is BIL hurtful and DH is allowing it

[bellheart]

Namechanged for this

Sorry there is a lot of background to this one but I will try and keep it short.
My DH has 2 older brothers, BIL1 is the oldest he has a son and they both live with us. His wife (mother to his son) died 6 years ago.
BIL2 is the middle brother. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend, the ex left him and the daughter for another man and then she passed away. BIL2 struggled with this and turned to drink and drugs. So DH adopted the daughter just before we met and he has raised her as his own. We both now refer to her as our DD and she calls us mum and dad but she does know that we aren't really her parents.

Now BIL2 has been clean for a couple of years. He comes and visits us every weekend. He doesn't do anything with his daughter alone as he doesn't want to. He mostly comes to play video games either With his brothers or by himself. DD refers to him as uncle first name but she does know that he is her father.

So to the point. I am just over 8 months pregnant. We have been trying for years and had to suffer a couple of miscarriages so this baby feels like a dream come true. However it has been far from easy plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

BIL2 keeps making stupid comments since I became pregnant it started off sounding more like jokes at first but since then he has become more and more offensive.
He says things like, God your looking fat today did you shallow a whale oh no wait just a monster. He also says that I planned to lose my job so DH would have to support us and calling me lazy and if I am eating he laughs and says oh God eating for two AGAIN.
This upsets me and I have brought it up with DH but he shrugs it off and says it's just BIL2 joking and I shouldn't take it to heart. When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones.

So it all came to a head for me tonight. We were having dinner and BIL2 came round to borrow something. I asked of anyone wanted a dessert and BIL2 said haha surprised you haven't eaten them all. I ignored him and carried on. DH started clearing the table and he asked why I wasn't doing it. I said it was DHs turn and he said oh I thought it was the baby making you lazy again. I laughed it off and we carried on.

Then we were all sitting watching tv and I was sitting on a cushion and I had a hot water bottle because my back hurts and it makes the pain slightly better which BIL2 knows because DH explained it too him a while ago. He looked at me and said God your so lazy you can't even sit by yourself. I told him to stop it now as we were trying to listen to the tv and wind down for the night.

I went into the kitchen with BIL1 to sort some financial stuff out and BIL2 followed us and said oh are you getting another snack. I said no we were sorting some bills out.
He said well you know if you keep lazing around all the time you will probably make the baby fat and that could kill it.
I lost it and called him a dick. He got really defensive saying that I was being a hormonal cow bag and he thinks I am using his brother.

BIL 2 then stormed out so DH came to see what happened. I explained to him and he didn't say anything to me he just ran out after BIL 2.
I was upset and BIL 1 was really nice and sorted the kids and made sure I was okay.

DH eventually came home and he said that he was upset with me for upsetting his brother as I might push him over the edge. I said I was really upset by his brothers behaviour and his comments were really horrible and untrue. DH seems to think that because it's untrue I should take it as a joke. I said I didn't find it funny and DH said it was probably just my hormones.

I have gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa because I am really upset with both of them.

So am I being unreasonable and should I just take it as a joke, or are they being unreasonable.

I'm sorry that happened but glad your DH got to witness it. Your DH definitely sounds like a dad figure to BIL2. What adult needs entertaining and to be pacified with being lent games?

What a piece of work, although I suspect the previous drug use has probably left him with severe mental health issues.

I think I would have to say he is no longer welcome at the house or anywhere near you.

You probably can't stop DH seeing him and I suspect that would be counterproductive, but it needs to be away from you, your home and your new baby.

WRT his daughter, he either need to take her our for contact or your DH will have to arrange supervised contact.

I can't see any less drastic workable solution tbh.

It is good the your dh had responded appropriately to this latest unacceptable behaviour.

OP you need to report this to the police. He threatened you. You need to have that logged with the police.

Op, I think whatever next steps you decide to take, they need to be very carefully thought through. From what you have written so far, your BIL is clearly capable of impulsive and aggressive behaviour, and I worry about his attitude towards you. I agree you should call the police, and I think you need to take steps to secure the house (change the locks etc).

Sorry to read your update OP. I hope DH now sees how warped this behaviour from BIL2 is. Surely now he'll be banned from entering your home until after your DC is born at the very least.

As DH adopted DD before you were on the scene and BIL2 hasn't been interested in seeing DD on his visits even as an uncle, it appears this venom is purely directed at you and extra status he thinks you're going to achieve through the baby.

I fear it's gone past the " let OP try talking calmly to reason with BIL2" stage. Abusing substances again might trigger paranoia but certainly this pregnancy has triggered something, his resentment of you has escalated alarmingly.

Taking a step back from the situation and looking at it as an outsider. (Substitute 3 brothers for 3 sisters and I have been the dd in this type of situation including having one aunt live in the same house and one aunt who went off the rails and a mother who acted like a parent to both of them and their children leaving no room for her own children.) Neither BIL1 and 2 are standing on their own 2 feet. Your dh is their brother and needs to step back and realise that his brothers are adults and their decisions, whatever they do has little to nothing to do with him. I would suggest the only way forward is to sell up and move. You could help bil1 out with a deposit on a house but whilst he is renting rooms in the old family house he is not doing himself or his ds any favours.

I would put as much distance between yourself and BIL2 as possible.

This whole situation can only end in tears. Neither myself or my sister have any contact with our dm as she had absolutely no time for us growing up as she spent our childhood running around after her ds's. Before we did anything we had to consider how it would affect her sisters. It was a relief to move out.
Can I ask how both your brothers partners died? I presume as there is a lot of playing video games you are all quite young. Not to cast aspersions but it does seem very suspicious as dbil2 is now threatening your life and the life of your unborn child.

