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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is BIL hurtful and DH is allowing it

216 replies

bellheart · 27/08/2015 21:41

Namechanged for this

Sorry there is a lot of background to this one but I will try and keep it short.
My DH has 2 older brothers, BIL1 is the oldest he has a son and they both live with us. His wife (mother to his son) died 6 years ago.
BIL2 is the middle brother. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend, the ex left him and the daughter for another man and then she passed away. BIL2 struggled with this and turned to drink and drugs. So DH adopted the daughter just before we met and he has raised her as his own. We both now refer to her as our DD and she calls us mum and dad but she does know that we aren't really her parents.

Now BIL2 has been clean for a couple of years. He comes and visits us every weekend. He doesn't do anything with his daughter alone as he doesn't want to. He mostly comes to play video games either With his brothers or by himself. DD refers to him as uncle first name but she does know that he is her father.

So to the point. I am just over 8 months pregnant. We have been trying for years and had to suffer a couple of miscarriages so this baby feels like a dream come true. However it has been far from easy plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

BIL2 keeps making stupid comments since I became pregnant it started off sounding more like jokes at first but since then he has become more and more offensive.
He says things like, God your looking fat today did you shallow a whale oh no wait just a monster. He also says that I planned to lose my job so DH would have to support us and calling me lazy and if I am eating he laughs and says oh God eating for two AGAIN.
This upsets me and I have brought it up with DH but he shrugs it off and says it's just BIL2 joking and I shouldn't take it to heart. When I mention it to BIL 2 he just says it's my hormones.

So it all came to a head for me tonight. We were having dinner and BIL2 came round to borrow something. I asked of anyone wanted a dessert and BIL2 said haha surprised you haven't eaten them all. I ignored him and carried on. DH started clearing the table and he asked why I wasn't doing it. I said it was DHs turn and he said oh I thought it was the baby making you lazy again. I laughed it off and we carried on.

Then we were all sitting watching tv and I was sitting on a cushion and I had a hot water bottle because my back hurts and it makes the pain slightly better which BIL2 knows because DH explained it too him a while ago. He looked at me and said God your so lazy you can't even sit by yourself. I told him to stop it now as we were trying to listen to the tv and wind down for the night.

I went into the kitchen with BIL1 to sort some financial stuff out and BIL2 followed us and said oh are you getting another snack. I said no we were sorting some bills out.
He said well you know if you keep lazing around all the time you will probably make the baby fat and that could kill it.
I lost it and called him a dick. He got really defensive saying that I was being a hormonal cow bag and he thinks I am using his brother.

BIL 2 then stormed out so DH came to see what happened. I explained to him and he didn't say anything to me he just ran out after BIL 2.
I was upset and BIL 1 was really nice and sorted the kids and made sure I was okay.

DH eventually came home and he said that he was upset with me for upsetting his brother as I might push him over the edge. I said I was really upset by his brothers behaviour and his comments were really horrible and untrue. DH seems to think that because it's untrue I should take it as a joke. I said I didn't find it funny and DH said it was probably just my hormones.

I have gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa because I am really upset with both of them.

So am I being unreasonable and should I just take it as a joke, or are they being unreasonable.

OP posts:

grapejuicerocks · 28/08/2015 18:20

Really Helena ?

I think dh has a lot of respect for op. He sees her as a really strong woman and knows there is no truth in bils words. He mistakenly and stupidly thinks that by both of them ignoring the behaviour, it will smooth things over and bil won't be set back in his mental health. He doesn't want to rock the boat due to fear.

This is not the same as thinking the op is worth less than the bil.

He does need to realise that it isnt the right way to approach things but i really don't think he has no respect for the op.

Gymbunny1204 · 28/08/2015 18:21

I'm another one who thought fuck the pair of them off and run away with BIL1 .

HelenaDove · 28/08/2015 18:23

grape it was Sera who said that I was just agreeing with her. Which leads me to ask Are you sure you are reading this thread properly?

Jux · 28/08/2015 18:23

Good luck, this evening. Hope your dh pulls his socks up.

Aridane · 28/08/2015 18:23

Grape - some very insightful and measured posts.

HelenaDove · 28/08/2015 18:26

grape if i was the OP not only would i feel disrespected by the pair of them, but after bringing up BILs daughter i would be feeling used as well.

