To not enjoy family life

[winkywinkola]

It's relentless.

Churning out meal after meal.

Washing. Ironing. Working (part time). Broken nights - various reasons like nightmares, itchy heads(!), temperatures etc. Constant penny pinching.

I'm sure my 4 dcs are no less demanding than any other but the constant squabbles and demands for this that and the other are wearing.

Even walking my dogs seems like another chore.

I am shattered. I feel so low that there are years of this tedium ahead. No prospect of any break or holidays. I am JEALOUS of all these other parents jetting off to Dubai, the Caribbean, skiing holidays over Easter.

H works many hours each week. He pitches in where possible. He's making bread with the dcs now after gardening with them today. I was ironing and sorting underwear.

Why am I not enjoying this life? Is this family life? I'm not cut out for it. I'm not physically strong enough anymore. I hate it.

Shit. A pity party.

I read this this morning and I just wanted to say that you are not alone.i have two boys very close in age and I love them and wouldn't be without them but man is my life relentless,the same thing over and over again and once I think we are past one phase a new more annoying one pops it's ugly head.its hard,so bloody hard some days and the only thing that gets me through is sharing all this with other mums from baby groups (I know you work so getting to them would be difficult) but just letting off steam and realising you're not alone is a great help. I would also second going to the GP for general blood tests.

Oh I agree with that word, the power of a good list is amazing. It clears the niggling pile of stuff to do out of your head and lets you see it and cross it off, which is a great feeling. (Though I do think maybe not everyone is a list person, but it's worth a try)

I just saw this and sympathise.
I've got 5dc but had them in two batches so feel as if I've been doing this shit for my whole life (I have)
It's a constant slog isn't it?
The work literally never ends and DH works shifts so I'm alone a lot of weekends and evenings.
The eldest goes to bed around 9.30 and the little one has always been a crap sleeper and early riser so I barely get a minute to myself.
I am clinging onto the fact that the youngest starts school in September so I can get stuff done on my days off so that we can occasionally relax.
I do enjoy some aspects though.
I love doing stuff with dds like swimming, picnics etc.
We have a cheapish camper van so spend lots of time on campsites which gets us away from the constant drudge at home and keeps the kids occupied.
Do you still enjoy that type of thing?
If you literally enjoy nothing at all then I would definitely see your gp to discuss it.
I had hyperparathyroidism two years ago which made me feel the same, it's worth a blood test.

It IS tough. I have 3 slightly older kids, and whilst the physical work becomes easier, i still struggle on days.
And it can be mundane and boring and suck the life out of you, but you can change things. It takes a massive conscious effort, but it's so worth it.

Small changes...plan a family day out...to the park, the beach, a local castle or theme park...whatever. A change is as good as a rest as they say.

You need to teach the kids that you are not a slave and that you are a valid member of the family...so get them involved in doing stuff...picnic meals are brill. Jo dishing up, chuck it all on the table and let everyone help themselves. Home made pizzas...but bases, chuck everything else on the table for kids to do their own. Buy cheese ready grated if it helps!

I think you need a break. Coffee with a friend, or a day out doing something you think you will enjoy.

You have to change something. Do it today. Baby steps!

Good luck. You are not alone. X

A big time saver for me was to make a 3-week meal plan, and then create an online shopping list for each of the 3 weeks. It means shopping takes 30 secs, and I don't have to think about what is for dinner again. Just build it up a week at a time.

Also, I have a list of nice things to do locally - good walks, parks, child friendly coffee shops, bike rides, beaches, etc, and every weekend I try to do at least one nice thing together with DH.

As a child, my favourite chore was sorting the washing, so I'd def get one of the DC doing that. And my theory of ironing is that there are two kinds of clothes 1) clothes that look fine if you hang them up or fold them for a bit 2) clothes that look equally creased ten minutes after you put them on regardless of whether you ironed them or not.

Finally, I went to bed on Friday at 7pm after throwing up five times on my way home from work with a stomach bug. Despite the usual night wakes (bf) and the ongoing bug, I woke up the next morning feeling better than I have in months. So I'm calling it a reverse lie in and I'm seriously going to start doing it on a regular basis.

I agree it sounds like your stuck in a rut. We all feel like sometimes and it's draining - adding to the tiredness and the vicous cycle begins.

I changed things by making housework fun. Out on a song - during that time everyone has a task and has to finish it before song. You'll find at the plates in kitchen, washing in basket and floor is hoovered in no time.

How about some races in the garden? Swing all set, tunnels, tent? I find exercise and fresh air improves my mood.

I also agree about getting yiur blood iron levels checked. Especially if this a recent feeling of tiredness beyond the norm.

If you can't holiday how about camping in the garden?

I agree with everyone who suggested menu planning and batch cooking. I have a lot of time on my hands and I still batch cook in the slow cooker. So I double a jambalaya or curry regularly. I have a set 2 week menu and a 3rd week of whatever we fancy. I online food shop too. Tesco has a minimum basket of £25 for £6 per month delivery charge.

