To be disappointed by my engagement ring?

[SazMcStan]

I don't want to come across as some shallow, ungrateful bitch because I'm far from that! I've never really been a girly girl and never really been the type to want her OH to spoil her. We've been engaged for a year and I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it. My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

That being said, I was sorting out some papers and things and found the invoice for my ring. It wasn't hidden away, just left in a pile of bank stuff that my OH knew I'd been sorting. It turns out it was really cheap. As in i spent more on my OH's birthday present this year than he did on the ring.

Like I said, I've never been spoilt or acted as if that's something I want but I feel like my ring shouldn't have been ordered online and cost so little. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat and I hate that I do but finding out how little it cost makes me feel like it's not as special. OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring. My ring is small in comparison to all of my engaged or married friends which has always silently bothered me but now I just think that he has got a smaller, cheaper one because he doesn't think I'm bothered and won't make a fuss.

An engagement ring is something that should be special and I feel like it's turned me in to a monster. Thing is I know he could have afforded to buy a more expensive one but I think he's just seen it as not as important. It's upsetting that he spent quite a bit of money on himself so soon after when it was a stupid thing to buy and he's never even used it! I don't want to be one of those girls who gets mad about stuff like this! I know I'm being unreasonable and I would never, ever tell him that I know how much it cost or that I'm disappointed because it could hurt him.

The important thing is that we're engaged and going to be together but is it ok for me to just feel a bit let down?

I never wear mine op. Once we had babies, I found I did not like wearing a sharp ring. I also only had a cheap wedding band. Due to the fact that I have short stubby fingers, I don't suit wearing more than 1 ring on any finger. DH bought me a gorgeous eternity ring that looks like a wedding ring but set with 8 diamonds, and I know only wear this. It looks like a wedding ring but more bling! It also means a lot to me as he bought it for our anniversary after DD2 was born.

YANBU. I would be upset that it was bought online with little apparent thought. That said, I don't think most men 'get' how significant an engagement ring is. On the flipside, he will probably not be too upset if he hasn't invested much (time, effort or money) in picking it if you decide to change it. Do you know what you want? could the stones from the old ring be reused?

I think the thing that has upset me most is that I don't feel like he has put much thought in to it. We looked at rings a while ago and I pointed out ones that I liked and mine is nothing like them. Also, a girl I know has been going out with her boyfriend for a few months and he has bought her the same ring as a birthday present, so it feels like less of an engagement ring now.

The main reason I've not said anything aside from hurting his feelings is because I don't want to be compared to my relatives who were so ungrateful.

I like the idea of picking out my own wedding ring and it being more to my taste.

I've just had a thought though, I'm done sorting out the papers and stuff. Do I also sort the ring invoice and put it with the rest of our invoices and receipts or do I just leave it out and see if he mentions anything or do I hide it somewhere and pretend I never saw it?

I really think you need to reassess your priorities on this one. Why is it so important to you to have a more expensive ring? What will it make you feel if you do? More loved? More of a fiancé?

Can we play how cheap is your ring?
He got mine off eBay :( it's pretty nice but I would have liked a bit more effort :(

Just pretend you never saw it. How much was it anyway?

To me it depends on whether you think your dp got that ring because it was cheap, or because he thought it was the right ring for you. You know your dp so I'm sure you know what the answer is.

If you genuinely don't like the ring, as in actually do not like the way it looks regardless of the price, then you could be honest and say you'd like to go out and choose a ring togethertogether as a team. You are going to have to wear it for the rest of your life after all.

Personally, I'd say let's pick out an engagement ring or equivalent for him too. One of my problems with weddings is all this unequal romance stuff. It'd be nice if you both had an engagement thing

Yanbu but at all! Why not sell the thing he bought afterwards and buy your own? Mines not cheap, but I love it and it will become a family heirloom so I don't regret being 'shallow' in insisting on a biggy.

My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

I suspect your family has a culture of comparing and competing over engagement rings. It's a bit ridiculous.

Buy yourself a bigger one if you want to show off.

I think the lack of effort (ie not even going to a shop) and the fact that he bought something really expensive for himself that he doesn't use quite soon after would upset me a bit too. I don't think you are being shallow, I think you are thinking that he doesn't think you are important enough to warrant making the effort for.

That said, he may have thought you wouldn't be that bothered about the ring itself so he just got something relatively simple and cheap. ie thinking you are not driven in the same way as your friends.

Honestly, this will become less of an issue in time. It might matter now, for whatever reason, but in 5 or 10 years time your ring will simply symbolise what it stands for.

I had some 'quibbles' with my ring (which, I sort of chose anyway with DH) - in that it had to be repaired after a few months and I felt they'd botched that a bit. At the time it bothered me a lot that it wasn't 'perfect', now (12 years later) those imperfections are part of the ring's character (and no one else would notice them).

