To be disappointed by my engagement ring?

[SazMcStan]

I don't want to come across as some shallow, ungrateful bitch because I'm far from that! I've never really been a girly girl and never really been the type to want her OH to spoil her. We've been engaged for a year and I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it. My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

That being said, I was sorting out some papers and things and found the invoice for my ring. It wasn't hidden away, just left in a pile of bank stuff that my OH knew I'd been sorting. It turns out it was really cheap. As in i spent more on my OH's birthday present this year than he did on the ring.

Like I said, I've never been spoilt or acted as if that's something I want but I feel like my ring shouldn't have been ordered online and cost so little. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat and I hate that I do but finding out how little it cost makes me feel like it's not as special. OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring. My ring is small in comparison to all of my engaged or married friends which has always silently bothered me but now I just think that he has got a smaller, cheaper one because he doesn't think I'm bothered and won't make a fuss.

An engagement ring is something that should be special and I feel like it's turned me in to a monster. Thing is I know he could have afforded to buy a more expensive one but I think he's just seen it as not as important. It's upsetting that he spent quite a bit of money on himself so soon after when it was a stupid thing to buy and he's never even used it! I don't want to be one of those girls who gets mad about stuff like this! I know I'm being unreasonable and I would never, ever tell him that I know how much it cost or that I'm disappointed because it could hurt him.

The important thing is that we're engaged and going to be together but is it ok for me to just feel a bit let down?

Let's be generous to your fiancé and assume he just didn't think you were into jewellery. The problem is you didn't speak up before. I have a beautiful engagement ring that was much more than DH would have spent if sent out alone - but fortunately for him I was by his side, helping him not to make a mistake.

I would say you hadn't realised how much you liked jewellery and get a diamond eternity ring for your wedding band.

Lots of people on here think the cheaper the ring, the more valuable the marriage but this is bollocks.

People on here think the cheaper the ring, the more valuable the marriage but this is bollocks.

Ditto cheap weddings. I hate that smug, holier than thou attitude.

I have absolutely no idea how much my ring cost. It looks expensive, big-ish stone. It could be a one carat diamond and worth 5k or it could be a cubic zircona thing worth £50. But it doesn't matter to me.

i think you should tell your DP that you assumed the ring was just symbolic for the purpose of him proposing to you (as it cost so little) and now you are ready to choose something more to your taste that will go with the lovely wedding ring that you have chosen...

How is how much he spent a "sign of the value he places on the commitment"? Maybe he doesn't see the point in paying for a piece of jewellery when there are you know, houses to buy, cars, savings for your kids...

Don't see how anyone can moan "it's not expensive enough" unless you're really shallow and only want it to show off.

YANBU. If you were both broke, fair enough, but you're not, as shown by DP's treating himself to a 4x pricier toy within moments.

I'd be really shocked and hurt. Is he mean with other stuff?

Op you're About to marry this man. This isn't actually about the ring but how you think he has approached the task and therefore feels about you.

You may not want to 'seem' grabby, or like your family, or shallow or what have you, but this is the man that hopefully you'll be eating breakfast with for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. You HAVE to talk to him about it! Yes, it will be a tricky conversation. welcome to marriage .

The ring is a symbol, not a necessity, so as others have said, it's not so much the size/cost, it's the lack of thought that went into buying it which has slightly tainted your already unenthusiastic feelings about it. The symbolism says "you're not worth spending as much on as I am!"

It doesn't matter that it's small or plain, it matters that it was bought without seemingly much thought or love (the spending more on himself shortly afterwards pushes that point home to me).

In his defence, rings always look more spectacular in proper sales photography and even under shop lights than they do in everyday lighting, so it might be that it looked more impressive when he bought it.

My DP bought me an eternity ring which we chose together, we were both worried it was a bit too blingy in the shop as it was so much more sparkly than I'd been looking for! However, when he collected it it my size and presented it to me at home, we were both a bit disappointed that it didn't look as sparkly and OTT as it did in the shop!

