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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to DH's friendship with another woman?

166 replies

Dontlikehisfriend · 25/05/2015 17:07

DH and I have been together for 20 years and have DC aged 12 and 14. We have grown apart a bit since having the DC and haven't had sex for several months, but we still get on fine.

He has become very friendly with DD's cello teacher over the past couple of years. They text one another a lot, and email; he also seems to find all kinds of opportunities to speak to her (apparently about DD). I've looked at his phone and computer (I know I shouldn't, but I'm too worried not to), and there's nothing at all sexual about any of their messages, though they mostly end with kisses. They seem to send one another stuff like funny headlines and jokes, and there's nothing romantic there - but I hate it all the same.

I did tell DH that I'm not happy about it, and that he wouldn't like it if I had that kind of friendship with another man - but he said I was making mountains out of molehills, and that they're just friends. He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now. I think it's disrespectful to me to continue this friendship even if there's nothing affair-ish about it, because it makes me unhappy - but he thinks it's disrespectful to him to suggest that there's anything in it other than friendship.

What do you think? AIBU to object to it?

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 25/05/2015 17:10

I think he should care that it bothers you, even if he's not having a physical affair or an emotional affair, he should understand that it's going to hurt you to see your husband putting emotional energy into cultivating a closeness with another woman while drifting apart from you. Of course you're going to wonder why if he can do that, he can't choose to bring that to your relationship instead. Or first. Or even just also.

CalleighDoodle · 25/05/2015 17:12

Ooooh difficult (and will be interesting to read the reaponses after the opp pov thread this weekend). If something your husband is doing makes you uncomfortable, and isnt that important to him, i think he should stop.

ImperialBlether · 25/05/2015 17:13

Absolutely agree with Fenella.

He is drifting away from you whilst forming a close relationship with her. Why would you NOT be bothered about this?

Original poster
Dontlikehisfriend · 25/05/2015 17:14

I agree with you both. So what scares me a bit is why he's carrying on. Why does it matter more to him than how I feel? But this is why I wonder if I'm BU about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontlikehisfriend · 25/05/2015 17:15

Crossed posts, Imperial! Maybe I'm not BU. Maybe he is. DC back now so I will check in later!!

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 25/05/2015 17:15

I would be very unhappy about this, the emotional connection between them would hurt me a hugely.

Sparrowlegs248 · 25/05/2015 17:16

The kisses would bother me.

Also, you can't really help how it makes you feel. And the fact that you are drifting apart and not having sex probably makes it seem worse - that he is putting effort into this friendship instead.

I don't think saying 'if something was going to happen it would have by now' was the most constructive thing he could have said!

TidyDancer · 25/05/2015 17:22

Would it bother you if this was a male teacher? If your marriage was generally in a good place would him having a female friend be a problem? It sounds like the issues are more between you and DH and his friendship is allowing you something to focus your worry on. Only he knows if there's something more to it.

As for whether he should give up a friend because the friendship bothers you....taking it on face value he should be able to have friends of both sexes without it being a problem. Given your specific circumstances though, I think I would be bothered by any new bonds DH was making.

TidyDancer · 25/05/2015 17:23

Urgh, how did friend become teacher?! Naughty iPad. Blush

WorraLiberty · 25/05/2015 17:24

If you've grown apart, perhaps you should both try to do something about that.

Otherwise if it's not this person coming between you, it could well be someone else.

Can you two get away for a weekend break without the kids? Or look at taking up a hobby or something together?

That's what I think you both need to focus on.

letscookbreakfast · 25/05/2015 17:25

OP YANBU but I put kisses at the end of texts etc to female friends, nothing wrong with that.

ImperialBlether · 25/05/2015 17:30

TidyDancer, there has to be a difference between a partner having a new male friend and having a new female friend!

ClimbingPenguin · 25/05/2015 17:46

I don't understand why there has to be a difference between male and female friends. Most of my friends are male including those I've made since being married

TidyDancer · 25/05/2015 17:46

Imperial, there really shouldn't be. I have male friends and DP has female friends. There is no issue there. We make new friends of both sexes.

I suspect if the ops marriage was doing fine then this wouldn't be such an issue for her. If it was still a problem then I would be concerned at the general lack of trust.

Original poster
Dontlikehisfriend · 25/05/2015 17:48

Hiding in the utility room. I had sort of hoped everyone would say I was BU, but maybe I'm not. Tidydancer, I think I would be ok with him having a female friend if they weren't quite so close, and if our marriage was completely ok. I know he collected her from work the other day because I read his texts - but he never mentioned it. On the good side, he didn't hide his phone or delete the messages, so maybe he thinks there's nothing to hide, and just thinks I'll be silly and make a fuss about it.

worraliberty, I would like to do that, but I am not sure he would Sad.

Calleighdoodle, could you possibly direct me to the opposite pov thread? It might help to give me some insight into what DH is thinking...

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/05/2015 17:49

In theory, in an ideal world, of course there's no difference. But when the OP's husband is sitting on the sofa sharing his life with this other woman while ignoring the fact their marriage is disintegrating, then clearly the fact she's female has something to do with the problem.

Original poster
Dontlikehisfriend · 25/05/2015 17:50

When I told him that he seemed to find any excuse to speak to her, he didn't deny it...

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2015 17:52

I think you need to work on your relationship. If you were really happy, in love and feeling great, I doubt you would be worried about this. I have male friends and DH doesn't care because he knows I love him and our relationship is important.

It probably helps that most of my male friends are not people I would find sexually attractive if I were single. Just people I really like. There are always kisses on missives to and from them.

ItsTricky · 25/05/2015 17:53

Is 'no sex' something you're both happy with?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 25/05/2015 17:54

The problem isn't with your husband having a friend (and he has every right to have a friend who happens to be a woman). It's that your marriage is in trouble.
It isn't disrespectful to you for him to have a friend. To try and police his friendships is controlling behaviour, and seeking to make him end friendships because you aren't comfortable is not ok.

The question is, why are you focusing on this friendship and not on the fact that you have grown apart and haven't had sex in months?

hannah0030 · 25/05/2015 17:55

Agree with mrsterry - if your marriage was great would you feel like this? My OP has close, emotional friendships with many women, in which they message frequently and spend one-on-one time together, but I don't feel jealous and I don't mistrust him. Maybe I'm too lenient, I don't know :s

ollieplimsoles · 25/05/2015 17:59

I would feel a bit threatened by her if I had felt me and dh has drifted apart and lack of sex for that long.
I think you should arrange some time away together without the dcs, to try and rekindle some intimacy between you both, then his female friends might bother you less?
Do you usually get away for a couple of hours alone together or have a regular 'date night'?

confuseddazed · 25/05/2015 17:59

" He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now"

Would a husand say that about a male friend? No, it wouldn't even enter their heads (unless they were bisexual/bicurious).

I think that one statement alone proves that the friend being female is a problem.

If my husband was to question me about a new male friend, it wouldn't occur to me to say that, I would be saying that nothing would happen, as I love him.

OnlyLovers · 25/05/2015 17:59

I don't know. I text, email and Facebook funny/interesting stuff to my male friends. I sign off emails etc with kisses. I don't want a fling with any of them.

ImperialBlether · 25/05/2015 18:01

The OP is clearly seeing a correlation between the closeness between her husband and this woman and the lack of closeness between her husband and herself.

Telling her that it's good to have friends of the opposite sex isn't helping here.

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