To be disappointed by my engagement ring?

[SazMcStan]

I don't want to come across as some shallow, ungrateful bitch because I'm far from that! I've never really been a girly girl and never really been the type to want her OH to spoil her. We've been engaged for a year and I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it. My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

That being said, I was sorting out some papers and things and found the invoice for my ring. It wasn't hidden away, just left in a pile of bank stuff that my OH knew I'd been sorting. It turns out it was really cheap. As in i spent more on my OH's birthday present this year than he did on the ring.

Like I said, I've never been spoilt or acted as if that's something I want but I feel like my ring shouldn't have been ordered online and cost so little. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat and I hate that I do but finding out how little it cost makes me feel like it's not as special. OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring. My ring is small in comparison to all of my engaged or married friends which has always silently bothered me but now I just think that he has got a smaller, cheaper one because he doesn't think I'm bothered and won't make a fuss.

An engagement ring is something that should be special and I feel like it's turned me in to a monster. Thing is I know he could have afforded to buy a more expensive one but I think he's just seen it as not as important. It's upsetting that he spent quite a bit of money on himself so soon after when it was a stupid thing to buy and he's never even used it! I don't want to be one of those girls who gets mad about stuff like this! I know I'm being unreasonable and I would never, ever tell him that I know how much it cost or that I'm disappointed because it could hurt him.

The important thing is that we're engaged and going to be together but is it ok for me to just feel a bit let down?

How about getting a very nice eternity rung and where that with a plain band? This is a very common combination in my home country and it looks very elegant, it has prescense.

An eternity ring is often more cost efficient than a single stone ring, bhm jewewllery quarter is amazing.

I understand how you must be feeling, I do.

Silly ipad sorry for typos

We do.....

I bought my own. When he proposed dh told me he had spent a long time looking but decided he was embarassed about what it meant in his culture, thought that I would hate it and couldn't bring himself to do it. He was fine with me getting one. I just wanted a sparkly diamond. Years later, he was right and I dont wear it.

I don't think an engagement ring has to be crazy expensive. One of my friends has a silver ring that cost about £12 and it's incredibly perfect for her because if the design. But I do think it's an Important Present worth more effort than your standard Christmas it birthday gift as it's a one off. In your shoes I wouldn't be happy because

• he spent more on himself shortly after;
• you spent more on his birthday, so in the context of your relationship, it isn't a Big Present in that sense; and
• it's nothing like the rings you had pointed out.

I could get over the second point pretty quickly if the ring was to my taste. But I'd be unhappy about the last point and altogether it doesn't build an impression of the ring being a symbol of a big moment in your relationship.

No idea where you go from here though!

Yanbu at all.

I totally get sheer you're coming from, OP. About six months before I got engaged, my brother asked me to help him choose a ring to propse to his girlfriend. He had a small budget, but it was every cent he had available. He was so excited to get her the nicest ring he could manage and we spent hours getting the best ring we could find. I was charmed by the effort he wanted to make and how special choosing this ring was to him.

I got engaged some time afterwards. My ring was around three times the price of my sister in laws. But it was bought with a sense of duty rather than excitement, I was given a budget and a day we could buy it on, he wasn't really excited about the purchase or the occasion which meant that some of the good was taken out of it.

I suppose we'd all love our fiancés to enjoy this occasion and get excited about having the golden opportunity to buy us this one special thing, in truth, it's very easy to be on the receiving end of a gift worth a couple of grand and get excited.

But what you can't buy is the feeling that someone really wants this to be special for you, that they really want to give you the best they can. When that's missing, it's hard to love the begrudgingly given present.

I upgraded my ring. Paid for it myself. I bought my wedding ring. I would recommend it. Get what you actually want, especially if any ring you get is never going to be a gesture from the heart.

Also, don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you that you have to be eternally grateful for any bit of rubbish someone decides to throw at you. You really don't.

Cost shouldnt matter, when we first got engaged I only had a cheap one wasnt my first choice but had new baby on way, I made do was a little embarrased when people would ask about it but 2 years later when we set the date for the wedding he took me to the jewllers as a surprise and I chose a beautiful one still wasnt overly expensive but I liked it and money was an issue didnt want him spending a fortune then been short rest of the month. I still wear my old ring for sentimental reasons on my other hand.

Not sure what you can do about it other than drop a few hints, maybe next time your in town look in some jewellers windows and say something like that is beautiful, see if he twigs on

I don't see why you can't politely bring it up and ask what he would think if you got another one. Have you seen one you like?

I think that if he really thought that OP would like it then the fact that it didn't cost too much isn't so important.

If he limited what he would spend so that he could also splurge on himself, then maybe not so good.

