is BIL hurtful and DH is allowing it

[bellheart]

Namechanged for this

Sorry there is a lot of background to this one but I will try and keep it short.
My DH has 2 older brothers, BIL1 is the oldest he has a son and they both live with us. His wife (mother to his son) died 6 years ago.
BIL2 is the middle brother. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend, the ex left him and the daughter for another man and then she passed away. BIL2 struggled with this and turned to drink and drugs. So DH adopted the daughter just before we met and he has raised her as his own. We both now refer to her as our DD and she calls us mum and dad but she does know that we aren't really her parents.

Now BIL2 has been clean for a couple of years. He comes and visits us every weekend. He doesn't do anything with his daughter alone as he doesn't want to. He mostly comes to play video games either With his brothers or by himself. DD refers to him as uncle first name but she does know that he is her father.

So to the point. I am just over 8 months pregnant. We have been trying for years and had to suffer a couple of miscarriages so this baby feels like a dream come true. However it has been far from easy plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

BIL2 keeps making stupid comments since I became pregnant it started off sounding more like jokes at first but since then he has become more and more offensive.
He says things like, God your looking fat today did you shallow a whale oh no wait just a monster. He also says that I planned to lose my job so DH would have to support us and calling me lazy and if I am eating he laughs and says oh God eating for two AGAIN.
This upsets me and I have brought it up with DH but he shrugs it off and says it's just BIL2 joking and I shouldn't take it to heart. When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones.

So it all came to a head for me tonight. We were having dinner and BIL2 came round to borrow something. I asked of anyone wanted a dessert and BIL2 said haha surprised you haven't eaten them all. I ignored him and carried on. DH started clearing the table and he asked why I wasn't doing it. I said it was DHs turn and he said oh I thought it was the baby making you lazy again. I laughed it off and we carried on.

Then we were all sitting watching tv and I was sitting on a cushion and I had a hot water bottle because my back hurts and it makes the pain slightly better which BIL2 knows because DH explained it too him a while ago. He looked at me and said God your so lazy you can't even sit by yourself. I told him to stop it now as we were trying to listen to the tv and wind down for the night.

I went into the kitchen with BIL1 to sort some financial stuff out and BIL2 followed us and said oh are you getting another snack. I said no we were sorting some bills out.
He said well you know if you keep lazing around all the time you will probably make the baby fat and that could kill it.
I lost it and called him a dick. He got really defensive saying that I was being a hormonal cow bag and he thinks I am using his brother.

BIL 2 then stormed out so DH came to see what happened. I explained to him and he didn't say anything to me he just ran out after BIL 2.
I was upset and BIL 1 was really nice and sorted the kids and made sure I was okay.

DH eventually came home and he said that he was upset with me for upsetting his brother as I might push him over the edge. I said I was really upset by his brothers behaviour and his comments were really horrible and untrue. DH seems to think that because it's untrue I should take it as a joke. I said I didn't find it funny and DH said it was probably just my hormones.

I have gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa because I am really upset with both of them.

So am I being unreasonable and should I just take it as a joke, or are they being unreasonable.

Yanbu, BIL is a rude, insensitive twat and DH should stick up for you.

You deserve better,op. Hope you achieve that.

YANBU!!

Congratulations on your pregnancy

BIL1 seems like a sensible man. Perhaps it would help asking him to speak to your DH to help him better understand some of your expectations of him as a supportive husband.

for the situation with BIL2 and your DH's attitude towards how he is to be treated. I can understand this as the youngest in our family is alcohol-dependent and DM often treats her in the same way as your DH.

You Need to be assertive. Sooner rather than later. This unacceptable behaviour from BIL2 and DH Will simply carry on after your baby arrives. And you Will snap. It's a lot better for your own sanity to make it clear just how unacceptable this behaviour is from both your BIL2 and DH. BIL2 can stay away from your house until he can behave as a mature adult.

The next comment he makes should be met with "Did you mean to offend me with that?". Said enough times, it should hopefully make something 'click' for him.

I could try asking BIL1 to speak to DH.
BIL 1 tried to tell DH that BIL 2 was the one who was in the wrong but DH ignored him and went after BIL 2 anyway.

Your BIL2 sounds like an absolute arsehole. How dare he? After you have taken on his daughter to bring her up with love and stability (he sounds like a dreadful father) he should be kissing your feet, not insulting you! He is an absolute waste of space. And why didn't your DH stick up for you??

