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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice.....

215 replies

Clinkclank · 19/04/2015 21:27

I have a friend who I really do enjoy spending time with. There is one thing that really puts me off is her being clingy.....

I have a two year old DD and her DD is only 6 months older than mine and they get on well. My friend is currently on maternity leave - she has just had her DS.

I work 3 & 1/2 days per week and she always wants to meet up on my days off which I don't mind visiting or going out for half a day with the kids, but she is always wanting to met up. Sometimes I just simply don't want to as I would like to have the day with my child alone or visiting family and trying to fit in the housework & other chores so we can spend quality time together when the hubby is off over the weekend.

If I say that I am busy doing blah blah she starts to get pushy and suggests options of how we can meet up which at first didn't bother me but is starting to now.

If I don't meet up with her and say that I have been busy she starts to say 'what have I done' and I say nothing? im just busy.

Just really disappointed as I'm starting to feel irritated and smothered. I really enjoy our time together. I feel she is spoiling our friendship with being soo clingy.....

I'm tired of making excuses when I desperately need some space. I feel like I can't be honest with her when I just need the day with my child. inhave hinted that I need some time with my child and she simply doesn't get it.

Any advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:11

Not half as boring as "debating" with someone like you, Ehric. Which I didn't start, by the way - you were the one who barged into it.

Actually, quite a lot of people were talking about ditching friends for family/partners up thread. Perhaps if you could be bothered to read it you'd know that, but then perhaps you're too busy with your silly sheltered life?

MagentaOeuflon · 22/04/2015 16:12

The answer is, they don't come first because they are family. They come first if a person happens to put them first. Just like if I was friends with someone who was really into travelling and was away half the year, I'd have to fit around that and respect that if I wanted them as a friend – and I would.

Of course since I've had DC, I have less time for friends. Basic maths. But I still do see my friends, I have not dumped them all, and I have some very lovely friends who I have known for donkeys' years, I could call in a crisis, BUT who I might not see from one month to the next. But they are my real friends, who recognise that for me (and for them), friendship doesn't mean being constantly available.

And they are the friends who've survived, because they don't give me any shit about being short of time. They understand.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:14

Being short of time is one thing, Magenta. Not having time for your friends because you choose to spend it elsewhere is something else, and of course if that works for you that's great, but you're making a choice nonetheless. So, you (you general, not you specific) should not be at all surprised if when you do finally make time for them, they really can't be bothered either.

MagentaOeuflon · 22/04/2015 16:15

And yes. btw. With my life as busy as it is, and being an introvert too, I would see having to see a friend once a week as too much and as overwhelming. I mean seeing them might be fine, but knowing that I was expected to would really oppress me, because I'd know that sometimes I'd be really tired, or would have a childcare crisis, or urgent work deadline, etc etc etc and then I'd have to let them down. It's got nothing to do with being "sheltered" - what a weird assumption - on the contrary it's because I have a hell of a lot going on.

MagentaOeuflon · 22/04/2015 16:18

I agree with you that I shouldn't be surprised if I lose friends because I don't have time to see them once a week, and indeed I probably have. In fact I've dumped some for being needy. It works fine, because the friends I've kept are the ones who see it like me – it's OK not to see each other all the time or be in touch all the time, because we're busy, but we can enjoy catching up now and again.

The ones who have fallen by the wayside because I've offended them with daring to have a life and be busy, are the ones who would be a pain in the arse for me anyway. So everyone's happy.

iwishiwasasarah · 22/04/2015 16:20

maddie sometimes people put their family first. Sometimes people make friends a greater priority. Everyone is different.

You are starting from the point that the OP thinks that once a week is too intense/needy/clingy. But she never said that. She said that she was okay with once a week but she was being overwhelmed. She wasn't happy with every free second being claimed by the friend and the friend trying to rearrange the OP's life to make more time for the friend. That is a bit much for almost everyone.

Sometimes people don't have a choice about friends/family. Circumstances may have meant that it was impossible to make friends. Circumstances may have meant that there were no family.

Do you think the OP's friend was right to try and rearrange the OP's time - without permission - to make more time when the OP wasn't able to make time for her family. The family were being excluded from the OP's life.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:22

And again, if that suits you and your friends then that's great. But I personally wouldn't then make time in return for that person, because, well, why should I? If they demonstrate to me time and again that everything else is always more important to them, then I'm not going to drop everything when they decide it's time to "make time for their friends". I don't see much give and take going on here on the part of the people with the families; what they want always seems to come first, like "family" is some kind of magical thing that everyone else is supposed to bow down to.

iwishiwasasarah · 22/04/2015 16:22

maddie actually, when the shit hit the fan, it was family that came through for me.

kissmethere · 22/04/2015 16:22

Maddie I cann read your posts anymore. You sound angry...just no words really. I'm off, want to spend time with my "faaaaaamily"...

