To let DS invite whole class bar 3 children

[PhoebeMcPeePee]

We've agreed that DS can have a disco for his 10th birthday and he wants the whole class except for 3 children . Tbh I don't blame him for wanting to exclude them as they are a total PITA and have made his (& many of his friends) lives a misery for the past 5 years of school BUT it just doesn't feel right excluding such a small number. If he were much younger I would say no, they either all come or we have the usual small number but is it fair to veto the entire idea just because of their behaviour. WWYD?

My daughter was one of three girls not invited to the party of a girl she considered a good friend, there were kids invited from the class above and below, close to 30 children in total, so not a numbers issue. None of the girls not invited are bullies or cause misery. I could understand doing this if there was a history of problems between them but there isn't. It has changed how I think of her parents that they let her do that.

I don't see that it's fair that in order to not have the children he doesn't like at his party, your ds has to uninvite some others he does like.

Let him leave out the badly behaved ones, at 10 they should be able to work out actions have consequences, and if not it's best they start learning.

No way wound I have someone at my DSs party that had bullied him, and I suspect all the posters saying its mean to leave a few out have never had a child who has been badly bullied either.

As a primary school teacher, who sees daily the impact that the minority of badly behaved children have on the rest of the class, I would say don't invite them. At 10, they are more than old enough to start learning the grown up lesson that if you act like a wanker to people, then people won't want you around.

In reference to the points made by APlaceOnTheCouch ...At the end of the day, there are some children who are just little shits and because positive behaviour isn't praised/negative behaviour isn't sanctioned properly at home by their parents the little shit-ness cannot be ironed out by school alone. It is frankly ridiculous to hold a school accountable for the crappy behaviour of a small minority of children.

I would support my DS and not force him to invite three bullies.
This is about him, not them. What a terrible lesson to send if he either has to invite them or exclude people he wants to invite in case the bullies are upset? With those options you either upset the other children or you upset your DS and the other children who have also been bullied.
They are ten years old and in a pattern of bullying. Three of them at this party sound like a recipe for disaster.

Absolutely no way would I have children that made my child's life a misery at their party. Not a chance. Non negotiable. And it wouldn't happen the other way round because if I got a sniff of my child bullying another there'd be hell to pay.

Why does SEN give a child a free party pass? Children don't exclude because of SEN they exclude because of behaviour they have seen from that child in the same way they include for that reason

Seriously? Children could decide to exclude another DC because they wore funny clothes one day; because they don't have as much money; because they have a funny accent. Children's decisions on exclusion are not always kind, rational or based on fact. (I'm addressing Jo's point not the OP).

As parents, we should be able to tell the difference and be able to teach our DCs empathy, compassion and about how/why other DCs are different. . .or we can let them exclude DCs with SEN or anyone who they take against that week, and hope someone else/life teaches them how to be considerate

Excluding a DC because of SEN doesn't make a point about their behaviour . Their parents will be more than aware of their behaviour. It does make a point about your attitude to SEN and inclusion (and in your example about how welcoming you are to new people).

I would exclude them but send their parents a note apologising and explaining why.

it's his birthday he invites who he wants so if he doesn't want them there he doesn't get invited. I don't understand all this oh it's not fair on the children not invited. as an adult I would not choose to have someone I didn't want at my party so why expect a child too.

jaded99 if my DC had been bullied for 5 years (starting at the age of 5) then I would be holding the school responsible because they have a duty of care. It's frankly ridiculous that as a teacher you are implying it's acceptable for DCs to be bullied for 5 years because schools can't address the issues. Thankfully none of the teachers that I know share that attitude.

I definitely wouldn't invite these kids if they've made your son's life difficult for years. Our deputy head told me that sometimes being excluded by classmates was a natural consequence of violent behaviour and could help kids to realise they needed to change their behaviour (this was in the context of how they were dealing with a kid who was hurting my dd regularly).

I missed where these boys were described as "bullies" in her OP, she described them as a "PITA."

Aplaceonthecouch, some children are just bullies plain and simple, I would blame the parents before I blame the school!

Where does the OP say these children are bullies?

Yes I would, they are 10 years old, not 5, there should be consequences for their behaviour. There are 3 of them, not 1. Go for it op.

I say that as a mum of two kids with SN.

jaded99, love your very honest and blunt post!
As the mother of a daughter who is a primary school teacher, I wholeheartedly support your point of view!!!

The OP does not use the word "Bully".
She does say they "have made his (& many of his friends) lives a misery for the past 5 years".
That sounds like bullying.

And, for what it is worth OP, you go ahead and let your son invite those children he really wants at his birthday party. Life sucks, at 10 it is really not too early to learn this.
We are far too soft with children these days IMO.

Stunned at a primary school teacher calling children 'little shits'.
I know teachers do it on the QT, and to a certain extent I agree, but that's the thin end of a very nasty wedge posting it on Mumsnet.
The 1 dd didn't want to invite has a father and grandfather in prison. First week of primary she locked dd in the loo and told her she would never see me again. She was known for putting 'you are going to die' letters in the kids'bags. She came to all dd's parties and behaved impeccably.
Some of the SEN/behaviour comments on this thread are vile.

Anyone who makes someone else's life a misery sounds a bully to me, child or adult.

At 10 they are old enough, to realise, good life lesson for them. Op go ahead plan the party without those bullies, and let your ds enjoy it.

I don't believe how people can contemplate leaving 3 children out, and as a teacher appalled at the views of the primary school teacher, it is simple- have the whole class or a smaller party.

They are 10yr old children! No doubt they have problems of some sort. I wouldn't write off anyone as 'a little shit' - I shake my head in amazement ( and horror) at some views.