That's horrible. I think that he feels jealous of the OP because her relationship with DD underlines to him what a terrible parent he is. I was going to say inadequate but he doesn't even do enough for there to be anything inadequate. He seems to be quite fixated on the OP having a baby and I think he is jealous that the OP and BIL are building a family he is incapable of making himself.

I think it's a bit of a jump to say he's a serial killer! I guess DDs birth mother's death was something to do with drugs.

Op, I really wouldn't talk to him alone, or be alone with him in any situation. He threatened you and your baby and you have no real way of knowing if it's hot air or something he could do. With a past history of drink and drug abuse there is at least the possibility of unstable behaviour - do be careful!

I agree you all sound very entwined and there's an unusual dynamic here. I think you need to be very careful, keep good communication between the rest of you etc.

I'm not sure how old dd is but she's going to need to know that her situation is secure as well - please make sure you don't lose sight of her in all this!

In what way is BIL1 not standing on his own two feet? He rents a flat that is part of the house. Lots of people rent flats split off from large houses. Doesn't make them bad parents.

Just read this whole thread - I'm glad your DH has thrown your BIL2 out, he sounds like an utter shit!
How dare he say those things to you, especially as you've brought his daughter up as your own, what a massively fuckfaced thing to do :(

I really hope your DH makes sure your BIL2 stays well away from you, tbh, I wouldn't want him near me ever again after that crack about your babies.

What I meant was waffley that if he is renting a part of a house. It is not private, from what the op has written it probably doesn't have a separate entrance. He is not in any position to move forward, live with anyone etc What would happen if he moved a GF in and why is the op discussing bills with him. Presumably he is having to split gas electric bills etc. Having lived in this sort of set up it is just storing up problems for the future.

I don't think anyone should get carried away, as it's not terribly helpful nor calming to the real people involved here

"Can I ask how both your brothers partners died? I presume as there is a lot of playing video games you are all quite young. Not to cast aspersions but it does seem very suspicious as dbil2 is now threatening your life and the life of your unborn child"

You have no idea if it's a problem or not and neither does it equate to him not standing on his own two feet. You might as well say the op isn't standing on her two feet because they are getting rental income from BIL1.

My grandad and his sister shared a house for YEARS. Didn't cause any problems until they both died and their respective heirs had to battle it out.

extremely volatile situation with huge back stories. Op i think you and dh need to be very careful. The way bil grabbed and held on to you and whispered hateful threats when your dh was out of the room is terrifying. Your dh immediate reaction to what he saw-as he didn't hear- speaks volumes to what he knows this b is capable of and has done in the past. The fact that the bil who lives in the house took your concerns seriously also speaks to knowledge that you may not have. Especially disturbing is the weird childish reaction of of this man as if he is being treated badly because you and dh are taking his daughter for a treat.This dangerous man is unhealthily attached to your dh and sees you and your baby as a threat to him.I am not qualified to give advice. I hope all of you can find professional support to work out how to deal with this safely.

all of this^^from amarmai
I am quite alarmed for you, OP. Please continue to keep us updated so that we know you are safe

Whatever you do please dont talk to him alone. Aside from the fact he has grabbed at you (assault) he is dangerous and volatile. And he is very very likely to gaslight you (tell your DH that you have said stuff that you havent)

Hope you are feeling better today and have your DHs and other BILs continuing support.

OP , given the adoption circumstances, is there still a social
Worker involved? Your adoption social worker? As your BIL's behaviour is so clearly unbalanced (to say the least) and banning him fr the house had ramifications for his/ your dd, I wonder whether it is worth seeking help via the sw?

He sounds as if he has mental
Health issues , or a personality disorder , or indeed is back on drugs. I think you (your DH, your other BIL etc) need professional advice.

Maybe changing the main locks so Bil2 doesn't have access is worthwhile thinking about for the time being whilst things get sorted out? In case he escalates?

Thank you for your advice

Just responding to some of your comments. BIL1s wife died of cancer and BIL 2s partner died in an accident whilst she was in another country with the other man a few months after DD was born. BIL 2 started drinking shortly after she died.

I would also argue that BIL 1 is not dependant on us at all. The flat is self-contained and he pays for what he uses just like he would if he lived somewhere else. He has a good job during term time and he pays for his son to got to after school club so that he isn't dependant on us for babysitting and to be honest we don't see them much when schools on. They do their own thing during the week and they do loads on the weekend too.

BIL 2 has supervised access to DD. He has never pushed for anything more and he doesn't spend time with her when he is here unless she talks to him first.

So last night was rough. It really shook me and I couldn't sleep and DH was really upset about it as well.

DH told BIL 1 what happened briefly this morning before we all left and we agreed to talk about it properly when the DCs were in bed.
We had a lovely day out and DD really enjoyed it. She was just tall enough to go on the big kid slides so she was very pleased.

We spoke to BIL1 a little while ago. It was agreed that BIL 2 shouldn't be around the DCs by himself at all. We have decided to leave him for a couple of days to calm down and then BIL 1 will go and speak to him and see what he has to say for himself.

We will be changing the locks tomorrow. BIL 2 doesn't have a key but just in case.

I am pleased you had a lovely day op, and enjoyed a lovely day out. He should not be allowed near you or your home.

Good to hear that DH & BIL 1 are taking this seriously & are united on this. Pleased that you all had a good day today too. You don't need the constant stress, hope that you sleep better tonight.