AIBU to object to DH's friendship with another woman?

[Dontlikehisfriend]

DH and I have been together for 20 years and have DC aged 12 and 14. We have grown apart a bit since having the DC and haven't had sex for several months, but we still get on fine.

He has become very friendly with DD's cello teacher over the past couple of years. They text one another a lot, and email; he also seems to find all kinds of opportunities to speak to her (apparently about DD). I've looked at his phone and computer (I know I shouldn't, but I'm too worried not to), and there's nothing at all sexual about any of their messages, though they mostly end with kisses. They seem to send one another stuff like funny headlines and jokes, and there's nothing romantic there - but I hate it all the same.

I did tell DH that I'm not happy about it, and that he wouldn't like it if I had that kind of friendship with another man - but he said I was making mountains out of molehills, and that they're just friends. He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now. I think it's disrespectful to me to continue this friendship even if there's nothing affair-ish about it, because it makes me unhappy - but he thinks it's disrespectful to him to suggest that there's anything in it other than friendship.

What do you think? AIBU to object to it?

The OP is seeing that correlation. The OP's DH isn't here to ask. He might not find this woman attractive at all. He might be sad and lonely and getting emotional support and attention from her (worrying). There may be something or nothing.

I think it's disrespectful to me to continue this friendship even if there's nothing affair-ish about it, because it makes me unhappy. Because if my DH told me I had to dump all of my male friends because he was 'unhappy' about it, even though there was no issue, I would call him controlling and frankly, borderline abusive.

Nobody's DH is here to ask about anything! I just think that when someone has a hunch something is really wrong with their marriage and is told to ignore the hunch, eg that the man has a right to have female friends, etc, then a lot of damage can be done.

As to the second part, I think if a relationship with someone is making your partner unhappy, then you have a duty to at least consider what's actually going on.

Nobody's DH is here to ask about anything! True. The reason I say that is in this case it really all is in the eye of the beholder The OP has snooped and found nothing sexual or worrying at all. Just some jokes and headlines. Exactly what an entirely innocent person might send to a friend. She says there's nothing 'affair-ish' about this.

I think there probably is an issue. But I think that issue isn't the friendship. The friendship is an easy thing to fix; he just stops contacting/speaking to the teacher (how to explain that to the child?!?!). The relationship issues remain. Now worse because the DH now sees his DW as controlling, prying (if she's honest about snooping), jealous and paranoid. Whether she has grounds or not.

Actually looking at the relationship; counselling; time away alone; working on reconnecting; making time for each other. All things that might actually cause positive change, rather than a resentful partner.

I don't think she's being told to ignore the hunch as much as people are quite rightly saying that of course men and women can be friends, and that no-one has a right to control who their partner can and can't be friends with. But the OP does seem to be focusing on this rather than addressing the real heart of the matter, which is nothing to do with the cello teacher.

I'm sorry, but it sounds as if he's about to embark on an affair.

The fact you haven't had sex for a couple of months could further propel him towards this woman.

Does he send similar texts and emails to his male friends ?

Why did he pick her up from work ?

He's enjoying the attention.
I can honestly say that if I said to dh 'I want you to stop being friends with this particular person, it makes me uncomfortable' he would do it.
Me and dh had the opposite problem when we first got together in that I had a male friend who was abiyt flirty and thought I was the bee knees. He said he didnt like it, and I stopped seeing him. If I am truly honest I know my friend had feelings for me, not love, but in a lusty way, and when I was single and bored I would fall back on him to flirt with.

Oh wow, so much here, and so many people makings the same points.

I'll try to answer all of them.

He picked her up because he was going to be passing the place where she works (true, but he did make sure he was passing at the relevant time). I think he just dropped her off at her house. To judge by the timings, he wouldn't have had chance to do any socialising with her.

No, he doesn't send similar things to his male friends. Or maybe a bit, but not so much. He doesn't keep texts from them either, and he has kept texts from her.

I am not really happy about the lack of sex, but I have sort of stopped mentioning it as DH doesn't respond when I drop hints. We don't really do stuff without the DC. I don't like to mention date nights as I am not sure he would really want to be with me alone, though he's nice to me when we are together, if a bit distant. We were going to go away for a night recentlybut he cried off because he suddenly saud he had to work. I suppose those are right who are saying that it's a problem in our marriage, though that is too horrible a thought.

I do know DH's friend, obviously, as she teaches DD. I get on prefectly well with her, but he is always the one she communicates with. She occasionally emails me if I ask her a specific question, but it's always just friendly and polite. I can't say that she gives any impression of fancying DH when I have seen them together - I am more worried about how he feels. She doesn't act flirty - she is single, but seems happy with this. I think she has lots of male and female friends. I just wish DH weren't among them!

Sorry - also forgot to say that I haven't told him that I have snooped!!

'He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now.'

Personally I think that's a weird thing for him to have said, as though he's previously given it thought.

He needs to concentrate less on his relationship with this woman and more on his relationship with his wife.

I did provoke that a bit, by asking him if he could tell me honestly that nothing would happen between them. But yes I think he does need to concentrate more on our marriage. He seems to be putting all his dmotional energy into their friendship.

I am not really happy about the lack of sex, but I have sort of stopped mentioning it as DH doesn't respond when I drop hints. We don't really do stuff without the DC. I don't like to mention date nights as I am not sure he would really want to be with me alone, though he's nice to me when we are together, if a bit distant. We were going to go away for a night recentlybut he cried off because he suddenly saud he had to work.

