To be disappointed by my engagement ring?

[SazMcStan]

I don't want to come across as some shallow, ungrateful bitch because I'm far from that! I've never really been a girly girl and never really been the type to want her OH to spoil her. We've been engaged for a year and I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it. My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

That being said, I was sorting out some papers and things and found the invoice for my ring. It wasn't hidden away, just left in a pile of bank stuff that my OH knew I'd been sorting. It turns out it was really cheap. As in i spent more on my OH's birthday present this year than he did on the ring.

Like I said, I've never been spoilt or acted as if that's something I want but I feel like my ring shouldn't have been ordered online and cost so little. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat and I hate that I do but finding out how little it cost makes me feel like it's not as special. OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring. My ring is small in comparison to all of my engaged or married friends which has always silently bothered me but now I just think that he has got a smaller, cheaper one because he doesn't think I'm bothered and won't make a fuss.

An engagement ring is something that should be special and I feel like it's turned me in to a monster. Thing is I know he could have afforded to buy a more expensive one but I think he's just seen it as not as important. It's upsetting that he spent quite a bit of money on himself so soon after when it was a stupid thing to buy and he's never even used it! I don't want to be one of those girls who gets mad about stuff like this! I know I'm being unreasonable and I would never, ever tell him that I know how much it cost or that I'm disappointed because it could hurt him.

The important thing is that we're engaged and going to be together but is it ok for me to just feel a bit let down?

Ps. I also know someone who's husband wanted to upgrade the diamond in the ring, I think he did do it on one anniversary. I believe it was his idea, and because he wanted her to have a large stone when he proposed but didn't have money for it.

As Director says it really depends on whether he is a tightwad or selfish in other areas. I would feel the same as you in your position and I would probably have to say something. Don't leave the invoice out - that's pretty PA. Either talk to him about it or don't.

DH got help from a female friend when he picked mine, and it's more than I ever dreamed of, proper Fox's Glacier Mint! The female friend (who had been married for years and had 2 kids) decided she needed an upgrade after seeing mine and marched her DH down the shops for more diamonds... the point being that comparison is the thief of joy! (Oh and apparently upgrades are a "thing")

I got a tin foil spur of the moment ring. We were piss poor but wanted to be married. Eventually I will get one, and it will be BIG!!!

But I would be disappointed with you. My ring was sweet and thoughtful because of the circumstances we were in at the time. Yours sounds a bit unthoughtful! Which isn't cool.

Hmmm how much was it?

If it was £50 Yanbu. If it was £5000 Yabu.

If you didn't like the ring I think you should have said at the time that you would prefer to choose one together. Saying now that you don't like it isn't really on as it seems you are only saying this as it wasn't an expensive ring.

What about getting a really lovely wedding ring, perhaps with stones in, you could then just in time stop wearing the engagement ring and just wear the bling wedding ring.

Sounds like your dp knows nothing about rings or diamonds and just went on
Line and got one, job done.
Shopping together for the ring is really nice, we made a lovely day out for ours. Enjoy shopping for a wedding one together and go large if that's what you want.

The right thing to say is YABU because that's what society dictates for nice girls: be grateful he wanted to marry you after all, and don't compare, you have a ring and that what counts.

So I am going to be very unreasonable and tell you that if he had the money to get you a proper ring and choose to give you a cheap one, you can also choose not to wear it and get a better one.

We all think that men go around hundreds of shops trying to find the one their loved one would like. They don't, for most the ring doesn't have the same meaning as it has for you: for you is a sign of commitment and love, for them is a stupid loop they need to jump through, just a expensive piece of metal with a transparent stone.
Ask for a replacement, unless you want to have bad memories every time you look ar your hands.

Another idea, lose the engagement ring! Drop it down the plug hole, lose it in the swimming pool/sea , whatever.

YANBU. As much as I'd love to say that it wouldn't matter to me, it would. I would feel let down too. An engagement ring doesn't have to cost the earth but an online 'cheapie' would hurt me too.

You're going to get a roasting on here though for feeling the way you do

Yanbu OP- that he spent more on something just the next month I would be quite upset by. Make sure you have lots of input into the wedding ring and maybe bring this issue into conversation? He might just have different priorities to you and not have actually thought "Saz will want to wear and love this for the next fifty years". Lots of people don't wear their engagement ring once they are married too.

My own ring is quite small but looks just perfect alongside my wedding and eternity rings... Though now I realise upgrades are "a thing" I am intrigued..

I feel the same OP, and I don't think YABU.

my ebay special was less than 15 GBP. He promptly went to buy himself hobby stuff worth 10 times that.

(yes i know, I have a DH problem, not a ring problem :D)

Op you do know that jewellery is grossly over priced and that it is practically worthless as soon as you walk out of the shop with it? The idea that one must spend £££ on a diamond engagement ring is a concept which was invented by de Beers in the 1930's in order to inflate the diamond prices and make them more coveted.

Nothing wrong with buying an expensive engagement ring if that's what someone wants, but ultimately it is the thought behind it and what it represents that counts. I can't help feeling that you were happy with the ring until you realised how much it cost. Fwiw when I looked at engagement rings recently we went into de Beers (just because we could), and I tried on some tiny ones which were upwards of £5k. if you'd found out that it had cost thousands would you have felt less put out about it I wonder?

