AIBU to object to DH's friendship with another woman?

[Dontlikehisfriend]

DH and I have been together for 20 years and have DC aged 12 and 14. We have grown apart a bit since having the DC and haven't had sex for several months, but we still get on fine.

He has become very friendly with DD's cello teacher over the past couple of years. They text one another a lot, and email; he also seems to find all kinds of opportunities to speak to her (apparently about DD). I've looked at his phone and computer (I know I shouldn't, but I'm too worried not to), and there's nothing at all sexual about any of their messages, though they mostly end with kisses. They seem to send one another stuff like funny headlines and jokes, and there's nothing romantic there - but I hate it all the same.

I did tell DH that I'm not happy about it, and that he wouldn't like it if I had that kind of friendship with another man - but he said I was making mountains out of molehills, and that they're just friends. He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now. I think it's disrespectful to me to continue this friendship even if there's nothing affair-ish about it, because it makes me unhappy - but he thinks it's disrespectful to him to suggest that there's anything in it other than friendship.

What do you think? AIBU to object to it?

Is teh cello teacher married too?

Dos, of course, but there is less of a threat that a same sex friendship would develop into something inappropriate.

i cant think of anything more vile than sleeping with him - like incest. Pretty sure he would say the same for me

but i digress,,

SOrry OP

'If anything was going to happen it would have happened by now'.
Notice how he views infidelity as something that happens (or doesn't). He does not see it as something he would be choosing to do. This viewpoint means that he is almost already excusing himself from it as something beyond his control rather than a conscious choice that he is making each time he spends time or attention on the cello teacher.
Having said this, OP, I agree with PPs who say the issue is about the distance between you. I would sit him down and talk about this - how to get back the closeness. If he is not interested in improving this then that is your problem right there.

"The (straight) man would always always take it further if it was on offer."

This is close to being true in a lot of circumstances, if not "always" then most. Also, the married man this thread talking about having tons of female friends who he exchanges missy texts and would be "unimpressed" if his DW said a word about it, clearly has the missus right where he wants her. What a top marriage that must be to be in.

OP - get him to invite her for dinner. At the very least that should be something he doesn't shy away from if there isn't a problem. You never know perhaps it will allay your concerns.

*kissy, not missy

ClawofBumhead I put one or two kisses at the end of my texts to female friends, my marriage is awesome thank you. I have never had an urge to shag any of my female friends but by all means carry on spouting bollocks.

Toadinthehole - your comments have left me speechless. You put your friendships before your wife but, if she questions your fidelity, it would be perverse if she didn't leave you?
If it were me, I would be running for the door to meet a man who had a little more respect for his wife and hopefully a few more brain cells upstairs.

Well I agree totally with Toadinthehole.
As nearly all if not all abusers find ways of isolating their partner and having experienced that myself, I think it is an important principle that we do not get to tell our partners who they can be friends with.

And as for trust, personally I would be very insulted by being suspected of being unfaithful. I know I am not that type, I would hope that my partner knew too.

And I still think that the problem between the OP and her husband will not sorted by worrying about any friendship he has with other people as it goes back to before the cello teacher came on the scene.

And as for trust, personally I would be very insulted by being suspected of being unfaithful. I know I am not that type, I would hope that my partner knew too.

That's very naive. A lot of affairs don't start deliberately, I believe. A little more attention here and there from somebody, some 'connection', a lot of fantasising (without doing 'anything'), texting, emailing, a few more coffees together. And Bam! People don't start out 'intentionally' to have an affair but various things (which they could have chosen not to do, but thought they were 'innocent') lead them there.

We don't all know ourselves perfectly. We can also be blind, or choose not to see things. And if our partners, who know us very well, and presumably love us, see things which are not good, then we should respect their opinions and feelings. We talk about people we find attractive so it is 'out there' and if dh didn't want me to be in touch with ONE person (not all my friends) because it made him uncomfortable, I would stop it, for his sake.

The type? What type is that then? My H wasn't the type...until one day he was.

MerryMarigold - agree with you completely.
It is a fact that lots of people have affairs - you would have to be a complete idiot to think it could never happen to you.
If any of my friendships were making DH unhappy (for whatever reason), the friendship would end. And vice versa. As it happens, to date neither of us have never felt the need to ask the other to end a friendship, but we both know where our priorities lie.

It really doesn't matter what other people accept, everyone has their own standards and expectations. And are entitled to have them. The trick is finding a partner who agrees with you.

invite her over for dinner, youve just as much right to be friends with her as he has.

*this is well old, soz! has OP been back?