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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not enjoy family life

218 replies

winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 18:39

It's relentless.

Churning out meal after meal.

Washing. Ironing. Working (part time). Broken nights - various reasons like nightmares, itchy heads(!), temperatures etc. Constant penny pinching.

I'm sure my 4 dcs are no less demanding than any other but the constant squabbles and demands for this that and the other are wearing.

Even walking my dogs seems like another chore.

I am shattered. I feel so low that there are years of this tedium ahead. No prospect of any break or holidays. I am JEALOUS of all these other parents jetting off to Dubai, the Caribbean, skiing holidays over Easter.

H works many hours each week. He pitches in where possible. He's making bread with the dcs now after gardening with them today. I was ironing and sorting underwear.

Why am I not enjoying this life? Is this family life? I'm not cut out for it. I'm not physically strong enough anymore. I hate it.

Shit. A pity party.

OP posts:
Comfortzone · 19/04/2015 15:45

My doc help sort the washing too, bring it downstairs to machine, sort, load machine, when dry sort into a pile for each person and take upstairs to relevant person's drawer they love doing this GrinGrin I hate doing it so it's a win win for me. I give them 20p each it's like a million pounds to them bless

hettie · 19/04/2015 15:53

I can't remember the last time I pciked up an iron (no wait- I ironed some iron on labels to ds school shorts over easter Grin).. Do they have uniform- if so non-iron means just that, honestly I bet no one (apart from you) will ever notice if you stop ironing. Yes to bacth cooking and slow cookers and food short cuts, and yes to doing two tings a week for yourself....

Summertimeatlast · 19/04/2015 15:58

No wonder you have nothing to look forward to if you are spending your precious weekend folding underwear.

With a partner, you could have a family day out, pack a picnic, kids and dogs in the car, off you go. It doesn't have to cost a lot. My dc are happy to spend hours on the beach, even in winter.

Like everyone else has said, you do need to cut corners with the chores. I get as many days as possible out of the kids' clothes which cuts down on the laundry for example.

Having said that, I do know exactly how you feel as I often question my abilities as a parent and don't find much about parenting very enjoyable at all some days.

Do you remember the thread about if you had your time over, would you have children? You would be surprised at the number of women who said no. You are not alone.

LotusLight · 19/04/2015 16:11

Do you work full time? That is often the solution to making life better for you, your spouse and your children. Works for me. Also no sexism at home so husbands do as much as wives. Works well and has for decades. Try it. Out earn men too - that's a really good one! I adore it.

TwartFaceBeetj · 19/04/2015 16:15

Do you work full time? That is often the solution to making life better for you, your spouse and your children. Works for me. Also no sexism at home so husbands do as much as wives. Works well and has for decades. Try it. Out earn men too - that's a really good one! I adore it.

Hmm
RitaOrange · 19/04/2015 16:18

Thanks Blush
YES to training your DC- I have zero tolerance for whining/rudeness and have no idea how anyone can put up with children who DEMAND things.
Its just as easy for them to ask for something pleasantly as it is for them to expect you to jump.
I also don't tolerate shouting at me from other parts of the house( come and find me) or pulling at me to get my attention.
I am actually an intolerant old cowGrin but I want family life to be pleasant not be simmering with resentment.

Laundry at the weekend.
I also set multi tasks - so Friday night straight after getting in put on first load of laundry including uniforms, sort out dinner, dry first load, put on second load, eat dinner, dry second load.
Fold and hang/ put away, including socks/ tights with uniform/kit back in bags
Its then sorted and there is no mad rush on Sunday night to find/wash uniform/kit and you can enjoy the weekend.Wine

Pastaagain78 · 19/04/2015 16:30

Never iron. They may look crumpled for a few minutes but several star jumps later they look fine. Flowers

ConfusedInBath · 19/04/2015 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantthinkofnewname · 19/04/2015 16:41

I understand exactly how you feel. I feel more or less like this every day (got 3 under 10. They bicker and whinge constantly. Love them to bits but only enjoy about 10% of my time with them). I don't think I'm depressed. I just think it's the drudgery that gets to me (as drudgetrudy said upthread). I don't know if/how much you exercise, but I swear by short bouts of exercise. I am slowly working my way through a number of Youtube videos, like this one (only 9 minutes), this one (10 minutes) and any of the Yoga with Adriene videos www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene Exercise definitely lifts my spirits and it's free and you can do in your own time. I do them once the dcs are in bed and usually have a large glass of vino afterwards

Pastaagain78 · 19/04/2015 16:45

They don't stay crumpled. I agree that certain things need ironing but I choose clothes for the DC that don't. I guess I'm lucky with boys, folded tshirts and trousers don't really need it.

ConfusedInBath · 19/04/2015 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarekiddingme · 19/04/2015 16:49

Rita I think you may be my patenting soulmate Grin

I also have no tolerance for whinging and demanding and say what I have to say, shut up and let kids make the right choice.

riverboat1 · 19/04/2015 16:50

It sounds awful. To be honest, it's the fear and likelihood of feeling like this that puts me off ever having children of my own.

