To be disappointed by my engagement ring?

[SazMcStan]

I don't want to come across as some shallow, ungrateful bitch because I'm far from that! I've never really been a girly girl and never really been the type to want her OH to spoil her. We've been engaged for a year and I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it. My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

That being said, I was sorting out some papers and things and found the invoice for my ring. It wasn't hidden away, just left in a pile of bank stuff that my OH knew I'd been sorting. It turns out it was really cheap. As in i spent more on my OH's birthday present this year than he did on the ring.

Like I said, I've never been spoilt or acted as if that's something I want but I feel like my ring shouldn't have been ordered online and cost so little. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat and I hate that I do but finding out how little it cost makes me feel like it's not as special. OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring. My ring is small in comparison to all of my engaged or married friends which has always silently bothered me but now I just think that he has got a smaller, cheaper one because he doesn't think I'm bothered and won't make a fuss.

An engagement ring is something that should be special and I feel like it's turned me in to a monster. Thing is I know he could have afforded to buy a more expensive one but I think he's just seen it as not as important. It's upsetting that he spent quite a bit of money on himself so soon after when it was a stupid thing to buy and he's never even used it! I don't want to be one of those girls who gets mad about stuff like this! I know I'm being unreasonable and I would never, ever tell him that I know how much it cost or that I'm disappointed because it could hurt him.

The important thing is that we're engaged and going to be together but is it ok for me to just feel a bit let down?

I agree with you OP. My ring is quite simple and classic (and fairly small by some of the more flash ones I see about), but what I like about it is that my then DP put a lot of research, thought and effort into it, and really thought about what he thought I'd like, and got a perfect version of that. I think it's beautiful, but I love it even more for the thought behind it.

If I'd found out what you have, (I mean the lack of effort) I'd gel the same as you.

Lots of people on here think the cheaper the ring, the more valuable the marriage but this is bollocks.

Actually I disagree...the consensus seems to be "spend as much as you can on my ring or it won't mean a thing"

Can I add further, that I think losing the ring is a totally rubbish idea as it makes you into the thoughtless one & exonerates him.

Plus surely there is no room for this kind of deceit in your relationship?!

I think a lot of people seem to be married to people they don't know very well or be able to communicate openly with, and even seem to dislike, as well as feel unappreciated or insecure in the relationship. I think that is weird.

I'd be upset by this. I don't know if I'd suggest losing it as that is just a waste, but perhaps when you start shopping for wedding rings you could explain to him that it isn't really your taste, and suggest you could sell it and buy something that you really like along with your wedding ring? And if he's actually with you this time he won't be able to scrimp and get away with it!

"The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it."

The OP said she didnt like it in the first place, only what it symbolised

We got a small sum of money when DH's grandmother passed and rather than just add it to the pot for bills/day to day living, DH wanted to put it towards something significant and meaningful, thus we went engagement ring shopping. I chose one I liked (not too flashy, just from a high st jewellery chain). It came in two diamond sizes with about £300 difference in price between the two. We (happily) bought the smaller one and left the shop clutching the precious little bag giddy and emotional and starry eyed for each other.

Over lunch an hour or so later, DH just stood up and said he'd be back in a bit. He went and exchanged the ring for the more expensive one, saying that it was worth it for the rest of my life and he'd regret scrimping on it in years to come! It felt very romantic at the time!!

YADNBU in my opinion. Its not the ring itself but the thought behind it, which on the face of it, does unfortunately seem lacking. Make sure you go all out for your wedding band!

Don't wear it on your hand once you're married if it really bugs you that much.

Wasn't it a very smart advertising campaign (de Beers?) in the 50s which said you were supposed to spend a month's gross salary on an engagement ring?

OP put that to the test and see if YABU.

YANBU

I was in a similar situation. My ex-DP got one of his female colleagues (who didn't know me) to help him pick my engagement ring in an afternoon. He then spent 4 days researching speakers on the Internet and bought some that cost 5x the value of my ring (because music quality is important!)

It changed how I felt he valued me and our engagement

Coincidentally two of my friends (don't know each other) have recently got engaged.

One has a 10K engagement ring which is of course stunning and I did drool over it.. The other has a silver ring set with her birth stone and that just kind of tugs on my heart strings. To me it shows thought (she has a lovely birthstone though) but it's also practical to their finances - baby due in a few months etc..

Anyone can buy an engagement ring but not everyone can put such thought and meaning into it?

I know what option I'd prefer if ever my OH proposes I have a nice birthstone too and silver suits my skin tone much better than gold

From someone who doesn't have an engagement ring and whose wedding ring cost a tenner - I would be REALLY upset if I were you.

It's nothing to do with the actual cost.

• He spent a quarter of what he thought appropriate to spend on himself for a thoughtless, never-used treat. He ordered it online and clearly didn't listen to a thing you said re what styles you liked so I'd suspect it took ten minutes of sort - Price: lowest first - and bingo.

Awful.

BUT

If this is a red flag - ie if he's a tight git who cares less about you and the engagement ring he wants to give to his true love than he does about a flash toy... then this won't be the only sign of it.

