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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice.....

215 replies

Clinkclank · 19/04/2015 21:27

I have a friend who I really do enjoy spending time with. There is one thing that really puts me off is her being clingy.....

I have a two year old DD and her DD is only 6 months older than mine and they get on well. My friend is currently on maternity leave - she has just had her DS.

I work 3 & 1/2 days per week and she always wants to meet up on my days off which I don't mind visiting or going out for half a day with the kids, but she is always wanting to met up. Sometimes I just simply don't want to as I would like to have the day with my child alone or visiting family and trying to fit in the housework & other chores so we can spend quality time together when the hubby is off over the weekend.

If I say that I am busy doing blah blah she starts to get pushy and suggests options of how we can meet up which at first didn't bother me but is starting to now.

If I don't meet up with her and say that I have been busy she starts to say 'what have I done' and I say nothing? im just busy.

Just really disappointed as I'm starting to feel irritated and smothered. I really enjoy our time together. I feel she is spoiling our friendship with being soo clingy.....

I'm tired of making excuses when I desperately need some space. I feel like I can't be honest with her when I just need the day with my child. inhave hinted that I need some time with my child and she simply doesn't get it.

Any advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 21:29

Just say you are busy and will let her know when you have a free day.

WorraLiberty · 19/04/2015 21:31

I think honesty is the best policy.

"I'm having some 1 on 1 time today with my child. Let's meet up another time"

If she can't accept that, then quite frankly there's nothing more you can do.

flora717 · 19/04/2015 21:34

Have you said things around "yesterday was really good, I need a day with my head down doing x, y & z, we should do something on (day)". Hints are not always enough. Give her options YOU can handle? Planning further ahead so she has that reassurance of a day coming up, use a diary in front of her. Block out time, so she suggests, you say 'not then, how about ....'

workadurka · 19/04/2015 21:36

Can you have a weekly "date" with her say one set morning per week?

I can see how that would get irritating..

Original poster
Clinkclank · 19/04/2015 21:39

Im just starting to get tired of the weekly dates and the constant messaging to meet up. And the questions what I am doing and how we can get together. Feel starting to feel really irritated.

I guess I am going to have to be honest - I just don't want to hurt her feeling. No think deep down she is quite sensitive. :/

OP posts:
AnyRailway · 19/04/2015 21:42

Could she be struggling with PND or just "ordinary "baby blues and feeling isolated?

I agree that you need to be strong and put your own family first, but might be worth checking your friend is okay?

Maybe you could meet up with her one more time soon, and find out in a listening way exactly how she is doing.

Of course I'm not saying you should sacrifice your own family to how your friend is feeling, but we all need a bit of support every now and then. If she is really struggling, please suggest that she talks to her health visitor / doctor. Are there any really good baby groups that she could go to?

ilovesooty · 19/04/2015 21:46

What would happen if you explained to her that you are really fond of her but these demands are actually jeopardising the friendship?

Thurlow · 19/04/2015 21:48

I can see how this is irritating. But she might not be comfortable spending all day without anyone to see and, if she doesn't know that many other people, that means she's only asking you?

ilovesooty · 19/04/2015 21:51

I think she will need to be made aware that as you work and she's on maternity leave you really can't accommodate her as she would like. It's unfair of her to expect it.

AnyRailway · 19/04/2015 21:59

Does she know many other people sake could socialise with? How could you link her to other sources of suppory?

AnyRailway · 19/04/2015 22:01

(sorry, bad typos, but you probably figured out what I meant?)

Original poster
Clinkclank · 19/04/2015 22:02

She has other friends. I think she prob meets up with them during the week.

I know I need to be careful in case she is a bit depressed. I know that another person is put off by her clingyness....

OP posts:
Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 05:01

I'm thinking now that other friends are keeping their distance as she is extremly pushy - I was talking to another friend and she said that she wanted to keep her distance because of this. It's sio difficult to manage

OP posts:
maddiehayesfan · 20/04/2015 05:37

I think this is a case of different expectations rather than anything else. Personally I don't see how wanting to meet up once a week is clingy. Some people seem only to want to spend time with their partners and families when they're not working and only fit their friends in when they haven't got anything better to do and personally I think that's a bit mean to the friends. It does make me wonder why people bother having friends if they don't want to see them on a regular basis and everyone else is always so much more important.

If you don't want to make time for your friend then that's up to you but I don't think she's doing anything wrong; it sounds like you're the one who doesn't see her as important enough to bother with.

Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 06:41

The point is - I do make lots of time for her that I'm having to do all my chores over the weekend and it's impacting in family time. I don't get to catch up on anything as she wants to meet up the full day.

It's like Groundhog Day those days. The rest of the time I'm working sometimes at home as well and I she can't take a simply no she has to ask what I am doing and try's to reorganise my day. So when I get to the days I have off sometimes I'm knackered because my role at work is super busy. I'm just tired.....

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 20/04/2015 06:54

Just tell her you are busy and will t her know when you can meet up.

'Hi. Thanks for the message. I am a bit busy at the moment and will let you know when i have a free day to meet up again, hope you are enjoying the sunshine. Click'

Giantbabymama · 20/04/2015 06:55

I agree with Anyrailway. It sounds like she is not very happy. One forgets quite quickly how isolating having a baby and being alone in the house can be.

