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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed by my engagement ring?

223 replies

SazMcStan · 25/06/2015 11:42

I don't want to come across as some shallow, ungrateful bitch because I'm far from that! I've never really been a girly girl and never really been the type to want her OH to spoil her. We've been engaged for a year and I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it. My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

That being said, I was sorting out some papers and things and found the invoice for my ring. It wasn't hidden away, just left in a pile of bank stuff that my OH knew I'd been sorting. It turns out it was really cheap. As in i spent more on my OH's birthday present this year than he did on the ring.

Like I said, I've never been spoilt or acted as if that's something I want but I feel like my ring shouldn't have been ordered online and cost so little. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat and I hate that I do but finding out how little it cost makes me feel like it's not as special. OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring. My ring is small in comparison to all of my engaged or married friends which has always silently bothered me but now I just think that he has got a smaller, cheaper one because he doesn't think I'm bothered and won't make a fuss.

An engagement ring is something that should be special and I feel like it's turned me in to a monster. Thing is I know he could have afforded to buy a more expensive one but I think he's just seen it as not as important. It's upsetting that he spent quite a bit of money on himself so soon after when it was a stupid thing to buy and he's never even used it! I don't want to be one of those girls who gets mad about stuff like this! I know I'm being unreasonable and I would never, ever tell him that I know how much it cost or that I'm disappointed because it could hurt him.

The important thing is that we're engaged and going to be together but is it ok for me to just feel a bit let down?

OP posts:
LashesandLipstick · 25/06/2015 11:45

Not sure OP. YANBU to dislike the style of the ring, but YABU to be upset about the cost or that it's not as big as your friends

mrschatty · 25/06/2015 11:46

Like you said it's about what the ring symbolises. Maybe he thought as your a self proclaimed 'non girly girl' the ring was just a token of what's bigger- a promise of a life together and love and fidelity...
Make sure you pick your own wedding band if it bothers you!

BullshitS70 · 25/06/2015 11:47

I'd say something and get an upgrade, maybe reuse the stones and set them with bigger ones in a new ring, if that is possible.

Mine is big and flashy. I love it. I did choose it though as I plan to wear it forever, and 10 years later, I still look at it and smile, its gorgeous

Fudgeface123 · 25/06/2015 11:47

Yes YABU and quite shallow. Reading between the lines it sounds like you were happy with it until you found out how much it cost

Fudgeface123 · 25/06/2015 11:48

Shock at get an upgrade!

Minus2seventy3 · 25/06/2015 11:48

Did you buy him an engagement present?

Sorry to be flippant, but as you say yourself in the OP, surely it's what it represents - the commitment, the promises - that matter more than a receipt?

OTheHugeManatee · 25/06/2015 11:49

Tricky one - there is no rational ground on which you can complain, in this age of gender equality, and in theory you could always save up and buy yourself a more expensive ring. But that's not the point, is it?

I was all set to be all 'yabu and precious' but I think I'd feel a bit nickel-and-dimed in your shoes too, OP.

EyeofSaur0n · 25/06/2015 11:49

I think in real life your feelings would not be unusual. The ring is not just a piece of jewellery but one which you will wear for the rest of your life so I personally don't think YABU to be upset that he put so little thought into it. Many couples start out with a smaller engagement ring and then "upgrade" when their finances improve but it's not the same as having the original one.

Having said that - here's a practical suggestion to get you over the hump - when you choose your wedding rings, pick a more expensive, perhaps elaborate one which can be worn alone, without an engagement ring (it's quite a classy look I always think)

YBR · 25/06/2015 11:50

It's been a shock for you, but you need to go back to focusing on I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm saying YANBU but it will BU if you continue to focus on the disappointment.

Try to stop comparing with other things your OH spends money on, or what other people have and move on. Perhaps try subtly to educate your OH in what you do like so you can both spend more appropriately when it comes to wedding-related stuff?

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 25/06/2015 11:50

My engagement ring was £100 from a second hand shop in Brighton. It's priceless to me.

Aermingers · 25/06/2015 11:50

Would you prefer to be married to a man that stiffed the bills but made big gestures? Or just didn't marry you even though he really loved you because he couldn't afford a big ring?

I think that you have been influenced by what your relatives have done which is what's driving it.

Is he tight in other ways? If so it might be a red flag, but otherwise not really. Maybe he just saw it and thought you would love it?

TedAndLola · 25/06/2015 11:50

If he did it because he's tight and doesn't care about you, YANBU.

If he did it because he didn't think it would matter to you (which sounds like the case) YABU.

Drop big hints about the type of wedding ring you want, or buy it together. My husband and I chose engagement and wedding rings together.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 25/06/2015 11:52

YABU just because its cheap and ordered online dosent mean he didn't put thought into it.

