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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to object to DH's friendship with another woman?

166 replies

Dontlikehisfriend · 25/05/2015 17:07

DH and I have been together for 20 years and have DC aged 12 and 14. We have grown apart a bit since having the DC and haven't had sex for several months, but we still get on fine.

He has become very friendly with DD's cello teacher over the past couple of years. They text one another a lot, and email; he also seems to find all kinds of opportunities to speak to her (apparently about DD). I've looked at his phone and computer (I know I shouldn't, but I'm too worried not to), and there's nothing at all sexual about any of their messages, though they mostly end with kisses. They seem to send one another stuff like funny headlines and jokes, and there's nothing romantic there - but I hate it all the same.

I did tell DH that I'm not happy about it, and that he wouldn't like it if I had that kind of friendship with another man - but he said I was making mountains out of molehills, and that they're just friends. He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now. I think it's disrespectful to me to continue this friendship even if there's nothing affair-ish about it, because it makes me unhappy - but he thinks it's disrespectful to him to suggest that there's anything in it other than friendship.

What do you think? AIBU to object to it?

OP posts:

biggles50 · 28/05/2015 18:23

You need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation about your relationship. You're a family and you absolutely have the right to question him, discuss your feelings and the cello teacher. I would be very upset if my husband was texting, giving lifts and sharing jokes with another woman and excluding me. If you feel uncomfortable then it's not ok. He's flattered by her and clearly would prefer to be attentive to her than to you. Have that conversation, work out how you both can put the love back in your relationship. From now on you text re your child's cello lessons or even find another teacher. There are red flags waiving in your face so no, you're not bi, he is, good luck.

EvilTendency1 · 28/05/2015 18:29

Wasn't there something like this a little while ago only it was a drum teacher or something ?
OP I wouldn't be happy either.

lomega · 28/05/2015 19:46

If it bothers you, and he knows it, then he is BU by not toning things down with this woman.

He is still married to you no matter what, he needs to show you some respect.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2015 21:03

I was about to post that you're imagining it all, Don't, but you're not. I'm sure there is something there. The fact that your marriage is no longer intimate (let alone sexual) is a problem. If it were my husband, I'd probably confront him straight out now. The reason being that if you allow this friendship to develop into more at its own pace it will anyway and it will come as a big shock to you when the writing was on the wall always.

Shock your husband into putting effort into your marriage. If it were my husband, I'd suggest to him that we either recommit to each other as a loving couple - or we go our separate ways. Getting back to your situation, what is worse, the never knowing, constant rejection and water torture drip-drip - or showing him that he's not all that and a bag of chips and that you're worth far more.

This isn't just a friendship, it's like a courting ritual, two snakes dancing around each other with you as collateral damage in the corner waiting to see what your fate is. I don't like that at all. De-mystify this woman and tell your husband that if he wants to carry on with this lack of affection, respect and acknowledgement of you as his wife then he will be doing that alone as you aren't going to put up with this.

I'm not at all surprised you don't like his friend, she is crossing boundaries and not being honest about that. I wouldn't bother changing her as a teacher for your daughter but I would tell your husband that he needs to think very carefully about how he wants this to pan out because you are not playing second fiddle to anybody - and neither is your daughter going to be 'used' as a useful reason to continue this pathetic behaviour of his.

There's been very good advice on this board for you; there's also the relationships board where other posters may also have some helpful and pragmatic advice for you too. Maybe repost your thread there as well?

FarFromAnyRoad · 28/05/2015 21:14

An old policeman friend of mine once told me that his trick for establishing whether further questioning was justified or not was to put himself in the situation under examination as the guilty party i.e. that he'd done the thing that he was suspected of doing. What would his answers be to the questions he'd pose?
I think if I were your DH and I was guilty/contemplating being guilty of getting up to something with this woman I would answer exactly as he did.
"'................. if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now.'"

I expect that's the last thing you want to hear. I hope it works out for you and that he's guilty of nothing more than being a soppy deluded fool.

AyeAmarok · 29/05/2015 08:28

I may be salvageable if you can get him to understand that ask the effort he is putting into the relationship with the cello teacher is sucking the life out of your marriage.

Perhaps talk of counseling and divorce would focus his attention.