I recently got engaged to dp, and he wanted me to be involved in choosing my ring because as he said it's something which I intend to wear for ever. Also with me because I am VI I couldn't just look in windows and point out nice rings to him so the choosing process was something which he wanted me to be involved with. I love my engagement ring, and he did want me to have a nice one (nothing as extortionate as the de beers ones though, not even close), but if he'd chosen me a "cheap" one I would still have loved it because of what it represents. In fact we discussed not having an engagement ring at all, but he wanted me to have one.

I recently had some jewellery valued and it turns out it is pretty much worthless compared to how much it cost to buy. It's given me a far different perspective on the value of jewellery tbh.

just get a bling wedding ring?

I think the time to tell him you didn't like it was when you first got it.

I think you now like it even less because you've found out the cost.

I know in America there is a "rule" about how many % of his yearly salary the engagement ring should cost, and that it is a symbol if hus capability to provide fir the family. I think that is fucking awful, as well as stupid.

I'd like to see a picture of it!

If it's any consolation, it'll have been much more £££ than my engagement ring. I didn't get one!

I did get a diamond set wedding ring and just recently I designed an eternity ring to go with it and I love it it.

The people I went to were:

www.purelydiamonds.co.uk

They do a fabulous bespoke service!

Sounds like you were, in essence, happy with it until you found out how much it cost, so yes, YABU.

Mine cost less than 100gbp 20 odd yrs ago. I choose it. I love it because it is mine & because of what it symbolises.

I don't see why rings need to be flashy & massive, to me, that's more a bragging practice, than anything to do with symbolism.

I find that sad.

I would like it even less after finding out the cost, if it were me.

Because the cheapness symbolises a lack of thought and love and care, to me. An engagement ring doesn't have to be a giant expensive rock, but if my husband had spent less than is spent on his birthday present that year, I'd feel very very hurt.

My brother gave my (now) SIL £75 and told her to 'go to the shops to find a ring as he was watching football'.

My H spent about 3x his monthly salary on THE most beautiful expensive ring for me and spent ages looking around the shops to get an idea of what I liked. He bought me a claw set solitaire diamond, which I asked to change to a solitaire with a rubover setting as I am clumsy and knew I would damage the claw setting he originally chose.
So, expensive and I guess I was 'picky' too.

Guess which couple are still together and which about to separate?

Don't worry about the ring.

Get a fab wedding band and be happy with that one.

YANBU at all. I think that the people on this thread who are suggesting that you are sulking because your ring is not flashy enough are totally missing the point.

The tellling part is this:

OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring

I absolutely understand why you feel upset. The question is, is it in character for him to treat you this way? Or was this perhaps a one-off aberration, where he had no real idea about how an eng ring should be different from a run of the mill piece of jewellery, or maybe he thought that was genuinely the style you'd like - men are really pretty clueless about jewellery.

However I am afraid that the image I am getting is of a guy who buys his sweet and trusting gf a bit of cheap crap and then sniggers to his mates about how he got away with all that "one month salary" shit that other men are forced into.

I think that in your position I might decide to have a calm discussion with him about it. How close is the wedding?

I'm just that people would demand an upgrade on an engagement ring ! The person you're wanting to spend the rest of your life with has chosen this ring and hopefully a lot of thought and care went into it.

No way would I be wanting an upgrade ! The price should be irrelevant.

Yes I think you've missed the boat on this one. Too late to bring it up now I'm afraid.

I got a piece of copper pipe loving cut to ring size when I got engaged, then an instruction to go off to the shops and pick what I wanted within a reasonable but not huge budget. I trained him well .

I'm not posting a picture of this to be boastful as my ring won't be everyone's tatse but it always upset me that I didn't get a gorgeous engagement ring to 'show off' to people and have them admired.

When we were in a position to afford it, I designed what I wanted as stated above.

Dh and I are paying for it together. The picture is a cad image that the company sent based on my requirements.

I feel sorry for men sometimes with all the pressure to produce £££ rings for their girlfriends and wives!

differentnameforthis

Sounds like you were, in essence, happy with it until you found out how much it cost

You're missing the point. It is not that she now dislikes the ring because she knows it is not as good quality as she thought it was. The point is that she has learned that the value that he placed on the lifetime symbol of their engagement is a quarter of what he spent on some random gadget for himself.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas - why does a "sign of commitment and love" need a mega price tag? And no, we don't see it as a loop to jump through - it's our expression of a commitment, a promise; my DW's ring cost a bob or three (not the point), and we chose it together; it means as much to me as it does she.
Oh, and how very dare he spend some of his own money on him?
Is equality a moot point when the subject of diamonds is raised? Is your "yes" answer a commodity to be bought with a rock?

I agree with Jessie. The problem here isn't the cost of the ring as such, but what his spending over those months implies about his priorities.

What is he like about finances in other ways? Do you think he'd be the type to be constantly buying himself new toys ahead of things the family needs? Or do you think he's just a bit prosaic and practical and didn't see the point in spending more?