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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To let DS invite whole class bar 3 children

215 replies

PhoebeMcPeePee · 27/06/2015 23:36

We've agreed that DS can have a disco for his 10th birthday and he wants the whole class except for 3 children Hmm. Tbh I don't blame him for wanting to exclude them as they are a total PITA and have made his (& many of his friends) lives a misery for the past 5 years of school BUT it just doesn't feel right excluding such a small number. If he were much younger I would say no, they either all come or we have the usual small number but is it fair to veto the entire idea just because of their behaviour. WWYD?

OP posts:
reni1 · 28/06/2015 17:01

We don't know these children. Op did not say bullies. They might be know-it-alls, teachers pets, snitches, a bit smelly, really clingy, just a bit embarrassing... (from the 10yo's pov), sen, a bit loud, many ways in which to 'make the others miserable' for 5 years, some unintentional. Or maybe they are bullies, can't say on the info we've got.

chaiselounger · 28/06/2015 17:22

Even if they are not bullies, why should any child be forced to invite people they don't want, to their own party.

reni1 · 28/06/2015 17:27

Because a class ganging up on 3 children who might be different (poorer? less academic? louder? quieter?) can in itself be bullying. Op has not said how these kids made others' life miserable. In such a case I would step in.

WhattodowithMum · 28/06/2015 17:28

I agree reni1.

chaiselounger · 28/06/2015 17:31

Class ganging up? Oh purlease.
It's not the class ganging up. It's just one boy saying I don't like those 3 children. Suspect the other 20 odd children would say the same aswell.

Some children just aren't very nice. Not Sen, not anything, just not very nice. Sorry if you don't like that, but it is actually true.

reni1 · 28/06/2015 17:34

We do not know that though, chaiselounger. My hypothesis is just that, and so is yours. Op said her ds and many if his friends, so not 1 child.

pollyannagoestotown · 28/06/2015 17:44

I have done this to just one child - but I was ill, I was not prepared to deal with physical violence at a kids party instead of making sure kids have a fun time / doing the catering etc, my child was terrified of the child in question and my child was not the only who was scared. I had seen child in question 'in action' under my nose, and I knew I would not be able to calm them down effectively. At 8 it was my child's first and last class party - I had no intention of having it ruined.

I spoke to the teachers first and explained why, and they were not at all surprised (happened quite frequently apparently), but were grateful I had explained and had given my child very clear instructions that no 'bragging' about the party would be tolerated, and that invitations were to be handed out without a fuss and however the teachers told her to (this bit was not usual practice apparently). The child in question's behaviour has not improved over 4 years, and is condoned by nanny / parents. Alot of parents are constantly going into school complaining about injuries suffered by their children.

If my child had done what I have seen with my own eyes, I would not expect them to get an invite to any party, let alone the kids they are picking on, and would explain to them very clearly why. I would also try and be seen to be encouraging kind behaviour, rather than laughing it off as spirited! I am a believer in do as you would be done by. If you would be happy for your child to miss the party if they were dishing out whatever your child says is happening, then go ahead and exclude.

Another way of thinking about it is - would you invite the snide distant relative to your wedding knowing that they always kicked off and spoiled stuff, and were going to be vile to your husband / wife to be and reduce them to tears on what is meant to be one of the happiest days of their life - probably not!

PhoebeMcPeePee · 28/06/2015 19:10

Woah loads of responses & questions sorry for disappearing (family party Smile).

There's no SEN on either side. When I say made his life a misery I was being a bit melodramatic, but, we have had tears & school refusing albeit all in the past now. DS actually stood up to the 2 boys (3rd is a girl) in Y2 so now they pretty much leave him alone but are mean to a couple of friends especially one with SEN & won't think twice about giving anyone they don't like a nudge or a kick if the teacher isn't looking. School have been involved many times (& were actually very good when DS hit back one day), but it's now mainly below-the-radar stuff so they get away with it. I'm sorry to say I've come to the conclusion they are just not nice kids Hmm

OP posts:
TwoTribes · 28/06/2015 19:18

I think they will know why they're not invited and will understand that it's their own behaviour that's led to this. Presumably they wouldn't even expect to be invitied or, possibly, even want to go?

What are you going to do OP?

WhattodowithMum · 28/06/2015 19:21

Fair enough then.

FishCanFly · 28/06/2015 19:24

YANBU. Your DS doesn't owe an invitation to unpleasant children

CardinalRed · 28/06/2015 21:36

They're picking on a child with SEN?
That would settle any doubts I had.
Disco party minus three.

CrapBag · 28/06/2015 21:44

Your DS' s party, his choice. As adults we wouldn't invite people who behaved like this so we shouldn't force our children to. It's their birthday and they are the ones that matter the most.

The children sound horrible. I don't blame your DS at all.

wizzler · 28/06/2015 21:53

Dont't invite them if DS doesn't want them there. It sounds as if he has good reasons.. he isn't behaving irrationally in not inviting them. It is his birthday party and he should be able to attend knowing that you support his decisions.

reni1 · 28/06/2015 22:22

YANBU then.

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