It now looks at its most impressive in dodgy fast food joints, as McDs and KFC seem to have bright spot lights, so at least he saves money on eating out

Get yourself a lovely wedding ring and/or new diamond ring if it will make you happy. I smile everytime I look at mine and don't really want a different one when we get engaged as this one is beautiful and means a lot to me. I already do will swap it onto the other hand when we get properly engaged.

YABU if he bought the small ring because he genuinely thought you didn't care about jewellery. Honestly. I would have been disappointed if my DH had proposed with a massive rock with massive price tag, as personally I don't like diamonds much and would not want to wear something like that every day, and I'd expect him to know this.

YANBU if he's simply tight and bought the first random thing, as he couldn't bother to think about what you would like.

My DH proposed with a ring which was miles too big, when we went to get it resized I fell in love with a different ring which was more expensive. Thankfully DH wasn't offended and my wedding ring and engagement rings are the only jewellery I ever wear and I love them and what they symbolise.

I wouldn't expect DH to wear something every single day of his life without having some say in what it looked like.

and for those saying the OP seemed happy with the ring until she found out the cost, read the OP: The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it.

Op, just to add...I would have been offended if my DH splashed out on something 4x more than my ring the next month. Tight fistedness isn't an attractive quality.

lashes "How is how much he spent a "sign of the value he places on the commitment"? Maybe he doesn't see the point in paying for a piece of jewellery when there are you know, houses to buy, cars, savings for your kids..."

But he didn't save the money for his house, kids etc he spent it on something for himself which he never uses! He had spare disposable cash and didn't think that the highly symbolic purchase of an engagement ring which his DW would wear every day for the rest of their marriage lives was worth investing in.

Hmm these things tend to get ironed out beforehand by talking, unless it's not important to you then of course it doesn't.

Now that it's happened it's going to be hard to reverse but I quite like ketchups idea.

I'm a none girly girl. My engagement ring was cheap. I didn't care tbh but I totally understand why you do. It's the fact it looks like a cheap no effort thing I think. I don't wear mine now. I bought a wedding ring with diamonds in. I suggest you think about if it's the ring or the man that's the issue. If it's just the ring then buy a nice wedding ring and just wear that.

How cheap is it OP, under £20, £30 £50?

I would be very upset too if he spent more cash on himself the following month than on your ring.

(But this hits a nerve with me, as the Christmas before I divorced exH, I bought him a Satnav for over £100 & he got me a book from the High Street shop. With the £2.50 sticker still on it, in a genre I don't like & have never read.)

Is the ring totally a one off problem or a little thing amongst other little things?

Magic, but he obviously thought that the original ring was nice and it happened to not be expensive. If I see something that's nice and it turns out to be £60, I'm not going to think "damn I can't have that, better look for something that's £6,000 instead so people don't think I'm tight!". It's not that he scrimped on her ring SO THAT he could buy something for himself. Or at least I didn't get the impression from the OP

Well you are getting a wide range of responses OP.

YANBU

And I think given this has upset you and you really should speak to him about it. You are planning to spend a lifetime together. You can't start by carrying around resentment and avoiding issues, especially issues about money which can cause huge problems in marriages. And I guarantee that there will be times in a marriage where you have no choice but to bring up topics with your husband that you know will upset him even hurt him. In this case I am unconvinced he will be deeply hurt that you don't particularly like this ring which he has given you, which you don't feel he put much thought or cost into but nevertheless expects you to be wearing for many years. He may just not have thought it through at the time.

Perhaps if you worry about how to explain your feelings to him you could start by asking him where he bought the ring and how he chose it. That might give you an insight into his thought processes and you can work out how to proceed with the conversation.

15 years ago my husband proposed to me using an old silver ring he found in my jewellry box. I said yes, but was confused as I said that looks like a ring i already have with a bit of paper stuck to it. The paper said I.O.U engagement ring! He didn't want to buy me one because he wanted us to choose one together. We had a lovely afternoon shopping and found one I loved. As we were young and not well off, it was a small one but that suited me fine. The salesman in the jewellers was trying to get me to upsize the stone to a much bigger and more expensive one and my husband then fiance was asking me if I wanted the big one, and wanted to get it for me despite his natural thrifty tendencies. But I knew how much money we had for our wedding and I chose the smaller one, because we had planned the budget together. I liked the smaller one anyway and I have never regretted that choice in the slightest. I could afford a bigger one now but would never replace my original it is part of our story.

