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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice.....

215 replies

Clinkclank · 19/04/2015 21:27

I have a friend who I really do enjoy spending time with. There is one thing that really puts me off is her being clingy.....

I have a two year old DD and her DD is only 6 months older than mine and they get on well. My friend is currently on maternity leave - she has just had her DS.

I work 3 & 1/2 days per week and she always wants to meet up on my days off which I don't mind visiting or going out for half a day with the kids, but she is always wanting to met up. Sometimes I just simply don't want to as I would like to have the day with my child alone or visiting family and trying to fit in the housework & other chores so we can spend quality time together when the hubby is off over the weekend.

If I say that I am busy doing blah blah she starts to get pushy and suggests options of how we can meet up which at first didn't bother me but is starting to now.

If I don't meet up with her and say that I have been busy she starts to say 'what have I done' and I say nothing? im just busy.

Just really disappointed as I'm starting to feel irritated and smothered. I really enjoy our time together. I feel she is spoiling our friendship with being soo clingy.....

I'm tired of making excuses when I desperately need some space. I feel like I can't be honest with her when I just need the day with my child. inhave hinted that I need some time with my child and she simply doesn't get it.

Any advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:

MagentaOeuflon · 22/04/2015 16:45

No maddie, you're wrong. I know who my real friends are. One lives in NZ and it's a couple of years since I saw him, but if he walked in now we'd be chatting away and laughing like there hadn't been a gap. I've known him for nearly 30 years. We went on holiday recently with an old friend and her kids. We had loads of lovely long wine-fuelled chats late into the night, the kids got on great, it was fab. It was the first time we'd seen her in over a year.

I see people every day / week, like my neighbours, school mums, etc, but they're acquaintances.

If you think it's just about quantity and availability, maybe it's you who's missing out.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:46

It seems many people on this thread are incapable of distinguishing between a question in the OP, and a thread that has moved on into general discussion. All a bit sad really.

My questions are general. I don't care about the OP's situation.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:48

I'm not missing out at all, thanks Magenta.

Shakey1500 · 22/04/2015 16:53

Charming

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:56

The obvious distinction there Magenta is that he lives in New Zealand and it's physically impossible for him to make time to see you on a regular basis. Long distance friendships are a bit different.

Someone close by, who could make the effort but chooses not to because everything else is always more important to them, is not a "friend".

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:57

What's charming? That I don't care about the OP's question? Why should I? She made it perfectly clear she didn't give a crap about my opinion and told me not to bother posting on her thread. Sorry, but no, after that I don't care. I'm talking generally, as part of the discussion that moved on from her original question.

Arentyouanastypieceofwork · 22/04/2015 16:58

Can't for the life of me think why one of your friends wouldn't drop everything for you

flabbyducks · 22/04/2015 17:03

maddie you sound very angry , it's not OP's fault you were let down

OP is just saying she wants a balance

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 17:05

Can't for the life of me think why one of your friends wouldn't drop everything for you

I'm sorry, who the fuck are you? Was I talking to you? No, I don't think so.

At least I have friends, unlike the majority of people on this thread who are stuck with their partners and snotty kids all the time.

iwishiwasasarah · 22/04/2015 17:05

I think it depends on the individual. Taking it as a sort of generic stamp, by the time you have worked and done whatever share of housework and cooking and caught up with yourself then there aren't that many hours in the day. If you like your partner, and a lot of us do, then you want to spend time with the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. It's great to see friends, but there are a limited number of minutes in the day. You catch up when you can.

I don't have that much time in my life to spend several days a week (using the OP as a starting point, this is what the friend was asking for) to choose to spend with anyone!

DinkyDye · 22/04/2015 17:06

OP apparently the thread has moved on, however l would find every week catch-ups too much also.

l work FT and Sundays are my down days, l rarely leave the house and just mooch around. One of my dear friends who I've known for over 20 years kept trying to organise a Sunday catch up because l had a few Saturday's in a row l couldn't do.

l just told her straight why l couldn't do that day. She still takes the piss about it but as l point out she has 7 days to do around her house what l cram into 2. We are still friends but definitely don't catch up on Sundays.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 17:06

I'm not angry at all, flabbyducks. I just find people who're stuck like glue to their families rather pathetic. There's a big world out there.

iwishiwasasarah · 22/04/2015 17:10

maddie no-one else seems to feel the need to take it on to general discussion (could be wrong). Perhaps you would get more responses and a more general discussion if you started a thread on this topic.

I keep getting drawn back to the OP because I suppose it is the starting point, so a new thread may be more useful for you.

Shakey1500 · 22/04/2015 17:12

I think maddie that clink had expressed her regret at what happened to you and gave up after a few exchanges where you stressed your opinion.

I find you not very charming.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 17:13

I'm only answering points that other people have brought up, so go figure.

Arentyouanastypieceofwork · 22/04/2015 17:18

But in a really rude way. There's no need. People up-thread tried to offer you support, you bit back at them. "All a bit sad really".

DinkyDye · 22/04/2015 17:42

Maybe Maddie others find people who would put their friends before their family pathetic.

l know l do. I find it sad you don't appear to want to spend time with your family.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 17:53

As rude as namechanging to something provocative and having a pop at me directly, you mean?

Right, DinkyDye, so you don't think that friends should ever come before family? Do you think, for example, that a supposed "friend" who blows out her best friends' mothers funeral because she's got something she'd rather do with her partner and child so she can have her "family time" is a good friend and the friend whose mother has died is "pathetic" for expecting her best friend to be there for her? Really? Yeah, okay. That's the kind of "family time" I find pathetic. The inflexible, dyed in the wool "I don't care what you've got going on, I'm not disturbing my "family time" for you". That isn't friendship. That's using people, and it's disgusting.

flabbyducks · 22/04/2015 18:02

maddie you need to calm down and stop attacking people

Arentyouanastypieceofwork · 22/04/2015 18:04

As many many people have totally agreed upon. Your friend's behaviour was despicable. Nobody has said otherwise.

Andylion · 22/04/2015 18:05

maddie needs to start her own thread about her friend, not hijack this one.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 18:05

No, I don't. I'm perfectly calm. I asked a perfectly reasonable question in response to DinkyDye's post: would she think in that situation that someone who put their friend before a jolly with their family was "pathetic"?

And whether I spend time with my family is none of her business.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 18:07

Fine, then if we're agreed that behaviour was despicable, then how about you all stop automatically saying that family should always come before friends? Because not all the damn time, they shouldn't. And you all accuse me of being blinkered? That is what I have an issue with - the blanket assumption that family always trumps friends.

Don't tell me what to do, Andylion. If you don't want to read my posts then don't, but you're not the forum police.

kissmethere · 22/04/2015 18:08

Oh dear (sees maddie is still here and runs away!)

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 18:10

Bored with your faaaaaamily time already are you, kissmethere? Do run along, there's a good girl.

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