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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to DH's friendship with another woman?

166 replies

Dontlikehisfriend · 25/05/2015 17:07

DH and I have been together for 20 years and have DC aged 12 and 14. We have grown apart a bit since having the DC and haven't had sex for several months, but we still get on fine.

He has become very friendly with DD's cello teacher over the past couple of years. They text one another a lot, and email; he also seems to find all kinds of opportunities to speak to her (apparently about DD). I've looked at his phone and computer (I know I shouldn't, but I'm too worried not to), and there's nothing at all sexual about any of their messages, though they mostly end with kisses. They seem to send one another stuff like funny headlines and jokes, and there's nothing romantic there - but I hate it all the same.

I did tell DH that I'm not happy about it, and that he wouldn't like it if I had that kind of friendship with another man - but he said I was making mountains out of molehills, and that they're just friends. He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now. I think it's disrespectful to me to continue this friendship even if there's nothing affair-ish about it, because it makes me unhappy - but he thinks it's disrespectful to him to suggest that there's anything in it other than friendship.

What do you think? AIBU to object to it?

OP posts:
Fluffcake · 27/05/2015 22:24

Op, I think you are probably right that you need to work on yours and dh relationship. Hopefully you will find enough common ground to work from. Good luck Flowers

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/05/2015 22:31

Sort out what is right for you and your children, good luck.

Flowers
Troglodad · 27/05/2015 22:42

Well put it this way, the Mrs would saw my male parts off with a rusty spoon if that was me.

I think that probably amounts to a YANBU, but take it how you will.

winkywinkola · 27/05/2015 22:48

The friendship is inappropriate that's for sure.

I too have male friends. There is one x at the end of texts/emails. Not lots.

You need to be frank with your h. He's not behaving as he should with this woman. She too is enjoying a flirtation.

They probably haven't done anything yet. But it is adding damage to your marriage.

You have to be frank with your h now. About what you want and need from your marriage. And what he wants.

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/05/2015 02:10

Op I am sure it is glaringly obvious to the friend that he has a crush on her. All the texts from this married man coupled with excuses to see her , how can she not know ? If she wasn't open to it she would have shut it down by now. I'd really urge you to discuss both her , and your marriage sooner rather than later.

Atenco · 28/05/2015 03:24

So sorry you are going through a difficult time but please don't police your husband's friendships, OP. That will not help anything.

winkywinkola · 28/05/2015 06:54

Well this particular friendship is is not healthy for the op's marriage.

She's supposed to sit back and watch her husband devote his time, emotions and energy into another relationship?

AnyFucker · 28/05/2015 07:02

"if something was going to happen, it would have already"

that's his shot across the bows

he is having an emotional affair with her

he knows it, you know it

TandemFlux · 28/05/2015 07:08

If your relationship was great, it would be fine to have new friends of the opposite sex. But it does seem like he is detaching from you and attaching to her? What nice things can you do to be more attached. If you want to?

TandemFlux · 28/05/2015 07:29

I think you could point the finger at their friendship but really you both need to sort out your marriage. It needs to be emotionally and physically richer for both of you.

TandemFlux · 28/05/2015 07:31

Can you sit down with DH and ask him if he want to work at the marriage and then try and work out together what will make it better.

gloompirat · 28/05/2015 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2015 07:37

unpleasant post

saturnvista · 28/05/2015 07:37

gloompirat

Charming and liberating relationship advice.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/05/2015 07:39

gloompirat what a disgusting post.

ollieplimsoles · 28/05/2015 07:40

How the hell is that post going to help.

The OP is going through a really tough time with lots of complex issues in her relationship, it goes beyond 'losing weight and sucking his dick'

At least have some respect and sympathy, its hard to come to terms with the fact that a marriage may by breaking down.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 28/05/2015 07:40

Reported.

ollieplimsoles · 28/05/2015 07:41

Have reported, you're an ignorant Fuck.

gloompirat · 28/05/2015 07:46

Not sure why it's been reported, ok whatever oral isn't for everyone, but the sentiment is the same why would you care if he's playing away? Is it unreasonable to want a sex life?

HootyMcTooty · 28/05/2015 07:56

Read the fucking thread dipshit.

gloompirat · 28/05/2015 07:58

Also I am surprised that as soon as someone says something you don't like you complain. I'll go away now, sorry for bothering you.

Original poster
Dontlikehisfriend · 28/05/2015 07:59

Thanks to everyonexwho has offered kind and constructive advice in here. I appreciate it. Flowers

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 28/05/2015 08:53

I hope you get this sorted OP, I think you need to bring up the date night idea with him and try and get some time alone with him.

Doing things for yourself wouldn't hurt either, gives you something to focus on and might give you more confidence to tackle these mariage issues. You sound a bit beaten down in your posts Flowers

HellKitty · 28/05/2015 09:14

I think it's a crush and nothing else has happened. I would worry about these cosy little chats over coffee, in the car and by text that the next step would be, 'my wife doesn't understand me' bollocks. Fwiw the only females my DP would put kisses on a text for are me, his mum and his sister.

You need an uninterrupted talk with him, all your cards on the table. Can the DCs have a sleepover anytime soon?

AMaleOfGreatMaleness · 28/05/2015 14:39

I think you should have it out with him so you can put a stop to the situation and get on with your married life. Life is too short to spend being shat on, but I suppose you have been put on that spot that these types put people on - where you both know things are not alright, one of you is in a bind for fear of seeming unkind or nuts and the other just takes the piss for as long as they can on the strength of that.

Just to confirm, as a man if I thought I was making my wife feel that way, I'd be ashamed of myself and I would certainly cut the situation short forthfuckingwith.