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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is BIL hurtful and DH is allowing it

216 replies

bellheart · 27/08/2015 21:41

Namechanged for this

Sorry there is a lot of background to this one but I will try and keep it short.
My DH has 2 older brothers, BIL1 is the oldest he has a son and they both live with us. His wife (mother to his son) died 6 years ago.
BIL2 is the middle brother. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend, the ex left him and the daughter for another man and then she passed away. BIL2 struggled with this and turned to drink and drugs. So DH adopted the daughter just before we met and he has raised her as his own. We both now refer to her as our DD and she calls us mum and dad but she does know that we aren't really her parents.

Now BIL2 has been clean for a couple of years. He comes and visits us every weekend. He doesn't do anything with his daughter alone as he doesn't want to. He mostly comes to play video games either With his brothers or by himself. DD refers to him as uncle first name but she does know that he is her father.

So to the point. I am just over 8 months pregnant. We have been trying for years and had to suffer a couple of miscarriages so this baby feels like a dream come true. However it has been far from easy plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

BIL2 keeps making stupid comments since I became pregnant it started off sounding more like jokes at first but since then he has become more and more offensive.
He says things like, God your looking fat today did you shallow a whale oh no wait just a monster. He also says that I planned to lose my job so DH would have to support us and calling me lazy and if I am eating he laughs and says oh God eating for two AGAIN.
This upsets me and I have brought it up with DH but he shrugs it off and says it's just BIL2 joking and I shouldn't take it to heart. When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones.

So it all came to a head for me tonight. We were having dinner and BIL2 came round to borrow something. I asked of anyone wanted a dessert and BIL2 said haha surprised you haven't eaten them all. I ignored him and carried on. DH started clearing the table and he asked why I wasn't doing it. I said it was DHs turn and he said oh I thought it was the baby making you lazy again. I laughed it off and we carried on.

Then we were all sitting watching tv and I was sitting on a cushion and I had a hot water bottle because my back hurts and it makes the pain slightly better which BIL2 knows because DH explained it too him a while ago. He looked at me and said God your so lazy you can't even sit by yourself. I told him to stop it now as we were trying to listen to the tv and wind down for the night.

I went into the kitchen with BIL1 to sort some financial stuff out and BIL2 followed us and said oh are you getting another snack. I said no we were sorting some bills out.
He said well you know if you keep lazing around all the time you will probably make the baby fat and that could kill it.
I lost it and called him a dick. He got really defensive saying that I was being a hormonal cow bag and he thinks I am using his brother.

BIL 2 then stormed out so DH came to see what happened. I explained to him and he didn't say anything to me he just ran out after BIL 2.
I was upset and BIL 1 was really nice and sorted the kids and made sure I was okay.

DH eventually came home and he said that he was upset with me for upsetting his brother as I might push him over the edge. I said I was really upset by his brothers behaviour and his comments were really horrible and untrue. DH seems to think that because it's untrue I should take it as a joke. I said I didn't find it funny and DH said it was probably just my hormones.

I have gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa because I am really upset with both of them.

So am I being unreasonable and should I just take it as a joke, or are they being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 28/08/2015 16:46

Your husband is wrong not to support you but I don't think he is a bastard. I think he is walking on egg shells out of fear and he really needs showing that this is not acceptable and you won't stand for it. I seems that your dh has taken on the father role for his brother and maybe naturally makes excuses for him as a result. This needs to be talked about with him sensitively. Your husband is obviously a decent man and I don't think he is doing this out of spite or because he doesn't care about you.

My husband would let shit slide from his mum. He was scared of upsetting her, more than he was me it seemed but after a while it all changed around when he really understood what he was doing to me and what he stood to lose.

I would make it very clear to him, in whatever way you think best, that you won't stand for it anymore.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 16:58

Your BIl is an utter prick, your h is a massive problem, his behaviour would be a dealbreaker for me, sorry it would.

grapejuicerocks · 28/08/2015 17:02

i haven't victim blamed at all. The op certainly shouldn't stand for being treated in this way at all. The fault is definitely with DH for allowing it to get to the stage it has. What I've tried to say is that he's not doing it deliberately, but out of fear that his brother will revert to his old ways. I've said this is unacceptable and enabling. But rather than accusing him and attacking him, he needs to understand why his behaviour is unacceptable.

