To not enjoy family life

[winkywinkola]

It's relentless.

Churning out meal after meal.

Washing. Ironing. Working (part time). Broken nights - various reasons like nightmares, itchy heads(!), temperatures etc. Constant penny pinching.

I'm sure my 4 dcs are no less demanding than any other but the constant squabbles and demands for this that and the other are wearing.

Even walking my dogs seems like another chore.

I am shattered. I feel so low that there are years of this tedium ahead. No prospect of any break or holidays. I am JEALOUS of all these other parents jetting off to Dubai, the Caribbean, skiing holidays over Easter.

H works many hours each week. He pitches in where possible. He's making bread with the dcs now after gardening with them today. I was ironing and sorting underwear.

Why am I not enjoying this life? Is this family life? I'm not cut out for it. I'm not physically strong enough anymore. I hate it.

Shit. A pity party.

for you, OP.

You do have a hell of a lot to juggle, but PP have given you wise advice - definitely rope the DCs to help you with age appropriate tasks. Laundry is a good one (you must have loads) - the older two are definitely old enough to fetch washing in from the line and should very quickly be able to peg it out too. The older three should also very quickly get the hang of sorting, folding and putting their own clothes away. Same with stripping and re-making their beds - can you tell which tasks I found the most onerous?

Teaching them safe, simple cooking (I'm glad your DH is making bread with them today ) will also help.

Definitely also knock ironing on the head too.

Finally, you absolutely must have you time, I agree. It will get easier as they get older - I say this as the wrangler of a Y7 and a Y11 with a DH who works away and no pets but do please see your GP.

Sounds to me like you are trying to do too much...

ironing? ... haven't done any for years (except for the odd wedding or interview)

gardening ?.... our garden is for the dc to play in. Yes, we mow the lawn once in a while, but not much else gets done

making bread ? ... seriously ? Who has time.

I only have 3 dc, and they are all old enough to contribute and to not only sleep through, but have long lie ins. I don't have dogs to walk. I still get tired sometimes though. You need to lower the expectations you have of yourself.

YANBU. I also have four, similar ages to yours, and honestly having pets as well would send me over the edge.

I was finding it really hard last year, and thinking 'is it me?'
Then DH said, no, its not you... the reason you're finding it hard is because it IS hard!

I'm sure lots of people will come up with good tips and tricks, ideas to make things easier. Maybe some of them will be useful to you...

but meanwhile, just wanted to say you're not alone.

Drink this tonight and sleep well

I forgot to say, the broken nights must be knackering you on top of your already heavy workload. Until such time (!) as you're reasonably guaranteed a good night's sleep could you and DH agree shifts? Knowing you can relax and DH will deal with it that day will do you the world of good.

I hear you! I only have two dc age 4 and 3. Every bloody day is the same! Housework, cooking healthy meals which are refused. Squabbling, physical fighting and not to mention the relentless toilet trips.

I feel resentful that dh gets to toilet In peace whereas I get anatomy questions and observers.

Definately need a holiday away from the home to enjoy the dc and timeout from the housework and cooking

You have 4 dcs and a dog and you iron? Keep that to a minimum.

I hear you op, i have 4 dcs 13,10, 6 and 2. What helps me is, low standards (mess also gets to me sometimes), i iron next to nothing, dh irons his stuff and odd school shirt. I have one bung in the oven night during the week and use cheats ie frozen onion, dh does all meals at weekend, i have gym membership which if we are well (rare) I use and ds 2 does 2 school days at nursery. I also have the odf night out with dh or the girls.

Everybody needs something to look forward to.
Are all holidays or weekends away or even a night away impossible?

What about an hour class (yoga or a craft) once a week?

The making bread was only an activity to keep the dcs occupied for a bit. They really enjoyed it. They also planted veg seeds with h. He doesn't get home until after ten pm some nights so he needs to see the dcs and have R&R too.

I snuck away up to bed for 40 minutes at this point. I felt paralysed with tiredness. Ds2 bashed his nose and had a nosebleed. I worried I wouldn't be able to move to help him!

I am going to save up to have the ironing done by someone else.

I already feel better because I don't feel alone.

I don't want to go to Dubai or skiing. I just wanted a break. I know there are many millions out there with nothing and who never leave their hometown.

It's like the scales of fun versus drudge just slowly tipped in the wrong balance after dc4.

Feel terribly guilty as dogs not been walked since Fri am!

YANBU... I think we all feel like this sometimes. You've just got to find something for you and only you.
I cant suggest anything as I'm still trying to find that myself. It is completely normal to feel this way at times.
You know you see all these 'happy' families, well, they have there problems too. The grass is always greener on the other side, because it's fertilised with bull shit. Just remember that xxx

would itbe possible for you to have 24h to yourself? I've done this twice when at the end of my tether. Checked into a hotel at 4pm Sat, did my own thing, late checkout on Sun, mooch about before returning home on Sun pm. I didn't even put the tv on, I just read books and relished the silence. Honestly it may sound really sad but it was amazing for my mental health.

The short answer is that very, very few people work and have 4 kids inc. a toddler, and a dog. I'm not surprised you're knackered. And sleep deprivation absolutely strips the enjoyment from life. Try to get some early nights, have a week of eating fish fingers and chips, cut yourself some slack.

Could you have a family week kind of thing in the summer perhaps? Stay home but treat it like a holiday - do cheap days out, beach with a picnic, country parks, or "centerparcs day" (swimming and a cycle ride, a walk in a wood or whatever). My DH prefers this to going away, as he loves his own bed so much!

Im right with you on this one OP.

I only have 2 kids and had to give up my job because DH has depression and pissed off 250 miles away to his Mums 3 months ago to "clear his head". I resent him and sadly, my children so much sometimes because I have no-one to help, no money to do anything with them and absolutely no time to myself.

