is BIL hurtful and DH is allowing it

[bellheart]

Namechanged for this

Sorry there is a lot of background to this one but I will try and keep it short.
My DH has 2 older brothers, BIL1 is the oldest he has a son and they both live with us. His wife (mother to his son) died 6 years ago.
BIL2 is the middle brother. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend, the ex left him and the daughter for another man and then she passed away. BIL2 struggled with this and turned to drink and drugs. So DH adopted the daughter just before we met and he has raised her as his own. We both now refer to her as our DD and she calls us mum and dad but she does know that we aren't really her parents.

Now BIL2 has been clean for a couple of years. He comes and visits us every weekend. He doesn't do anything with his daughter alone as he doesn't want to. He mostly comes to play video games either With his brothers or by himself. DD refers to him as uncle first name but she does know that he is her father.

So to the point. I am just over 8 months pregnant. We have been trying for years and had to suffer a couple of miscarriages so this baby feels like a dream come true. However it has been far from easy plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

BIL2 keeps making stupid comments since I became pregnant it started off sounding more like jokes at first but since then he has become more and more offensive.
He says things like, God your looking fat today did you shallow a whale oh no wait just a monster. He also says that I planned to lose my job so DH would have to support us and calling me lazy and if I am eating he laughs and says oh God eating for two AGAIN.
This upsets me and I have brought it up with DH but he shrugs it off and says it's just BIL2 joking and I shouldn't take it to heart. When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones.

So it all came to a head for me tonight. We were having dinner and BIL2 came round to borrow something. I asked of anyone wanted a dessert and BIL2 said haha surprised you haven't eaten them all. I ignored him and carried on. DH started clearing the table and he asked why I wasn't doing it. I said it was DHs turn and he said oh I thought it was the baby making you lazy again. I laughed it off and we carried on.

Then we were all sitting watching tv and I was sitting on a cushion and I had a hot water bottle because my back hurts and it makes the pain slightly better which BIL2 knows because DH explained it too him a while ago. He looked at me and said God your so lazy you can't even sit by yourself. I told him to stop it now as we were trying to listen to the tv and wind down for the night.

I went into the kitchen with BIL1 to sort some financial stuff out and BIL2 followed us and said oh are you getting another snack. I said no we were sorting some bills out.
He said well you know if you keep lazing around all the time you will probably make the baby fat and that could kill it.
I lost it and called him a dick. He got really defensive saying that I was being a hormonal cow bag and he thinks I am using his brother.

BIL 2 then stormed out so DH came to see what happened. I explained to him and he didn't say anything to me he just ran out after BIL 2.
I was upset and BIL 1 was really nice and sorted the kids and made sure I was okay.

DH eventually came home and he said that he was upset with me for upsetting his brother as I might push him over the edge. I said I was really upset by his brothers behaviour and his comments were really horrible and untrue. DH seems to think that because it's untrue I should take it as a joke. I said I didn't find it funny and DH said it was probably just my hormones.

I have gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa because I am really upset with both of them.

So am I being unreasonable and should I just take it as a joke, or are they being unreasonable.

That's awful!! And it's clear that he is very jealous of your relationship with DH. So pleased you have now got DH's support and understanding. Agree that DB1 needs to be fully told.

Bloody hell! I very much hope that this doesn't get minimised today. Your dh and bil1 need to understand that bil2 is no longer welcome in your home. You must be careful not to be the one pushed out. It may end up being suggested that you be out when bil2 wants to visit. That isn't a solution, that's giving bil2 what he wants and reinforcing that he was right to threaten you like that.

I am so sorry you went through this. I would be tempted to log this with the police if there was any suggestion that dh and bil1 were not showing a united front with you. A restraining order is always an option.

Oh no. But I agree with everything Misc said, she is very wise. In the past BIL2 got the results he wanted with this behaviour, and now can't understand why he isn't being rewarded. I would suggest you tell DH what Misc said, or let him read the thread if he knows you've been posting about the situation on here. Either way, it's an important point that needs to be made.

I also agree with what FuckYou said about you going out when BIL2 is visiting.

There is lots of very excellent advice being given here!

I hope you all enjoy your day out today despite everything.

