To not enjoy family life

[winkywinkola]

It's relentless.

Churning out meal after meal.

Washing. Ironing. Working (part time). Broken nights - various reasons like nightmares, itchy heads(!), temperatures etc. Constant penny pinching.

I'm sure my 4 dcs are no less demanding than any other but the constant squabbles and demands for this that and the other are wearing.

Even walking my dogs seems like another chore.

I am shattered. I feel so low that there are years of this tedium ahead. No prospect of any break or holidays. I am JEALOUS of all these other parents jetting off to Dubai, the Caribbean, skiing holidays over Easter.

H works many hours each week. He pitches in where possible. He's making bread with the dcs now after gardening with them today. I was ironing and sorting underwear.

Why am I not enjoying this life? Is this family life? I'm not cut out for it. I'm not physically strong enough anymore. I hate it.

Shit. A pity party.

People who are saying why have kids/have that many kids. Well there are a lot of reasons people have kids, not least biological imperative, and the fact that we are sold "having a family" from an early age as the most wondrous state any woman can exist in. Plus a LOT of children are conceived accidentally and a LOT of people end up in circumstances less perfect than they hoped – less money coming in, for example, or health issues.

I'm sure a vast proportion of us, if not all of us, would admit that we understood a lot more about the reality of what having kids is like after we did it, in a way that we didn't before.

And no one among us has ever been in the situation we are right now. I've never before had my 2 DC at the ages they are, my career where it is, my health levels as they are, and had to cope with that situation. We're all winging it, to an extent.

RE the dog. I can't help thinking the dog could be a positive if everyone got together to walk it, or if older dcs did the walking, rather than a negative.

Agree that dog should be rehomed if no chance of a good quality of life but I don't think that's the case here.

Sometimes my DH takes the kids to his parents for a weekend - without me. He wins because he gets to see his friends from back home and catch up with his parents and I get a couple of nights to myself and it feels like a two week holiday. I record loads of trashy telly and get a good book in. And ignore the chores.

Definitely look at reducing the ironing any way you can. I think dc looking a bit rumpled is a small price to pay for the hours you will save.

I will probably get shot down in flames for this, but is there any way at all you could get a cleaner? My friend has one every other week which is a lot less expensive than weekly. Or just start cutting ALOT of corners until you have more time and energy. Just so long as the loo is clean and the kitchen vaguely hygienic, who cares? The only thing that I do religiously is the laundry otherwise all hell breaks loose every morning!

Definitely cut corners with the food. Bung a load of fruit and veg in them and you can definitely get away with the odd convenience meal. Pasta and salad. Frozen fish fillets, new potatoes and salad (again), ready made fish pie and lasagne are all regulars here.

With the waking up at night. Can you agree a rota with DH so you know you are at least guaranteed a couple of nights off?

Really feel for you - you sound exhausted. Anyone would feel like that in your position.

My daughter does well with four children, although I'm sure she is sometimes very tired.
She doesn't iron at all and I think she is careful what clothes she buys and the type of fabric so they don't look bad.
She has the children doing jobs which they seem to enjoy and they get out and about a lot and meet up with other families.
Her husband is usually home for bath and bedtime which is probably a big help.
Occasionally I take an older child or younger child out so she do an activity appropriate to a particular age group.
She doesn't tolerate arguing and fighting-she loves her kids but she's down on it right away like a ton of bricks.
Sometimes with only two children I felt like the drudge.
Get all the help you can- there are lots of good suggestions on here.
I feel for you OP but it isn't your family life you hate-you have become the drudge-try to change that..

Has op vanished?

No, I've not disappeared. It was ds1's 10th birthday yesterday and he was all excited and up from 4.45am. That was a particularly long day for us all!

So, I'm so touched and enthused (!) by all the suggestions on here.

My friend's au pair has offered me two hours per week to clean at a very reasonable rate. I've found a reasonable ironing service too. I can't seem to let that ironing go! I think it's partly because I was always the scruffy, rumpled kid and I felt very conscious of it.

So, I now need to rustle up a few more hours at work to pay for it! Work is actually a doddle compared to home graft.

I think it's just when I'm really worn out, I'm really low and start to feel desperate that it's never going to end and I will never feel zest and joy for life. I will be found, expired amongst the dust bunnies, the crumpled clothes and with a freezer chock full of hidden veg sauce.

And iron supplement. Magnesium too, I read on this thread. I need to try anything that will help.

As for h working all those hours, well, when the work is there, he has to do it. That is what he is paid for. Sometimes it's not so busy at all. Other times, like right now, it's crackers busy. Mostly because his colleague is on holiday.

Well, who knew what having children would be like anyway. DC4 was a surprise but I'd always hoped for three. I'm not afraid of hard work at all. I just sometimes get down when I find I am not invincible, I do get weary and I can't go on and on and on and on. Wish I could.

Thank you all very very much. I have been much cheered by this thread. I really appreciate it.

B vitamin

Glad you have made some changes-I hope you soon feel better.
My life got less drudgy when I increased my hours at work and got a cleaner.
Agree that your DH has to work when he can-the money has to come from somewhere! I was a bit taken aback by the suggestion he just got another job. If only it were that easy.
Good luck to you Winky.

YANBU - it sucks often. You seem to have brightened which is great. I think also you need something to look forward to. The Sun are doing the £10 holiday vouchers at the moment I think. I don't think they work in Dubai or on skiing holidays, but it would be something to look forward to. Kids can run around - no housework as it's not your house. Nothing would need ironing.

Perhaps an option?

Unfortunately, you'll have to buy The Sun

Loads of people don't iron. Their kids' clothes look just like your kids' after 15 minutes of wearing.

Try not ironing one or two things and see how you go. 'Cut back,' if you will. Kinda like quitting smoking.

I bought one of those steam press things for ironing. It cost me a tenner on ebay. It has been the best tenner I ever spent - sitting down to iron seems to halve the job, plus it is perfect for the kid's stuff.

Apologies if it has been mentioned before - also let go of the guilt!!! That feeling can suck the life out if anyone. With all those helpful suggestions in the thread, you're well equipped with regard to practical matters, do all that and don't feel guilty in any way!!!

I was defending keeping the doggy if that was not clear!

I will hold my hands up, I haven't read all 9 pages of this thread so I may be repeating other posters but I'd say that you're likely finding it hard going because you have FOUR kids. To be fair, that is a lot of children!

DW and I have twin boys who are 2 and a bit years old and our lives have (finally) more or less gone back to what they were before.
We briefly thought of having another but DW works full time, I have a farm to run and we value our own lives so we have decided that for us, 2 is most definitely the magic number!

Four kids = too many unless (as you are finding out) you want them to rule your life.

glad to see you're feeling a bit more positive op

I forgot to add my top tip op...watch episodes of Kate plus 8 - it really puts things in perspective!

Hi Op,

It's great that you've started finding some ways to improve things and can feel a bit more positive.

I think you have another tough couple of years but then life will be very different. With a 10 year old and a 2 year old you've been living the hardest phase, with babies/toddlers, for 10 years solid. That IS hard work, and can seem like a relentless grind. You are nearly out of that stage, so hang on in there. It's not that you don't like family life, you've had enough of this phase of family life and want things to start changing.

I think it's a great suggestion to see GP about possible iron or other deficiencies.