PegsPigs · 28/08/2015 18:28

Sounds like BIL1 has got your back. What great support. Perhaps you could ask DH to behave more like him?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2015 18:31

Bil2 certainly has a hold over your DH and I hope that you and Bil1 can make him understand just how far off the mark his behaviour is in choosing not to support you

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 18:33

grape op needs to hear that off her h, he needs to support her, nit his brother. It is hurting op, hence her posting on here, how could he gear his wife being spoken to like that, and do absolutely nothing, not only that, run after his brother, when he should be running after his wife. The only decent person in this, is BIL1, I hope op h ties a big leaf out if his book.

queenofthishouse · 28/08/2015 18:41

Yes I can see Dh not wanting to rock the boat for 'poor' BIL but throwing op under the bus is not on. I'd be very hurt indeed if my Dh did not have an instinctual response to pull his brother over shit like this.

When he came down stairs he said 'don't be mad at me' he should have been saying saying 'I'm sorry I fucked up' . Even after speaking with BIL1 he still didn't see it was worth pulling BIL2 over. Op is good enough to raise BIL2 dd and have his own bio child with but apparently not good enough to tell his own brother to quit his shit.

I really think op should look at this situation with fresh eyes

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 18:44

No op h is not respecting her, letting BIL speak to her like that, supporting BIL, downplaying op feelings, making it out she is wrong, the list goes on.

maddy68 · 28/08/2015 18:50

Yes your doh acted a bit of dck but he's stuck in the middle. The bills comments were hurtful but I do think you're hormonal and taking this to heart,whereas I'm sure normally his comments would have been met with an eye roll.
Fat jokes are tiresome when you're pregnant at best but he probably didn't mean anything by it. It sounds as if you are all close despite the bil issues and I think your dh has just tried to smooth the waters

I think you probably are hormonal and overreacted however hormones make the upset very real and your dh was a dick not to realise this. It sounds as if he does now realise

A bit of forgiveness might not go astray

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 18:54

maddy the comments are nasty and unacceptable, I am not pregnant, I would find them insulting. There is only so much eye rolling you can do before it starts to hurt. Of course op is not being U, her feelings are perfectly valid, she is entitled to feel that way, her h should have her back.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 18:55

Please don't downplay those nasty abusive comments.

Atenco · 28/08/2015 18:57

I definitely do NOT think you overreacted? Slagging off is only ok if both parties enjoy it, BIL2 was just being nasty.

Your dh let you down massively, but you do not refer to other problems with him, so I hope you can get through to him. Maybe he does need to join Al-Anon because he isn't even helping the nasty brother with his attitude, though frankly, BIL2 does sound like an absolute waste of space.

HelenaDove · 28/08/2015 18:57

maddy im not pregnant and reading this im angry at the OPs BIL and DH.

Why are women always expected to put up with behaviour like this accomodate it AND micro manage it just because we have vaginas. Ridiculous just for the sake of Having A Man

NadiaWadia · 28/08/2015 18:57

I think it's beyond 'fat jokes' maddy. (And even that would be inappropriate on it's own). Did you not notice where BIL2 accused OP of taking advantage of his brother? When he's been quite happy to allow her to bring up his DD.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 19:02

The one about op making the baby fat and going to kill it, is disturbing and disgusting, no joke.

HelenaDove · 28/08/2015 19:04

And fucking hypocritical coming from someone whose problems with drink and drugs affected his caring for his own child.

maddy68 · 28/08/2015 19:09

I'm not saying it's ok?
Of course it's hurtful. Re read what I posted.

The bil sounds like every addict I have ever met, self absorbed and actually a bit mind fucked
But I think where's normally without the hormones the op would gave stuck it to him and handled the situation she became emotional due to hormones

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2015 19:10

Fat jokes are tiresome when you're pregnant at best but he probably didn't mean anything by it

See, I'm not convinced. The way op is writing it, he comes across as jealous. maybe of op's relationship with DH? That or he's a misogynistic knob and has an issue with women in general.

steff13 · 28/08/2015 19:14

Please don't downplay those nasty abusive comments.

This^^ He didn't just make fat jokes, although those are bad enough. He called her a hormonal cow bag and accused her of using his brother. He implied that her "extreme" behavior - you know, eating - might harm her baby. That's more than just banter, and I think if the husband respected the OP, he would have corrected him.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 28/08/2015 19:18

"It's just banter!"
"I don't/he doesn't mean anything by it"
"You're over-reacting"
"You're just being hormonal"

The same old shit women (pregnant or not) hear over and over again as men try to justify their constant barrage of verbal abuse against us. We're expected to keep quiet and suck it up, in a best-case scenario to keep the peace, in a worst-case scenario to prevent the verbal abuse from becoming physical.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2015 19:18

she became emotional due to hormones

Really. No.

I thought she was quite restrained. It actually pisses me off when some one's reactions are dismissed as 'hormones'. Op has a right to basic respect in her own home. Doubly so after she has politely asked for it to stop.

HelenaDove · 28/08/2015 19:26

YY Sera I wonder if the OP could get away with accusing the BIL of overreacting if he had objected to druggie jokes she had made.

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