To be disappointed by my engagement ring?

[SazMcStan]

I don't want to come across as some shallow, ungrateful bitch because I'm far from that! I've never really been a girly girl and never really been the type to want her OH to spoil her. We've been engaged for a year and I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it. My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

That being said, I was sorting out some papers and things and found the invoice for my ring. It wasn't hidden away, just left in a pile of bank stuff that my OH knew I'd been sorting. It turns out it was really cheap. As in i spent more on my OH's birthday present this year than he did on the ring.

Like I said, I've never been spoilt or acted as if that's something I want but I feel like my ring shouldn't have been ordered online and cost so little. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat and I hate that I do but finding out how little it cost makes me feel like it's not as special. OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring. My ring is small in comparison to all of my engaged or married friends which has always silently bothered me but now I just think that he has got a smaller, cheaper one because he doesn't think I'm bothered and won't make a fuss.

An engagement ring is something that should be special and I feel like it's turned me in to a monster. Thing is I know he could have afforded to buy a more expensive one but I think he's just seen it as not as important. It's upsetting that he spent quite a bit of money on himself so soon after when it was a stupid thing to buy and he's never even used it! I don't want to be one of those girls who gets mad about stuff like this! I know I'm being unreasonable and I would never, ever tell him that I know how much it cost or that I'm disappointed because it could hurt him.

The important thing is that we're engaged and going to be together but is it ok for me to just feel a bit let down?

My 1st engagement ring really was dirt cheap as we were young & it was all DH could afford at the time,I adored it & still have it. We chose the one I wear now when we purchased our wedding rings, it was a lot more expensive but doesn't mean any more than the 1st ring.
If you don't like the style then discuss it, gently, with DP-if it's the cost then that's a whole different story.

I liked his story until the 'so I spent the surplus on myself part'. Not sure about him OP tbh - sorry.

I agree. It's a nice, funny story until that bit - which indicates selfishness IMO.

He's played a blinder there!!

How is it a sweet story when he decided to spend the money on something frivolous for himself??!

You're going to wear this ring every day for the rest of your life. YAB a bit U about it not being as big as your friends as really it's the sentiment and what it means that is important (did he propose with it? Another ring wouldn't have the same significance) but it's clearly upset you and he does sound a bit of a cheapskate so I would say something to him. Maybe you could get a big sparkly eternity ring in a few years?

So he bought the cheapest ring he could find and thought he'd only upgrade if you reacted to his proposal by kicking up a stink about it. Then when you said you liked it out if politeness he rubbed his hands together at getting away with it and blew the rest of the budget on himself?

I guess it depends on what you want in a husband. My colleagues partner is a right Jack the lad and she loves telling us how useless he is, and how she's caught him out. Not my cup of tea at all, but some women seem to love a chancer.

No way. He's just cheap. And he thought he'd got away with it. I don't think that story is funny at all.

Put pressure on him to get you one you actually like. Don't pretend you're ok with it. It will niggle you forever unless you get a new one.

I totallly agree with wherediditall and I would not be at all happy as to how he went about it, ordering online, for so cheap and then laughing about it! How unthhoughtful especially when you coompare his expensive gift to himself which is now discarded.

YANBU. I know some men just don't 'get it' they are wired so differently. My husband proposed with a costume ring so we could pick one out together and 6 years on I still look at my ring every day and smile as I think it's beautiful. Both the stone and the story!!! You should have that feeling too! I think you should mention that for your wedding ring you fancy something different to a band and point out engagement rings that you really love, give him a bit of a nudge. You could move your original over to your other hand. Don't compare it to your friends though. Hope you sort something out though.

Yes that story is all well and good except the bit where he says "this ring is just temporary, we can go and choose one you really love" right after the proposal.

Again I think how I'd feel depends on what he's like generally. If he's generally selfish and unfeeling, I'd be concerned.

I think he was completely honest and not just thinking on my feet. He asked me at the time if I liked my rings do I said that I did, but that was five minutes after the proposal and I was still surprised so hadn't taken everything in. (It was also a few days after my sister in law ruined her own proposal by saying she hated the ring and wanted a new one so I didn't want to do that!)

I spoke to my friend last night and she thought it was hilarious. He even asked her to double check that I liked it a few weeks later when we were celebrating our engagement and I remember her asking me and I just said that it was nice and she said that OH would get me another if I didn't like it and to see the ring as just a temporary one for now but I didn't realise he'd put her up to it, I just thought she was telling me to get a new one if I didn't like it!

So she obviously went back and told him that I liked it and he decided to spend money on himself. She showed me their Facebook messages where she even agreed that he might as well treat himself. It doesn't make me worry about his spending habits as pp have suggested. We share all our finances and are both good with money but we both get bonuses as part of our jobs and we use that as our own 'treat' money. He doesn't expect me to tell him how I spend my own money and I don't expect him to do the same. It was just the fact that I felt he'd not put thought in to it when it turns out he did and we just got things a bit mixed up. We've said that when we go for wedding rings we'll look for a bigger one for me and I can wear my engagement ring on my other hand.

