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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let DS invite whole class bar 3 children

215 replies

PhoebeMcPeePee · 27/06/2015 23:36

We've agreed that DS can have a disco for his 10th birthday and he wants the whole class except for 3 children Hmm. Tbh I don't blame him for wanting to exclude them as they are a total PITA and have made his (& many of his friends) lives a misery for the past 5 years of school BUT it just doesn't feel right excluding such a small number. If he were much younger I would say no, they either all come or we have the usual small number but is it fair to veto the entire idea just because of their behaviour. WWYD?

OP posts:
QuintShhhhhh · 28/06/2015 00:16

Go for it! It is not mean if they are badly behaved or bullies! At 10 they need to learn that their behaviour has consequences! Different if they were 5!

AuntyMag10 · 28/06/2015 00:17

Couch it's not the ops problem regarding those children's behaviour problems. Why would you spoil your ds birthday by inviting people he does not want there. Maybe those 3 bullies will get the message that their own behaviour gets them excluded.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/06/2015 00:22

In RL the people I know whose DC are excluded are always the ones with SEN. Always. One child with ASD has NEVER been invited to a party. On threads it's never about SEN always about NT children who are just rotten, naughty bullies. Hmm

hiddenhome · 28/06/2015 00:22

Why on earth would you invite bullies to a birthday party?

Just exclude them. They might get the message. You're foolish for feeling guilty about it. They'll end up spoiling the party anyway Hmm

EeyoresTail · 28/06/2015 00:23

I wouldn't invite the 3. As pp's have said, by the age of 10 they're old enough to understand consequences of their actions

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/06/2015 00:25

I didn't say it was the op's problem but if 3 DCs have made everyone's lives a misery for 5 years then I'd expect the school to have dealt with it. Since the school haven't then either (1) the school are remiss (2) the DCs aren't that bad but the other DCs are deliberately excluding them (3) there are special circumstances that mean the school make allowances for their behaviour.

Whichever it is I wouldn't choose a child's party as the place to make a point about it. But I know that generally on these threads I'm in a minority. It doesn't change how I feel about it.

hiddenhome · 28/06/2015 00:29

A child's party is a private out of school arrangement. Parents aren't responsible for other people's kids if they're causing problems.

Ds1 was always excluded from parties and I absolutely understood why that was and had to learn to deal with it.

RainbowFlutterby · 28/06/2015 00:29

Tbf MrsTP in my RL children with SEN are always invited, but there's only 2 in DS's year.

There are half a dozen bullies.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 28/06/2015 00:29

Please don't make your son invite his bullies to his birthday. That is cruel. He can't avoid them at school and you want them there on his birthday too? Who gives a shit if they feel excluded? Why is that more important than you supporting your son? What sort of message does that send him?

WhattodowithMum · 28/06/2015 00:33

I think it depends a little bit on exactly what these three have been up to. If it has been really personal and serious, then I think you may be able to justify it. But if they are just garden variety pains, then I would say invite them.

The problem with you as a parent countenancing unkind behaviour is that your son will learn the lesson. In your opinion, it's ok to leave these kids out. You feel they deserve it. You can see how it is justified. The problem is, in another situation, where you might not condone socially excluding other kids, your son may see no difference, and go ahead and do it. He will have learned it's ok to socially exclude peers that annoy you.

hiddenhome · 28/06/2015 00:36

If people are annoying then they exclude themselves. They need to learn because they'll have a rough ride in the adult world if they don't.

RainbowFlutterby · 28/06/2015 00:39

I totally agree with hiddenhome.

I see so many threads on here where people are told to grow a spine and stop spending time with people they don't like!

Kaekae · 28/06/2015 00:41

I wouldn't even consider it.

onthering · 28/06/2015 00:48

If they were 4 or 5 I would think you couldn't really exclude three of them, at 10 I think its fine. Its not a school event, why should DS have to tolerate kids he doesn't like at his own party?

clary · 28/06/2015 00:48

The children DD didn't want to invite didn't have SEN. One was just a really badly behaved girl and the other was a spoilt madam. She still is actually.

My DC are older now, 16, 14 and 12, but tbh it's a while since they were invited to reams of parties. And that's fine. Last year one of DS2's on/off mates had a MASSIVE party in their big garden, according to DS2 he invited most people in the year (two classes at juniors) but not DS2. Probably because DS2 (who btw has no SEN) was being obnoxious to the child (he's good at that Hmm). He wasn't that bothered or said he wasn't.

