To let DS invite whole class bar 3 children

[PhoebeMcPeePee]

We've agreed that DS can have a disco for his 10th birthday and he wants the whole class except for 3 children . Tbh I don't blame him for wanting to exclude them as they are a total PITA and have made his (& many of his friends) lives a misery for the past 5 years of school BUT it just doesn't feel right excluding such a small number. If he were much younger I would say no, they either all come or we have the usual small number but is it fair to veto the entire idea just because of their behaviour. WWYD?

You are so right ohtheholidays, a lesson in treating people kindly and consequences and actions is long overdue. Obviously this has not been addressed by the school/parents, as they have been mean to op ds for a long time. No is as better times as any IMHO.

Yes children can be mean and nasty, without SN. Some kids are just not nice, who will probably be adults who are not very nice.

Does he seriously want everyone in the class bar these three? I'd limit the numbers to around 20 and tell him to list only the ones he genuinely wants there.

What if he does want the class, he should have that, why why on here does the birthday child who is being bullied have to make sacrifices. What if op ds had in the past smaller parties to accommodate these boys feelings and now wants a big fuck off class shindig for is double figures birthday.

I think Mehitabel6 makes a good point. Why not have a smaller party and just invite real friends?

Has the OP posted anything besides her original post? I can't find anything. We are all projecting our own thoughts and prejudices onto her initial explain which was ambiguous.

I do see a lot of threads on MN about the other side: my poor child is bullied as school, he/she is socially excluded by horrible parents and children for no apparent reason! Is this the flip side?

It's not baby, where do you draw the line, they will still be chikdren up to 17, when they will be adults! Ibviously whatever interventions is hapoening with them are not working. Why should the bullied child have to suffer it's not in. And if them not being invited to op ds party makes them see the consequence of their actions, so be it. Can I point out, there are 3 of them, not 1, so they won't be only 1 excluded.

Well we are going on the op, we have had no other information.

The only reason I wouldn't do this is I would be worried the nastiness would step up a gear if they weren't invited. That said we bit the bullet and did a whole class party for dd last year and the brat of the class was indeed the brat of the party on a massive scale, it was such a big party that he was easily ignored though.

Barrister I think your wrong!

We tell children not to touch hot things when they're little,not to run across roads,to be kind,say please and thank you,to help one another ect.

Being a parent is about teaching your child/children lessons that will not only keep them safe,but that will hopefully help them to grow up to be happy,healthy,kind and loving well rounded adults.

All lessons we learn as a child may not seem fair at the time,but they do help us to grow into the adults that we want to become.

This may be just the thing that will make the boys teachers sit up and listen,maybe then they'll start dealing with the boys negative behavior towards others because from what the OP has said it doesn't sound like anything has been done in the past 5 years regarding the 3 boys behavior.

Also it might just make the parents think about the way they're parenting.They will have to sit up,take notice and take action!

I've witnessed this multiple times with children as young as 4 right up to older teenagers(I've taught children of all ages and needs for years)and honestly I've seen a real difference in a lot of the children that weren't involved in something because of they're behavior and they're parents and the support and strategies the teachers put in place.

With a lot of the children it had a really positive outcome with they're behavior.Lots of them a year later they'd become friends with the child/children they'd bullied previously and were being invited on play dates and party's.

ohtheholidays you speak so much sense. How long can we make excuses and pander to nasty behaviour. They are 10 and still doing this, obviously whatever interventions is not working. Your doing them so favours in the long run.

I have a policy (very unpopular on here) of allowing my children to write their own guest list. I have three children; so I don't actually know every single one of their classmates, well; not to the point of noticing if 3 were left out, anyway. Probably further complicated by the fact that the classes are shuffled around every couple of years, so all their best friends aren't necessarily in the same class every year.
The only year I got involved to that degree was Reception, when I insisted that a whole class party included everyone.
And the only time it's ever had negative consequences was, oddly enough, not even a party.
I was bringing 5 friends of ds1 home for a playdate (God knows why) and one mum of a boy who wasn't a friend of any of them approached me in the playground to tell me how hurt her son was at being "excluded".
I can only assume she thought it was a party; but, even if it had been - a huge proportion of the class would have been "excluded" too... Weird.

