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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To let DS invite whole class bar 3 children

215 replies

PhoebeMcPeePee · 27/06/2015 23:36

We've agreed that DS can have a disco for his 10th birthday and he wants the whole class except for 3 children Hmm. Tbh I don't blame him for wanting to exclude them as they are a total PITA and have made his (& many of his friends) lives a misery for the past 5 years of school BUT it just doesn't feel right excluding such a small number. If he were much younger I would say no, they either all come or we have the usual small number but is it fair to veto the entire idea just because of their behaviour. WWYD?

OP posts:
WhetherOrNot · 28/06/2015 13:05

So Mehitabel6 - are you going to be 'mean' to the bullies.........or 'mean' to your own child, eh?

SoupDragon · 28/06/2015 13:07

It's unusual for someone to have a full class party age 10, so I think the rules should be a little softer on this one.

I disagree - if you have a "full" class party it's mean to exclude one or two whatever the age.

Obviously if the child is a nasty bully, that is different.

CardinalRed · 28/06/2015 13:08

What if the birthday child has SNs, SoupDragon?
Or if they are the child that is being excluded by the bullies?
Why is it good to learn that having the children that bully you at your party is not mean?
It used to be the consensus that the world was flat. that doesnt mean it was true.

Mehitable - why should the birthday boy not be allowed to have the party he wants because of the bullies? That is letting their sphere of influence into his private life and allowing him no escape from their influence.

Why should other children not be invited becuase of the bullies? that is cruel and unfair and wrongly putting their feelings above those of the birthday boy and the children you wish to exclude solely because of the bullies.

What a terrible idea. All kinds of wrong.

rookiemere · 28/06/2015 13:08

But he wants a disco for his party Mehitabel6 and it's going to be fairly pants with 10 people.

For some reason it's really important to DS to have a big party, I wouldn't deny him it. This boy wants a disco not a cinema outing with his close friends.

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 13:11

I learn something new every day in the Internet.

This lesson is that if you are a child from a nice, kind, supportive family and turn out well behaved and kind ( not a surprise there) then you can kick up a fuss if you are bullied and expect something to be done. Exclusion from a group is a well known bullying tactic and should be dealt with in an anti bullying policy.
However if you are a child from an abusive or dysfunctional family, or one who just doesn't read normal social cues then it is perfectly OK to exclude,because after all they are a horrid child ( a little shit) and they should understand that it is perfectly reasonable that they should be bullied.

The solution is so simple- a smaller party.

I would get slaughtered on MN if I was to reply ' your DC is getting bullied because they are a horrid child and they deserve to know it'!

CardinalRed · 28/06/2015 13:13

No need to be deliberately mean back.

But perfectly fine to be mean to your own child by ignoring his wishes?
And fine to be mean to the other children who are going to be excluded because of the bullies?

Only on MN would people seriously suggest organising your child's party around the bullies and having more consideration of them than your own DC

CardinalRed · 28/06/2015 13:16

The solution is so simple- a smaller party

Only is the problem posed is: How do I show my DC that his feelings are less important than those of the bullies?

Or perhaps: How can I let these bullies dominate my son's life even more than they already do?

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 13:18

So the lesson is to all children
Don't bully the 'nice' child but feel free to bully the 'horrid' child.

Personally I try to treat others as I like to be treated. If I wouldn't want to be excluded from a party then I wouldn't do it to someone else.

Oh I forget- I am a nice person so that is unfair, but they are a horrid person so do what you like.
Don't get clouded by the fact they are a young child.

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 13:21

I would teach my child that bullying is never permissible. Of course you don't want to have them at your party- and why should you? BUT find a solution that is not blatant exclusion. Surely he goes to things outside school where you could get the extra children for a disco to add to school friends?

babybarrister · 28/06/2015 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/06/2015 13:24

mehetible don't bully anybody, whatever your background, the consequence for that is that you will be excluded from things simple! At 10, they are well old enough to understand this, and need to know it.

CardinalRed · 28/06/2015 13:25

I would teach my child that bullying is never permissible

But you would them bully them into not having the party they want with the children they want because of the bullies.
You'd show them the bullies were more important.

Poor kid.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/06/2015 13:26

Why should op ds have bullies at his party, you are giving them the green light and allowing this behaviour, Sid that for a game of soldiers.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/06/2015 13:27

There are some very strange and quite frankly absurd ideas on here, tgat woukd not wash in the real world.

Esmesgirls · 28/06/2015 13:28

It's DS birthday, and I would have had enough after five years. DD1 was teased mercilessly by one girl throughout the whole year, and we left her out. It made DD1 able to relax and have fun, and after seeing her miserable the whole year, did the same for me.

CardinalRed · 28/06/2015 13:28

It is a disco, Baby - so presumably a fair sized venue, with darkened lighting, loud music and around 30 kids.
How totally simple to keep an eye on three bullies. It's not as if they are ever going to be apart, is it? Or that OP might have other things to do.
And what a super idea to have to spend your child's party watching out for three bullies who your child does not want to be there in the first place.
Why not just organise the party around bullies... oh, that's what you are suggesting.

chaiselounger · 28/06/2015 13:29

I can't believe all the posts at the beginning of the thread, insisting g that the 3 were invited!!

rookiemere · 28/06/2015 13:33

I know that the DCs who act out are generally doing so because of issues at home.
There is one boy in DS's class who is very unhappy and I know some of the background - as DS is not the one who is being targeted by him, I actually feel extremely sorry for him and wouldn't exclude him from a party even though DS is not particularly fond of him.

But I got some stories from the DM of the boy who he is -for want of a better word - bullying. Her DS wakes up in tears every morning because of it. They are perfectly right not to invite that DS to their party.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/06/2015 13:36

Sometimes I think, only on Mumsnet!

RachelRagged · 28/06/2015 13:38

Must be my age but when did whole class invites come in ?

Admittedly mine are older than tots now, but when they had a party they invited their closest friends. Once we hired a hall and had a magician and the whole class did not come . nor have mine been to a party with all their class there . Not digging , just curious.

OP YANBU in my opinion. Could ruin your little ones party

TwoTribes · 28/06/2015 13:38

OP have you decided what to do yet?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/06/2015 13:39

It's like a parallel universe.

HoldYerWhist · 28/06/2015 13:40

Ffs.

So OP's son has to have a shit party to learn a life lesson about exclusion?

What a good lesson; pander to the people who mistreat you because your feelings are less important than people pleasing.

Why shouldn't he invite who he wants? To preserve the feelings of kids who aren't nice to him? Who aren't his friends?

I mean, really?

My guess is some of these posters have "spirited" children at home...

Mehitabel6 · 28/06/2015 13:43

If OP didn't think it was a mean action she wouldn't have asked the question!
It is a lot easier for me because I would never have a whole class party in the first place. Life was a lot simpler when close friends came to parties and you didn't get this dilemma.

NurseRoscoe · 28/06/2015 14:04

For me it would depend what they had done to my child. If they had picked on them or something I would feel absolutely no remorse not inviting them. Why should anyone spend their special day with someone who has upset them? If it was just because they were shy, awkward or something that didn't involve them upsetting my child purposely I wouldn't leave them out.