Brownieswithicecream · 29/05/2015 08:58

How very sad, for both of you. I think a possible scenario here is that to your DH the relationship is finished, but because of the DC, his previous feelings for you, maybe his gratitude for your earlier relationship and parenting he hasn't got it in him to finish it. Maybe the kindest thing for both of you is to have a good, non tearful chat and say the relationship as it is isn't what you want (and isn't a good example to your DC - it sounds cold and devoid of affection.) Ask DH if he would like to try and improve it with councilling etc, or have a healthy, non acrimonious Gwynnie-esque 'conscious uncoupling'. IMHO this is going to be less unpleasant and more productive in the long run than policing (banning) friendships or "having it out with him". I feel sorry for both of you, and if i knew how to do flowers I'd stick some here.

winkywinkola · 29/05/2015 09:09

It's an affair not a friendship.

If it were a friendship then there would be no issue.

The ow would be able to come over for lunch if it were just a friendship.

winkywinkola · 29/05/2015 09:17

It's an affair not a friendship.

If it were a friendship then there would be no issue.

The ow would be ableto come over for lunch if it were just a friendship.

spad · 29/05/2015 09:30

He's inviting the wolf into your home. You are right. He is being a fool.

lighteningirl · 29/05/2015 09:46

I think you need to address this head on. Do you want to save this marriage? If so I would go and see her tell her you don't care if it's just friendship or if it's got physical that you are trying to hold onto and repair a 20 year relationship with children involved and she is in the way. Ask her to stop contacting your husband find your DD another cello teacher and tell your husband what you have done and that's it's because you live him and wAnt the marriage to work and if he does too ask him how he would like to move forward with that in mind.

lighteningirl · 29/05/2015 09:47

Love him

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 29/05/2015 09:51

A few months ago I had to end a decade long friendship because the DW was jealous. Whilst we had commuted together she had 'put' up with our friendship but when they moved she decided we had to stop being friends. It has been really hard because it was simply a pure friendship and I miss the jokes, stupid texts/emails and daft conversations. We tried to include her but she resisted. I respect her wishes and although he has contacted me a few times I have not replied.
However I do feel their issue is their marriage not an innocent friendship and perhaps you should focus on your relationship not his with other people.

winkywinkola · 29/05/2015 10:31

It's not an innocent friendship though is it? That's the whole point.

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2015 13:10

I think he has, or is, checking out of your marriage. If he wants to make no attempts to help the marriage, doesn't want to go away with you, rejects sexual advances, he's really not on board with your marriage. She could be a cause or a symptom. It doesn't make much difference. He has to choose if he is going to resurrect your marriage or not. They'd a whole list of things you can suggest including relate, going on dates,Siegfried away, more affection and sex. If the choice is not to commit to you, then you know where you stand.

MerryMarigold · 29/05/2015 13:11

Weekend away fgs!

ClawOfBumhead · 29/05/2015 13:13

@Lighteningirl - you seem to ignore the possibility that some people would be spurred on by that.

Viviennemary · 29/05/2015 13:14

Yes it's a problem. And why should you tolerate this woman's infiltration of your relationship with your DH. All this is anything is going to happen it would have. Not true. Tell him to drop her or else. Move into a separate bedroom and stop cooking any meals or washing his clothes. Let his female friend step in.

Pastaeater · 29/05/2015 14:37

How could that possibly help, Viviennemary??!

MissBattleaxe · 29/05/2015 15:54

LyingWitch has it spot on.

If I were you I would change Cello teachers. If they stay in touch you know where you stand. However, you need to talk to him about how this friendship makes you feel and put your cards on the table. It sounds like an emotional affair. Good luck OP. I wish you all the best.

Pastaeater · 29/05/2015 19:25

I feel a huge amount of sympathy for you OP - it must be a very difficult situation. I can't help feeling, though, that you are being very passive about it all. You need to step up, look him in the eye, and ask him to really think about what is going on and how it is making you feel. Your feelings and concerns have to be taken into account as well as his!
Good luck!

lighteningirl · 29/05/2015 23:25

Clawof you are right that possibility would never have occurred to me I assumed the cello teacher was being naive and just friendly I do tend to only see the best in people

Greenrememberedhills · 29/05/2015 23:34

He sees her on Saturday's and omits to mention it? He appears to be having an emotional affair and using your child as cover.

winkywinkola · 30/05/2015 11:08

Yuck.

Ignore the policing of friendships comments. This is not a friendship. This is an affair.

Stitchintime1 · 30/05/2015 11:09

The giveaway line is this, "He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now." That means it's on his mind.

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