I wouldn't be having him round the house if I were you, although this would obviously be difficult, given your DH's attitude.

Why not write out a letter explaining your feelings about it all to DH? And maybe one to BIL2 as well, though he is probably too thick skinned/ just generally thick to understand. BIL's behaviour to you is just unacceptable, and your DH is enabling him.

what everyone else has said better than I could for your pregnancy. PLEASE don't accept "you are hormonal" as an excuse to belittle you!

BIL2 is an arsewipe. Your DH isn't much better.

None of that was at all funny. Nothing to do with being hormonal. It just wasn't.

Read the riot act to your DH. Don't back down. Refuse to be in the same house when BIL2 is around. Better still, ban BIL2 from your home. He sounds like a feckless twat anyway.

You are not being hormonal.
I can understand your dh feeling responsible for his brother and not wanting to lose him or push him towards drugs again, but when is enough enough?
You are raising his daughter taking all the responsibility away from bil and your dh is allowing his brother to Abuse you!
No, it is not right.
Your dh is in a difficult place but he needs to see that he can't keep letting his brother abuse you like this.
You two are doing more than enough for his brother!
Would he allow his brother to have a laugh at his childs expense?
His brother needs to grow up.
Seems like he's been allowed to get away with everything and been excused for too long.

You need to pack a bag and go stay some where else. Seriously.

Regardless if BIL is on the edge/worried for his dd (bit too fucking late now) or having s joke -,he is bullying you AND your DH is letting him do it.

Do you want your child to grow up seeing you treated like a piece of shit? How healthy will it be for them to see two grown men disrespect its mother?

This needs dealing with now or you need you need to walk away. It will not get better. Maybe you leaving will be the jolt your 'd' h needs to see you are not a piece of shit and joking about killing your baby is not fucking funny.

Your BIL is following you from room to room harrassing you and your 'd' h is not protecting you- what a fine husbsnd he turned out to be.

I'm furious on your behalf

I think the dynamic is weird because I was thinking, "I would tell BIL2 to fuck off out of my house and never darken my door again" but I think because BIL1 and his son and DH and his DD all live there it may feel more like their family home than yours. Nevertheless, BIL2 doesn't get a pass in case he starts using again and becomes even more of a shit. It's not like he's Father Of The Year now so what's the loss? A gaming buddy?

Fuckers.

Wow. I'm shocked. YANBU AT ALL! What horrible behaviour from your BIL and compounded no doubt by your DH's inability to stick up for you.

You have been more than accommodating towards his family - in fact, "accommodating" barely covers it when you have adopted a child and have one other and a BIL living with you. You deserve respect, if not a medal.

I know someone who has this with his brother. Their parents marriage broke down and he was left looking after younger brother, almost like a father figure. And the younger brother knows it - takes the piss, is rude to his wife, their parents (who are now together), using emotional blackmail (you love DB1 more then me). And the DB1 lets it slide as if he's wearing blinkers. If anyone criticises the DB2, he gets very angry and storms off. It's very dysfunctional and you shouldn't have to deal with it whilst you're supposed to be in a loving relationship. But it does sound like BIL1 is of some support to you.

It sounds like your DH has assumed the overprotective position with his brother. He was the younger brother but adopted his older siblings child. He's probably worried that dick BIL will slip and get back into drugs. Is he self sufficient and earning money? Can he actually look after himself or does he rely on others to do this for him? Because is sounds like he hasn't had to stand on his own two feet at all and is resentful of others who can. Sorry to say but if he's like my friends DB, he may have had a simmering resentment of you for years, despite the important role you have in his biological child's life. You're pregnancy is the catalyst for this.

I hope your DH calms down soon and talks about it, not just hoping to brush is aside as if it never happened. Ditch the game systems and have a good rest of your pregnancy. And yes, ban him from the house for the next two months or so if you can as if is clear he can not respect you or your wishes. The last thing you need is a sullen toddler man making remarks and lying around playing GTA4 whilst you're on minimum sleep feeding a newborn.

This is awful OP, to be honest I think you were very restrained. What an absolute cunt (don't have call to use that word often!) and a bully trying to get a reaction from you then act ljke you're unreasonable for reacting. I think this man truly hates women. And your husband isn't supportive at all. He should be horrified at what BIL is saying to the woman he is he supposed to love!

I only want to add, that your DH needs to go and learn about drug addiction. Because it sounds more like he is enabling his brother, rather than helping him.