I used to cook a 24 portion chilli, ie 6 family meals when the children were much smaller. I used a food processor to chop onions and grate carrots (Annabel Karmel recipe) it just takes a bit longer to cook the mince but genuinely it does not add a lot of time to the meal prep.

I also do a basic tomato sauce in the slow cooker, it is used for pasta and pizza base. Chuck tinned tomatoes in, frozen onion (freeze own grown or buy it) frozen peppers, herbs, cook and blitz smooth with hand blender.

Your eldest 2 can definitely help with stuff. Sock matching is easy for kids. Tidying, dusting, and hoovering at 10 years old.

I do iron, but only what has to be ironed and I have a steam generator iron which cuts ironing time down too.

It is relentless but you have to find the joy somehow, I listen to radio/music/podcasts/watch films/tv whilst I do the mundane and boring.

Another ironing tip for shirts etc.
If a bit too creased to be wearable, hang up on hangers in the bathroom. Lock the door and have a lovely hot shower. The longer the better and make certain that no-one opens the door. When you get out you will fund that the steam will have got most of the creases out and you will be much more relaxed than if you had spent hours at the ironing board.
Children do not need a hot dinner every day: cold food and salad is just as nutritious as hot.
Ready chopped freezer packs of herbs/ garlic/ onion /chilli are just asgood as fresh and so much quicker.
Convenience cleaning products like antibacterial wipes/ bath foam etc are amazing.
I understand what it is like. I only have 2dc and they are at school but iwork part time in 2 jobs and have voluntary commitments.
All the best op. Look after yourself (easier said than done I know! )

Oh and ocado/ tesco/ asda etc home delivery saves so much shopping stress! Order the same each week: who cares if you always have the same dinners!

Look, who cares if dc have creased clothes, compared to having fun with a mum who enjoys their company? I don't own an iron. Your dc can sort the washing (my 7 and 5 year olds do this to earn pocket money). Youneed to do what you do enjoy with your dc as a matter of urgency. Whatever it is - going for a walk, reading, craft or watching a film together. Not what you feel you ought to be doing but what you actually enjoy. Then get chips for dinner on the way home. You urgently need to connect with your dc and allow yourself to enjoy them.

A big time saver for me was to make a 3-week meal plan, and then create an online shopping list for each of the 3 weeks. It means shopping takes 30 secs, and I don't have to think about what is for dinner again. Just build it up a week at a time.

This. Is. Genius.

Oh you poor love. I have two, and they drove me up the wall for years. I look back at about the first seven years and remember a kind of low-level misery, however happy I also was (and I love my kids to distraction at the same time)...it is the endless demands and STUFF that has to be done.

I think you need time for you. Bugger the housework - it'll be tedious whatever you do, housework always is - and doing things with the kids and so on. Get some time on your own. Or with friends. Go out on a Saturday night when your DH can stay home with the kids. Better still, go away for a weekend. Breathe. Think. Then you can make a list.

I bet you are getting lost in this fog of tedious domesticity and endless demands...

I really don't agree that you need first to reconnect with your kids. Sounds like the best thing is to get away from them for a bit. They'll be there when you get back, dammit.

I've found buying clothes with a high cotton, viscose or wool content but with between 3-5% elastane or polyester added in means you get the benefits of a breathable material but with little creasing and no ironing.

Second getting the dcs to help out my ds1 cleans the bathrooms and also cleans out the pets, ds2 vacuums and feeds the pets and dd unloads the dishwasher and helps sort out the laundry. They all have to sort out their own school bags and make sure they have everything they need for the next day. Everyone helps lay out the table and clear up afterwards at dinner time. When they're a bit older I'm going to get each one to plan and cook an evening meal once a week.

I also do easy throw in the pan/oven type meals several times a week cooking from scratch everyday will tip me over the edge so we have tortellini with a ready made pasta sauce and salad, pizza, garlic bread and salad/ coleslaw, jacket potatoes with baked beans/ chilli beans and cheese.

In your situation I'd also pay out a couple of hours for a cleaner just to keep on top of everything.

I really don't agree that you need first to reconnect with your kids. Sounds like the best thing is to get away from them for a bit. They'll be there when you get back, dammit.

M^^^

This

I think when you have a large family you can feel a pressure to do things extra well. It feels like people will judge and say that they aren't getting enough attention, or they are out of control, look 'crumpled', house untidy etc because you've got so many of them. So you end up trying too hard, and exhaust yourself in the process.

I have 4 close in ages, and used to beat myself up for giving up work, having an untidyish house, being tired etc Now I look back on myself with compassionate hindsight and think I did brilliantly! They are older now and it is much easier, apart from trying to keep up with the amount of food they eat now they are teens.

There is a psychological theory that people who are good at 'sufficing' are happier. In essence that means that you can recognise when you are doing something 'well enough' as in 'that will suffice'. Most things only need doing 'well enough' like ironing, cooking, cleaning..save the high standards for the important stuff-and you get to decide what that is. It's also a great thing to model to your dcs, so they don't get stuck in a perfectionist martyrdom existence.