Also, TBH, I don't wear my engagement ring that much. It feels weird to walk around in everyday life with a diamond on my finger. My wedding ring (we chose ours together) is now far, far, far more important.

All that being said, these rings are just symbols. If I lost mine tomorrow I'd be sad, but not inconsolable. The relationship they stand for is much more important, and goes beyond rings, and wedding days and all that showy stuff.

Don't play games, OP. I think you should have a frank, honest conversation. Tell him that you love what the ring represents, but that it isn't to your taste and you'd like to either choose a wedding ring or ring set together. You could look for his ring at the same time, and maybe see about getting them engraved as part of starting this new part of your lives together.

And, off topic, but yes, Toys, you do sound bitchy and also unkind. I wear what you might consider to be a big, flashy ring. The centre stone is a large diamond which came from a ring that belonged to my mother, who died when I was a teenager. Since she never met my husband or got to attend my wedding, I am grateful that my ring is a constant reminder of her. Sometimes things are more nuanced than they may initially appear.

why didn't you choose the ring together and discuss the finances together? That would have solved the problem.

comparing with your mates is very childish.

what is the amount he should have spent to make you feel 'special'?

jewellery is obviously non-essential so there's no right or wrong amount to spend.

if something is bothering you, talk to your proposed life partner like adults. But I think you know the answer to this one.

it does appear that you have different attitudes to spending, and that DOES need discussing.

OP, I feel for you as this is a really difficult position. Reading between the lines, I don't think it's the ring that is bothering you, it's the fact that you feel your OH didn't put much effort (emotional or financial) into choosing the ring.

I don't think YABU. I think you should be honest with your OH and tell him how you feel.

I think people expect the kind of thought put in engagement rings that lots of men aren't going to do. It's nust a token to them and what matters more to them is the fact that you are wearing it and going round telling people that you are going to get married. They are happy to make that commitment publicly with you for ever and ever... eeeeek! So, I think guys who massively invest ito engagement rings are often "protesting too much" IYSWIM, so would not equate ring price with your own imporrance to him.

I'm with you OP. If he had no money is one thing, to just order some ring as a token act is another. To then by himself some unnecessary thing for 4 times the cost, I'd feel insulted. Loose the ring, then once your are over your lost ring sorrow, find a ring you like, then both of you go to the jewelry store.

YABU - I just think blokes genuinely have no idea sometimes (anyone see don't tell the bride last night- that bloke thought that a red and white high street dress was ok to choose for his wife's wedding dress...)

If it's really going to grate then I do think you need to say something. IMO an engagement ring should be something you choose together.

OR - have a flashier wedding ring? maybe one studded with diamonds?

OR - choose an eternity ring together that will go with the engagement ring?

You do come across as a bit sulky and shallow, although I appreciate that you're trying hard not to.

I don't know one person in real life who sent their engagement ring back and 'demanded a bigger and more expensive one', and yet you actually know two!

I'm wondering if mixing with people like that, is somehow clouding your feelings/judgement about your own?

You've never liked the ring itself. You like it even less now (some of your reasons are understandable).

Make sure you get a wedding ring of your choice and then just leave your engagement ring off because it doesn't 'go' with your wedding ring.

If you see a ring you like later that does suit you better, say you'd like it as an eternity ring and just wear the two.

TBH I'd also be having a good think about whether he's a tightwad in other ways and prioritises his own needs too often. Is he going to be the kind of husband/father who thinks it's ok to get the lion's share of the family's resources?

You don't need to be a girly girl to enjoy being treated sometimes. Treated/spoiled? Hmmm. They're an interesting pair of words.

*buy

If you share your finances, there is ni need fir anyone to be "treated". You just both have discussions on hugher price purchases and then buy what you like. I find that a more adult position.

Could you perhaps have a conversation along the lines of how much it means but that it won't go with the sort of wedding ring you had always dreamed of and wondered if as part of the wedding ring purchase you could change to a matching set, maybe have that one resized for your other hand?

I do agree that they are just symbols and the wedding ring is the most important in that respect, but I think you have to love the ring itself too, you want to feel the joy every time you glance down at it.

Jesus, sorry for copious typos!

Mine was ?70 and second hand and I love it because he bought it for me. We were at the time of him buying it living back with my mum because we couldn't afford to rent anymore and he had picked up a couple days of work a week. So he spent 1/2 of his wages on my ring, so although ?70 is nothing when it comes to jewellery , it was a large amount at the time.

My engagement ring is not to my taste. And if I am very honest, I was a bit disappointed that DH didn't make more of an effort / understand my taste a bit more.

But I chose my wedding ring. And an amazing eternity ring a few years later after DC1. I tend to just wear those. DH doesn't mind.... Or even notice!

And our relationship is the relationship I want. I couldn't have asked for better.

So focus on the important things. And the other stuff can be sorted later.