People who are addicts are not helped by not having to face the consequences of their actions. Your DH needs to learn: "He didn't cause this, he can't stop it, and he can't cure it".

Look up co-dependency.

These comments are not jokes. They are said to belittle and hurt you. Who says to a pregnant woman, "eat more and you'll kill your baby"?!

Your BIL is vile and you don't deserve his behaviour.

Your dh is letting you and his unborn child down enormously. He's prioritising his brother over you and the baby :( something needs to change. You will feel vulnerable after the baby is born, and need to feel supported, not insulted and ridiculed.

I really hope dh comes to his senses before he loses his family

When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones. is the male chauvenist bully's excuse.

I was pregnant when I did my SW placement at a drop in for drug addicts, most were clean, and never had any of them say anythign like that to me. So it's not the drugs, it's him being a dick.

I wonder if BIL feels as if you are taking his brother away? He knows that his brother's priorities are about to change and he is trying to prevent it by putting you in your place.

Ok let's look at this from another angle.

Dh is obviously worried about bil2 reverting to his former ways. He's obviously a caring man as he's spent his life supporting both bils. He sees his wife a a strong woman who supports him in his caring role. He knows there is no truth in what bil2 is saying and he over reacted.

Op blew her top. Now while we see this as totally understandable. I can see why dh reacted the way he did. He didn't do it from a mean abusive position. He now needs to understand why his reaction was inappropriate.

The op got fed up of being needled. Fair enough. But perhaps it should have been sorted in a more calm and assertive way rather than culminating in the way it did. Op, with the support of bil1, needs to get dh to see that if he had supported her in the beginning and put a stop to it after the first few comments, it wouldn't have got to the point it did.

Just because bil2 had problems in the past, does not mean bad behaviour should be enabled now. Dh needs to see this. He owes an apology to op but he needs to be tacked with understanding that he reacted with good intentions, even if they were inappropriate. Essentially it seems as if he is a good man. Just needs to realise where to draw the line and support his wife as well as his bils.

Oh and congratulations op on the baby

I wonder if BIL feels as if you are taking his brother away? He knows that his brother's priorities are about to change and he is trying to prevent it by putting you in your place.

And yes, I think this is the reason behind it. Help dh see this too.

I don't think she she was being 'needled' - I think she was being bullied, provoked, disrespected. Needled implies being irritated - I think this is a bit more than that grape

Having a 'joke' she is going to kill her baby isn't 'needling' - it's dam right disgusting and abhorrent, so no - I don't think we should look at it from her poor DH point of view. I think we should look at it from OP point of view, after all she is the one that posted looking for support, the one that is getting treated like shit and the one having 'jokes' made about killing her baby.

I think on this occation the 'menz' can get to the back of the queue regarding understanding and empathy - don't you??

op start looking after and sticking up for yourself even if your Dh can't manage it.

That is terrible behaviour from BIL2 & should not be tolerated - BIL1 sounds supportive so enlist his help in explaining to DH that is isn't on. It seems to me that you are more than tolerant in agreeing to the current arrangements, the others need to be respectful & considerate to you too.

I've been thinking about this today, and I find it really strange that you raise bils child as your own to the point she calls you mum and yet he is making a bee line for you to make you unhappy/ belittled.

It could be down I the fact he is insecure about his dd and the in coming baby OR it could be the fact he is deeply unpleasant and this is the way he actually treats vunerable women. How wasbe with you before you were pregnant?

You are so far away from BU the line isn't even on the horizon!
Having adopted your husband's niece and living with ur bil and his child whilst expecting!
Contrary to what some posters have said I don't think your H is spineless or a knob. It does come across as though you've always been each other's rock.
Stop sleeping on the couch for a start, speak to both your H and bil 1 separately and both together. Detach from bil 2, it sounds too chaotic for you to deal with not least because you're currently expecting.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

grape your post is victim blaming. In fact its the second post of this nature ive seen on a thread in less than 24 hours.

OP your BIL is disgusting. Its a good job that you brought his daughter up as she seems to have a misogynist for a father. Hes a vile bully who is shit scared that hes going to have to take some responsibility now that you have a baby on the way.

helena it's not victim blaming, it's helping to understand the BIL's motivations. No one's saying it's ok but understanding WHY he's doing this may help the DH understand that it's a real thing coming from a real place, NOT the OP's "hormones".