Aero that's what I was worried about,they're 10 now it really isn't that long till they're young men.God forbid they're behavior should go on unchallenged until then.They carry on this way they could go on to really harm someone or worse when they're older all they could start on the wrong kind of person when they're young men and could end up loosing everything.

Lots of children that bully have bad stuff of they're own going on,but challenging they're behavior is away of not only helping the children they've been bullying it could really help them as well.No one wants to be disliked but these young boys could end up growing up with no positive memory's of school and could end up as social outcasts.

Exactly Ohtheholidays, they are 10, it's only 8 years until they are adults. If left unchallenged could become tge wrong type of person. If this op not asking them to her ds party gets them to think long and hard about they way they treated her ds, and to change, then it's a good thing. Life is unfair unfortunately. It is not good to approach adult hood with a sense entitlement and the world owes you.

Add message | Report | Message poster babybarrister Sun 28-Jun-15 10:08:45
But the issue is that these boys are still children and excluding them is also a form of bullying- this in turn is going to have an effect on their behaviour and sadly not necessarily of the 'now they have learnt their lesson' effect ...

Bollocks it is a form of bullying by not inviting someone.

These children are ten ffs. They should fucking well know how to behave. And if their parents enable this, then quite frankly they can do one too.

I would not and have never written my children's invitation lists. It's their (respective) parties, and they can have who the fuck they want there.

What kind of message are some of you trying to get across? 'Don't worry Sid Snot, you may have been horrid to little Timmy for five years, but hey come to his party and have another chance to be mean'

Yeah. That's fine.

But the issue is that these boys are still children and excluding them is also a form of bullying

Rubbish. Not everyone will like everyone, not inviting someone who is horrible to you is sensible, not bullying behaviour. I really despair of attitudes that seem to pander to bullies behaviour, rather than addressing it.

At 10 years of age and following repeated bullying incidents I'd exclude them. Why should they be rewarded for making others feel like crap?

Not a great message to send out IMO.

I cannot see how not inviting three children who bully your DS is bullying.
I can see how inviting them is condoning their bullying.
I can see how insisting your DS is not allowed to invite the rest of the class solely because of these boys is bullying.
I can see how making him have a smaller party because of these boys is bullying and could possibly ruin the disco party with not enough there.
And I can see how not inviting X amount of children because of these boys is bullying.
I just don't understand the logic in reorganising your child's party around three children who make his life a misery.

Has it not occurred to people that 'difficult' children have problems of some sort - either with SNs or dysfunctional families?

Yes, but I don't care how dysfunctional their home life is, Im not going to use my childrens party as some sort of social experiment. The boy who made my DSs life and all our lives a misery with the stress of his physical and emotional bullying, nearly broke up my marriage and made us move house because we just happened to live next door to him had a dysfunctional family - no excuse to make our lives a misery.

same as crystal, no matter what their home life or the problems that cause the behaviour I wouldn't use my child's party as a means to test out how they behave.

So be it. But don't expect schools to do anything if a group ostracises your child, because clearly you see nothing wrong with it. Clearly your child is a 'nice child' and you can only bully a 'horrible child'. It is a new one in me that bullying is OK if they deserve it and they need to learn that being horrible will lead to bullying!
A strange world.

How insulting mehitble to those who have been bullied like myself. I've been name called, peed on, stones thrown at my head, for being quirky, not fitting as I had SN at school and possible ASD, dd has it.

If your child is a bully and the other children do not want to be subjected to that bullying and remove themselves from it, is that ostracising the bully or is it self preservation?
If your child was being bullied, wouldn't you give them a raft of techniques to cope with it, (alongside making the school aware) including walking away from the bully? That is not ostracising either.
It is anew one on me that bullying is okay regardless and that the bully has to be included in their victims social life.
What a very srange world view.

All this in primary/junior school.

And were you made to invite the bullies to your parties, Aero? I do hope not.
So sorry you were subjected to this.