This is very worrying. And, not addressing this is a massive issue. Worrying about the friend is displacement. Your marriage is in trouble. I'm sorry. You have to have a real conversation with your DH about this and make real and big changes. If he wants to, which he might not.

I think he is being unreasonable not to consider your feelings more.

But I think it's a shame you are feeling like this. I'm a single woman and some of my closest friends are married men (as well as married women, people in relationships, single men and single women, I'm not some kind of predator!). I'd hate to think that their wives were thinking of me like you are thinking of this woman. I just like people I get on with, I don't really think about their gender or relationship status.

Keeping texts would be a big red flag for me. He doesn't spend time with you alone , but goes out of his way to spend time with her. It sounds like he's turned away from you and is now getting some of his needs met by her. It's not ok that he doesn't make an effort with you and that there's no sex.
In your shoes I'd call it. The friendship has crossed the line. I would look for another teacher for your dd.

Sounds to me like he's got a crush, his head says he's married and he's not going to do anything about it but his ego is enjoying it. He can defend his actions to you because 'nothing' has happened. She probably has no interest him and many not even know that he's having a flirty mid life no. You however have the evidence of a lover no longer giving love and relegating you to a less important place in his life. What to do? You have every right to put your foot down and demand an end to it, advise the music teacher a friendship with your husband is off limits, what will be the result? Sounds like husband will sulk and withdraw further denying any wrong doing and telling you that you are a controlling hysterical wife. Instincts however are often very valuable. I don't often promote game playing but perhaps its time to look at your relationship - are you often at his and the family's beck and call; do you have a life outside of the family - if not perhaps you need one, a real investment in friendships and interests beyond your husband. Alternatively invite your friendly cello teacher to lunch along with others, you will know very soon if you have anything to worry about as you probably know your husband better than most.

It would upset me that he reads or hears something funny and wants to share it with her , even if it's only a computer link.

That speaks volumes to me really.

Aa

Sorry, not sure what happened there.

This is a difficult one, I can see it from both POV. I don't know if your DH is being unfaithful or not, although I'm erring on the side of it being just a friendship.

I think you are, understandably, focusing on this friendship rather than the other problems in your marriage. It's so much easier to think "If he is no longer friends with her, everything will be ok again". Unfortunately, I suspect that even if your DH stopped seeing his friend, it wouldn't solve any of your problems because your feelings about this friend are, IMO, more of a symptom of the relationship difficulties than the cause of them. You'd feel better in the short-term, but it wouldn't be long before something else cropped up that worried you.

TBH, I wouldn't be happy if my partner told me I had to stop being friends with someone because they were unhappy/uncomfortable/jealous. I don't think I have a right to dictate who my partner can and can't be friends with, nor vice-versa. I'd also be pissed off they had snooped on me by reading emails/texts. I hope I would understand, if the situation was similar, that it was borne out of insecurity and worry, but I'd still be upset on both counts.

I think you should be honest with him about how you feel and why you feel this way (as in the whole problem, feeling unimportant/lack of sex etc- not just related to this friendship). I think you also need to tell him you've been snooping on him - it might be difficult to have an honest conversation about your concerns if you can't tell him what you know (and if you keep doing it, he might well find out by accident, which would be worse).

I'd also point out, kindly, that problems in relationships aren't usually one-sided. It might help to try and find out what your DH thinks is wrong in your relationship (and what you could do differently too).

"The friendship has crossed the line. I would look for another teacher for your dd."

I think the friendship is more a symptom than a cause. Changing the teacher isn't go to fix the fundamental problem which is this "I don't like to mention date nights as I am not sure he would really want to be with me alone". I find it incredibly sad that someone the OP is meant to be in a loving, caring relationship with doesn't seem to want to spend time with her.

Don'tlike I think I'd put the friendship issue to one side for now and talk to him about your lack of closeness as a couple. If you can fix that, he won't be looking to her or anyone else for that kind of intimacy. Of course men and women can just be friends but if a marriage is going wrong, those kind of close friendships can be a red flag.

A physical affair doesn't normally start immediately, there are several steps to go through first. He's passed a few already, even if he doesn't know it.

A secretive friendship is a red flag. Where spouses successfully have friends of the other sex, it is because the friendship isn't making the other spouse feel bad and the friendship doesn't undermine the marriage.

This is going one way and one way only. It needs to stop. Now.

Find another cello teacher. Fix your marriage.

And don't be inviting the cello teacher for lunch, dinner or anywhere.

A long time ago I had a boyfriend who responded to issues in our relationship by hacking into my e mail, reading a bunch of stuff, including some totally innocent messages from an old friend I'd known since school, and sending said friend an e mail saying he wasn't comfortable with our friendship and I wouldn't be in contact any more.

I was incandescent with rage. I felt publically humiliated that the boyf had brought an innocent stranger into our mess, stirred up gossip, and demonstrated publically how little trust and respect he had for me. I ended things post haste. I think I'd not end things but would feel the same if DH did that now.

Which is to say I don't think policing entirely innocent friendships will solve the core issues and I think may make things worse, both in terms of the husband feeling controlled/untrusted/disrespected and in terms of making gossip out of this situation. I mean, you can't really subtly sack your cello teacher and kick her out of your husband's life. He or you will have to explain to her and she may be totally discreet but she'd be under no obligation to be, esp if she's done nothing wrong.

You moan about their relationship but you don't seem to be offering any solutions. Why not take the bull by the horns and get the sex going again?

Op it's a mistake to presume the friend is a symptom of a marriage in trouble. It's usually these inappropriate friendships that are the CAUSE of marriage trouble.