AIBU to object to DH's friendship with another woman?

[Dontlikehisfriend]

DH and I have been together for 20 years and have DC aged 12 and 14. We have grown apart a bit since having the DC and haven't had sex for several months, but we still get on fine.

He has become very friendly with DD's cello teacher over the past couple of years. They text one another a lot, and email; he also seems to find all kinds of opportunities to speak to her (apparently about DD). I've looked at his phone and computer (I know I shouldn't, but I'm too worried not to), and there's nothing at all sexual about any of their messages, though they mostly end with kisses. They seem to send one another stuff like funny headlines and jokes, and there's nothing romantic there - but I hate it all the same.

I did tell DH that I'm not happy about it, and that he wouldn't like it if I had that kind of friendship with another man - but he said I was making mountains out of molehills, and that they're just friends. He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now. I think it's disrespectful to me to continue this friendship even if there's nothing affair-ish about it, because it makes me unhappy - but he thinks it's disrespectful to him to suggest that there's anything in it other than friendship.

What do you think? AIBU to object to it?

It is difficult, OP. My own personal experience was similar in that exDH had a female friend he became closer and closer to over a number of years. Unfortunately, when our DS was born, he decided he didn't want to be a father after all, and left me for this woman. Their full-blown sexual affair had begun when I was pregnant. I was naïve to think they were just friends. As it turned out, he was just her bit-on-the-side and the relationship fizzled out fairly quickly. But the damage was done. You might trust your partner, but what is this woman doing forming a relationship with a married man? She is trouble. Mark my words.

Windchime do you think hetero men and women can ever be just friends? Do you think it's OK if they're both married? This woman might have no idea what's going on between the OP and her DH. I have male friends with partners. I have no designs on those men.

I had an FWB who wanted to remain close friends with me after we stopped the WB bits because he met someone else. I said no, that was inappropriate and although we are in touch from time to time, we're nowhere near as close as we were. I recognise that male-female friendships can be tricky but I wouldn't automatically condemn the cello teacher without knowing her side of the story.

7amliein, I have tried to initiate it but he is too tired or not really in the mood. When this has gone on for several months (about 9), it feels a bit too much of a slap in the face to let myself be rejected again. Before that, he seemed to be going through the motions but with no real interest. He doesn't respond if I try to hold his hand or put my arm round him, so I don't try now fir the sake of what is left of my self respect. I don't mean it to come across as moany. I am just worried.

Will respond to the others but DH back now!

Is there no intimacy/affection at all? No kissing, no hugging, no physical affection? How long did it feel like him 'going through the motions'? Because I think you have to face the fact that something is very wrong in your marriage. Would he go to counselling with you?

I don't think the friendship should be your immediate concern, OP.

It sounds like your husband is almost entirely checked out of your marriage. No sex, no affection, no physical contact, no desire to fix things. You are as far from fine as it's possible to be. You need to address that with him or you are just waiting for it all to fall down.

The cello teacher may not have done 'anything' but she doesn't really need to have. This is a secretive relationship on the husband's part while the marriage is going through a rocky patch; he is picking her up in his car and signing off with kisses with a person who really should have a business relationship with this family, i.e. their daughter is taught music for a half hour a week (or similar). She is not a friend of the marriage at the moment (and I am not saying she's done 'anything', we don't know either way) due to the husband's behaviour.

It is a red flag whether they know it yet or not.

"I don't mean it to come across as moany. I am just worried."

Doesn't sound moany at all. I'd be worried and upset by the lack of physical and emotional intimacy.

Can you start taking DD to the cello lessons yourself? it might make a point, to both of them?

I would be more worried about my relationship with my DH. I think you need to sit down and have a discussion about what you can both do to stop drifting apart before things get worse. You have the power to change your marriage. Do it. Don't worry about this friendship. Get your marriage back to where you both feel more intimate, comfortable, content and happy and you will likely find it won't bother you anymore.

rightside : no, there is mo physical affection. It has just kind of dwindled away.

I fear that if I said I was taking DD to cello lessons from now on, DH would just find another way to see her. I know he sometimes sees her at the weekends - DS plays football near her house so he has coffee with her while DS is footballing. I found this out only because DS mentioned it, though not in any kind of meaningful way, more just 'while Dad was at X's last Saturday'.

There is so much to digest here and it will take me a while as it is big stuff. It's too late to take it in tonight, but thank you all for treating me kindly. I thought I'd get a kick up the bum for being ridiculous and while I have heard stuff I don't want to hear, it probably needed to be said as it is only what I have been too afraid to admit.

No, not mo! Silly ipad...

And also deleted Mrsterrypratchett's name!!!

Sorry OP, it must be a lot to take in. The friendship on its own wouldn't necessarily be an issue. That friendship combined with the other things you've said about the state of your marriage is an issue. Good luck with things.