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:24

sarah - she did say in the OP that she thought she was clingy, but acutally that isn't what I'm getting at. Read back through the early response to the post and you'll see lots of people popping up saying that anyone who wants to see their friends regularly is clingy and needy. No they're not. For a lot of people that's perfectly normal! Again: I'm not addressing the OP's issue, since she was so bloody rude to me I basically couldn't care less. I'm discussing generally, from the starting point of those who replied, actually.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:25

kissmethere - sorry, and you are..?

iwishiwasasarah · 22/04/2015 16:26

tbh there is psychological studies that show it is best for young kids to spend time with family. Being excluded from families can do psychological harm. Friendships need to be developed, obviously, but when it is a good and stable home it is really, really beneficial emotionally and mentally for the kids to be in the family unit. As they grow the kids spend more time with their friends, and that's natural, but when they are young family really is that important.

MewlingQuim · 22/04/2015 16:27

I prioritise time with my husband and child because they are my favourite people in the world. I love my friends, but I love my family more. I don't do 'family time' because I read about it in a book, what a strange idea

I would soon get pissed off with a 'friend' who was so oblivious to my needs that they would impose themselves on me regardless of my objections, who wouldn't?

kissmethere · 22/04/2015 16:28

Not a friend of yours in RL thanks to goodness...

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:28

See, that to me is not "friendship". Someone with whom you "enjoy catching up now and again" is an acquaintance, in my book. If thats the kind of relationship everyone's talking about then we're talking at crossed purposes.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:29

Likewise, kissmethere, you sound rather insufferable. Who the hell barges into a discussion to say "I can't listen to this, I'm off". Rather pathetic, actually!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/04/2015 16:30

Ignore the texts

I'm hideously anti-social sometimes and love my own company but somehow seem to have amassed quite a lot of friends and acquaintances and I mean that genuinely. I'm really not sure how it happened

I would just reply and then ignore further texts. I'm currently dodging meeting up for coffee with someone from a baby class that way. To be fair, I've made it quite clear that I'm really busy atm and will text when I'm free. I tend to reply to every third text or so.

Shakey1500 · 22/04/2015 16:31

I've read the thread.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If you feel smothered, then you feel smothered! Sounds like you do indeed give over and above what I would do to your friend. Nowt wrong at all with being straight and honest with her. Not the "I feel smothered bit" just the "Sorry! Not today I'm planning to do xyz, look forward to catching up next week/whenever"

Do what you feel is right.

kissmethere · 22/04/2015 16:31

yes "I'm"insufferable, run it past me again...

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:32

I would soon get pissed off with a 'friend' who was so oblivious to my needs that they would impose themselves on me regardless of my objections, who wouldn't?

Right, but equally, you sound just as oblivious to other peoples' needs because your husband and family always come first. Friends are apt to get pissed off with that too.

I mean, seriously. If, say, your best friend was in dire need over something - whatever, can't think of an example - you'd really say "Sorry, tough shit, my husband comes first" because it's "family time"??? That doesn't make you a good friend and again, it's always those with the family whose needs trump everyone elses! Selfish.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:33

I thought you were off, kissmethere, don't you have your important "faaaaaamily" to run to? Go away.

Shakey1500 · 22/04/2015 16:37

Maddie I'm sorry about what happened with your friend, that was unbelievably cruel.

But I think it's fair to say that, generally, if someone is in dire need, most folk would drop everything. Massive difference though between dire need and what the OP is experiencing imo.

DakotaFanny · 22/04/2015 16:37

This isn't about a friend in need though, is it? It's about a needy, clingy friend.

I'm sure most half decent people would drop everything to help a friend in dire need over something. Maddie, I don't blame you for being furious that your ex friend did not do this- appalling behaviour on her part- but the OP is talking about a friend demanding too much time on a day to day basis, who is not in dire need.

DakotaFanny · 22/04/2015 16:38

Ah, my first proper x-post!

(Waves at Shakey)

kissmethere · 22/04/2015 16:42

"Kindly do not tell me what to do"
(Whistles and walks away to do as I please)

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