The differences between my story and yours is that my fiance, though clueless about such things, still really wanted to get me something that I would like and I didn't want him to spend money he didn't have or would worry about on it. OP talk to your Fiance honestly about your feelings and give him a chance to show he wants to do the same.

As pp have suggested LOSE the ring. No hurt feelings, no lifelong annoyance and make sure you both go to choose the next one.

YANBU.

An engagement ring is a symbol far more than it is a piece of jewellery. Before you saw that invoice, it symbolised "I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it.". Now, it symbolises "I don't feel like he has put much thought in to it." and "I think he's just seen it as not as important". It has reminded you that "We looked at rings a while ago and I pointed out ones that I liked and mine is nothing like them."

You would be a strange person indeed not to be saddened by this. What you thought was a symbol of his personal love now looks to be more of an indifferent afterthought . As I said, the ring is far more a symbol than a piece of jewellery.

Talk to him. Ask him why he bought this particular ring for you. It may be that there was something about it (other than the price) that made it seem to be the right one. It may be that his answer will make you happier with this symbol on your finger. Don't wave the invoice in his face at this point (but maybe keep it handy for later); you don't want to guide him to what his answer should be to keep you quiet happy. Let him explain what it symbolises to him.

Now, it may be that you will be happy with his answer, and that may make you happier with looking at the ring. Sorted. But it may be that you are not happy with his answer. In which case, there's a silver lining to the cloud. There is an issue, and before you are married is a good time to resolve it. Maybe you two have different attitudes to expressing yourselves, or spending priorities. Now, pre-commitment, is a good time to talk these issues through and to see where you stand on them. Has there been a basic misunderstanding? Is compromise possible? What do you both want from your future?

Talk to him. Otherwise it will fester and poison your relationship.

I think we need to know how cheap?

If he's ok in every other area then maybe this just was a blip.

Are you sure the invoice wasn't just the deposit.

I would definitely go together and choose my wedding band. I would choose one set with diamonds in the same metal as your engagement ring and wear the two together.

Your plain engagement ring will be the perfect compliment for your flashier wedding band.

I've been engaged twice. The second time I went into it with a fine tooth comb. We bought a diamond and then had the setting made to my design . I told oh I only wanted one ring and all the value in this ring which I never take off. I wanted a white metal so we chose platinum as then it doesn't have to be re plated every few years. I'm delighted with it. It's unique and unusual with a white and black diamonds set low so they don't get in the way.

Hopefully you can sort it to your satisfaction with no upset.

I had the opposite problem with mine. He put loads of thought and effort into it, he actually designed it himself and got a posh jewellers to make a bespoke ring.

Problem was, I hated it. It was really ugly and no one ever complimented me on it. It was the complete opposite of what I'd have chosen.

We split up (not because of that) so at least I don't have to wear it anymore.

At least you kind of like yours.

This isn't about the ring, is it? It's about this:

"OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring."

If you were just both poor, and the ring was what he could reasonably afford at the time without getting into money troubles, you would be unreasonable. But that's not the case. Basically, he had a load of money and chose to spend it on himself rather than on you - and not on anything necessary, but on something crappy that he didn't need. And you found out, and it's made you feel like he doesn't really take this seriously.

I think this IS selfish behaviour and I am not surprised that you're feeling a bit upset.

Are there other places where this financial inequality persists? Are you one of those women who is always going without while her partner buys himself anything he wants?

I'd feel exactly the same, OP.

It sounds as if he's a tightwad unless it comes to stuff for him.

Maybe get chatting..... "Aww, I've been reading mumsnet and someone's DH chose the engagement ring because it was a replica of his mum's....isn't that nice?! What made you choose mine?"

If you get "Because it matches your eyes exactly! Haven't you noticed??"
or similar, fair enough.

If you get "Erm.....I don't know really" or "It was in a sale" then respond with "Oh so it didn't take much thought then......that's good actually because it makes me feel better about telling you that I don't like it. It looks cheap and I feel that's an indication of your attitude to our relationship and I want another one"

Or lose it.