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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to DH's friendship with another woman?

166 replies

Dontlikehisfriend · 25/05/2015 17:07

DH and I have been together for 20 years and have DC aged 12 and 14. We have grown apart a bit since having the DC and haven't had sex for several months, but we still get on fine.

He has become very friendly with DD's cello teacher over the past couple of years. They text one another a lot, and email; he also seems to find all kinds of opportunities to speak to her (apparently about DD). I've looked at his phone and computer (I know I shouldn't, but I'm too worried not to), and there's nothing at all sexual about any of their messages, though they mostly end with kisses. They seem to send one another stuff like funny headlines and jokes, and there's nothing romantic there - but I hate it all the same.

I did tell DH that I'm not happy about it, and that he wouldn't like it if I had that kind of friendship with another man - but he said I was making mountains out of molehills, and that they're just friends. He also says that if anything had been going to happen, it would have happened by now. I think it's disrespectful to me to continue this friendship even if there's nothing affair-ish about it, because it makes me unhappy - but he thinks it's disrespectful to him to suggest that there's anything in it other than friendship.

What do you think? AIBU to object to it?

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 30/05/2015 11:14

YY Stitch. In other words, it would have if she was interested.

The other I don't like is the example he is setting to the kids- sneaking off to her house on a Saturday and not telling her, even though the kids know. Very shabby behaviour. I think I'd chuck him out. He's obviously in the mindset where he is looking for his next relationship.

OP- it might be time to save your dignity and ask him to leave. It might be more soul destroying if he stays and you watch as he gives other women the emotional attentiveness he should be giving to you.

zeezeek · 30/05/2015 22:20

I'm feeling sorry for the poor cello teacher. All she's done is be friends with someone.

If my DH ever dared police my friendships with either gender, or I his, it would be the end of our marriage.

MissBattleaxe · 31/05/2015 00:41

zeezeek- nobody is saying its the cello teacher's fault but the husband is clearly at fault for not neglecting his marriage and putting more energy into this friendship than he is into his marriage.

This is not remotely about the wife "policing" anything. How is this her fault?

MissBattleaxe · 31/05/2015 00:42

sorry- I meant for neglecting his marriage. I accidentally said NOT neglecting his marriage.

Atenco · 31/05/2015 02:32

I'm feeling sorry for the poor cello teacher. All she's done is be friends with someone

*If my DH ever dared police my friendships with either gender, or I his, it would be the end of our marriage

These are totally my feelings. I wish the OP all the best, but do not think that telling her DH who he can be friends with is the solution.

musicalendorphins2 · 31/05/2015 04:15

I have only read the OP, but I agree, it is disrespectful to you, since you have told him you are not comfortable with his friendship.

Toadinthehole · 31/05/2015 05:23

I do question some of the advice being given here. OP, if your DH's friendship is not innocent, perhaps it is already too late. If it's innocent, making an issue of it will only make matters worse, particularly if you were to confront the cello teacher.

After reading this thread I checked though the texts on my phone. Plenty of x and joke swapping and friendly banter. I have never been in the last bit tempted to have an affair with any of them. There are many good reasons for this, not the least because the friendship cheers me up. More than that though, I'm simply not interested in having one (and I don't think they are either).

If I discovered that DW was checking through my phone, I'd be pretty unimpressed. If, on the basis of her snooping (for that is really what it is) she told me to back off on these friendships I would tell her that we are all entitled to privacy - not so that we can keep secrets, but simply so we can breathe. I would also tell her that it is not up to me to prove my faithfulness, and if she didn't trust me I would consider her peverse if she didn't leave. I would also keep right on with the friendships.

This sounds harsh, but OP, I see similarities between my situation and your DH. I think the advice to fix up your marriage and let the friendship resolve itself is very good advice. If the friendship is innocent, that's the right way to proceed. If it's not, then it's already too late, isn't it?

NorahDentressangle · 31/05/2015 05:58

This is a bit (suspiciously) dripfeedy - he goes to hers for coffee whilst DS is at an hour or so's football???? Doesn't mention it?

And it's all innocent??

yearofthegoat · 31/05/2015 06:34

He picks her up from work but doesn't mention it, goes round for coffee but doesn't mention it. He shares jokes and comments on social media with the cello teacher but not with his wife. He rejects the OP physically and avoids going away for the weekend wit her. OP he seems to have checked out of the marriage.