If my husband ever sent kisses to someone who was not family,I'd be furious.It just wouldn't happen though as he has too much respect for me.We've been married for 40 years,together for 47 due to many things,mainly loving each other very much but also not being over affectionate with other people ie.sending kisses in txt's and emails and the casual use of shit like 'love ya babe' at the end of messages.These examples may make me seem rather odd but before all e stuff no one would have ended telephone conversations in this way.

Just re read that and have decided that ' old glimmer ' Maras needs an early night as she sounds like her Victorian granny.

I think the fact that your husband appears to have checked out of your marriage in terms of emotions and you're just a "co-parenting team" is the issue here:

"I have tried to initiate it but he is too tired or not really in the mood. When this has gone on for several months (about 9), it feels a bit too much of a slap in the face to let myself be rejected again. Before that, he seemed to be going through the motions but with no real interest. He doesn't respond if I try to hold his hand or put my arm round him, so I don't try now fir the sake of what is left of my self respect. I don't mean it to come across as moany. I am just worried."

Why are you not fuming about this? this new friendship doesn't seem appropriate, but you're not worried about him withdrawing any intimacy on your own account?

I'd be hitting the roof trying to sort things out or demand my DH gave me an answer if the situation was happening and my DH was stonewalling me - I'd be telling him "you're in or you're out".

If he wanted to stay in a safe relationship/domestic situation whilst emotionally withdrawing and treating me like a leper for wanting any affection, I'd suggest we separated and he lived from a bachelor flat whilst I had a chance to meet other men.

You've been saying you've "grown apart" like it's a given and you're resigned to this fact.

But maybe if your DH took your marriage seriously, he could start actually cuddling you back, and take YOU out for coffee, and send YOU funny e-mails -he evidently still has the capacity to do so!

You both need to read a book called "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass. Read it together, preferably.

Tell him he can read it now, or read it after he has an affair with this woman. Because that's exactly where it is heading.

Not many people set out to have an affair. There are dozens of steps on the slippery slope that leads to one, and he has already made several.

Unfortunately, nobody can stop him. Only he can do that.

OP, in the kindest way, I think it sounds like its already over. Genuinely could have written what you have about 6 years ago, by the time I went rogue and followed ex he was already basically in a relationship with OW.theyre still together now.
But there are men out there who are affectionate and lovely, you have lots of time to find someone else if you want to.

Sounds like the relationship has died. I know people who are married often ignore that fact and carry on with the marriage but do you want to do that OP? Or are you just, quite naturally, dreading the acrimony, upheaval, adjustment, financial repercussions etc of splitting. That wouldn't be unusual or unreasonable. But I've never managed to revive feelings for somebody once they've died, haas anybody? I think a lot of married women who fear leaving the familiarity and security of marriage ignore that simple truth.

The cello teacher is walking a bit of tightrope. I don't think she fancies him back.

OP

I couldn't live like this. No sex is bad enough but the lack of any affection at all is the most worrying thing.

You must get him to sit and talk about your marriage (NOT your suspicion about the cello teacher for now). He owes you an explanation as to why he's withdrawn from you.

Really feel for you OP xxx

You really need to have a proper talk with your DH about the state of your marriage, maybe have some relationship counselling. It is true that the grass you water is the greenest. It sounds like he's checking out of your relationship, just going through the motions and possibly checking into his new friend.

I'm a firm believer that people can have close friendships with members of the opposite sex, but honestly, it doesn't sound like that's what this is. Sorry

YANBU

If it is upsetting you, he will know, and he should not be messing around with your emotions for his personal gratification - doesn't matter how much fun he has being friends with her, he didn't marry her. He did marry YOU.

That's assuming it is "innocent", and I'll be honest, a relationship with another woman that his wife doesn't approve of will never be an "innocent" thing anyway - especially if, like most people, you have probably given up friendships/potential friendships for him yourself on the basis of the unspoken considerations he doesn't care about.

I'll put it this way, nobody really has the right to control SO's friendship, but if you or I were doing this, we would not be mystified as to why SO was upset at all.

Anyway, these things so often end up being or turning into affairs - and that "disrespectful" stuff just raises my eyebrow a little.

Sorry - there has been a lot to take in here, so I have needed time to read and think. I don't really believe DH is having an affair, but I do think he has a crush on her. I don't think she feels the same as I have not detected anything more than friendliness on her part, though I still don't like the kissy texts. But I think it is more that there is a problem with our marriage and it will take me a while to work out what, if anything, to do about that. I am afraid DH has already detached so far that we can't bring it back, and that his next 'friend' will be an affair - the only reason it isn't now is that she's not up for it. We have both put everything into the DC and nothing into our own relationship.