This would niggle at me a bit too. In fact we bought my ring together, DH paid on credit card and as the higher earner I ended up paying the lion's share of our wedding costs. Doesn't bother me now as we share everything but at the time I felt a little about it.

I agree with those suggesting a lovely wedding ring, and maybe ditch the engagement ring when you marry.

OP are you coming back?

Dh bought my ring and I love what it symbolises. It was cheap and It's not my style at all, but that is irrelevant to me as it not jewellry in my eyes but a symbol.

I don't think yabu and I would feel similar in those circumstances. I am not a girly girl either, don't have any of the girly things my friends have but I do have a nice engagement ring which we chose together and I treasure it. Having said that, an adorable young guy who works with dh bought an engagement ring on Amazon for his adored fiancee - we were all a bit surprised that he was so open about doing that, but honestly he could not love her more and the fact that the ring was bought from an online retailer definitely should not worry her, if she knows.

YANBU. BUT please don't lose it - if I were him, it wouldn't encourage me to get another ring when you were so "careless" with the first.

Is it possible / practical to trade it in for something you prefer? You are unlikely to get the shop price if you sell it secondhand.

Earlier in the thread, someone mentioned the Duchess of Cambridge's ring. I thought using that ring was incredibly clever of her:

• if they'd bought a fancy diamond ring people would have talked about them being parasites in a time of austerity;
• it (presumably) was important to him so she gets to wear something he would like;
• aristocrats are a bit different - they may find brand new, solitaire rings a bit "vulgar"; and
• it was INCREDIBLY expensive (currently valued at around £250k I think) so a real waste if not used.

Sorry, it's a bit off topic. But you can tell I've thought about it a bit.

For someone who doesn't want to come across as shallow and ungrateful, you are coming across as extremely shallow and ungrateful.

Wow! I did not expect this many replies! A lot of mixed thoughts but thank you everyone for the advice and sharing your own experiences with me.

I spoke to him about it when he got home. He actually brought it up when he saw that I'd got round to clearing through the bank stuff. He asked if I saw it and I said that I did and then just said how I felt. He laughed when I said I felt bad for acting spoilt and shallow and said that I was in no way acting like that. He just said that he thought that I wouldn't like it in the first place when he got it but wanted to propose with a ring. Apparently he showed my best friend and she told him it wasn't me but he decided to go with it and let me pick a new ring out after the proposal, so this ring was more of a temp, but I seemed so happy with it he decided that he'd spend the more of the budget on something else for himself! He thought id be ok to say I didn't like it so assumed that I did.

Because of the mix up and funny story behind it I quite like the ring now! He said we can get a new one but I never wanted him to do that in the first place, I think I just needed to vent my disappointment at feeling like he wasn't thinking about me when he actually was.

I feel awful for doubting him in the first place! And I should have been honest from day one about it! It'll be a good story to tell when our LO gets engaged!

Thank you so much everyone :)

There is something that doesn't feel quite right there... He just confirmed he didn't care, he no longer planned to get a better ring (he spent the money for it, long before today's conversation), and you like that story so much that now you like the ring.

Forget about the ring, braze yourself for what's to come.

He sounds like he thinks on his feet.........

If DP had pitched up with a hula hoop he'd have gotten short shrift. That said, if all we could afford was a hula hoop, that would be a different matter altogether.

I spoke to DP long before we got engaged (took a while for various other expensive reasons). He indicated he wanted to get engaged and asked about rings. I suggested the options of buying the shiny diamond or going with an alternative stone - but explained that if the budget was low, I'd rather have a lovely sapphire / emerald / ruby than a tiny or cheap diamond. He opted for the diamond but it was his choice.

Why at no point did he say "This is just a temporary one. I'd love to go pick one with you" or something when he proposed? No I'm sorry... I think the actual truth is something more like "let's see if she likes this one and then I don't need to spend more... sweet she loves it. Let's get something for myself now!"

Surely in that scenario he would have given you the option of choosing a new one just in case you were being polite? To not mention at the time that your ring was temporary is odd.

He thinks fast I'll give him that.

YADNBU. Completely understand where you are coming from. I know it's not an easy conversation to have with him, but I think you should explain how you feel. It's totally justified.

My fiancée didn't get me the biggest diamond, but he designed the ring himself, and spent everything that he could afford on it. It makes it so special.

Get a nice big new one and keep the other one on the other hand, then you've got the ring for funny story purposes but you also have a nice new ring that you actually love, rather than think is ok.

I liked his story until the 'so I spent the surplus on myself part'. Not sure about him OP tbh - sorry.

My engagement ring is made from the diamonds of my grandmothers engagement ring. Wasn't expensive at all, but we designed it together, and it's lovely to know she was a big part of the occasion.