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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice.....

215 replies

Clinkclank · 19/04/2015 21:27

I have a friend who I really do enjoy spending time with. There is one thing that really puts me off is her being clingy.....

I have a two year old DD and her DD is only 6 months older than mine and they get on well. My friend is currently on maternity leave - she has just had her DS.

I work 3 & 1/2 days per week and she always wants to meet up on my days off which I don't mind visiting or going out for half a day with the kids, but she is always wanting to met up. Sometimes I just simply don't want to as I would like to have the day with my child alone or visiting family and trying to fit in the housework & other chores so we can spend quality time together when the hubby is off over the weekend.

If I say that I am busy doing blah blah she starts to get pushy and suggests options of how we can meet up which at first didn't bother me but is starting to now.

If I don't meet up with her and say that I have been busy she starts to say 'what have I done' and I say nothing? im just busy.

Just really disappointed as I'm starting to feel irritated and smothered. I really enjoy our time together. I feel she is spoiling our friendship with being soo clingy.....

I'm tired of making excuses when I desperately need some space. I feel like I can't be honest with her when I just need the day with my child. inhave hinted that I need some time with my child and she simply doesn't get it.

Any advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:
maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 13:54

It's actually the kids I feel the most sorry for. Bored children sitting around playing games with their parents because some "expert" in a magazine or on the telly has told them that "family time" must come first and must happen, when they'd rather be socialising with their friends or pursuing hobbies that are going to enrich them as a person or teach them something, but nooooo, they've got to to stay in being bored with Mum and Dad because Parenting Magazine says so. It's ludicrous.

The people who say "My partner and he/she must always come first" are the same people who'll drop their friends the second they hook up with someone. Shallow selfish people wast their friends aside because all they've been doing is using them to fill the time until a partner comes along. It's horrible. I have no time for people like that. Invariably they're the same type who'll be on the phone to their friends wanting sympathy when their partner goes off with the 20-year old blonde down the street. Sorry, no; they can fuck off. If friends are so much less important than partners, then don't expect to rely on them when your partners let you down.

iwishiwasasarah · 22/04/2015 14:01

Maddie from what I can see, the OP doesn't want to spend all of her time with her family. She just wants to spend some of her time with her family. It is the OP's friend that wants to spend all of the free time together, even to the extent of trying to rearrange the OP's work for her.

I think the OP's friend sounds a bit odd.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 14:36

I'm talking generally. I'm not talking about the OP. She's already made it quite clear that my opinion is not welcome, so I'm not wasting my breath trying to address her issue.

I find people who want to spend so much time with their families to be very odd, very insular, and frankly a bit childish. Some people just need to cut the apron strings.

kissmethere · 22/04/2015 15:04

I have had a couple of friends like this and it is suffocating. They're in a different home situation to mine and really couldn't understand that I wanted time on my own or to sit and have another coffee when all I could think about was being at home or things I needed to be doing. I ended up making myself unavailable because I found them too clingy. Really overstepping the boundaries in various ways.
I like a balance as I'm sure op is saying and these people are still friends but they now know I'm not at a loose end and I DO like to spend time with just family. Not all the time
But there are times when yes, I do want to do that.
Mariposa and maddie. I think this is something that doesn't appeal to you, fair enough, but some people want to do this and some people overstep the boundaries which isn't on. Ops friend is trying to monopolise her time so she can be fitted in. Whatever her situation it's not surprising people have backed away because

kissmethere · 22/04/2015 15:06

Oops...
Of this. It's possessive and suffocating, down time, family time, ds time whatever it's ops time and ahe isn't obliged to her friend!

mariposa10 · 22/04/2015 15:06

Magenta of course time alone is important, it's entirely reasonable to want time away from people when you aren't working. I think we're all now talking about slightly different things here, it's just that the original post made reference to a friend who is seen as pushy for wanting contact once a week. The implication was that housework and family take precedence over friendships when in fact friends should be valued and cherished rather than seen as someone to fill in the two hours you aren't loading the washing machine or ironing your husband's shirts.

iwishiwasasarah · 22/04/2015 15:10

maddie just so I am clear, how much time should someone be allowed to spend with their families? You seem to be arguing that it should be no time at all, which I think personally is just as unhealthy as spending all your time with them.

kissmethere · 22/04/2015 15:19

Mariposa so that's all women at home do is it? At home ironing their husbands shirts?
And is what if that is what they'v doing instead of pacifying someone who is demanding their time Hmm

Summerisle1 · 22/04/2015 15:20

Everyone needs a bit of balance in their lives. Although from some of the comments on here it suggests that the word "balance" is entirely missing from their vocabulary. Likewise, "compromise".