I am at home all day with a 10 week old and I am always embarrassingly grateful when people come to see me so I can sort of sympathise with your friend.

Having said that, I was in a similar situation with a friend once and I ended up having tell her I needed more space and she didn't take it well at all and pretty much stopped talking to me for quite a while, so maybe it's best to avoid making any kind of big issue about it. If you want to stay friends and if you think she might have PND or similar, it's definitely worth mentioning that to her and suggesting seeing her GP if she mentions feeling down or whatever. And if she keeps pushing you to make plans when you want one on one time with your dc, just say that, and suggest a future date instead when you feel like seeing her.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being a bit less available. I know it's hard with Facebook etc as people can see where you are 24/7 if you're a keen updater, but maybe don't open messages from her on days you don't feel like seeing her and don't update your status so she can't see it and say: "I know you're free as you just said you were chilling out in fb" or whatever. I don't even know if you're an fb user mind, but that's worth thinking about if you are, as using it signals to people that you are feeling sociable.

Mrsbobdylan · 20/04/2015 07:28

Yanbu-yes of course your expectations are different. You'd like to see your friends, family, do housework and spend time with your dd in the day and a half you have during the week. Your friend expects you to make yourself available every week and struggles to accept when you are not free to do that.

She can't help being that way and feeding her neediness isn't helping her either. Decide what works for you I.e once every two/three weeks and let her know. She'll either have enough respect for you to accept that or feel so hurt that the friendship breaks down.

I had a very similar situation which went on for 2 years. I didn't address it and spent my one day off work each week with this person. Only to have her bin me after some imagined slight. I learnt my lesson that you can never win with a needy friend.

Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 08:14

Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
Hathall · 20/04/2015 08:39

If you want to keep her as a friend then I would avoid the truth as she'll probably be quite upset by it.

If she's on mat leave then she'll be back at work in a few months so you could just carry on being busy some weeks. Hopefully she'll ease up once she's back at work.

Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 08:58

She is not going back till the end of the year.

OP posts:
CrohnicallyInflexible · 20/04/2015 09:37

How close a friend are you? Would you feel comfortable inviting her round just to have a coffee, chill and chat while you do bits of housework (dusting, putting wash loads in, that sort of thing)? If she just wants company rather than full on adult conversation that might do.

Or can you arrange to meet her over lunch or in the afternoons? Then you don't have to spend the full day with her. If you meet in the mornings it might be hard to get rid of her. Besides, if you're lonely meeting in the afternoon seems to break the day up a bit more than a morning meeting.

Have you been very explicit with her and explained exactly why you can't met up as often as she would like? Not everybody is able to pick up on hints. Tell her 'Weekends are family time. I don't want to spend weekends catching up on household chores, so I need time in the week to do those. I also need time to spend 1-1 with DD, as I miss her when I'm at work. So I can either see you for one afternoon every week, or if you prefer to go out somewhere for the whole day it will have to be once a fortnight.'

She might feel better if things have been prearranged. So if she texts, arrange to do something on say Thursday. Then next time she texts asking if you're free, say 'sorry, I can't meet you now but I'll see you on Thursday'. That way she is reassured that you do want to spend time with her. Don't go into why you can't meet her now as she'll start giving you solutions.

Hippee · 20/04/2015 09:44

Can you have a regular meet-up at a play group - that way, once you've been a few times you can miss the odd one and not worry that she won't have company? It might make her some new friends too.

PeppermintCrayon · 20/04/2015 11:33

This is really tricky because she knows when you're off, so you can't just not tell her, and she's doing the clingy needy "what have I done" thing.

I disagree with maddiehayesfan. Wanting to meet up every week - and doing the above neediness routine if it doesn't happen - is really clingy.

It does make me wonder why people bother having friends if they don't want to see them on a regular basis and everyone else is always so much more important.

Um. Are you the OP's friend? Sorry if that sounds blunt but this is very black and white, distorted thinking.

With friends like this there are, i think, three options.

Option 1: be gentle but firm, without apologising. No I can't meet up. No I'm not free to do that. You haven't done anything, I'm just not able to do that.

Option 2: tell her you feel suffocated.

Option 3: back off and avoid her, which is sadly sometimes the only choice.

maddiehayesfan · 20/04/2015 11:43

No, I'm not, and there's no need for the "um", that's really rude.

I despair of people who immediately drop all their friends because "family time" is always more important. I find that very rigid, black and white and distorted thinking. They're the odd ones, not the people who want a perfectly reasonable friendship. Friends are not dispensable. They're people, not playthings. Why does "family time " automatically trump friends time? Christ, don't people see enough of their husbands and kids on a daily basis?

Generally, I find close families very odd. The point of parenting is to raise an independent human being and someone who immediately rushes back to their family at every opportunity is not independent, IMO. Someone I know wants to spend every single holiday, every single half term, etc, with her extended family, and will not even consider doing anything else. I feel very sorry for her sister's husband, because he simply does not get a say in it. Friend packs up her kids and her mum and drives to her sister's house with all their paraphernalia and they take the place over for the entire holidays with all their crap strewn everywhere like neither of them ever left home. The poor guy has to take refuge in his office to get away from it. I find that very odd and strange and frankly quite unnatural. The woman is 45. Her mother lives over the road and is in her house every day. Cut the apron strings already!