not speak to them again. If my dh felt he needed to see him I wouldn't stop him, but it would not be around me.

Keep yourself safe bellheart

There was a time when this sort of set up was more common.

1940/50s. My grandmother owned a massive house in central London, and she had 3 of her children and their spouses living on different floors. Each couple lived their own lives.

1960/70s. A girl I was at school with. Her parents lived in a large house down the road from us. When the two children grew up, the house was converted to two large and one smaller flat. The children continued to live with/not with the parents until they were able to get their own places.

I could go on.

That sort of lifestyle seems to have largely disappeared; so you, op, don't have a kind of template by which you can compare behaviour and model relationships within that lifestyle.

BIL2 was presumably always a little spoilt, the baby of the family?

Sounds like it's all quite sensible right now, which is good.

"It was agreed that BIL 2 shouldn't be around the DCs by himself at all"

That's very good. Was it also agreed that you shouldn't be left on your own at all as well? Seems wise at the mo...

I just hope that long term this swinging from angel to devil stuff is resolved for your DH, as it's not a great sign of how he's coping with it. Good luck.

As far as I know BIL 2 wasn't spoilt overly as a child. He is the middle child. BIL 1 is the oldest and DH is the youngest.

Maybe you being pregnant is a reminder of what he has lost

How are things now OP Hope you are ok

BIL 1 is going to speak to BIL 2 tomorrow. We haven't heard from him since it happened so we don't really know what he will say.

I don't expect he'll say anything useful. His behaviour has been so batshit-crazy that I doubt he'll be able to recognise it as such and apologise properly, agree to mend his ways or anything. He thinking is completely skewed.

Sadly, the best bet is probably for you all to go non-contact with him. He has brought it on himself.

his thinking, I meant

I hope you are doing OK bellheart? Have you and DH talked any more about the situation with BIL2?

I'm okay, I think. DD went back to school the other day and it has been harder now I have the house to myself because I can overthink things more.

Yes DH and I have talked about it a lot. He is really upset about it, and he doesn't want BIL 2 anywhere near me or the kids. He keeps agonizing about what if he hadn't walked into the room until later on and worrying if BIL 2 will try to take anything further. But at the same time he is worried that BIL 2 is back drinking or on drugs.

As hard as it will be for him to accept, your DH needs to understand that he did not cause his brother's addiction, he cannot control his brother's addiction, and he cannot stop his brother from using. He needs to step away. Not just because it's the right thing to do for you and DD, but because it's the right thing to do for his brother.

I have a brother who is a recovered alcoholic and I, too, felt it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to prevent him from drinking. The hardest lesson for me to learn was that I had to let him go and let him fall, only then would he pick himself up and get sober. It was ugly and harrowing watching him crash and burn, probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But seeing him now, sober, at peace with himself, and working again, it was all so worth it!

BiL2 may or may not ever be sober, but that is his problem, not your DH's.