It simply isn't necessary to dump friends for family or vice versa. It should be entirely possible to enjoy time with both. But it is extremely difficult to deal with friends who can't, or won't, accept that this is possible. It is exhausting, in fact, and made all the worse by the guilt that you feel when trying to set some sort of balance.

I have a rather needy but lovely friend. This year I introduced her to several other friends. All of them lovely too. But the sheer pushiness of Original Friend has made them wary of developing lasting friendship. I know that Original Friend is lonely and also our friendship goes back a long way and I've no intention of ending it.

However, I still have to "manage" how we spend our time together and have realised that meeting up to do something specific which has an end time is one of the best ways to do it. Perhaps a similar, more definite arrangement would suit you, OP? Only you don't have to meet every single week in order to maintain a friendship. But loose arrangements to get together rarely work when a friend pushes for more of your time than you can practically give them.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 15:31

No, I'm not. In fact, I'm very clearly using my acquaintance as an example. As I said upthread, she wants to spend almost all her time with her family. She's in her 40s, yet she spends every day with her mother, when her grandparents were alive she'd spend part of most days with them. She spends every single half term and a couple of weeks at Christmas/Summer holidays at her sister's house - taking her mother, her kids, and all their crap with them in the car and descending on the sister's house while the poor sister's husband has to hide in his office for a fortnight at a time to get away from it.

Some people never cut the apron strings and I find it extremely immature and sad. Pathetic, actually. It's simply not natural to want to spend that much time with your family.

Yes, it absolutely should be possible to enjoy time with both, but I have a massive problem with people who can't be bothered to see their friends because being with their partner is always more important to them. In the OP - not that she gives a crap what I think - she clearly stated that she wanted her day off free any obligation to see her friend so she could do her chores to clear the decks for "family time" at the weekend. I find that kind of attitude extremely OTT. As I've said all along, fine if that works for you, but don't then expect your friends to be avaiable to fit you in when you decide you've got time for them.

Again: "Family time" - a ridiculous concept, sold by parenting magazines. No doubt American in origin.

CrohnicallyInflexible · 22/04/2015 15:33

mariposa the original post made reference to a friend who wanted to see her every single day off, and wouldnt take no for an answer, even though OP actually saw her once a week.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 15:33

Yes, I'm sure some people do overstep boundaries. My question is, why is it always the person with the "family" whose boundaries and wishes and needs are more important? The friends are always expected to acquiesce to their wishes because "faaaaamily" is some kind of trump card that means nobody else's wishes should be taken into account.
Again Fine if that works for you, but don't expect to have any friends left when you need them!

Summerisle1 · 22/04/2015 15:35

Again: "Family time" - a ridiculous concept, sold by parenting magazines. No doubt American in origin.

Really? Only I've tended to use it as a shorthand for "time spent with family" not some sort of sacred rite. But then I also have family members who are American so I guess I'm doubly damned according to your criteria.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 15:37

Family time, used in this context, tends to mean "This is time carved out only for me and my family and woe betide anything should get in the way of it, we will not change our plans to accommodate anyone or anything because it's "family time". I find it utterly pathetic, actually, that people are that rigid.

MagentaOeuflon · 22/04/2015 15:44

Maddie you obviously feel very strongly... but it's not that "family time" is more important than any other kind of time. It's that people are free to spend their time how they like, and they get to choose, so tough titty. There may be some families who are weirdly isolated and never see another soul because of their crazed obsession with "family time", but I can't say I've met them.

I totally empathise with OP about feeling smothered by the overbearing friend (who is not just asking for once a week, she's asking for more and getting once a week and it's not enough) – yet I don't sit at home and never see anyone. And when we do sit at home, my kids love it because they enjoy a nice low-key time watching telly, playing on the computer or playing in the garden.