The op and bil1 need to make him understand that enabling him is not the answer. This can be done sensibly and calmly, knowing he is a decent person assuming he normally is underneath his fear.

Sallystyle · 28/08/2015 17:04

Exactly grape

Great post.

Original poster
bellheart · 28/08/2015 17:07

Thank you all for your comments I shall try and answer some of your questions and update you all on the current situation.

BIL2 is always telling jokes and has done since I met him but since I became pregnant some of them have felt nastier than just banter.

Yes the house does feel more like the families home rather than mine but really that's what it is. There is enough space for us all though.
It used to be PIL house and its where they grew up, DH lived here before he met me . It has a 2nd floor self contained flat which BIL 1 and his son live in then we have the bedrooms on the 1st floor the living room kitchen etc on the ground floor and then a basement which is basically a games room/storage. BIL 2 tends to stay in the games room on the weekend so I don't see much of him really.

BIL 2 has a job and lives in his own flat about a 15 minute walk from here and we don't see him Monday- Friday unless he is dropping something off or picking something up.

So DH woke me up before he left for work and asked me not to be angry at him. I said I couldn't help it and he had really upset me last night. He said oh okay and went to work.
BIL 1 asked if I wanted him to take both DCs out for a bit to give me a break so I said yes and he offered to meet DH during his lunch break and talk to him about everything which I said yes too.

So BIL1 came back after lunch and said he spoke to DH. He basically asked him if he would let a friend speak to me like that if I told him I didn't like it and eventually DH admitted that he wouldn't so BIL 1 asked him why he allowed BIL 2 to speak to me like that. Apparently DH then got defensive and kept saying it was different but not being able to explain how, he then went back to work.

DH texted me half an hour ago asking me if we could talk and he has asked BIL 1 to have DD sleepover in the flat with him so we can really talk about everything so we shall see how it goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellheart · 28/08/2015 17:12

grape
You are right DH is a decent man and a good husband in many other ways. I don't think he set out to deliberately hurt me because he wouldn't do that.
It just hurt me that he chose to support his brother rather than me and then try and make it seem like it's my fault.
I am hoping we can discuss it calmly tonight and go from there.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/08/2015 17:14

Its great that BIL1 is being so supportive.

NadiaWadia · 28/08/2015 17:19

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation bellheart. I can see how the fact that the house is where your DH and his brothers grew up probably makes you feel as if you have fewer rights.

But honestly your DH needs to get his priorities right, his loyalties should be to you and your kids. As PPs pointed out, it would not be good for your baby to grow up hearing his/her mother being spoken to in this way. And your adopted DD is presumably already hearing this? You have to put your foot down and say you won't tolerate it any more. An apology seems in order as well. If DH doesn't recognise the problem, then maybe you should be thinking about the future of your relationship. But I expect you've already worked all that out.

Your BIL1 does sound lovely though, it's good that you have him on your side.

queenofthishouse · 28/08/2015 17:21

op don't get pulled in to sympathising with your Dh just because he is a 'decent bloke' . A decent bloke would have kicked his brother out for talking to his wife the way he has allowed his db too.

Don't let your feelings be pushed under the carpet in aid for every one else to 'deal' with their shit. If no one is looking out for you who is??

Regardless if DH is mother Theresa incarnate he still has to protect and support his wife. Hope you get it sorted op Flowers

grapejuicerocks · 28/08/2015 17:24

I'm not surprised that you are hurt. It's a massive thing and could so easily have been nipped in the bud after the first few nastier comments, if Dh had stepped in immediately.

Make DH totally aware that you won't stand for it and he needs to support you as well as bil. He owes you a massive apology. But, yes this can be done calmly and assertively tonight, from a position of understanding why bil is feeling threatened and why dh reacted as inappropriaely as he did.

Good luck tonight. Hopefully Dh will have had time to reflect on bil1's words and will accept he needs to support his wife and not enable bil2.