That sounds like it was awful op, but if it was going to happen anyway then I'm really glad that your DH saw it for himself. I doubt that any number of reported incidents would have been taken quite as seriously as a viewed one.

BIL2 does sound unpredictable and potentially dangerous. Please tread carefully (and keep close to your baby when he/she is born).

It certainly won't be minimised, but it's easy to see the reasoning behind it, as misc has explained.

Bil's behaviour is like that of a child. Something that has always worked, now doesn't. So his response is to up the ante. Just like a child would.
He seems to have no emotional maturity at all, no concern for anyone other than himself. It's such as shame that it has backfired and he has achieved the opposite to what he wanted.

Good on dh for coming round and supporting you. But you have many problems ahead. At the moment his reaction is fuelled by anger. Soon other feelings will creep in, especially guilt and doubt that he did the right thing. Hopefully your long talk the other night has really got him to realise that now those boundaries have been set, they need to be kept. In an ideal world you will all have nothing to do with him. I suspect it will be impossible for dh to abandon him.

I suggest that dh talks to him when he calms down, reiterates in the strongest terms that things are going to stay changed and that either bil accepts this is how it will be or he will be banned from the house. This includes respect for you, both in and out of dh's presence. This is his one and only chance to be included as before.

If things don't work out and I suspect bil can't actually change Dh can continue to see him on his own, at his place, if he really can't cut ties and abandon him. Don't hesitate to involve the police if you feel concerned for your safety.

Whatever you do, don't let dh minimise this.

I agree with grape, yes if dh wants to see his brother, it has to be away from the home, whatever the reasons behind it, BIL behaviour is unacceptable, and has stepped up to more threatening and aggressive behaviour. He sounds extremely dangerous.

OP BIL2's behaviour is not compatible with someone who is living a clean and sober life. Don't be surprised if he picks up (drink or drugs) very soon. That way he can blame DH and you. Which is classic behavior from an addict.

Perhaps bil1 and dh can talk to bil2 together, as a united front? They need to be supporting each other now.

I agree hepzibah, I wouldent be surprised regarding BIL2 current behaviour, whether he is back on drugs, it's very erratic and irrational, as well as abusive.

I am so sorry op. I hope that you can now get the support that you need from your DH.

grape Can't believe you are suggesting her DH gives this man yet another chance.

I wouldn't be surprised if hep is right. Bil will blame everyone but himself and could indeed revert back to using drugs and drink to "punish" dh.

But if this happens, it is bil's2 choice. Dh needs to understand that he is not responsible for the choices others make. He can be there for him, without condoning or accepting unreasonable behaviour.
Dh is in a horrible situation. I'm sure you can support him op, without backing down from your own position. Dh is going to need it.

Lulu He shouldn't of course, but I suspect he will. It's unlikely that he can change his feelings as easily as that. There is a very complex parent/child dynamic going on here.

How awful op. It is clear now that BIL2 doesn't just want you out of the picture, he is wishing you and your baby come to harm. If you took his addiction problems away he would still be a vile and hateful person. Keep yourself safe.

I think BIL2 is really resentful of your life. You are successfully bringing up his daughter, and whilst he probably thought that you couldn't have any Dcs of your own you are now having a child of your own, you are in a happy relationship etc etc...he is mightily resentful and jealous.

For your own peace of mind I would not allow him in the house after the threats, he sounds a bit unstable to me.

So BiL2 swapped his addiction to drugs to using your DH as a way of not dealing with anything. Now he can't because DH's eyes have been well and truly opened by him and he's blaming you. He's 'pleasant' Move on with your lives, don't let the fuckwit back in.

YouAreGoingToHaveAGreatTimeWithoutTheIdiotTiggaxx

I agree with grape and misc

He shouldnt deserve a chance at all but IME her DH
will struggle to cut him off at at this early stage after the initial adrenalin as run down. He has always been seen as the vunerable one and probably treated with kid gloves. Although it looks like bil2 can see what a piece of work bil1 can be.

There is also access to sort out regarding dd. I think once Dh has calmed down he needs to go see BIL and ask him not to come to the house for a while and he can see dd and himself away from you. He needs to be told that this is his last chance and he has a lot of making up to do, which will happen at op pace.

