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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not enjoy family life

218 replies

winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 18:39

It's relentless.

Churning out meal after meal.

Washing. Ironing. Working (part time). Broken nights - various reasons like nightmares, itchy heads(!), temperatures etc. Constant penny pinching.

I'm sure my 4 dcs are no less demanding than any other but the constant squabbles and demands for this that and the other are wearing.

Even walking my dogs seems like another chore.

I am shattered. I feel so low that there are years of this tedium ahead. No prospect of any break or holidays. I am JEALOUS of all these other parents jetting off to Dubai, the Caribbean, skiing holidays over Easter.

H works many hours each week. He pitches in where possible. He's making bread with the dcs now after gardening with them today. I was ironing and sorting underwear.

Why am I not enjoying this life? Is this family life? I'm not cut out for it. I'm not physically strong enough anymore. I hate it.

Shit. A pity party.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 18/04/2015 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 18:42

10, 8, 5 and 2.

OP posts:
ahfuckit · 18/04/2015 18:44

Do you always feel like this? Or has something changed? We all have monotony in our lives to some extent. Flowers

peltata · 18/04/2015 18:44

I found the quality of my life improved as soon as I stopped ironing everything and use more convenience foods. I had at least 3 hours to myself in the week to go off and have lunch with a friend or go for a swim and a coffee afterwards. I think the key is to carve out some time for yourself doing something you want.

paxtecum · 18/04/2015 18:44

Wonky: four children and dogs? That is a lot of work.

SconesForTea · 18/04/2015 18:45

I agree. It's relentless and I don't enjoy it.

FindoGask · 18/04/2015 18:45

It sounds like you're just totally worn down, understandably. How long have you felt like this? Is there any chance you might be able to carve out some time for yourself? Do your children help (in age appropriate way) with stuff around the house too?

LindyHemming · 18/04/2015 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 18/04/2015 18:46

Sounds like you need a break from the old routine ....yesterday

Purplepoodle · 18/04/2015 18:46

Stop ironing. Have lower house cleaning standards. Weekends I don't cook. We get takeaway or supermarket pizza/ping food.

Looseleaf · 18/04/2015 18:47

Could you rehome the dogs as when you have too much to do I'm not surprised the walks feel too much. Or better can you afford a dog walker or find a volunteer on Borrow my Doggie?

Do you think this is just a reaction to too many demands on you and limited energy? I have very limited energy (allergy-related ill health) and have to control what I do carefully to manage in a happy way

Rivercam · 18/04/2015 18:48

I think it's hard having young children at home, because you don't a break.

Have you got undiagnosed post-natal depression. It can occur any time, not straight after childbirth. It may be worth visiting the doctor to check this, or to see if your iron or thyroid levels are low.

Do you factor in 'down' times for yourself, whether it's a cup of tea, reading a book, or watching Poldark?

paxtecum · 18/04/2015 18:49

I mean this is the best possible way - presumably you have taken measures not to have a surprise pregnancy.
I second giving up ironing - though you may have given that up long ago!

Greymalkin · 18/04/2015 18:53

I feel for you OP, it does sound like a relentless slog.

I agree with previous posters - lower your standards of house keeping, don't iron everything, and use some convenience foods a few times a week.

As all your children get older, they should all be able to help more, and hopefully things will get easier.

And absolutely, you must have time every week without fail for you to do something just for you. You are not the family servant, you are a person with your own feelings and needs too.

CharlesRyder · 18/04/2015 19:02

I assume you imagined/ planned a large family?

Can you take some time out to think about how you imagined it being and the reality and try to 'close the gap'? What is it that is not how you thought it would be?

kewtogetin · 18/04/2015 19:05

Do you do anything for yourself or have anytime just for you? I think the problem is you feel like a cog in a machine instead of a person. Your husband sounds like he's supportive and hands on so instead of sorting underwear why not go to the gym instead or for a run etc?

Original poster
winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 19:06

I wish my standards of housekeeping were high enough to be lowered!

