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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To let DS invite whole class bar 3 children

215 replies

PhoebeMcPeePee · 27/06/2015 23:36

We've agreed that DS can have a disco for his 10th birthday and he wants the whole class except for 3 children Hmm. Tbh I don't blame him for wanting to exclude them as they are a total PITA and have made his (& many of his friends) lives a misery for the past 5 years of school BUT it just doesn't feel right excluding such a small number. If he were much younger I would say no, they either all come or we have the usual small number but is it fair to veto the entire idea just because of their behaviour. WWYD?

OP posts:
TheHouseOnBellSt · 27/06/2015 23:37

I could not do it myself.

ChillySundays · 27/06/2015 23:39

I couldn't

JohnCusacksWife · 27/06/2015 23:40

Groundhog day....

All but 3 is mean and unfair, IMO.

MissBananaMama · 27/06/2015 23:42

Id invite them all. You can't exclude 3 kids it's quite cruel

meglet · 27/06/2015 23:44

invite all. excluding 3 is harsh.

WorraLiberty · 27/06/2015 23:44

A smaller number of his real friends is fair I think.

No kid is friends with the whole class (not truly) so there's no need to invite them all.

Having said that I'm a firm believer that by 10yrs old, kids should learn that if their behaviour is constantly unacceptable, they need to accept they will be excluded from parties. No-one owes them an invite.

But I think this 'whole class party' thing is pretty shallow anyway. It was much easier before it became a 'thing'. Kids just invited their close friends and family.

pitterpattar · 27/06/2015 23:44

Yabu

Invite them all. If the boys don't like him they won't come.

Or have a small party with a few friends.

reni1 · 27/06/2015 23:46

I'd say no unless we are talking about serious bullying or relentless violence. It is heartbreaking for those three excluded children.

LovesYoungDream · 27/06/2015 23:49

Op How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your ds was the child being excluded from a party? It's mean to exclude the other boys. Treat others as you would like to be treated

Fatmomma99 · 27/06/2015 23:53

Having read some really heartbreaking threads on here by parents who's child was the only one/only one of a v small number to not be invited, I would not do this.

sorry.

Unless the behaviour was really, really terrible. And evidenced (eg - not just your DS and his best mates telling you, but the school getting involved or similar).
If it's an SEN issue, then could you ask the parents to stay and supervise? (I may be over-guessing)

If the parents would be unsurprised, then ok, I think. Because if the parents would not be surprised, they can talk to their children about the reasons why.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 27/06/2015 23:54

I had a childhood birthday around that age absolutely blighted by my mother insisting we invite a girl I absolutely hated because she was worrying about being fair.

It's his birthday, not fair to have his bullies there.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 27/06/2015 23:54

I remember thinking that my mum cared more about not hurting the other child's feelings more than she did about me :(

Flomple · 27/06/2015 23:56

I'm conflicted. DD wanted to invite all the girls except 2 one year. I made her cross off a few more. It was shitty tbh, at least 2 of those crossed off were genuine friends who played with DD, they found out and they were hurt not to be invited. And I'm not convinced the 2 whom she refused to invite (due to bullying) felt an iota better because others were excluded too. Chances are they didn't even know.

At the end of the day I don't think I could just exclude 2 though.

Cheby · 27/06/2015 23:57

I wouldn't invite them. I was bullied at primary school by a group of 3/4 kids into class. I still remember it all now, despite it being 20+ years later.
If my mother had forced me to invite them to my birthday I would have been devastated.

BadLad · 27/06/2015 23:58

I'd let him. Can't think of anything more likely to spoil his birthday than being forced to invite kids who have made his life a misery to his party.

RainbowFlutterby · 27/06/2015 23:59

I think it depends on the actual behaviour of the boys. A bit mean every now and then - well all children are capable of that. Constant nastiness - no invite.

At 10yrs old I would expect children to understand that bad behaviour has consequences, one of which could well be missing out on parties.

AuntyMag10 · 27/06/2015 23:59

Why would you invite bullies to your Child's birthday Confused they are bullies!

Marcipex · 28/06/2015 00:03

They've made his life a misery for five years, yet it doesn't feel right to exclude them?

I really don't get this.

Starlightbright1 · 28/06/2015 00:06

I have to say at 10 yes I would assuming we are talking bullying type behaviour.

I think the rest of the class will have a perfectly lovely time...I don't think I could do one but 3 yes

M00nUnit · 28/06/2015 00:06

If these boys have made most of their classmates' lives a misery for the past 5 years then why do they deserve to be invited to a party? They're 10 years old - old enough to know that bad behaviour has consequences. If you invite them your son will probably end up not enjoying his birthday, which would defeat the whole object.

Suefla62 · 28/06/2015 00:10

Don't invite them, they've made his life a misery for five years and now you want them to spoil his birthday. You're supposed to be on his side! Maybe if they're even aware they've not been invited they're old enough to realize there's consequences for their actions.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/06/2015 00:11

It's mean to exclude just 3. If their behaviour has been so bad for 5 years then it started when they were 5 Hmm so either the school is completely ineffectual or the three aren't that bad.

butterfly133 · 28/06/2015 00:12

YANBU
they are bullies, exclude them. they might learn something!

clary · 28/06/2015 00:12

People always say on MN you must invite the whole class but I really don't see why.

It's not as tho you are going to pointedly miss them out OP (I am sure) - as long as you can give out the invites in a reasonably subtle way they may not even realise they are the only 3 not asked. Anyway, they are 10 not 3.

Why should your son's party be spoiled? I ruined DD's 5th birthday because I insisted she couldn't omit just 2 girls in her class. They were both a total nightmare; the party was 9 yars ago and the memory of it is totally vivid still. Really wished I had listened to DD.

RainbowFlutterby · 28/06/2015 00:15

I also don't think it's a good idea to prioritise other children over your own. Whatever the cause of the behavioural issues it is not the OP's child's fault or for him to deal with.