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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not enjoy family life

218 replies

winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 18:39

It's relentless.

Churning out meal after meal.

Washing. Ironing. Working (part time). Broken nights - various reasons like nightmares, itchy heads(!), temperatures etc. Constant penny pinching.

I'm sure my 4 dcs are no less demanding than any other but the constant squabbles and demands for this that and the other are wearing.

Even walking my dogs seems like another chore.

I am shattered. I feel so low that there are years of this tedium ahead. No prospect of any break or holidays. I am JEALOUS of all these other parents jetting off to Dubai, the Caribbean, skiing holidays over Easter.

H works many hours each week. He pitches in where possible. He's making bread with the dcs now after gardening with them today. I was ironing and sorting underwear.

Why am I not enjoying this life? Is this family life? I'm not cut out for it. I'm not physically strong enough anymore. I hate it.

Shit. A pity party.

OP posts:
maroonedwithfour · 19/04/2015 18:25

Why would someone have 4 kids if they do not like family life?!

^

Helpful Hmm

Op does not need to explain why she has four.Shock

loveandsmiles · 19/04/2015 18:28

OP I sympathise - sometimes it can seem relentless. I have 5DCs - 13, 10, 7, 5 & 2, 6months pregnant with DC6, but no pets!!

I am a SAHM and DH works ridiculous hours, with no family to help out.

I get up at 5am (I am an early morning person!) and do 30mins on cross trainer - this seems to set me up for the day - and get some chores out of the way before anyone gets up. I don't mind ironing but do it while watching a programme I've recorded.

I really suffer if I don't get my sleep - usually in bed by 9.30pm. Without enough sleep I can't function. Do you get enough sleep OP?

Also, once a month I go and get my nails done - it's a treat for me, I relax for a couple of hours, have a gossip and there are no children! Could you do something like this now and again?

You are not alone Flowers

LotusLight · 19/04/2015 19:06

I have five and I adore the children for a few hours a day. I think that's the best balance which is why men take it and foist on to women an unbalanced 24/7 of childcare and cleaning. Take what men have and life is better.

youarekiddingme · 19/04/2015 19:35

Haha Rita You are me! I got told in a work performance management recently my biggest strength is I recognise my weaknesses and that makes me a strong leader as well as team player.

RitaOrange · 19/04/2015 20:19

Shock bloody hell I have a twin!

Seriously I know what I can tolerate and what I cant - whiney children get on my last nerve.
I cannot and will not tolerate DC whingeing when they can ask for what they want.
My SIL allows hers to whine but then moans about it all the time.

Panicmode1 · 19/04/2015 20:27

I haven't read the whole thread, but I totally get where you are. I have four DCs (11, 9, 7, 5) and a six month old puppy and we still have another 24 hours of school holidays....I am on my chinstraps!!

Two things...once they are all in school it does get much easier, and secondly, you need to make time for yourself. I ride (when I can), or I book myself a massage, or I play tennis or something for ME, just every so often. I gave up a (well paid) career and resigned from my professional body at Christmas and I do sometimes get consumed by the green eyed monster - especially this holiday when friends have been in the Caribbean, skiing, Florida, Portugal etc etc. and we went to see my parents in the West Country (which I love!)

It's bloody hard work with four, and dog(s)! However, this evening, I have watched my 7 year old FINALLY learn to ride a bike after years of trying, and everyone was so happy for him, it felt like a magical moment.

Hang in there - it does get easier..... Thanks

Variousrandomthings · 19/04/2015 20:34

B vitamins

5-htp off amazon

Excersise alternate days at least

Read a book in the bath.

Variousrandomthings · 19/04/2015 20:36

Major declutter made my life easier too. I got rid of 2/3 of our stuff which resulted in less cleaning, less mess, being surrounded by nice things.

AmateurSeamstress · 19/04/2015 20:39

Variousrandom that is a fantastic decluttering rate! I wish I could do that, I'm trying to declutter but not being ruthless enough, I think.

Love the sound of a rolling meal plan too. I've tried but failed at that in the past, think I was too ambitious and needed more easy meals in it.

defineme · 19/04/2015 20:57

Firstly, I know how you feel...I only have 3 but it was 3 under 3 and eldest has quite severe sn.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, 2 year old will be in preschool soon.
you need to check with dr that you're not depressed or anaemic as both would fit your tiredness and mood, but in meantime things that helped me are:
writing a list of 5 good things that have happened at the end of each day or even on my phone in the middle- beautiful weather, siblings playing well, fresh bedding, helpful or funny friend..anything can go on it.
writing a top 10 favourite simple things list with my best friend was also great.. we came up with hot baths, view from top of a hill, good book, fish and chips on Friday etc etc then you get a little more selfish and make sure you get several of those in a week.
going to stay with friends on my own and dh does the same, we don't spend much money beyond train fare or petrol and it's very precious just to be me oor even going out walking with a friend is great just for the day.
can you start a holiday fund?
Summer is on its way, going out with a picnic and leaving the house behind really helps.
once your youngest gains alittle independence you will feel so differently.

defineme · 19/04/2015 21:09

Building in pauses is such a good idea... I have actually read a book whilst cooking tea and yes I always have a cup of coffee on the go too!
Texting back and forth with stupid jokes to dh or friends helps too.

m0therofdragons · 19/04/2015 21:26

Oooh I text dh in the day - another mn thread called me needy etc. Dh doesn't mind luckily -maybe he likes being needed

TheStorySoFar · 19/04/2015 21:58

Winky, you are not alone. Lots of helpful comments up thread & I'll be taking some on board. I'm a mum of 4 & work PT & could have written your post. Mine are 9/7/3/1....and I feel like I'm not very good at anything ATM & a vessel for everyone else's needs. I don't even know what I'd like to do anymore (If I ever get time) & no energy to even think outside the endless trudging from one task to the next. Feel for you. Hugs.