On the other hand, you're at a really tough stage now. But once they are grown and have flown the nest, you'll have a lovely big family who will always be in your life, bring you grandchildren, sons and daughters-in-law, help you be connected to life and to the world as you get older. I fear that if I don't have children, I'll never go through the tough slog of a time you are having now, but on the other hand I will miss out on an awful lot in the longer-term.

Other posters have given you great tips and ideas for how to make positive changes for the now, but just thought I'd point out the long-game view of it as I see it.

m0therofdragons · 19/04/2015 16:55

Not read whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating anything. I have 3dc dd1 is 7 and twins are 3. I've had a revelation this month. They all want jobs! The best so far is dd1 un loads the dishwasher while I'm making breakfast. It means all the breakfast stuff gets cleared straight away into the dishwasher - dds do this themselves. Spread the load and make sure you get the fun times too.

aintnothinbutagstring · 19/04/2015 17:06

motherofdragons my dc also like 'jobs', they're 6 and 3. OP, at least the 3 older dc could help with some housework, especially things like vacuuming, my 6yr old finds this particularly fun and is surprisingly thorough. Give them a small pack of sweets or some loose change as a reward. I think once your youngest is out of that toddler stage, 2 is a difficult age, you'll feel less despondent.

m0therofdragons · 19/04/2015 17:10

Agreed 2 year olds are very demanding - when twins were 2 it was pretty miserable some days. I look back with such relief they're 3 now.

duplodon · 19/04/2015 17:12

I have three, two years apart each and I had no idea that three would be soooo much more work. My colleague told me I'd more than doubled my trouble when I got pregnant. She was absolutely spot on. I love them all to bits and we have much joy but the drudgery is beyond what I had imagined. I guess four is your tipping point.

when I cook, I let them watch tv which I keep off until then so they are rapt, I try to use this time as meditation of sorts, listening to the knife chopping, smelling the food, watching the water rinse the veg, sizzling sounds etc and to have a cup of tea on the go. Building pauses into the day like this keeps me sane.

Ledkr · 19/04/2015 17:13

We are currently drivjng back from camping and my two are bickering/crying/shouting Sad I've that feeling of total despair at my horrible life.
I'll be ok later when they go to bed.

BingBong36 · 19/04/2015 17:20

Why would someone have 4 kids if they do not like family life?!

thewavesofthesea · 19/04/2015 17:23

I am so much happier since I PUT DOWN THE IRON. I fold as soon as they come out of dryer/from washing line/airer. DH irons his own work stuff and will do my eldest's school uniform if needed. I never iron their tshirts and they are fine, don't think they look scruffy!

Lower your standards. Go out for the day so you can't do house work; it will wait and I bet you will still have time for it Smile

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 19/04/2015 17:37

I am fully with you OP - I fricking hate the endless monotony of life as a mother. In fact, if I had my time over I wouldn't have children.

BUT I don't think this is a 'normal' way to feel. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety, take meds to get me through day to day and have an awful lot of support from family and friends.

I had to give up work due to ill-health and I really miss the interaction with grown ups! I am lucky in that I have a good group of school mums who meet for coffee and drinks.

I would think about seeing your GP or HV and letting them know how you feel.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/04/2015 17:45

I have four
The tumble dryer is your friend and I never iron anything. People are genuinely shocked when I tell them; decent quality school uniform helps.
Yes to simple family meals and batch cooking.
Encourage your kids to amuse each other; mine were fortunately happy to spend hours with playmobile and LEGO.

Viviennemary · 19/04/2015 17:46

Four children and dogs. Faints. I couldn't have coped with this. But I suppose I'd just have to have done my best. It's hard too when money is tight but it won't be for ever. I think a lot of folk would find it hard working part-time and looking after four chidlren with all the washing and cleaning and cooking. I agree with trying to make life easier where you can re ironing and cooking and so on.

RitaOrange · 19/04/2015 17:48

you are Grin Flowers

The thing for me is that I know my faults and what my trigger points are- Its far nicer everyone if I am not hacked off .

I also think part of it is that you can lose your sense of self in the drudgery/demands and feel that you are simply a channel by which others demands are met- that is soul destroying and not good for your family either.

Demand things for yourself- tell your DH you are going out, need a rest, are going running and let him do the grunt work.
Interesting that he gets the bread making and gardening but not the boring jobs.
Ironing - only when I have to.
When my DC were small they mostly ( DD and 2 DS) wore stuff that didn't need ironing- jersey tshirts, sweatshirts, jeans and leggings.
wash, chuck in dryer ( a must when you have small DC) and fold, hang ,put away.
it was mostly grubby very quickly so why waste your time.

RitaOrange · 19/04/2015 17:52

BingBong the OP doesn't like the way her family life is at the moment not family life per say.

It is heavily weighed with her being at the beck and call of everyone else .

OP make a few changes, get up and go for a walk- leave it all behind for a few minutes.
Good luck Flowers