Need advice.....

[Clinkclank]

I have a friend who I really do enjoy spending time with. There is one thing that really puts me off is her being clingy.....

I have a two year old DD and her DD is only 6 months older than mine and they get on well. My friend is currently on maternity leave - she has just had her DS.

I work 3 & 1/2 days per week and she always wants to meet up on my days off which I don't mind visiting or going out for half a day with the kids, but she is always wanting to met up. Sometimes I just simply don't want to as I would like to have the day with my child alone or visiting family and trying to fit in the housework & other chores so we can spend quality time together when the hubby is off over the weekend.

If I say that I am busy doing blah blah she starts to get pushy and suggests options of how we can meet up which at first didn't bother me but is starting to now.

If I don't meet up with her and say that I have been busy she starts to say 'what have I done' and I say nothing? im just busy.

Just really disappointed as I'm starting to feel irritated and smothered. I really enjoy our time together. I feel she is spoiling our friendship with being soo clingy.....

I'm tired of making excuses when I desperately need some space. I feel like I can't be honest with her when I just need the day with my child. inhave hinted that I need some time with my child and she simply doesn't get it.

Any advice on how to handle this?

Perhaps you could just point out to her that you only have one and a half free days in the week to fit everything into and that you have other things to do and other people you need to see so a weekly meet up will not always work for you. If that sounds harsh maybe it is better than putting off dealing with the situation until you simply can't bear it any more.

Christ, don't people see enough of their husbands and kids on a daily basis?

The OP doesn't, no, this friend is trying to monopolise her time off work. And I'm a bit perplexed by your post. I don't have a close family, I'm NC with all of my birth family - and I still wouldn't want friends pushing in and expecting me to spend all my free time with them automatically.

The OP wants some time with her child, and on her own. Your post is not really related to that, sorry you feel like that but I don't think you're helping the OP.

Peppermint- you hit the nail on the head there.

I see my friend way more than my family it's at the point where I think she can't take no for an answer and wants to rearrange my life - who would enjoy that?

She is a lovely person but incredibly pushy. Family time is important to us and for my child to have BOTH parents available over the weekend. We often see friends and their kids too it's not just family - we like to try and get a healthy balance.

Unless you have been there where someone is literally organising your life and making you change your plans I'm sure your patience will get a bit thin.

It's almost like I'm having to put my child second and it doesn't sit well with me.

I have got some great tips from posters so thanks for that. I just want to approach this in a positive way because at the minute I'm completely smothered and starting to get put off by her.

And no I don't get to see my child as much as I want to. I work to contribute to the mortgage so my time with my child is precious!

Family also want to spend time with her too. So I'm having to compromise there as well - which is ok as it's important she builds relationships with family as she is at nursery the rest of the time

I understand what you're saying, but I think your perception of her as being "pushy" comes from the fact that you don't a) have as much free time and b) have the same expectations of friendship as she does.

I do not remotely see someone as pushy for wanting to see a friend once a week, and if you didn't have a 3.5 days a week job and have the priority that "family time must always come first", you wouldn't either, I expect. Everyone's acting like she's being unreasonable for wanting that, and she just isn't. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to see a friend on a regular basis otherwise, again, I question the point of having them. What are friends to you, OP (or anyone else who has this viewpoint, not singling you out specifically)? Someone to pick up and put down when you can fit them in? Someone who's less important than doing the washing? I just find that really unpleasant and selfish, sorry.

Sorry if you don't think I'm helping, Peppermint, but this is AIBU, not "everything must be supportive". I think she is being a tad unreasonable in her rigid thinking, yes. If every weekend must be "family time" to the extent that she's spending her days off running around preparing for it, then don't be surprised if the other people in your life are pissed off with you when you don't consider them important enough to fit in, because nothing screams "you're completely dispensable to me" louder than that.

I get what you mean, maddie. We don't know whether this applies to the OP and her friend - it does sound a little like her friend is a bit pushy - but I definitely get what you mean about some people's rigidity with family time.

The reason I posted what I did above about the 'friend' wanting to see someone regularly (as in wanting company) was because I struggled for a long time when I returned to work with most of the friends I had made during maternity leave all being completely rigid with weekends being purely about family time and so not seeing friends. However DP worked most weekends, there were no baby groups on, I had no family that close, I just wanted the odd bit of company for an hour or two sometimes at the weekends. But so many people were just "nope, family time" despite me having shared these worried with them, people I thought were good friends, and I struggled a lot with loneliness that first year or so I was back at work.

Which is projecting what I felt onto the friend, I know. She does sound OTT and clingy and the OP definitely shouldn't be forced into doing things she doesn't want to do. But my gut feeling would be there is possibly a reason for it, and I just think it would be useful for the OP to maybe try and get to the bottom of it.