Thanks
Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 17:25

It's not going to work unless you h is on your side. From where I am seeing it, BIL1 is the decent man in all this, not h allowing you to be spoken to like that, op it's appealing and then getting all stroppy and going after BIL2, instead of with his pregnant wife. Good luck with the talk op, I hope you get the outcomes you need.

PenelopePitstops · 28/08/2015 17:26

Wow BIL1 is amazing! Is he single?!

Hope your DH sees sense after his conversation. Sounds like he is ultra protective of bil 2, slightly understandably, but his loyalties now lie with you.

NicoleWatterson · 28/08/2015 17:31

BIL1 sounds truly lovely and the only one of the brothers with sense.

I can see why your husband is worried about pushing his brother over the edge, but theres no way he should allow anyone to speak to you like that, let alone someone who is helping bring up his daughter.

I think your husband needs to make a stand and say BIL2 is not welcome until he apologises and realises he can't make these comments. If he finds you so lazy and abhorrent, why does he spend the weekends in your company? Why is he happy for you to help raise his daughter?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/08/2015 17:33

BIL2 is beyond rude I am sorry your DH lets that behaviour go unchallenged.

He (BIL2) may have issues trusting the women he meets since his experience with his late ex gf but it doesn't give him a right to insult you. If he is secretly worried his bio DD will somehow be sidelined by the new baby and is trying to intimidate you away he is going entirely the wrong way about not rocking the boat for her.

When you discuss this with DH this evening don't give him the impression that you previously resented the support he gave his middle brother. But you should be accorded simple respect. It is important DH grasps this asap and shifts his priorities otherwise I don't think BIL2 will stop when you come home from hospital, newborn in arms.

Glad BIL1 spoke to DH. It helps to have a supporter.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 28/08/2015 17:34

op don't get pulled in to sympathising with your Dh just because he is a 'decent bloke' . A decent bloke would have kicked his brother out for talking to his wife the way he has allowed his db too.

Do have sympathy, but don't let him continue, 2 people he deeply cares for are pulling him in 2 directions, he didn't handle it very well, but then he is human and we all make mistakes.

When you are having a rational conversation this evening ask how he would handle it if his neice started talking to his new child that way (so 2 people he equally cares for, a friend is easier because it is uneven loyalties) how would he handle that?

I also bet BIl is worried his daughter will get returned to him with the advent of a bio child to care for.

Atenco · 28/08/2015 17:45

Wow BIL1 is amazing! Is he single?!

This

Rarity08 · 28/08/2015 17:55

Is Bil1 single
Not for long Grin

emotionsecho · 28/08/2015 17:55

I hope you can have a calm discussion too. You should be your dh's number one you should come first and he should back you up and support you, not his brother whatever the circumstances of his brother. Would he allow his brother to speak to a child of his the way he speaks to you?

Your dh probably needs help to put the responsibility he feels for his brother and his concerns for him into perspective.

steff13 · 28/08/2015 17:58

Wow BIL1 is amazing! Is he single?!

My thinking throughout reading this is that OP picked the wrong brother.

grapejuicerocks · 28/08/2015 18:01

Your dh probably needs help to put the responsibility he feels for his brother and his concerns for him, into perspective.

This

lorelai222 · 28/08/2015 18:03

BIL2 is nasty but the most hurtful thing is DH not having your back OP. I hope he realises how unkind he has been to let you be treated in that way and to expect you just to put up with it. If this was me i would let DH know that the relationship is on the line. Is he your birth partner?

HelenaDove · 28/08/2015 18:05

steff i thought about posting exactly the same thing on page 2

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 28/08/2015 18:07

Good luck in your talk with your DH, OP. In your position I'd be asking exactly why he thinks, whatever issues BIL2 may have, he, and apparently DH think it okay to use you as his verbal punching bag. And why, even if BIL2's mental health is at risk, the mitigation of that risk should come at the expense of your emotional wellbeing. In a nutshell, why are you worth less than BIL2?

HelenaDove · 28/08/2015 18:10

"why are you worth less than BIL2?"

I think a lot of us reading this thread know the answer to that already

queenofthishouse · 28/08/2015 18:17

sera I agree with your whole post.

helena yes, quite.