To be disappointed by my engagement ring?

[SazMcStan]

I don't want to come across as some shallow, ungrateful bitch because I'm far from that! I've never really been a girly girl and never really been the type to want her OH to spoil her. We've been engaged for a year and I've always loved my engagement ring because of what it stands for and because it's off someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The ring itself I've never been a huge fan of, it looks quite small and plain but I've never told my OH this because I assumed he'd searched around jewellery shops for the perfect ring and he felt this was it. My sister and sister in law both sent their rings back and demanded bigger more expensive ones which I would never dream of!

That being said, I was sorting out some papers and things and found the invoice for my ring. It wasn't hidden away, just left in a pile of bank stuff that my OH knew I'd been sorting. It turns out it was really cheap. As in i spent more on my OH's birthday present this year than he did on the ring.

Like I said, I've never been spoilt or acted as if that's something I want but I feel like my ring shouldn't have been ordered online and cost so little. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat and I hate that I do but finding out how little it cost makes me feel like it's not as special. OH bought himself a completely unnecessary item the month after we got engaged costing four times as much as the ring. My ring is small in comparison to all of my engaged or married friends which has always silently bothered me but now I just think that he has got a smaller, cheaper one because he doesn't think I'm bothered and won't make a fuss.

An engagement ring is something that should be special and I feel like it's turned me in to a monster. Thing is I know he could have afforded to buy a more expensive one but I think he's just seen it as not as important. It's upsetting that he spent quite a bit of money on himself so soon after when it was a stupid thing to buy and he's never even used it! I don't want to be one of those girls who gets mad about stuff like this! I know I'm being unreasonable and I would never, ever tell him that I know how much it cost or that I'm disappointed because it could hurt him.

The important thing is that we're engaged and going to be together but is it ok for me to just feel a bit let down?

Umm, I don't think the OP knows her fiance very well. Otherwise she would know the reasons for the ring being what it is or at least have a good hunch and be easily able to talk to him about it. She also's not sure if she likes his spending habits, and doesn't know whether he appreciates her enough or knows her needs and tastes well enough. I suggest that she finds out more about him and they both get to know each other better before committing any further.. a ring us just a tip of the ice berg of decisions you make in a relationship..

I don't particularly like my engagement ring and it's quite small. But it was my husband's grandmother's and she left it to him to give to his wife so I value it for that. If you don't like it and there's no meaning to it then you aren't BU to be disappointed but you do need to address it.

I thought that it was only in films that the OH produced a ring!
I thought that most couples chose them together.

You should be able to tell someone that you are intending to spend the rest of your life with that something isn't to your taste.

I don't think you're being at all grabby OP.

If he's using a ring as part of a traditional proposal then that ring is part of a grand gesture that you may only experience once in your life. That doesn't mean it necessarily needs to be expensive but as it's something you'll be wearing every day, he should have at least known you enough to get something you'd like.

My ex proposed to me with an expensive but bloody horrible ring. We'd discussed rings in the past so he knew I wanted a simple white gold solitaire ring. He proposed with a 5mm thick heavy platinum band with 5 diamonds set into it so they lay flush with the metal.

If you loved the ring, I'm certain you wouldn't care what it cost. But the fact is, as you don't like the ring you do care. Because if he'd been willing to spend a bit more on you, he could have bought you something you'd love.

Hm, it's not about the value and the number of £££ s the ring cost though, is it? If the OP's DP had spent all his free time browsing for the right ring that he knew she would love, and it happened to cost £10 from a charity shop, it wouldn't have mattered because he'd bothered . There would be a sentiment behind it that money can't buy.

There's absolutely no effort involved in ordering any old thing off the Internet, and if it was a cheap buy then he can't even argue that he worked hard to afford it!

I think I would feel short-changed too, but not because of the money, because of the lack of thought and effort.

I wouldn't have been bothered by the cost or size, as long as I had been able to choose the ring myself. My engagement and wedding rings were not expensive at all. The wedding ring, which is a twist of red and yellow gold cost £52. I love them as they were exactly what I wanted. Tricky though now he has gone ahead and ordered it without consulting you.

Maybe he thought about it and just got it wrong? I've explicitly TOLD DP what I want, because if I left him to his own (well meaning) devices, he'd probably buy completely the wrong thing!

Just be grateful you aren't Kate Middleton. A second hand ring from a doomed marriage

Good cross-post with chicken

My ring was relatively cheap, incomparrasion to our income and other expenditures but chosen with huge care by my DH before he proposed. The value doesn't bother me because I recognise the care.