Kiwiinkits · 19/04/2015 23:25

The solution to this lays entirely with your husband!!! I can't believe there's not more people suggesting this!!
He DOES NOT NEED TO WORK SUCH LONG HOURS. He is CHOOSING to work those hours. He needs to take responsibility for the fact that his family is suffering as a consequence of his choices. The world will not end if he does 40 hours per week like a normal person. If his boss won't accept that then he needs to change jobs.

Dieu · 20/04/2015 00:34

Haven't read the whole thread, but does anyone else do the occasional 'cereal' dinner? I do. Only rule is that the cereal has to be healthy. So maybe porridge, bran flakes or Weetabix followed by wholemeal toast. Quick, easy, healthy, fucking effortless!

CultureSucksDownWords · 20/04/2015 00:48

Kiwi, maybe the OPs husband needs to work those hours for the family finances? I don't think it's fair to make assumptions about that. It's not always easy or straightforward to get a new job either.

Kiwiinkits · 20/04/2015 02:09

He can cut back, spend more time with his kids, she can escape to the office work more like he does.

Kiwiinkits · 20/04/2015 02:12

sorry but I think working long hours when you have a big family is unbelievably selfish. And it shows an inability to do ones job, actually. Proper prioritisation, saying no sometimes, these are basic skills of competent people.

There are loads of ways that you can make family finances work without working late into the evening.

Kiwiinkits · 20/04/2015 02:15

I'm a partner in a professional services firm. I work with many, many competent people. Men and women. The most respected are the ones who manage their time properly and who prioritise properly.

Long hours cultures are dying out because people are finally seeing them for what they are: a cover used by men for not-actually-wanting-to-go-home.

CultureSucksDownWords · 20/04/2015 06:44

Kiwi, you have no idea about the OPs circumstances, and are making lots of assumptions about her husband's motivation.

Rebecca2014 · 20/04/2015 06:45

This thread is so depressing...all about survival. What is the point of having children if it so much hard work? seriously, why do we do it? lol.

Also you chose to have four children, you must known you would hardly get a break especially with an husband who works a lot.

bigoldbird · 20/04/2015 06:58

Oh, don't we all know how you feel. My two are much older than yours, should be off my hands but aren't, haha.

Anyway, you say you can't stop ironing because the kids look rumpled. Really? Does that matter? Mess gets me down too but I am sure you could institute some way of dealing with it. I never, ever, ever set foot in the kids rooms after they were about 7. If it was a pigsty then it was a pigsty. I shut the door and ignored it. Anything left lying around was put in their room, still is. Still causes moaning but hey, they know it will get put in their room so if they don't want me to touch it they shouldn't leave it lying around.

I like to cook from scratch but my children were raised on chicken nuggets and oven chips. They are alive and they will eat anything these days.

There is a lot of pressure put on people about how they should raise their children and what they should and shouldn't do. Ignore it. Do what you need to do to survive. 4 children and a dog sounds impossibly difficult to me, you are doing fantastically well.

If the youngest is two maybe playgroup or something is on the cards soon. This doesn't mean more/better time for housework, this means time to go to sleep if that's what you need to do. A worn out resentful mother is no use to anyone.

Please take care of yourself. You are the most important person in the world to your children, they need you to be well. Go to the Dr for a check up, sleep whenever you can and you will be able to deal with the rest.

DieselSpillages · 20/04/2015 07:17

I sympathise.. It's totally knackering and relentless.
It does get easier as they get bigger but more complicated too
Buy yourself some floradix iron drink from a health shop. It's a bit pricey but really is a magic potion for getting energy back. I swear by magnesium too. Even a couple of hours off/away can replenish you.

Morelikeguidelines · 20/04/2015 08:33

Was thinking about you Op this weekend even though have not rtft. Was thinking about what made it nice to try to I make suggestions (even though admittedly I only have 2 dc, 6 and 1 and no dogs only guinea pigs).

Some conclusions:

Dh and I both took kids out separately so other could have a break. He managed a long cycle ride Saturday and I went to yoga on Sunday. Yes, he got more time than me but no reason why you shouldn't have as much time. Also although yoga is a cliché it would be perfect for someone feeling as you are.

When we were together we all spent time in the garden. I held ds while dh mowed the lawn which was also a kind of break as he was mesmerised. We played football in the garden. Ds can't really play but we kick it gently and he stays within the pitch as it's fun.

We try not to spend hours in the house just mooching as this leads to boredom and rows.

We did some household jobs - dh mowed lawn and went to tip. I did washing, dd and I re organised her room. We cooked meals. But we didn't let it take over whole weekend.

On Friday eve we had a date night in (commencing at about 9 but still) where dh cooked nice adult dinner and we had a drink and a chat. A good idea if thethere's no-one ti babysit.

We have our bad weekends too but thought our good weekend might have some ideas for you.

Morelikeguidelines · 20/04/2015 08:42

Ps not meaning to sound like I have all the answers because I don't and definitely sympathise /empathise with your feelings.

I find it helps to arrange something to look forward to, even if it's something little like going to pub with a friend while dh is at home.

Also I work. That helps a lot for me (sure it would not help for everyone). By that I don't mean the money helps, I mean going to work and not being home 24/7 helps with the monotony.