I think he feels really bad for putting me in this position in the first place and a bit embarrassed by it all. I do too! He said this morning before going to work that he didn't want me to feel bad and that the way i explained my feelings didn't make me look shallow and he was glad that I was able to talk to him about it. I never wanted to send my ring back, I just wanted to feel like he'd put effort in to it. He said that he chose this ring because it reminded him of a sparkly version of a plastic ring which he used to 'joke' propose to me after a few dates. It was just to embarrass me in a pub which it did but I've still kept the ring and actually it DOES look like it! And the reason he bought it online was because they didn't have my size in the shop.

It's not like I've spent all year secretly hating my ring. Like I said I've always appreciated what it represented and the effort that must have been put in to it, even if it wasn't the ring I'd have chosen, but yesterday I felt like I'd found out that he'd not been bothered to make an effort. But now I know that's not true and I overreacted a bit!

Thinking on HIS feet that should read!

That's an about turn and not what you said in your op.

You know he's cheap but if you want to kid yourself that's your choice.

Well as long as you're happy with it all then fine - it's your life after all. I think your friend has been a bit odd though - telling him to go treat himself - but then she was put in a bit of a tricky situation.

If you told him MULTIPLE times that you liked the ring, and he waited to make sure before spending on himself, there is no way he's being unreasonable.

Don't see how it's a good story to tell the kids, "he bought me a ring he knew I wouldn't like and spent the rest on himself".
It is not a charming story in the least!

Hmm - your friend thinks it's hilarious, your DH has reassured you that you're not being shallow - it sounds to me like you need to put yourself first in this one. Say that you appreciate the thinking behind it, but would really like a decent ring as you have to wear it for the rest of your life, hand it down to your DD etc. you can go and chose it together. I think its symbolic of how you negotiate the rest of your married life, where your needs are respected (by you and him).

If it was £50 Yanbu

How shallow. A ring does not need to be expensive to mean something. Money doesnt prove love and commitment.

Money doesn't prove love and commitment but skimping on something for your partner so you can buy something more expensive for yourself does indicate meanness.

It doesnt sound to me as if he did skimp though, he knows OP best you would think and the story seems quite plausible to me.

To bothered because everyone else has a bigger one is childish.

To not want to be like your grabby, demanding, spoilt, sister and sister in law is being an adult.

Your choice.

Saz, it sounds like he genuinely thought you liked the ring. My mum gave dh my grandmother's ring when we got engaged. I'm not that into jewellery but did feel a bit underwhelmed when we showed people (stupid valuer told me it was cheap. Bloody cheek!), silly of me really to feel that pressure. I think it still felt like someone else's ring, if that makes sense?

Anyway we got our wedding rings specially designed by a guy in dh's hometown. My ring has a stone and fits into granny's ring. I absolutely love them and the way they look together. Dh's is kinda pretty too ;-)

Just seen updates. Could go either way really. Seems like he's blind sided you rather than he is being the genuine, sweet, loving partner you've convinced yourself he is.

The thought behind the ring was that it was similar to one that he had given me a while ago and he didn't want to not propose without a ring. He planned to get another one and then I could wear this on my other hand but when I seemed to like it he decided not to. He bought it but was then told by my friend that I wouldn't like it, so asked me and then got her to ask me (granted we were drunk in the toilet of a pub!) both times I said I liked it. I've never hated it or wanted to get rid of it but when I found out that it was bought online and that he had wasted more money on something ridiculous for himself it made me think that he didn't think it was that important.

I think what my relatives did made it awkward for us both to bring it up. He didn't want me to think that he thought I was like them (which I'm really not) and so didn't push on asking if I really liked it, especially after being told I did and it was only yesterday when I first felt actually disappointed in the ring because of the apparent lack of thought. It is small and not exactly to my taste and yes, my friends have bigger ones which made mine look smaller but I never wanted to get a new one because of its appearance or size. I've not spent the last year full of resent about the ring and I really do appreciate that it's just a material thing and what's important is our relationship. He also didn't want to say "This is just a temporary ring" as he thought it would take away from the moment and thought behind it, which is why he asked my friend to, she just wasn't very clear. Had we both have been sober I might have been a bit more honest and said that it wasn't exactly what I imagined my ring to be like and she would have said that he was planning on getting another one anyway.

Now it's resolved though, and I think it's funny. And thinking about the thought behind it, it looks like a ring that he used years ago as part of a joke, I'm quite touched! I can't believe he remembers what the ring looked like. He only realised I'd kept it when I dug it out last night.

This is the first 'awkward' situation we've ever been in. Usually if there's an issue it just gets brought up by either of us and we talk about it. I don't know why we couldn't just talk about this!