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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice.....

215 replies

Clinkclank · 19/04/2015 21:27

I have a friend who I really do enjoy spending time with. There is one thing that really puts me off is her being clingy.....

I have a two year old DD and her DD is only 6 months older than mine and they get on well. My friend is currently on maternity leave - she has just had her DS.

I work 3 & 1/2 days per week and she always wants to meet up on my days off which I don't mind visiting or going out for half a day with the kids, but she is always wanting to met up. Sometimes I just simply don't want to as I would like to have the day with my child alone or visiting family and trying to fit in the housework & other chores so we can spend quality time together when the hubby is off over the weekend.

If I say that I am busy doing blah blah she starts to get pushy and suggests options of how we can meet up which at first didn't bother me but is starting to now.

If I don't meet up with her and say that I have been busy she starts to say 'what have I done' and I say nothing? im just busy.

Just really disappointed as I'm starting to feel irritated and smothered. I really enjoy our time together. I feel she is spoiling our friendship with being soo clingy.....

I'm tired of making excuses when I desperately need some space. I feel like I can't be honest with her when I just need the day with my child. inhave hinted that I need some time with my child and she simply doesn't get it.

Any advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 17:24

oh and because she asks to meet up all the time and most days cornered into taking all my spare time as I'm trying to be nice to keep her company I simply can't do it anymore - well if that makes me the bad guy then so be it as my feelings should be taken into account as well.

And if I don't want to met someone I should f&cking have to!

Thanks to those who have given me some good tips.

I must dash as I'm working overtime. I won't be home till late and it looks like I will be working overtime for the next two days so when I have my days on and she hounds me to met up on thurs I must be there for her otherwise I am being mean. Stuff me and my time-i hardly get enough anyway!

Don't bothered posting not interested in your replies maddie so one sided.

Anyone who has some extra good tips are welcome. If I get the game to log back on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 17:25

Ha! Sorry for the typos ! But as you know I'm in a bit of a rush

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 20/04/2015 17:42

Friends are important - as are family. Having friends doesn't mean you have to spend every available minute with them. Everyone has other commitments, and we all need time to ourselves once in a while too. That isn't selfish or being a bad friend, it's common sense.

maddiehayesfan · 20/04/2015 18:14

Not half as black and white as someone who insists that all their free time must be family time. Not half. I find that insular and frankly a bit weird and creepy.

maddiehayesfan · 20/04/2015 18:17

Clinkclank, kindly do not tell me what to do. I will post if I see fit. You do not own this board and I will say what I like. Just because you don't agree with me, you don't get to tell me what to do.

And yes: People who can't be bothered to make time for their friends are shit friends, it's that simple. That's their prerogative, of course, but don't expect those friends to be there for you when you need them.

maddiehayesfan · 20/04/2015 18:19

Nobody said you had to spend every minute with your friends, taxi4ballet. But someone who says "all my free time must be family time!" is a shit friend. Why bother having friends? I find it pathetic, frankly. Silly women chained to their husband and children.

AlternativeTentacles · 20/04/2015 18:27

Silly women chained to their husband and children

Hmm. I don't have a husband or children, I have a partner who I have been with 11 years and I love spending time alone or with him. I see my friends when [get this] I want to! Not when they tell me I have to.

Weird huh?

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/04/2015 18:27

I have a friend like this (only she's not on mat leave/a mum yet). Honestly her neediness has driven me to keep her at arms length for months now.

She's always been quite possessive but once I got pregnant it ramped up to unprecedented levels and I couldn't cope with it. Various very odd things were said and she started demanding we see each other once a week, every single week in the evenings (we work together and travel there together!). Just too much.

ClashCityRocker · 20/04/2015 18:29

She hasn't said all her free time must be family time.

She obviously still wants to see her friend, as well as her other friends, as well as having some downtime for herself and catching up on chores. Non of that is unreasonable.

Likewise, asking someone to meet up once a week isn't unreasonable. Pestering them when they've declined and trying to reorganise their lives in order to facilitate meeting up is very unreasonable.

I've been in your situation before OP and completely see where you're coming from. You need to be firm - 'no, I'm just having a quiet day doing xyz. I need some downtime'.

Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 18:30

YAWN! Maddie you are boring me ......

I'm literally turning into a parrot with you that I'm not going to give you anymore time

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 20/04/2015 18:48

People who can't be bothered to make time for their friends are shit friends

Well, people who constantly demand that their friend spends all their free time with them and throw Teddy out of the pram when they don't get their own way aren't that great either.

Mrsbobdylan · 20/04/2015 18:51

Op NEVER said all her free time must be family time. Give her a break maddie please.

I don't see my best friend regularly-her family comes firsts as does mine. We''ve been bf for 36 years and absolutely adore each other.

taxi4ballet · 20/04/2015 19:34

How about if we were to substitute the word 'friend' with 'boyfriend'?