Exactly. She could maybe be a bit more understanding of the OP's commitments, but there isn't anything inherently clingy about seeing a friend once a week and labelling her as such is what I have an issue with. I mean, goodness, that's a perfectly normal friendship in my book, yet posters here are painting people who think that's normal as some kind of clingy emotional vampire!

But it wouldn't hurt the OP to bend a little either. If she wants every single weekend to be family time that's her prerogative, but she's not going to have many friends left if all her non-family time is taken up clearing the decks for her family time and she's constantly sending the message "I don't want to see you because everyone else in my life is more important to me", which, like it or not, is what "every weekend must be family time" says. It sounds a little obsessive to me.

Mind you, I might be projecting as well, since my best friend of 20 years couldn't even be bothered to come to my mother's funeral because it clashed with her "family time" and she had something else planned with her partner. Yeah, we don't speak any more.

I'm sympathetic to you, OP! For a long time I worked part-time and looked after my DS part-time. I found that some full-time SAHMs wanted to meet up more regularly than I did - they had plenty of time at home with their DC, whereas my DS and I were tired from work and nursery and really enjoyed having time just to potter about on our own at home without having meet ups. I think it's hard for full-time SAHMs to realise how different being a part-time working mum is. I finally got to the point where I felt comfortable saying to friends, "So sorry, I can't meet up this week, I just need some time to relax on my own with DS." They were all quite understanding in the end.

If your friend can't be respectful of what you need as a mum, she's not a real friend. Be honest with her, do what's right for you, and if she doesn't like it, well, it's a shame, but it's because of her own insecurities and neediness, not because of you.

Also, meeting the same friend once a week is very frequent if you work 3 1/2 days a week. Meeting up once every couple of weeks sounds entirely reasonable to me.

Sorry about your 'best friend', maddie, she let you down really badly.

Equally though, if PT working mums can't be respectful of what their SAHM friends need in terms of friendship, as long as those demands aren't unreasonable - are they real friends? I would venture not. They're certainly incompatible friends, but I don't think anyone who constantly puts their own needs and wants first is much of a friend, frankly.

Especially in the case of a situation like Thurlow posted above. If you know, say, your best friend is stuck on her own and horribly lonely because of her situation, and you're rigidly sticking to "Nope, sorry, it's family time, no time for you" - are you a real friend? No. You're not. (all "yous" general).

"Family time", btw, is largely a concept invented by parenting "experts" and people who want to sell books and magazines. There was no such thing when I was a kid.

Yeah, she did, marfisa. I've had a really hard time since my mother died and been quite unwell with depression and another long term illness and not once has she made the effort to put our friendship ahead of "family time". I just simply can't be bothered with her any more which is sad, but I'm tired of feeling dispensable to her compared to everyone else.

Maddie that's really sad that your friend wouldnt go to your mothers funeral because it clashed with family time.

I have been thinking about your responses. But still feel the same - completely smothered every week. Just wished we could go back to how we were before, it was chilled I had more time for chores etc.

As I mentioned above we do see other people it's not just family time all the time over the weekend. My family work too so they are only available over the weekend.

I will just have to take some time out on how to approach this. And she does push to met up. That is how she is coming across. It's such a shame as I have tried to get Tyne others to join in on get togethers and they have all said that they are tired of the messages and asking what she has done wrong blah blah.

Well thurs is approaching I'm going to met up with her but I'm going to start to creating a bit of space as I have other people I would like to met up and never get the chance to. Thanks for your messages it's given me some good ideas how to approach this - starting to feel better already!

YANBU. How about you be the first to suggest a meet up, just suggest meeting in a couple of weeks time instead of days.

Memememum - that's a good idea think I will meet up with her thurs and I'm just going to leave by a certain time and cut the visits short. The visits last most of the day and still wants to meet up the following day.

I don't want to loose her as a friend as I really enjoy my time - I just need a healthy balance. I just can't cope with giving too much time to her. My attitude is starting to change and now I'm feeling awkward - if she just accepted when I wasn't free and didn't start reorganising my days then I wouldnt be feeling to smoothered.

She can obviously tell that you're lying (or at least not being totally honest) about being busy, which is making her wonder why you REALLY don't want to meet up. You need to start telling her the truth.

there isn't anything inherently clingy about seeing a friend once a week

Are you kidding me?

If I say that I am busy doing blah blah she starts to get pushy and suggests options of how we can meet up..If I don't meet up with her and say that I have been busy she starts to say 'what have I done'

Maybe I am just an introvert but this would do my nugget in. Hence suggesting that the OP says 'I will let you know when I can meet up'. There is nothing wrong with making your own decisions about how you spend your own free time.

Option 1: be gentle but firm, without apologising. No I can't meet up. No I'm not free to do that. You haven't done anything, I'm just not able to do that.
Option 2: tell her you feel suffocated.
Option 3: back off and avoid her, which is sadly sometimes the only choice.