The world didn't end. It's a party. Not everyone gets invited to them all. I personally think 10yo is a fine age to learn that.

I'm quite glad that DD (14) doesn't get invited to many as apparently in her year the parties involve under-age drinking and smoking Shock so err, I'm OK with those people not asking her actually.

WhattodowithMum · 28/06/2015 01:02

I think it's not so much that the other children think the world will end or will never get over it, but the way you want your own child to behave.

As adults, it's a lot easier to pick and choose our friends because we aren't all stuck at school together. No one is monitoring who we have invited or what we are doing. For kids it's a lot more like our work relationships. Would you invite everyone in the office for leaving drinks, or a night out, etc. and purposely not invite one or two people? Probably not. You'd grin and bear it, because it was one of those social situations where you had to. It's part of gracious, manners, and being able to keep the peace with people you cannot choose to avoid.

As kids get older they go to bigger schools, everyone doesn't know everyone quite so well or live right around the corner anymore, then it is easier to naturally be able to hang around with who you want to hang around with, without feeling any social obligation to include irritating people.

But children may as well learn that in tight knit social situations everyone compromises and puts up with a bit.

Ludoole · 28/06/2015 01:19

I let my son choose who he wanted and exclude those who he wanted to the bully who ruined his whole primary education.
I have no regrets..

nocoolnamesleft · 28/06/2015 01:27

Forcing a child to invite people who bully them to their birthday party doesn't exactly send a good message either though. What a way to belittle their concerns, and worries. "I know that x has made your life a living hell, stolen things from you, spat at you, hit you, again and again, and this is meant to be your party, but you have to invite them, because when you're an adult you have to deal with people you don't like".

If adults behaved to adults in the work place as bullies behave to their victims at school, you'd be calling the police.

So if they're just not particularly friends, yes invite. But if you're talking actually sustained bullying, please don't.

bustraintram · 28/06/2015 07:04

YWNBU to do this in the slightest, if DS doesn't want those children their due to their behaviour that is fine - as a PP said, nobody owes them an invite. If they feel excluded, tough luck, maybe they will improve their behaviour as a result.

TheNewStatesman · 28/06/2015 07:13

If it is definitely a SEN issue I would invite BUT I would talk to the parents and explain that I would have to ask them to stay and supervise CLOSELY at all times.

If they are just plain nasty kids--screw them. Leave them out and maybe they'll learn a lesson? Ten is old enough to understand consequences.

All the people insisting that you have to invite bullies--do you apply the same standards to your own parties, I wonder? i.e., socialize with people who have treated you like shit for years on end and made your life miserable?

intothenevernever · 28/06/2015 07:21

I would have no qualms about letting my kids do this. Bugger them if they're bullies. They should learn to be nicer.

PtolemysNeedle · 28/06/2015 07:28

If your ds only doesn't want to invite them because of their own behaviour, then it can't see a problem with nt inviting them. They are 10, and more than old enough to understand that negative behaviour has negative consequences.

CPtart · 28/06/2015 07:45

They're 10, presumably approaching last year of primary after which their paths may rarely, if ever, cross at secondary.
If your son doesn't want them I wouldn't invite. Plenty old enough now to understand consequences. Did these 3 invite him to their parties?

Jo258 · 28/06/2015 07:51

Why does SEN give a child a free party pass? Children don't exclude because of SEN they exclude because of behaviour they have seen from that child in the same way they include for that reason.

There is a boy in ds's class who is nasty to ther children, he has hurt DS (who is a v nice, kind, funny boy - not a pita) several times. Several of the other children are frightened of him as he has violent outbursts. I am certain he has some SEN, I don't know what because a)he's reasonably new and b) it is none of my business.

I would not invite him to ds's party because I am positive it would end in tears and DS would not want him there. The difficulty for the OP is there are so few children her DS would not want to invite, therefore inadvertently making 'a point'. However the point she would be making is 'my child doesn't want your child there because he has made his life a misery' not 'my child doesn't want you're child there because he/she has SEN'.

diddl · 28/06/2015 07:55

This is the problem with a whole class party, it seems that they rarely are!

If you feel bad, just invite known friends. He might want a full class (bar3) party, you don't have to give one!

I wouldn't feel bad about not inviting 3.

I assume that they wouldn't want to go to the party of someone that they dislike enough to bully anyway.