Toughasoldboots · 25/06/2015 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

viva100 · 25/06/2015 11:53

Yanbu. It's something you wear every day. Talk to him and upgrade it. No need for anyone to be this upset, no need to turn it into a drama or anything. Just a calm conversation saying that given the fact that you wear this every day you want a better one.

princessvikki · 25/06/2015 11:53

I would feel exactly the same and I'm really not materialistic either. It's ment to be a special gesture that you only have once, he should have made more effort to make it special for you. Having said that I dred to think what my dh would have choosen for me , in the end we went shopping together and I pretty much chose my own, not exectly romantic but I couldn't spend the rest of my life wearing a ring I didn't like. That sounds awful I know, I don't have a huge expensive ring I'm just very fussyHmm. What about choosing a sparkly wedding ring rather than a plain band, when you wear them together it would look better than a band and a small stone. Don't feel bad about being disappointed I think your a really good person for not saying anything I think I would have to say something even if I didn't change it I would have to tell him I felt let down. But your right when you say it's not really about the ring it's about what it signifies

tumbletumble · 25/06/2015 11:54

YANBU at all. If he couldn't afford one that would be different, but OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring Shock

I would find that really, really upsetting.

MaxPepsi · 25/06/2015 11:54

Have you set a date yet?

If so and you will be wedding ring shopping - bring it up then. Tell him what you said in the first paragraph - that you love the meaning behind the ring. But it has never really been to your taste - no need to mention the size or value.
Then, because you are now wedding ring shopping, you would like to get 2 matching rings more to your taste - seeing as you have the rest of your life to wear them.

I didn't get an engagement ring when DH proposed. We chose one together after the event to make sure I was happy. I am not wearing it today took it off because I was doing the bedding plants and forgot to put it back on and I feel lost, because it looks so right on my hand. My friends very rarely wear their engagement rings because they are wrong and not to their taste and have over the years all had them replaced with something else.

So, my point after all that, is no yanbu to be disappointed, if it's because it's not your style, but ywbu if it's purely for materialistic reasons.

ToysRLuv · 25/06/2015 11:54

I was engaged and now married, and bought both my rigs for about 100 pounds or less off t'Internet. I don't wear them anymore, because they are too loose. If you don't like your ring, you don't need to wear it. You would still be engaged. Also, I instatly think people with big flashy rings are a bit stupid and shallow. I know I am being bitchy, but still..

sofato5miles · 25/06/2015 11:54

I love my engagement ring. I designed it myself and still love it, 10 years on. I do remember the covert comparisons going on when we all got engaged.

YANBU to feel undervalued, considering his own present to himself, the following month. You also have to wear it all the time, which will rankle.

I would tell him how upset you are and how it seems to signify how he under values you.

Stinkersmum · 25/06/2015 11:55

Just hang out for a really nice eternity ring Grin

scarletforya · 25/06/2015 11:56

Yanbu

Can't believe anyone thinks you are! You don't like it and he has plenty of money. He skimped on the ring which is just tight and doesn't bode well for the future.

He splurges on himself but buys you a cheap, miserable ring? Very unreasonable and selfish, him not you.

HipsterBeard · 25/06/2015 11:56

Yanbu not to like the ring, obviously, but surely, if it was important to you, and you had wanted to be sure that you liked something you were going to wear regularly on your hand, you would have been involved in its purchase? People's personal taste in jewellery varies so wildly, and its a bit of a tall order to second-guess something that's seen as so crucial.

And yes, as another poster said, it does sound as if you were contented enough with the ring until you found out how much it cost, and that it was ordered online, and now suddenly you are a size queen jealously peering at other people's hands.

What actual conversation did you have about this ring? Did he simply take you at your word as you conveyed that it wasn't important to you? And if it's now suddenly important to you, why on earth wouldn't you talk frankly to him about it, and suggest you buy another ring together? You think he was thoughtless, stingy and didn't put himself out for you, so why would you think he'd be terribly hurt if you talked to him about it? And if he knew you were tidying the invoices - as you say - then he must be ok with you knowing how much the ring cost...?

DJThreeDog · 25/06/2015 11:57

It wouldn't bother me at all, because I know my (now) DH would have spent what he thought was a reasonable amount that we could afford. All of our finances were already joint at that point though.

However, I did go with him to choose mine because I wanted something I really loved and I doubted his ability to find something like that!

hiddenhome · 25/06/2015 11:58

I can understand where you're coming from. My eternity ring was bought second hand from a shop and it's just a bit of rubbish really. Dh has quite a bit of money, but didn't act that enthusiastic about buying me a nice one, so I just chose this one. It's out of shape and one of the tiny diamonds dropped out. I never wear it now. Even he admitted it was just QVC quality. He spends lots of money on his hobbies and activities. It does feel a bit hurtful. It was bought for our 10th wedding anniversary and I spent more on his gifts and put a lot more thought into them.