What if he were to obsessively pester his girlfriend all the time, constantly demand that they spend ALL their free time together and refuse to take no for an answer? Would that be a healthy relationship? No, of course not.

pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 20:23

Taxi4ballet - completely agree

OP posts:
Original poster
Clinkclank · 20/04/2015 20:35

Pocket-took the words out of my mouth :)

OP posts:
Thurlow · 20/04/2015 21:58

I agreed with Maddie. If you'd read the thread.

Not sure she's the rude one here. Just has a.different opinion Hmm

Original poster
Clinkclank · 21/04/2015 06:20
Hmm
OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 21/04/2015 08:24

Yes, a lot of people would call that clingy and needy.

That's just the way it is.

Other people might not call that clingy or needy. That's fine for them.

The important thing here is that OP is finding this friendship suffocating. That's her prerogative and she is entitled to want to manage her time in a way that is good for her and her family.

If the friend is lonely and/or perhaps more of an extrovert, she will need to find other friends who suit her personality. It isn't the OPs job to manage her friend's life needs. That might sound harsh but it's the truth. She can still maintain a friendship and nurture it, but they don't need to live in each other's pockets. And if less time together isn't good enough for the friend, then the friend will need to take her own steps to maintain her own wants and needs.

OP, you need to say it clearly but kindly - I really like meeting up but I can't do it quite so often. I wouldn't say you'll let her know when you want to meet up as that sounds a little dismissive. What I would do is make plans every time you see her. So let's say, two weeks away or something. That way it's sorted and she knows it's penciled in and you haven't forgotten about her.

meercat23 · 21/04/2015 08:28

Well some people on this thread seem to be determined to misunderstand. What I read from the first post is that the OP enjoys spending time with this friend but does not like feeling that she has no choice but to spend all available weekday free time with her. Any attempt to do something else leads to friend wanting to find ways of reorganising whatever OP needs to do to fit in with what she wants. It sounds as if she doesn't pick up on what OP is trying to say. This is a bit odd and seems to have lead to other friends backing off. Perhaps the kindest thing would be to sit her down and tell her that as you only have those one and a half days each week you can't commit all of that time to her as that cuts out other things you want and need to do

Does the same thing happen about weekends or does she have other things to do herself then

Original poster
Clinkclank · 21/04/2015 08:33

Meetcat sometimes we meet up weekends like Saturday am at soft play or a party.

I know there will be an opportunity for me to explain that Im struggling for time plus I'm craving some quite time too. I have been thinking how to best manage this and some points have been great and got me in the right frame set to discuss this with her.

OP posts:
iwishiwasasarah · 21/04/2015 08:48

Maddie - people are allowed to want to spend time with partners. If you chose to spend your life with someone, if you love them, if you care about them, then surely it should be more than a snatched half hour here and there. Surely you should spend a greater proportion of time with them - not all, but more.

People are allowed to want to make memories of just one-on-one time with their little one. To give the child their full attention and keep that bond.

It is actually legal to not want to spend every bit of spare time with a friend. If you read what Clinkclank wrote, she is happy to spend some time with the friend. Just not all the time.

To be honest, if someone tried to reorganise my time to suit someone else without a damn good reason I wouldn't rule out harsh language no matter how fond I was of them.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 09:34

Not saying they're not. But this "Every weekend must be family time" nonsense is just that: Nonsense. People have bought into a concept sold by books and lifestyle magazines which says that you're a terrible parent unless you're spending all your free time carving out "memories" and finger painting with 2 year olds with both parents simultaneously cooing over the child, completely unable to do anything else. Do you have no minds of your own? It's ludicrous.

I find people who spend every second of their free time with their family to be rather simple, not-very-well-rounded individuals, frankly. My acquaintance who spends every spare second with her family is a prime example of that.

mariposa10 · 22/04/2015 12:10

Agree with Maddie. This concept of 'family time' is just a lot of Mumsnet martyrs spending their time pandering to the every whim of their husband and children. And incidentally are the same ones who come on here after Christmas complaining that the little darlings threw a fit/thumped their baby brother/screamed for 8 hours solid when they only received 200 presents rather than the usual 250.

You attend to your 'stacks of washing' if you like, but don't be surprised if when your children grow up and leave home you're friends have mysteriously disappeared.

MagentaOeuflon · 22/04/2015 12:26

Like Peppermint, I'm NC with most of my family but I still don't want to have to do things with friends all the time. I need time that's for me, time that's just me and DC, and time as a whole family (inc. DP) which is mainly at weekends. I'm definitely not a mummy martyr - I work, and time alone is very important to me too. And as I work, that doesn't leave a lot of time for friendships – I do see friends, but paradoxically I'm more likely to see those who don't badger me and can pick up where we left off. I hate being pressurised to see someone or having them demanding to know why I can't, and tbh I'd drop someone like that sooner or later – not because they I think they deserve it, but because I can't handle it.

I don't think this is just a new mum thing either. I've had my share of needy friends way before DC. I think some people are just too full-on and demanding in friendships, just as some are in relationships. They tend to want to make friends very fast and see you as much as possible. There's no law saying you have to go along with it.

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