But like so many others op Im wondering how cheap this was? £10, £100, ££1000, £10,000? If it was only £10 Id be upset regardless to be honest and it makes you seem relatively less or more unreasonable,

Yeah, I've never been keen on that royal ring. Sorry KM if you're reading, could you lose it and get something else on the insurance?

I think that one of these would be a lovely wedding ring ...
www.shaunleane.com/shop/bridal-jewellery/white-gold-1-00ct-interlocking-solitaire-ring-set.html

Otherwise, what Corygal said. Its the lack of effort really. I have an ex who was the opposite in many ways but it was always a case of "I haven't been arsed to do anything about your present so I've run out at the last minute and just thrown money at the problem" sort of attitude. Nothing I received had clearly ever been thought about in regard to my taste, or practicality or was in anyway personal to me.

Re the receipt. If it needs to be listed on your home insurance [sounds not but maybe you were expecting a £40k sparkler] then I'd do that and then file it. Not worth bothering about.

Otherwise, you need to decide what you are going to do about it if it is bothering you. Lots of choices open to you.

heels good idea re losing the ring (only if it's a really cheap one though) (oh actually maybe just pretend it's lost).

My DH proposed with a plastic blingy ring from Claire's and then I chose my ring. He also chose his engagement gift as well - it wouldn't have been fair for just me to get something!

Dora that's good actually because it makes me feel a lot better about telling you I don't like it

I do have sympathy for you OP and I don't blame you for having a little wobble about the ring, but on the whole I think YABU.

It's only a ring, not a symbol of your whole relationship. I don't even have one but we're still bobbing along nicely after 14 years.

Honestly, if you have to rely on a ring as test of how much your partner loves you then my advice is not to get married before you learn how to communicate better.

I didn't like my ring, it just wasn't me, or something I'd ever choose to wear. We went and choose one together (and it was cheap, £100) and he wears the original.

I never wear my engagement ring now I'm married - the sticking out stones got in the way, do you think you will?

What about a ring set for your wedding choose an eternity ring at the same time or diamond set wedding ring along with diamond earrings to complete the look.

Are you sure that this isn't a wobble about feeling you STBDH respects you sufficiently?

I didn't like my engagement ring, so I stopped wearing it when we got married. I don't think it was hugely expensive, but if it had been, I wouldn't have liked it more. DH did get me a very nice eternity ring to take its place when we had our first child.

Sharon Yy to that!

I expect that William probably adored his mother and gave his wife to be her ring as a gesture re that.
Also that 'Diana's ring' was pretty iconic and it was a way of keeping her memory going / her being 'part' of things.

Was Diana wearing it when she died?(how sad if so).

Get yourself a kickass diamond wedding ring.

I actually think wedding rings look better on their own....if I'd thought about it id have gone for a diamond band

My engagement ring was cheap and from Argos. Never bothered me.

I'm rather in agreement with TedAndLola who said:

^If he did it because he's tight and doesn't care about you, YANBU.

If he did it because he didn't think it would matter to you (which sounds like the case) YABU.^

I agree that he didn't seem to put much thought into it, but my DH would probably have done something similar because he'd be thinking that doing it that way is ok. Having said that, I didn't even get an engagement ring, but I chose the wedding ring I wanted, which cost all of £50. And years later I decided I wanted an eternity ring, so I bought one myself, second hand off ebay for £28. I know my DH loves me, but he's just a bit rubbish at certain things!

MamehaSan - I think your post nails it. It's not the cost of the ring per se but the fact that he chose to spend the money on himself instead AND doesn't seem to have put much thought or effort into choosing it. I think 'losing' it is a great idea.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the original ring purchase, I can't believe both the OP and other posters are advocating juvenile game-playing like 'accidentally' losing the ring.

OP, you're planning to marry this guy - why can't you have a frank, adult conversation with him about the ring and your feelings, and the implications it may have for your possible shared finances in married life?

I can't help feeling that all that wallpapering about his possibly hurt feelings and not letting on you saw the invoice etc comes down to the fact that you feel that talking frankly about it makes you look greedy and shallow. Some people on the thread think you are being greedy and shallow, some don't - but only you can make that call.

You say you 'wouldn't dream of' behaving like your sister and SIL and asking your DP to get you another ring, but isn't that what you're contemplating, and looking for perspectives on here? You clearly feel the same way they did - disappointed with an engagement ring - so why are you so disapproving of the fact that they acted on their disappointment and replaced the rings with ones they liked better? What is disturbing you so much about the similarities in your situations?

How do you know no effort? Eg stuff ordered online can be personalised etc and a lot more thoughtful than just popping into local jewellers.

You need to ask yourself if this is really about the ring or actual wedding doubts. Overall do you agree on money eg household expenditure