The fact is there exist people who are introverts, homebodies or just shy, for whom some downtime or alone time is really important. There may be others who think it's their right to socialise non-stop, and that everyone they know should be at their beck and call - but they are wrong. People get to choose how they spend their time.

iwishiwasasarah · 22/04/2015 15:45

maddie no-one on this thread is saying that you should only spend time with family. No-one has said what you are so angry about.

MagentaOeuflon · 22/04/2015 15:46

Just realise how daft my first para is. Of course I wouldn't have met them! But what I mean is I know loads of families who have a sensible balance of time spent socialising and time spent doing their own thing, for whom "family time" is not some mad obsession that makes their kids miserable.

angelos02 · 22/04/2015 15:50

Maddie people can spend their time however they choose. I have lost friends over the years as they wanted more of my time than I wanted to give. Hey ho. No biggie.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 15:51

Of course they do. Equally, that does not give any of you the right to call people who view a once-a-week friendship thing as clingy and needy. It isn't. It might be to you, who's an introvert and needs downtime, but that to a lot of people is a perfectly normal frequency to see their good friends. Until partners come along, that is, then the friends get left out in the cold because partners are more "important". And bugger what their feelings or needs or wants are, because it's always the person with the "faaaaamily" whose needs and opinions are more important. Why is that, exactly?

Damn right I feel strongly about this. People are not dispensable, things to be chucked away the second a partner/family comes along. Again, if you can't be bothered to make regular time for your friends because everything else is more important, then don't piss them about, because you're not their "friend".

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/04/2015 15:51

Again: "Family time" - a ridiculous concept, sold by parenting magazines. No doubt American in origin

Wow maddie, could you possibly make this point any more times? Just adding my voice to those who sympathise with the OP and feel that maddie is oddly crusading about this issue and has totally misunderstood the OP's difficulty.

Family time, for me, means chilling out at home, pottering around the house, doing jobs, hanging out with DS without having to entertain anyone or think about being sociable. As an introvert times like that are vital given that I spend 30 hours a week at work interacting with people in very intense ways. I actively avoid friendships that feel like 'work' and my life is better for it. I wouldn't tolerate a needy friend and care not if maddie thinks that makes me a bitch. I have lots of great friends who sustain me as I do them but none of whom make demands on me I'm not comfortable with.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 15:52

Some of you seem to have a VERY loose definition of "friends". Perhaps you're referring more to acquaintances.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/04/2015 15:54

No maddie, you have a very rigid and prescriptive idea of what friendship is. Fine if you have friends who can provide that to you but loads of people don't want that weirdly intense relationship that you are describing as the only 'real' friendship and that's also completely fine. People are different y'know.

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 15:59

Sigh. As I've said: I don't actually care about the OP's difficulty, since she's made it so clear that she doesn't give a crap and actually told me not to bother posting on her thread (sorry love, it's not your thread, it's a thread on a message board, you don't own it!). I'm having a general discussion about the concept. Which bit of that is difficult?

I don't have a rigid and prescriptive idea at all. I have a huge issue with people who drop their friends in the shit because a partner and kids is always "more important". Sometimes it isn't. To suggest it is is even more "prescriptive and rigid" than what you're saying is.

Really? You think seeing a friend once a week is weird and intense? Good god, how sheltered are you?

maddiehayesfan · 22/04/2015 16:05

I have lots of great friends who sustain me as I do them but none of whom make demands on me I'm not comfortable with.

Like I said, and not one person has yet been able to explain this: why does the person with the family's comfort come first, always? Why do their needs and preferences take precedence over those of their friends, simply because they must have their (extremely prescriptive, actually) "family time" ?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/04/2015 16:07

If it's making you sigh how about you stop engaging? You're having an argument which doesn't exist since nobody talked about ditching friends for partners apart from you. As you say, that wasn't the OP's issue and you are the only one who wants to discuss it. I'm also not sure how you extrapolate that I'm 'sheltered' because I don't like your concept of friendship and find it intense. It's not the frequency of seeing friends (I have friends I'd gladly see weekly but we are all too busy for that, seeing other friends, or maybe family!!) it's the intensity. But since you have the debate skills of a charging bull I'm going to give up now as it's quite boring.