It's all very well expecting someone to just cut of a member of their family especially if they have been manipulated for a long time. IME it has to be done in stages.

What a mess. My instinct , along with others is to blow my top, get them all by the throat and shake vigourously whilst shoutimg insults. but what you really need is a way to calm it all down, reclaim your home ready for your baby, and reclaim your marriage so that you can enjoy the long awaited baby. So, with that in mind,

• talk calmly to BIl2 alone. Replay to him clearly and calmly the things he said that made you unhappy, and how they made you feel. Explain that the baby is important to you and DH and that you are sure he understands the need for happiness and togetherness in the family at this time. Ask him outright 'how do you feel about (his daughter) and the new baby, are you worried that it will affect her?' This might help him to express what's really going on in his head- or to acknowledge that thee is something going on there (I'm pretty sure of it). Reassure him that his DD will still be loved and cared for and that it will enrich her life to have another child in the house. Likely with his track record he's unable to express these types of anxieties In an adult fashion, so help him to do that. He might not be able to though and you will need to stay firm in setting out an acceptable level of behaviour from him In Your house. It is your house after all and if anyone is leaving it should be him. Yes, he's behaving like an arsehole, and no you shouldn't have to be his bloody counsellor, but being the bigger person and only adult in the room is likely to pay dividends,
• talk to DH and explain again that a) what BIl2 said, and how it made you feel. B) That you expect him to put you and the baby first now. And that you expect him to support you first against all others. C) And that you understand how generous he is with his support and love of his siblings, but that now is the time for the two of you. Tell him how you envisage the next few months, and the coming of the baby. I hope that you have a lovely happy picture of your new human, in tiny clothes, all beautiful, a tiny piece of each of you. It's one of the most amazing romantic things you can ever do together. Tell him how you want it to be, tell him that this shit will tarnish it for you both, tell him that you have once chance to get it right. Help him to see how important this is for both of you, together. The rest should fall into place in terms of DH prioritising you and the baby.

It's fucking irritating that you should have to do this, but you need to take control. Your house, your baby, your family. Reclaim it.

You cannot stop your dh having a relationship with his brother, but you can set strict boundaries regarding the way you are to be treated by him, and not allowing him in the house or near it. Yes he may be resentful, he may be jealous, but they provide an explanation of this behaviour, not an excuse for it!

I agree aeroflot

And aqua the lot of making up and at the ops pace also correct.

The counselling bil2 idea from ashbee is also interesting. I'm not sure about the op talking to bil2 on her own though. I don't think that's a good idea. There is too much resentment towards the op. Maybe dh and bil1 can try to get bil2 to understand that the new baby won't pose a threat etc.

Stop pussyfooting around BIL2, he is a grown adult responsible for himself and his actions. Why on earth should op talk to bil2, I would not want to go anywhere near him let alone talk to him. Yes BIL1 and dh can talk to him, but I don't think it will work somehow.

OP you have been as understanding as hell up to now. But you have to put your safety first now. Enough is enough. You should not be alone with BIL2 now that he has put his hands on you. Keep your phone with you at all times. DH must make it clear that the police will be called if BIL2 turns up at the house. It sounds like he knows your household routines and the times that you may be alone. He's started something and intends to finish it.

'explain the baby is important to you and DH '????? Expecting the op to even talk to this atse wipecagain is beyong the pail - let alone all this type of shit. This is how you talk to a todller expecting a new siblin - mot a drug addict who has abused you and who possibly has the potential for real violance.

I agree, Norway should you be alone with this aggressive and abusive individual, let alone talk to him, will make him more aggressive, and put op in a very vulnerable position. He is to go nowhere near op and her children, or the house, whether op is there or not. Op dh should be taking this extremely seriously, and keep supporting his wife in all this. It certainly sounds as though bil2 is back on drink and drugs, all the more not to have this aggressive, volatile and abusive individual near you.

asheebee op talk to BIL alone, after what he did and said to her , are you mad! Op is in danger of him and should go nowhere neR him, let alone talk to him alone. Judging by his aggressive and abusive behaviour, that will further enrage him, and make him more volatile, not help at all!