I have 4 DCs + 2 dogs + a very demanding full time job.

Routine has been the key! Look for opportunities to make life even easier and do a couple of jobs at once

1. make a picnic, walk to your nearest space, take the dogs (tea done, no washing up, dogs walked, exercise! That makes YOU feel better and the DCs hopefully sleep better)

2. set a 15 minute timer for the Place Game. You all run around the house like mad things (or do 5 mins in each room-all DCs involved) and you grab everything that's in the wrong place and put it in the right place. Timer ends to ace music for a victory dance and a sweet.

It isn't family life you dislike-its drudgery.
Think how you can enjoy yourself more, both with the kids and without them.
You are not individually responsible for all the tedious jobs-think what other people can do, what you can leave and what you can get help with.
Try to get out of the house as much as possible.
Place game sounds a good idea. Do an hours blitz when you get home and involve the kids.
Clean loo and sink whilst running the bath?

Expensive holidays only last a week or so-putting some pleasant events into day to day life-like a walk in the sun or coffee with a friend is more important.
I have felt as you feel now in the past (see user name). When feeling bad just get them all out of the house for a run round. Having expended some energy they will probably watch TV for a while quietly.
I was advised to do one thing for fun every day and one thing to give a sense of achievement to keep depression at bay.

So much useful advice on here, sure we can all use some of it actually as I think almost everyone has felt like u at some point.

We've just come back from a yearned for break n feel wiped out! When u have kids, especially littlies, it's just a conveyer belt n that doesn't actually alter when u go away. Ok I haven't cooked or cleaned but I've still had the same responsibilities aside - washing, dressing n keeping kids safe, entertaining them, being on constant alert etc probably more than at home so u never truly relax . The old adage that u need a holiday after going on holiday with children is certainly true!

Hope u take some pointers from the wise posters n that things improve for u, OP .

I only have 3 but similar spread of ages and it totally is beyond exhausting - and no I didn't realise that I would find 3 so much harder than 2 for those that are wondering :)

I think the whole 2 year old stage is a total nightmare anyway - yes they are gorgeous and inquisitive and amazing, but they need a lot of supervision and "management"! So I do think that by the time your youngest is 3 - 3.5 things will get a lot better as your DC will all be capable of entertaining and managing themselves, making it easier for one parent to go totally off duty. But having a 2 year old AND a 10 year old (who needs a later night so you can't switch off at 7pm, input into friendships, sports and other activities, homework, secondary school choices etc etc) is very difficult as you are squeezed from all sides, physically and emotionally.. It is totally different from having a 2 year old with a 5 year old for example.

The tips are great. I love the G&T at 4 pm one particularly and make take it on myself although don't know how helping with homework would go after that! And I'm sure it will get easier....

Everyone else in your family is getting what they need except you.

Its up to you to tell them what you need.

You are not the family servant- put some boundaries in place.
No to demands- they can ask (nicely)and you will decide if they can do X or have Y.
Zero tolerance for whining, fighting etc
Limit activities- they do not need to do a trillion different activities every week - limit to Brownies/Scouts and a sport each.
Get a daily diary and put your activity in it- try to make it out of the house, so a swim or a run, hair cut etc
Instead of walking the dog take it on a run ( depending on age/fitness of dog !)

If you are doing chores you can do something for yourself at the same time-radio on or if ironing I catch up on the soaps and have a cup of tea.
If its the evening then have a time when you STOP.
If it aint done by 7.30pm in this house it wont be !

Get some nice bath stuff and a new book- no one is to disturb you when you have a bath unless the house is on fire- get your DH onside with this.
If possible have one day per week when you don't cook- school lunch on a Friday and then fish and chips for dinner.
Agree with all the batch cooking- never cook for one meal, always think ahead, so roast 2 chickens, one for tonight and extra for curry etc.
Agree with meal planning and online shopping.

I give one warning regarding stuff- if they don't come and get it then I bag it in a black bag and chuck in bin ( except I dont they clear it up now).

I think you need to discuss with your DH how you feel and get him to make some changes.

You sound as if you may be suffering from depression. We all feel tired and fed up sometimes, but to feel that there is nothing to look forward to, could you just go to your GP and say how you feel? I have found that with a partner and children, your life is limited in many ways, but I now take pleasure from small things. An afternoon in the garden in the sun at the weekend, a meal together when the DCs behave..... If there is nothing you take pleasure from, if the world just seems gray, then that does sound like depression

Brilliant advice RitaOrange to do nothing after 730 or a similar time. You need a boundary for yourself and your kids that they are aware of eg they see you having a quiet cuppa and a magazine train them to see this as 'mummy's special time' say go and play quietly with Lego etc can u build a Lego surprise for daddy etc this works well for me. You can still be in the room but having a break iyswim. My kids really needed to be trained like pups to see that I need my time too.
Make sure you're looking after YOU - eating enough for energy plenty of water to combat headaches fogginess etc Reassuring that lots of us understand your post completely