The ironing - well, I have to do it otherwise the dcs look rumpled and messy. I've tried all the suggestions about avoiding creases.

I never feel rested. Never feel energetic. And there is no way I am having any more dcs.

It's not just the mundane. It's the prospect of nothing to look forward to. We both work hard all the time.

Family life is not fun. I think I hate it.

OP posts:
hobNong · 18/04/2015 19:06

It sounds to me like you're stuck in a rut and you need some alone time where you do something that is just for you. I get overwhelmed by the demands of my one baby. You've got four and dogs as well, that's a lot and I'm not surprised you're feeling a bit fed up.

Could your older two dcs take this dog out for walks on their own? Could your husband do a bit more? Definitely cut out as much ironing as possible. Hoover less etc. In fact I think you should give yourself a week off of nonessential house work. Tell your husband you need to recharge, because it sounds like you do.

Please try not to be jealous of anyone else. I know lots of people who look like they are having a great time but behind closed doors it's a different story. I've found the people who shout the loudest about their wonderful lives and great holidays, tend to be the most insecure. Put other people out of your mind and focus on yourself.

Purplepoodle · 18/04/2015 19:10

Have you had a check up health wise. Anemia could leave u exhausted?

CultureSucksDownWords · 18/04/2015 19:14

I think you really do need some regular time just for yourself. Time to do a sport/exercise, a hobby, whatever interests you. Something that you enjoy and will give you something to look forward to.

Can you talk about this with your DH and see if you can find a weekly slot of time? A weekend morning maybe?

hobNong · 18/04/2015 19:14

Also I think you need to find contentment with what you have. Life is what it is. There isn't really anything to look forward. Some people never leave their city of birth, especially if you think about people in poorer parts of the world. I think some people try searching for happiness. They think having a massive house or winning the lottery or moving to New Zealand will make them happy. But happiness is an internal thing.

If you are feeling really hopeless maybe you are depressed. Have you gained or lost a lot of weight? When I've been depressed I lose my appetite and can lose a lot of weight but I know some people comfort eat. You might find that you're sleeping a lot more or have insomnia, it can go both ways. Feelings of hopelessness and not getting enjoyment out of things that you used to enjoy are classic symptoms of depression.

Skiptonlass · 18/04/2015 19:18

Where's your you time? Sounds like you're doing a great job of bringing your family up but you need time for YOU as well, or you'll just end up completely subsumed in the mother role. :/

Can you get one night and a couple of hours each weekend of childcare (hubby?) so that you can go and do something for yourself?

I second the less housework stance - at ten, your oldest is old enough to earn some pocket money doing household chores or taking the dog out for a walk.

Also see your GP for a good work up - anaemia or thyroid issues can floor you (get a proper thyroid work up, not just TSH!)

cerealqueen · 18/04/2015 19:24

Why are you doing the shitty relentless repeated tasks and your DH doing the more rewarding stuff?

It is horrible and relentless, I agree. I would plan something to do at weekends for family time and separately for you - you need time to yourself.

Sazzle41 · 18/04/2015 19:24

Four is a lot of kids: 2 would be my total limit energy wise. But since you are there now, its about survival... Stop ironing, if you dry it on a hanger its not perfect but its not rumpled either. Dont always cook from scratch, 'quiet time' once a day where they either play/nap/watch crap TV and you chill is a must. Older children do small tasks to help - laying/clearing table, room tidying, dog walking etc. Your husband sounds onside at least , make date night a thing too. Sod the cost of babysitting. You need adult wind down time away from the grind to recharge.

Pefectionists i know who thrived at work tend to end up resentful, knackered & disappointed when it comes to parenthood. There's no such thing as the glowing pic of perfection magazines/media put out there. And the s'lebs have help, big time.

TheWordFactory · 18/04/2015 19:24

Presumably you did enjoy family life after your first DC? Otherwise you would not have gone on to have three more.

What has been lost along the way? Or are you just supremely knackered?