Family life is most definitely not all its made out to be :(

It does sound like you don't have any fun in your life thats not family related.

Every now and again, me and some friends go to one of our houses for dinner and loads of drinks. Its cheap unless your hosting and so mych fun. Wr have'nt done it fir a while and I miss it!!

Or pack dcs off to bed/rooms, have a take out or nice meal, wine, movie, just you and dh.

Tell us about your machine washing habits so we can work out what you need to change so you stop ironing!!!

Also it does get easier/different as they get older. When our eldest was around 10 she started making lunches for/with the younger ones. Started off with them making their own sandwiches at the weekends and then onto pasta type of thing.

You need to make it part of the routine that they start doing more things for themselves and each other. Tricky as yours a quite spread out compared to mine but when your youngest hits 4 it will have improved on what it is now.

As far as sleep deprivation, i feel resigned to it. This to will pass.t

Can you rehome the dog? We have couple of small pets that my older girls are in charge of. I can't cope with anything else and I an sahm.

First of all I think you should see your doctor to see whether you're run down or depressed.

Secondly you have to have some time for yourself. This has to be after your husband comes home from work - btw why does he come home so late? Is that avoidable? Would you like to do something like running? I thought of that because it's something you could do any time of the day or night. If you went out on your own first thing for half an hour it could set you up for the day. First thing, it would be light, too, whereas if you wait until he comes home it might well be dark.

Thirdly, you need some one-to-one nice time with your husband. What about working your way through box sets or films on Netflix? You need to not think about the kids or the housework or anything else just for an hour or two a night.

Fourthly, when you iron (I accept you have to) then listen to something on the radio - either music that cheers you up or a story on radio 4.

But start with the doctor, just to get checked out.

Oh winky I know... I only have two and I feel overwhelmed quite often – it's the endless input and output, constantly having to be doing thing after thing after thing after thing while listening, being talked to, being poked, being screamed at, being on call 24/7. I feel a million times better when I can build in time to do something alone. That's not always possible, especially in school holidays, and I feel myself getting more and more desperate but if I know I will get that mental freedom at some point I can hold out for it.

I get a "break" in the form of work but we have no family support and never go away without DC. I really underestimated the toll that would take.

FWIW, I hardly ever iron. All the DC clothes inc. uniform can be dealt with by hanging them up on the airer, then folding. I literally only iron a few of my summer dresses if they are prone to creasing, or our outfits if we are going to a wedding.

It will get easier as they get older, everyone tells me this. This isn't "family life", it's family life when they are small and demanding and scream a lot. I agree with getting them started on chores asap – try to make it fun and competitive. My 5yo will do chores because she doesn't want to be left out when I give them to 9yo DC1. If they have pocket money, make it dependent on doing particular jobs to make it become a routine (you will also be doing their future spouses a favour).

Sorry winky I hope I didn't come across preachy by saying there are people who've never left their home town, it really wasn't my intention. What I meant was a holiday isn't the be all and end all and happiness comes from within. Im just not very good at judging how I come across when I say things. I definitely think you deserve a break!

Paying someone to do ironing sounds like a good idea. Do try and get your dc involved more too. I really think the older two could go out together and take the dogs for a walk. Everyone in the family needs to be chipping in, it isn't fair for it all to fall on you.

Why don't didn't your family walk the dogs instead of pratting about gardening and bread making?

Ironing and sorting underwear on a Saturday evening is miserable - no wonder you aren't enjoying it! So why on earth are you doing it??? Do fun things with your kids - take them swimming, go for lovely walks/picnics, even go to a nice pub with beer garden and chat with DH while they play/eat crisps. Don't do ironing at all. Ever. Waste of time. And sort underwear in 10 mins with a glass of wine whilst watching tv after the kids are in bed. Don't make it a Saturday afternoon activity ffs!

What chores do dcs do?

My 13 and 10 year old, clean abd feed their pets.also clean their rooms snd adhoc jobs.

Dd 10 loves minding 2 year old, obviously im around!

Dd 6 tidies playroom

2 eldest put their clothes away and dd6 puts clothes in drawes

Dd 10 makes her packed lunch

I have to say I don't iron either. If you could bring yourself to give it up you could use your intended ironing money for someone to do a bit of cleaning.

Or even better idea... Forget the ironing, get kids to do more cleaning and save the money up to treat yourself.

Another vote for no more ironing! I used to iron EVERYTHING, even non-iron duvet covers cos they weren't quite crease free..... Ha ha ha, what was the point in that?!

4 in 8 years is really tough!

My gran did that and died in her 50s. (Not related but who knows how much stress contributes to illness)

I think you need to take a step back and realise that you can be a better version of you if you aren't totally frazzled all the time.

How is your budget, can you afford the things that could make your life easier? Eg a cleaner, sending your washing out (we did this once a month for a while it was great), extra childcare for the toddler, after school care for the older ones, more convenience food, etc?

Prioritise what needs to be done
-everyone fed 3 times a day
-everyone washed a couple of times a week
-DCs getting to school, you and dp getting to work
-having clean clothes that fit
-everyone getting enough sleep
-everyone safe & healthy

Versus what isn't the end of the world if not done
-ironing
-most house cleaning
-lots of activities with/for the DCs

The older ones can/should be helping with dog walking/chores etc

Go to your GP for a blood test to check you're not anaemic, have a thyroid problem, a vitamin deficiency etc.

But the biggie is make sure dp is doing his fare share and not just getting to pick and choose the fun bits. He may be out at work a lot but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be expected to throw a washing on/cook a meal/walk the dog etc when he is at home. If you don't have an equal amount of leisure time then you don't have an equal marriage.