OP, PeppermintCrayon's suggestions, above, sound very good, but I would call them "steps" instead of "options". Try step/option 1, if it doesn't work, try step/option 2, etc. Good luck.

maddie it’s fine to want to see friends regularly, but to insist on it, and demand to know what you’ve done wrong when it doesn’t happen? That’s not fine. And yes I know this is AIBU, but your posts are quite… extreme. The fact the OP wants some space doesn’t mean they’re not valuing the friend, or dropping them, or anything else of what you said. There aren't just two polarised opposites: see someone religiously every time you have a day off vs. treat them like shit. There is a spectrum of priorities, yeah? It's not just all or nothing?

As I said before, I don't HAVE a family, and I still wouldn't appreciate being suffocated. When did the OP say she was running round preparing for family time?

No, I'm not "kidding you". (how rude!) There isn't anything inherently clingy about it, because some people are perfectly happy to see their friends on a regular basis. It's not that black and white, it's dependent on the people involved. Labelling her clingy for wanting to do something that many people consider perfectly normal is just mean.

Like I say: Why even have friends if you don't want to see them on a regular basis? What's the point in even bothering, if all you want to do is spend your free time with your partner and children?

And no. There's nothing wrong with making decisions about how to spend your time, of course; but people who won't make an effort to keep up friendships because this sacred "family time" (which, again, is a marketing construct) is more important - and actually, in this case, it's not even the family time that's getting in the way, it's the time the OP says she needs to clear the decks of everything else so she can have the family time - shouldn't expect to keep their friends for very long.

I find it very, very sad that people find other people so dispensable. I also don't see why the needs of someone who wants "family time" should come above everyone else's. Why does "family time" trump everything else, if not that friends are completely dispensable to make way for it?

Like I said: Those people aren't being good friends either. It works both ways.

When did the OP say she was running round preparing for family time?

She said upthread somewhere that she needs her day off to do her housework and chores so that her weekends can be all about "family time" and she doesn't have to do any of it then. I find that excessive.

Like I said: Up to her, but I don't see how that's conducive to keeping up friendships.

My posts are not extreme. I simply find it quite offensive that to many people with families, friends are completely dispensable; something only to fit in when there's nothing better to do. I find it irritating that their needs always come first and everyone is always expected to work around this sacred "family time". Again: Fine, if it works for the family, but they really shouldn't expect to have their friends for very long if that's how they feel about them.

I find it irritating that their needs always come first

Of course the family's needs should come before friends...that's the point of a family!

I think you are somewhat biased against 'family time' because of what happened with your friend. But my family always come before friends; I certainly wouldn't stop spending time with family because a friend was insistent that I entertained them because they had nothing better to do.

I'm not biased against anything. Like I say: Whatever works for the individual. But don't be surprised if those who are on the receiving end of always being put last, behind partners and families (extended families, too), get pissed off with waiting around to be "slotted in" and stop bothering, is what I'm saying.

I disagree that family's needs always come before friends. Absolutely disagree. There are situations where friends absolutely should come first (I'm talking close friends here, not like "someone you see at the gym" or whatever). Yes, what my friend did is a prime example of that. Your best friend who's mother has just died really should take a priority over "but my partner wants to do this today and partners come first". If they don't, then you're not a good friend.

Someone upthread said that if a friend wasn't respectful of what you wanted to do with your family, then they weren't a proper friend. It works both ways. If you also aren't respectful of your friends' needs, then you aren't a proper friend to them either. But so often, it's friends who have to give way to "family time". (again: a construct made up for books and magazines. There was no such thing as "family time" when I was growing up).

Nobody said you should stop spending time with family for friends, that's being hyperbolic. But if you really can't be flexible about your "family time" to the extent that a friend in serious need takes a back burner to it, that makes you a lousy friend, I'm afraid.

(you general, not you specific).

Oh good grief. Sorry OP, I'm going to have to hide the thread.

Maddie, you ARE being very black and white. VERY.

Maddie I think you are going off track yes I did mention I would like wkd for family time plus I ALSO see friends.

Your too focused on the whole family time thing that I i don't think you are actually taken on board what I am saying.

It's difficult to get everything ina post that's why you must read all my updates. As I said before I see friends over the weekend too.

This thread has obviously touched a nerve with you. Think you have put your point across. I disagree with your posts as I don't think you are tryingn to see both sides here. I don't just drop my friends I simply came on her trying to get some options of having to save my friendship.

You obviously don't know what it is like to be bombarded to meet up all the time every single week every single message reorganising my days has become beyond irritating - yet I am still trying to salvage my friendship as everyone else has walked away from her!

So all my spare time that I have off should be spent with her because she needs it - not allowed to cater to family because then I am over ruling her because after all she takes a lot of my time anyway, stacks of washing, house chores - who needs clean clothes for work eh?