So. Tell us:

what is he like as a partner in general? How do you split your money? Who does the housework and is it fair? Is he kind, supportive, listens to you, treats you as a friend as well as a lover, is he polite, does he treat others well, is he generous, is he fair?

Answer all those questions honestly. And then you will know if this is a blip or not. If it is, choose your own wedding ring and feel free to not wear the engagement one.

OP- really suggest you say something now. This won't go away, you will continue to think like this every time you look at it now.You could actually do something now, when longer you leave it, harder to change.
Totally understand your feelings entirely and he should want you to look at your ring forever and smile, feel special and proud of the effort/thought/care (and yes, cost!) that went into it.

£10k for a ring. when I went into de Beers she let me try on a two carat ring, not as a contender, just so I could see it. It was £26k. I have a picture of it on my phone.... but, who wears that kind of jewellery? And seriously, who has 10 grand or more to spend on a ring?

It amazes me that people talk about the effects of welfare cuts etc elsewhere on here and yet think that people should be paying thousands for a piece of metal with a shiny stone?

Don't get me wrong, I love expensive jewellery as much as the next person. But when you are building a life together the amount of money you spend on the ring is immaterial really. And how many people who expect their partner to buy them a £££ engagement ring would then go and spend the same on their partner for an engagement present?

I wonder what it cost.

And how many people who expect their partner to buy them a £££ engagement ring would then go and spend the same on their partner for an engagement present?

I was one of those Wannabe because DH spent a fortune on my engagement diamond, and spent hours choosing it and I wanted to return the gesture (and our finances allowed). On our wedding day I gave him a Tag Grand Carerra watch that he'd been lusting after. He only wears it in the evenings and lovingly places it in it's rotating watch holder box thing. Pretty sure he wants to be buried with it when he dies

OP, I get where you're coming from and I would be very hurt too with the lack of thought that has gone into what is an important gesture to you (and to lots of people, lets be honest).

I am a total magpie though and I love my big flashy diamonds. It might make me shallow but I'm a very lovely person despite all this! And certainly not stupid...

I think you're being very honest about how you feel, despite knowing logically that you are being unreasonable about comparing your ring to others and griping about the cost.

Quite honestly, you cannot say anything to your DP. If I was you, I'd choose a wedding ring that I really loved that looks a knockout on its own, then quietly stop wearing the engagement ring. I know countless people who only wear their wedding ring; many of whom opted not to have an engagement ring at all.

My engagement ring was £14.99. My wedding ring was £7.50. YAB a little U.

With the disclaimer that I've never got married or had an engagement ring, place no value on expensive jewellery and wear a £5 silver ring that I bought myself because I liked it... I understand you feeling hurt. It's a symbolic thing that is meant to be a big deal, and what you've found out makes it feel like it wasn't a big deal to him.

I think the advice to ask yourself about how he behaves generally is the right idea. Is this worrying you because you think it confirms something about him that you don't like? Or is it totally out of character?

I agree with scarlet. The fact he bought you a small mean ring (expecting you to wear it for the rest of your life) and splurged on himself on something less important is a really bad sign.
I think I would have to bring it up and at least have a discussion.
My DH is not a big present buyer but he got the importance of this one. We set a budget/size that was sensible for us and chose it together.

We really need to know how much it cost....................

I bought my own engagement ring. Dh thinks those sort of things are pointless. As it happens it got nicked the following year anyway and I got a new and better one on insurance.

YANBU feeling that way. I felt sad not to have a nice symbolic ring. I imagine it would feel a bit hurtful wearing a ring that says 'fuck it that'll do' rather than 'look how important you are to me' whenever you glance at it.

OP you've gone to great lengths to explain you're not a girly girl, your OH no doubt knows that then, as he knows you well and you talk. You mentioned your DSIS & SIL sent their rings back as they wanted flashier ones.....you possibly mentioned that in conversation to your OH in passing, as happens?

So - why would you then be surprised that your OH bought you something plain and simple, since the impression you give is, thats the kind of woman you are?

I can never understand why women will proclaim to be a certain way when really, they're not. What wrong with being yourself with a man? If you like fancy nice expensive things at times then let that come across. Men aren't mindreaders.

Im engaged and my ring is very plain. But Im not fussed at all about things like that. Doesn't mean another woman wouldn't want a flashier ring..why not, if thats her preference? The thing is though, I am REALLY not fussed..you are harbouring a feeling against your OH due to ring being a bit too meagre for you and thats sad, and a bit unpleasant. I guess you know that anyway but try to look at the ring for the sentiment it is, its bought now.

& don't put across that you're non-girly and into simple things, if thats not who you really are and you're going to be disappointed when you are taken at your word.

We really need to know how much it cost.....

I don't think we do need to know how much it cost. The cost really isn't the issue.

I totally understand why you're hurt OP. He put no thought into it whatsoever. I presume you'd feel similar if he went into the first jewellery shop he found, said 'bring me the most expensive ring' then bought that, even if it was something you'd hate.

It's a lack of thought and consideration and what that means. Talk to him or you'll resent it whenever you look at it. It's not the price, it's the thought and the effort.

(That said, my nosy-parker self wouldn't mind knowing how much he spent!)