To let DS invite whole class bar 3 children

[PhoebeMcPeePee]

We've agreed that DS can have a disco for his 10th birthday and he wants the whole class except for 3 children . Tbh I don't blame him for wanting to exclude them as they are a total PITA and have made his (& many of his friends) lives a misery for the past 5 years of school BUT it just doesn't feel right excluding such a small number. If he were much younger I would say no, they either all come or we have the usual small number but is it fair to veto the entire idea just because of their behaviour. WWYD?

mehitabel what are you on about? Do you live in some sort of twee universe where all children have to socialise with all other children - even if one of those children makes the life of another miserable?

Years ago, my god daughter's mum invited the whole class to her birthday party, including three children who had been bullying her and the rest of the class for two years. On the morning of the party, gdd was in tears, begging not to go, she felt sick, her tummy hurt etc. Her mum forced her to go, she spent most of the party sitting on her grandad's knee and silently crying, whilst the bullies had a great time, only noticing her to point and laugh, or wander up to her and "innocently" ask what was wrong and why she was crying.

She refused to have another birthday party. She was seven.

YANBU to exclude 3 ten year olds from a party if they have spent 5 years tormenting half the class. Your child should have the 10th birthday party he wants. He won't want birthday parties like this for very much longer. I see your dilemma, I really do, but like you say in your OP, it would be different if the children were younger. They are old enough to know better and take the consequences of their actions.

No in dvno friends cardinal , I was invited to two parties from age 5/11. I used to see invites handed out, but not for me, I was not a bully or made kids life miserable, my face did not fit. I had an odd hair style, I was developmentally delayed, slow in class, emotionally immature so was easy target for bullies.

Are they all going to the same secondary next year?

The OP hasn't mentioned bullying, just said the three kids are a pita. I'd need to know what they have done to make the whole class's lives a misery before judging and also whether these children have additional needs.

Having said that I do think, at 10 years old, OP's ds is old enough to know who his friends are. I can't see them being devastated at not being invited.

If they are a PITA and have made your son's life a misery then no, I'd definitely not invite them. Why would you?
They're old enough to learn that actions have consequences.

YANBU.

10 is old enough for a DC not to be devastated by a party invite and as it's 3 of them, it's not like he is excluding one child. It's also pretty rare at 10 to have a full class party so at that age, I think you're past the inviting everyone phase.

DS had his 9th birthday party earlier this year. He likes a big party so we ended up inviting all the boys in his class plus a few of his friends. It stuck in my craw a bit as it's a very good party location and not cheap, and there were boys there who I knew had smaller parties and not invited DS ( and I wouldn't have expected them to as he's not a special friend of theirs).

Do what makes your DS happy, but let him know that as he isn't inviting everyone he shouldn't be making a big deal about his party at school - as whilst he can invite who he wants it's not polite to rub it in regardless of how bad the other boys have been.

I'd certainly not be having a word with the other parents to say why their DS's weren't invited. Good grief - if they can't bring their DC's up well enough for them not to be unpleasant to other DCs, then that's really not going to go well.

OP said the three have made her DS and other DCs lives a misery for 5 years.
That is bullying.
Why do you need to know more?
Five years worth of bullying.
Why do you need to know if the bullies have SNs but don't consider the possibility that OPs DS may have SN and is being bullied because of this?
It sounds perilously close to victim blaming.

I'd let him exclude just three if they're bullies. If there's more to it, maybe not. But definitely no invite if they're bullies.

I know plenty of kids with additional needs who could be said to have made their class's lives a misery, but not through bullying. Usually through behaviour in class that takes up most of the teacher's time.

I don't think there's enough info in the OP and there's a lot of projection going on.

Yes, OPs son and his friends could be the target of these bullies because they have SNs and need additional assistance, which the bullies resent.

if you are going to consider the possibility that the bullies have SN then you also have to consider the possibility that OPs DS has SN and that this is why these boys are picking on him.

I haven't ever heard of a child who needs extra support being described as making his or her classmates lives a misery because of their SN. I hope I don't come across that attitude again.

Agree with Punkrockergirl.

Anyway not long before they're at secondary school where no-one agonises about leaving anyone out of anything.

Well it's not as if you're just leaving one child. That would be bang out of order.
Or it's not like you're not inviting them because they don't come from the right side of the road
Or because their mothers are not part of your clique.
And you're not going to put another child's feelings before your own child. No matter who it upsets.
However it is if he teacher will hand them if only a few are left out because with schools it!s all about inclusion.
Most importantly have you been into the school about the bullying

I also agree with youthecat no one knows what this means..

Who gets to define who the bully is? Sometime it's clear cut, sometimes you hear two different mums at the school gates accusing the other child of being a bully. Sometimes a child is being truly horrible. Sometimes it's simply a personality clash between two children and everyone using the "bully" label for leverage.

I need more info from the OP, to be sure of my opinion on this one.

Bullies I would not invite. When I was only a little older, my mother tried to insist that I include such people. I refused to have the party or celebrate at all. My mother had not seen but I had seen how the bullies acted at my friends party. They were very subtle but passive aggressive, nasty and would slyly pinch and hurt.

I doubt your child will be invited to their parties, your child should have a good day not be dreading it and upset when it comes. It is less about punishing the bully though soon enough they, like my bullies will realise how little friends they have and how little they matter, it is about protecting your son and showing him that you listen to his upsets and will respect them.

I think the OP was pretty clear.

TBH sad though some of the party exclusion stories are, and whilst I'm sure there is a very valid reason why these children have ended up not being nice to OP's DS, he is perfectly entitled not to have people at his party who have made his life a misery.

I was bullied at school by a group of my supposed "friends" at age 10. Part of that bullying was selective exclusion (one day being nice, the next day refusing to play with me).

I organised a birthday party and invited the whole group of friends. One of those invited was then allowed to have her own party the night before and invite everyone else but me. I have no idea why her parents allowed this - I was well behaved and our parents were supposed to be friends. It was devastating.

The point is though that these "friends" were very nice girls - well behaved, popular etc. Not PITA in any way that would be noticeable to parents/teachers and I'm sure that their parents would have been horrified to think of them as bullies but they made my life miserable and this was allowed by the parents. I expect this kind of nasty, manipulative, exclusionary behaviour is quite common at 10years and I'd want to be very sure that my child wasn't just being mean to those who don't fit in.

Even if they aren't bullies why should a 10yo be forced to invite people he doesnt like to his party?

It's hardly petty to not invite people you haven't liked for 5 years to anything.

Because it is good to learn that excluding just a small number of people is mean.

There are many threads on here from the point of view of the excluded child and the consensus is that it is unnecessarily mean.

Of course he shouldn't invite them! The answer is simple - have a party with his real friends from the class and make it smaller.

No need to be deliberately mean back.

And I would agree with you soupdragon when the DCs are younger and whole class parties are the norm. It would indeed be cruel to exclude 5 or 6 year olds because I can't imagine what a child would have done at that age to deserve to be excluded.

But from DS's class at age 8/9 I can see clearly that some children are like oil and water - they don't mix and there is no particular reason that they should be forced to spend time together.
There is a child in DS's class that he doesn't get on with - no particular reason they're just not pals - and his DM (who is a lovely lady) has the social nonce just to refuse his invite to DS's party each year.

It's unusual for someone to have a full class party age 10, so I think the rules should be a little softer on this one.

If I were to have a party and invite folks from work then yes if there were people I felt were nasty to me, I wouldn't invite them.