Whether the cello teacher realises what is going on isn't clear. She could be an innocent party in this. Your DH is up to his armpits in an emotional affair and infatuation though.

Where you go from this I don't know. This coparenting but essentially love-less situation can't continue without destroying you surely. Do you want to persevere with the marriage via counselling and discussion and see if things improve or do you want to walk away and do your own thing?

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/05/2015 06:51

YABU. My best friend when I lived in Glasgow was male. It is possible. Smile

patienceisvirtuous · 31/05/2015 07:30

The posters saying that it's perfectly possible to have an innocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex are spectacularly missing the point!!!

Of course it is.

But read the effing thread. OP's DH has checked out of their marriage, giving no time and attention to OP while simultaneously embarking on a new, clandestine 'friendship' and focussing his energies on that.

OP yanbu. I suspect things are already too far gone re your marriage but you could give your husband the option to work with you to try and save it - or his other option is to fck off and be free to lavish attention galore on his new lady friend/s.

winkywinkola · 31/05/2015 07:34

Dim.

7amliein · 31/05/2015 08:24

Only women think that male / female friendships can exist. The man would always always take it further if it was on offer. Anyone talking about how 'their best friend at uni was a man' or whatever is unfortunately deluded.

BastardGoDarkly · 31/05/2015 08:29

Oh op, how can you live like this? You daren't even suggest a date night or initiate affection for fear of rejection! That's so sad, and very telling of the actual state of your relationship.

It has to be cards on the table time, does he want to fix your marriage or leave and let you rebuild your life.

Otherwise it's death by a thousand cuts as your self esteem is slowly eroded :(

DosDuchas · 31/05/2015 08:44

Have I missed if cello woman is married

bookbag40 · 31/05/2015 08:48

OP you need to do 2 things concurrently:

Firstly fire the cello teacher. I'm sorry but I can't imagine that she doesn't know that your husband might be enamoured with her. Texting with kisses, just happening to drop by to pick her up from work and popping in for coffee - she must have an inkling of what is going on and is clearly encouraging it. I would not be sending my daughter to her each week and paying her my hard earned money to flirt with my husband! Even if, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she believes it is an innocent friendship I think she has crossed boundaries professionally and is a distraction to your husband from the real problems in your marriage. I honestly don't think that your marriage can be fixed whilst she is still in the picture.

Secondly you need to be honest with your husband. Tell him you don't like the friendship and why. Say you want to work on your marriage and ask him if he does too. Consider how you can do this - counselling, more time together etc.

This friendship is draining your marriage. Trust your intuition and act now!

TheAnalyst · 31/05/2015 08:53

I very much deprecate all these "Is it innocent or isn't it" posts - in a functional marriage built on trust, any friendship should be presumed to be just that. If that's not the case then there are serious problems.

In this case the problems seem to be of the DH's own making; emotional distance, blowing off date nights for work, failing to respond to sexual advances.

His new friend doesn't matter; this stuff, however, does.

oabiti · 31/05/2015 10:45

He said if anything was going to happen it would have happened by now?! Hmm

There is nothing reassuring about that statement.

Really hope this gets resolved, op.

oabiti · 31/05/2015 11:02

Sorry, stitchintime, just read your post. You were saying the same thing x

WayneRooneysHair · 31/05/2015 12:16

7amliein you have no idea what you are talking about, also you sound incredibly sexist.

Atenco · 31/05/2015 12:37

To my mind, the problem is the OP's marriage in itself, not the existence of other people in this world.

I suppose different strokes for different folks, but it doesn't sound like the cello teacher is taking anything away from the OP and the husband is not going to suddenly fall back in love with his wife when she starts telling him who he can be friends with.

LapsedTwentysomething · 31/05/2015 12:55

Op, your DH's behaviour sounds cringeworthy. The relationship with a DC's teacher, unless is was already established, needs to be kept on a professional level. He's embarrassing himself and disrespecting you.

DosDuchas · 31/05/2015 14:04

(I have a BF ( well vg mate) who is a bloke.
We are both married. WE text all the time - neither partner minds. ANd he is about 15 years younger than me. )

HootyMcTooty · 31/05/2015 14:09

Dos, but how are your marriages? The point here is not that OP's husband has a female friend, but that he's putting more effort into that friendship than his marriage. I've said up thread, men and women can be very good friends without any hidden agenda, but if her DH is refusing any intimacy that's a problem

DosDuchas · 31/05/2015 14:29

yes, and that could be the same for a female female friendship too I suppose.